Discover a wealth of wisdom and insight from Woody Allen through their most impactful and thought-provoking quotes and sayings. Expand your perspective with their inspiring words and share these beautiful Woody Allen quote pictures with your friends and followers on social media platforms like Facebook, Twitter, or your personal blog - all free of charge. We've compiled the top 835 Woody Allen quotes for you to explore and share with others.

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens. By Woody Allen Death Afraid

We're all faced throughout our lives with agonizing decisions, moral choices. Some are on a grand scale, most of these choices are on lesser points. But we define ourselves by the choices we have made. We are, in fact, the sum total of our choices. Events unfold so unpredictably, so unfairly, Human happiness does not seem to be included in the design of creation. it is only we, with our capacity to love that give meaning to the indifferent universe. And yet, most human beings seem to have the ability to keep trying and even try to find joy from simple things, like their family, their work, and from the hope that future generations might understand more By Woody Allen Choices Decisions Moral Faced Lives

Let's say there was no terrorism whatsoever and we were all very nice to one another and we were all kind, we still would be faced with an extremely cruel and hostile universe and existence and so I'm a great pessimist and I feel that it's impossible really to be happy, and that the best you can hope for is to be distracted. By Woody Allen Kind Happy Distracted Terrorism Whatsoever

In 1940 I was just turning 5 years old and being taken to the movies. For those of us who were not old enough to understand the horror of war it was a very romantic era because these guys were kissing their wives and girlfriends goodbye and going off to fight and become heroes. By Woody Allen Turning Years Movies Heroes Understand

I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss. By Woody Allen Analysis Freudian Suicidal Fact Miss

You know what my philosophy of life is? That it's important to have some laughs, but you got to suffer a little too, because otherwise you miss the whole point to life. By Woody Allen Life Philosophy Laughs Important Suffer

People always ask me, Do you ever think you'll wake up one morning and not be funny? That thought would never occur to meit's an odd thought and not realistic. Because funny and me are not separate. We're one. By Woody Allen People Wake Morning Funny Thought

Go ahead - walk into the propeller. By Woody Allen Ahead Walk Propeller

Don't you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here. By Woody Allen Jewish Communist York Leftwing Homosexual

If you meet somebody and are attracted to someone, and the exquisite neurons in your brain and her brain intermesh properly, then things can be wonderful. It's not like homework. You don't have to work at the relationship. By Woody Allen Brain Properly Wonderful Meet Attracted

The content dictates the style all the time. That's the way it is. If the content of the film is highly jagged, neurotic, fast-paced, it just called for that kind of shooting, editing and performance. By Woody Allen Time Content Dictates Style Neurotic

The only thing that does change, to some degree, is [that] you have some life experiences, you suffer a certain amount and you incorporate that into your work. Not in the content of your work, but in the sensibility of your work. It's nothing that you try and do; it just happens. And if you're lucky, people buy tickets to see it, and if you're not lucky, [then] they don't like it. But that's all. By Woody Allen Work Change Degree Experiences Thing

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm! By Woody Allen Life Day Backwards Live Start

I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, 'Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?' I said, 'I wanted this girl and she left me.'And he said,'Well, we have to look into that.'And I said, 'There's nothing to look into! I wanted her and she left me.' And he said, 'Well, why are you feeling so intense?'And I said, 'Cause I want the girl!' And he said, 'What's underneath it?' And I said, 'Nothing!'He said, 'I'll have to give you medication.'I said, 'I don't want medication! I want the girl!'And he said, 'We have to work this through.'So, I took a fire extinguisher from the casement and struck him across the back of his neck. And before I knew it, guys from Con Ed had jumper cables in my head and the rest was ... By Woody Allen Girl Depressed Broke Put Psychiatrist

I said this to my daughter, if you don't practice the guitar, when you get older you wouldn't be able to play it. It's that simple. If you want to play the guitar, you put a half hour in everyday, but you have to do it. By Woody Allen Guitar Daughter Play Practice Older

If I had my choice in life I would have had the gifts of Tennessee Williams or Eugene O'Neill. Unfortunately my gifts lie in comedy and so comedy comes fairly easy to me and I occasionally have an idea for a very serious piece and I do it, but the ideas don't come that readily to me. By Woody Allen Tennessee Williams Eugene Oneill Gifts

It was one of those great spring days, it was Sunday, and you knew summer would be coming soon. And I remember that morning Dorrie and I had gone for a walk in the park and come back to the apartment. We were just sort of sitting around and I put on a record of Louie Armstrong, which was music I grew up with, and it was very, very pretty, and I happened to glance over and I saw Dorrie sitting there. And I remember thinking to myself how terrific she was and how much I loved her. And I don't know, I guess it was a combination of everything, the sound of the music, and the breeze, and how beautiful Dorrie looked to me and for one brief moment everything just seemed to come together perfectly and I felt happy, almost indestructible in a way. By Woody Allen Sunday Dorrie Days Great Spring

When you are dead, it is hard to find the light switch. By Woody Allen Dead Switch Hard Find Light

Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad. By Woody Allen Marriage Mushrooms Bad Notice Late

I think [aging] has nothing to recommend it. You don't gain any wisdom as the years go by. You fall apart, is what happens. People try and put a nice varnish on it, and say, well, you mellow. You come to understand life and accept things. But you'd trade all of that for being 35 again. By Woody Allen Aging Recommend Gain Wisdom Years

Gauguin flew into a frenzy! He held my head under the X-ray machine for ten straight minutes and for several hours after I could not blink my eyes in unison." - "If The Impressionists Had Been Dentists By Woody Allen Gauguin Frenzy Flew Dentists Xray

Life is horrible, but it is not relentlessly black from wire to wire. You can sit down and hear a Mozart symphony, or you can watch the Marx Brothers, and this will give you a pleasant escape for a while. And that is about the best that you can do. By Woody Allen Wire Life Horrible Relentlessly Black

Life is full of moments that are good - winning a lottery, seeing a beautiful woman, a great dinner - but the whole thing is tragic. It's an oasis that is very pleasant. By Woody Allen Life Good Winning Lottery Woman

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. By Woody Allen Watch Proud Gold Pocket Grandfather

I do believe that reality is dreadful and that you are forced to choose it in the end or go crazy, but that it kills you. By Woody Allen Crazy Reality Dreadful Forced Choose

Life is tough and it's tough whether you're famous or not famous. And in the end it's probably better to be famous because the perks are better. You get better seats at the basketball game, and you get better tables and reservations places. If I call a doctor on Saturday morning I can get him. There's a lot of things, indulgences that you don't get, if you're not famous. Now I'm not saying it's fair. But I can't say that I don't enjoy it. By Woody Allen Tough Famous Life Saturday End

You can be distracted by your love life, by the baseball game, movies, by the nonsense. "Can I get my kid into this private school? Can I get this girl to go out with me Saturday night? Am I going to get the promotion in my office?" All this stuff, but in the end the universe burns out. So I think it's completely meaningless. By Woody Allen Movies Life Game Nonsense Distracted

What advice would I give the average homeowner to protect himself against burglars? Well, the first thing is to keep a light on in the house when you go out. It must be at least a sixty-watt bulb; anything less and the burglar will ransack the house, out of contempt for the wattage. By Woody Allen Advice Give Average Homeowner Protect

I read 'War and Peace' in 20 minutes," he says. "It's about Russia. By Woody Allen Minutes War Peace Read Russia

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. By Woody Allen War Peace Minutes Russia Speedreading

The history of the world is like: He kills me, I kill him, only with different cosmetics and different castings. So in 2001, some fanatics killed some Americans, and now some Americans are killing some Iraqis. And in my childhood, some Nazis killed Jews. And now, some Jewish people and some Palestinians are killing each other. By Woody Allen Americans Castings Kills Kill History

Then Job fell to his knees and cried to the Lord, "Thine is the kingdom and the power and glory. Thou hast a good job. Don't blow it." By Woody Allen Lord Thine Job Glory Fell

Skeptic that I was as an adolescent, I had recently come to believe in a Supreme Being after thumbing through a Victoria's Secret catalogue. By Woody Allen Supreme Victoria Secret Skeptic Adolescent

If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become. Impelled by this new religious fervor, I glutted myself like a fanatic. By Woody Allen God Concluded Food Ate Godlier

Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to romantic love the love between man and woman, rather than between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters. By Woody Allen Lover Loved Love Hundred Woman

In the shower, with the hot water coming down, you've left the real world behind, and very frequently things open up for you. It's the change of venue, the unblocking the attempt to force the ideas that's crippling you when you're trying to write. By Woody Allen Shower Hot Water Coming Left

Hey listen I've proved a lot of things. That's how I pay my rent. Theories and little observations. A puckish remark now and then. Occasional maxims. It beats picking olives, but let's not get carried away. By Woody Allen Hey Things Listen Proved Lot

What is so fascinating about sitting around watching a bunch of pituitary cases stuff a ball through a hoop? By Woody Allen Hoop Fascinating Sitting Watching Bunch

Ads answered out of desperation in the New York Review of Books proved equally futile as ... the 'Bay Area Bisexual' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires. By Woody Allen York Review Books Ads Answered

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back. By Woody Allen Softball Base Feel Back Played

I think I've gotten technically better over the years but you'd have to be a fool not to. I've made so many movies that by sheer quantity you get better at the technique. By Woody Allen Technically Years Fool Technique Made

All my life is passing in front of my eyes. The worst part of it is I'm driving a used car. By Woody Allen Eyes Life Passing Front Car

What if the worst is true? What if there's no God, and you only go around once, and that's it? Don't you want to be a part of the experience? You know, what the hell? It's not all a drag, and I'm thinking to myself: Geez! I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get and just enjoy it while it lasts. And, you know, afterwho knows? Maybe there is something, nobody really knows. I know that maybe is a very slim reed to hang your whole life on, but that's the best we have. By Woody Allen True Worst God Geez Life

Years ago I was on television having a discussion with Billy Graham about atheism. He was saying, even if you're right and I'm wrong, and there's nothing after, I will have had a better life than you, because I do believe there was something. And I couldn't argue with that, even though I wanted to. By Woody Allen Billy Graham Years Atheism Ago

I'm going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I'll be dead. you know, in fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier, which would be perfect. Or wait a minute. It with the time change, I could be alive for six hours in New York but dead three hours in Paris. I could get things done, and I could also be dead. By Woody Allen Dead Paris Hours Tower Kill

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier. By Woody Allen Tower Paris Eiffel Jump Concorde

If you take a frown and turn it upside down, the person you are holding by the ankles will soon pass out. By Woody Allen Frown Turn Upside Person Holding

There is always the possibility that people will change. Real change is more rare. You are who you are at a certain age in life you are pretty much a variation of that your whole life. It?s conceivable that you will change but it's not likely. By Woody Allen Change Possibility People Life Real

[ ... ] I've come to the conclusion that the artist can not justify life or come up with a cogent reason as to why life is meaningful, but the artist can provide you with a cold glass of water on a hot day. By Woody Allen Artist Life Meaningful Day Conclusion

Beautiful, funny, smart, sexual, and also neurotic? It's like filling an inside straight. By Woody Allen Beautiful Funny Smart Sexual Neurotic

I do occasionally envy the person who is religious naturally, without being brainwashed into it or suckered into it by all the organized hustles. By Woody Allen Naturally Hustles Occasionally Envy Person

Our love, our love will last forever. It's forever but it just doesn't work. That's why it will always be romantic because it can not be complete. By Woody Allen Love Forever Work Complete Romantic

When a film is reviled, you open a film and people say "Oh, it's the stupidest thing, it's the worst movie." You think: oh, nobody's going to ever speak to you again. But, it doesn't happen. Nobody cares. You know, they read it and they say "Oh, they hated your film." You care, at the time. But they don't. Nobody else cares. By Woody Allen Film Reviled Thing Movie Open

Raining. Oh, brother, a scratch on the fender. Damn rabbi on his unicycle.Wait a minute, where are my car keys? Could have sworn I left them in this pocket. No, just some loose change and ticket stubs from the all-black version of Elaine Stritch' s one-woman show.Did I check my desk? Better go back inside. What's in the top drawer here? Hmm. Envelopes, my paper clips, a loaded revolver in case the tenant in 2A begins yodelling again. By Woody Allen Raining Brother Stritch Fender Elaine

I can't fight. I was once run over by a car with a flat tire, being pushed by two guys. By Woody Allen Fight Tire Guys Run Car

It is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock. By Woody Allen Opportunities Holds Pitfalls Clear Future

My grammy never gave gifts, you know. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks. By Woody Allen Gifts Cossacks Grammy Gave Busy

What people who don't write don't understand is that they think you make up the line consciously - but you don't. It proceeds from your unconscious. So it's the same surprise to you when it emerges as it is to the audience when the comic says it. I don't think of the joke and then say it. I say it and then realize what I've said. And I laugh at it, because I'm hearing it for the first time myself. By Woody Allen Consciously People Write Understand Make

I do the movies just for myself like an institutionalized person who basket-weaves. Busy fingers are happy fingers. I don't care about the films. I don't care if they're flushed down the toilet after I die. By Woody Allen Basketweaves Movies Institutionalized Person Fingers

I was a nervous child, I was a bedwetter. I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself. By Woody Allen Child Bedwetter Nervous Sleep Electric

In a relationship, it is better to be the leaver than the leavee. By Woody Allen Relationship Leavee Leaver

Millions of books written on every conceivable subject by all these great minds and in the end, none of them knows anything more about the big questions of life than I do ... I read Socrates. This guy knocked off little Greek boys. What the Hell's he got to teach me? And Nietzsche, with his theory of eternal recurrence. He said that the life we lived we're gonna live over again the exact same way for eternity. Great. That means I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again. It's not worth it. And Freud, another great pessimist. I was in analysis for years and nothing happened. My poor analyst got so frustrated, the guy finally put in a salad bar. Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer. By Woody Allen Millions End Books Written Conceivable

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun. By Woody Allen Man Parts Fun Body Consists

I would not like to live in the past because you don't get anesthetic when you go to the dentist. You don't get antibiotics. You don't get the things that you are used to now, cell phones and televisions and things that are very convenient. You don't want that. But, it would be fun if you could, every now and then, just meet a friend for lunch at Maxim's in Paris in 1900, or go back to 1870 just for a couple of hours, take a walk in the park, and then come right back to Broadway. By Woody Allen Dentist Live Past Anesthetic Things

If I could only see one miracle, just one miracle. Like a burning bush, or the seas part, or my uncle Sasha pick up a check. By Woody Allen Miracle Sasha Bush Part Check

See, I will always have this penchant for what I call kamikaze women. I call them kamikazes because they, you know they crash their plane, they're self-destructive. But they crash into you, and you die along with them. By Woody Allen Call Women Penchant Crash Kamikaze

I don't own a computer. I've never seen anything online at all - nothing. I don't own a word processor. I have none of that stuff. It's not an act of rebellion. I'm just not a gadget person. By Woody Allen Computer Online Processor Stuff Word

Better not think too much. Relying more on the body: it is more trustworthy. By Woody Allen Relying Body Trustworthy

Retirement is a very subjective thing. There are guys I know who retire and they're very happy and they never miss work at all. I can't see myself retiring and fondling a dog every day. I like to get up and work and go out. I have too much energy or too much nervous anxiety or something. So I don't see myself retiring. Maybe I will suddenly get a stroke or a heart attack and I will be forced to retire, but if my health holds out I don't expect to retire. By Woody Allen Retirement Thing Retire Subjective Work

I can't with any conscience argue for New York with anyone. It's like Calcutta. But I love the city in an emotional, irrational way, like loving your mother or your father even though they're a drunk or a thief. I've loved the city my whole life - to me, it's like a great woman. By Woody Allen York Calcutta Conscience Argue City

I have a number of symptoms that are neurotic and are constricting in the sense that if I had a brilliant idea for a film that had to be shot in Tulsa, OK I would tear it up and throw it away. Anything outside of New York, 'cause I can't exist in a hotel outside of my own home, I have to be in my own home and my own environment. This is a neurotic symptom that is constricting to my work even. By Woody Allen Tulsa Number Sense Brilliant Idea

When I naturally write a story and I feel that the guy (is) sitting across the table from the girl and flirting with her ... I think, 'God, that can't be me' because I'm just too old for that part. You need a 30-year-old or a 35-year-old for that part. And so I've given myself less and less roles. By Woody Allen Part Guy Sitting God Naturally

The Jewish culture - people that are Jewish have a certain cultural habit that they've formed and one of those habits is an appreciation of theater and music - these are cultural things one does associate with values that are promulgated by Jewish families. I think that's a good thing. By Woody Allen Jewish Cultural Culture People Music

My films are therapy for my debilitating depression. In institutions people weave baskets. I make films. By Woody Allen Depression Therapy Debilitating Films Baskets

My grandfather was a very insignificant man, actually. At his funeral his hearse followed the other cars. By Woody Allen Man Grandfather Insignificant Cars Funeral

I'm generally not a social dramatist or comedy writer. My interests have always been more in psychological stories or personal relations and comic ideas. By Woody Allen Writer Generally Social Dramatist Comedy

Everybody knows how awful the world is and each person distorts it in a certain way that enables him to get through. Some people distort it with religious things, others with sports, money, love, art, and they all have their own nonsense about what makes it meaningful, and all but nothing makes it meaningful. These things definitely serve a certain function, but in the end they all fail to give life meaning and everyone goes to his grave in a meaningless way. By Woody Allen Meaningful Awful World Person Enables

It's very hard to keep your spirits up. You've got to keep selling yourself a bill of goods, and some people are better at lying to themselves than others. If you face reality too much, it kills you ... you've got to find an answer to the question: Why go on? By Woody Allen Hard Spirits Goods Selling Bill

The whole concept of awards is silly. I cannot abide by the judgment of other people, because if you accept it when they say you deserve an award, then you have to accept it when they say you don't. By Woody Allen Silly Concept Accept Awards Award

But what if everyone in the world behaved like me and came here and shot Brisseau through the ear? What a mess! And of course we'd need valet parking. By Woody Allen Brisseau Ear World Behaved Shot

The film studios learned to our dismay but to their pleasure that if they spent $200 million making a film they could make half a billion on it. So they were not interested anymore in quality films ... They can't afford to be that risky at those prices. Consequently you're getting a lot of remakes, sequels, dopey comedies full of toilet jokes. By Woody Allen Spent Million Film Studios Learned

I keep getting more and more ambitious. Over the years, to some degree, in some areas, I feel I've grown. In some areas, I made a fool of myself. In some areas, I think I can still do some funny things. By Woody Allen Areas Ambitious Years Degree Grown

All the crap they tell you about ... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe. By Woody Allen Crap Years Tripe Joy Kind

Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down. By Woody Allen Happiness Love Suffer Unhappy Hope

There is no advantage getting older. You don't get smarter, you don't get wiser, you don't get more mellow, you don't get more kindly, nothing good happens. Your back hurts more, you get more indigestion, your eyesight isn't as good, you need a hearing aid. It's a bad business getting old and I would advise you not to do it if you can avoid it. It doesn't have a romantic quality. By Woody Allen Older Advantage Good Smarter Wiser

There's nothing good about getting older-absolutely nothing-because the amount of wisdom and experience you gain is negligible compared to what you lose. You do gain a couple of things-you gain a little bittersweet and sour wisdom from your heartbreaks and failures and things-but what you lose is so catastrophic in every way. By Woody Allen Gain Lose Wisdom Good Olderabsolutely

I don't believe in God. Just try getting a plumber on the weekend. By Woody Allen God Weekend Plumber

I could turn on my radio in the morning when I was getting dressed for school and hear Frank Sinatra and Duke Ellington and Benny Goodman and think this is the music. Now that music is art. Ellington is art. At that time it was just what you heard on the radio. Cole Porter was just a guy who wrote pretty songs and Billie Holliday would sing them. By Woody Allen Frank Sinatra Duke Benny Goodman

I hope you're getting this down. By Woody Allen Hope

It's easier to direct. If you direct something poorly and re-shoot it the next day, stage it better, make it work better, you have a lot of possibilities. You can edit it in certain ways so that it works, but there's no getting around weaknesses of the script. By Woody Allen Direct Easier Day Stage Make

The whole thrust of science and the medical profession is to try and prevent it from happening, to try to prolong life, to keep you from dying, to keep you from getting older, to rejuvenate you. I mean, that's everybody's wish. The fountain of youth is everybody's sought-after thing. By Woody Allen Happening Life Dying Older Thrust

Standard mathematics has recently been rendered obsolete by the discovery that for years we have been writing the numeral five backward. This has led to reevaluation of counting as a method of getting from one to ten. Students are taught advanced concepts of Boolean algebra, and formerly unsolvable equations are dealt with by threats of reprisals. By Woody Allen Standard Backward Mathematics Recently Rendered

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a Quaker. By Woody Allen Worse Quaker Luck Night Instance

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily laying down. By Woody Allen Incidentally Fear Thought Shave Afterlife

David: And you think it can just evaporate? Even if at one time they loved one another?Marx: That's one of the sad truths of existence. Nothing in this world is permanent. Even the characters created by the great Shakespeare will, in millions of years, cease to exist - when the universe runs its course and the lights go out. By Woody Allen David Evaporate Marx Existence Shakespeare

Mrs. Sol Schwimmer is suing me because I made her bridge as I felt it and not to fit her ridiculous mouth! That's right! I can't work to order like a common tradesman! I decided her bridge should be enormous and billowing, with wild, explosive teeth flaring up in every direction like fire! Now she is upset because it won't fit in her mouth! She is so bourgeois and stupid. I want to smash her! I tried forcing the false plate in but it sticks out like a star burst chandelier. Still, I find it beautiful. By Woody Allen Sol Schwimmer Mrs Suing Made

You can't work at a relationship; you can't control it. You have to be lucky and go through your life. If you are not lucky you have to be prepared for some degree of suffering. That's why most relationships are very difficult and have some degree of pain. People stay together because of inertia, they don't have the energy. Because they are frightened of being lonely, or they have children. By Woody Allen Work Control Degree Lucky Life

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty. By Woody Allen Liberty Statue Time Inside Woman

I got a divorce because my ex-wife left me for another woman. By Woody Allen Woman Divorce Exwife Left

When you make the film, it's like a chef who works on the meal. After you're working all day in the kitchen and dicing and cutting and putting the sauces on, you don't want to eat it. That's how I always feel about the films. I work on it for a year. I've written it, I've worked with the actors, I've edited, put the music in. I just never want to see it again. By Woody Allen Meal Make Chef Film Films

Some of the best memories of my childhood that I have are the times that I played hooky from school so I could spend my days in the public library reading all the wonderful books at my disposal. By Woody Allen Disposal Memories Childhood Times Played

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. By Woody Allen Empty Sex Love Experience

Music has always helped my films. In 'The Curse Of The Jade Scorpion,' you can hear 'Sunrise' by Glenn Miller, an idol of my childhood, in the surprise ending. I like mixing comedy with suspense and action. By Woody Allen Music Films Sunrise Helped Scorpion

Geez, I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts. By Woody Allen Geez Stop Ruining Life Searching

Film is more of novelty, because I've done so much theater over many years. I'm in love with making movies. Also, I find it easier to remember three minutes of dialogue than three hours. By Woody Allen Film Novelty Years Theater Movies

My wife is immature. Whenever I take a bath, she sinks my boats. By Woody Allen Immature Wife Bath Boats Sinks

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social. By Woody Allen Antisocial Social

You make a film and always hope you're going make "Citizen Kane" or "The Bicycle Thief." You make the film, and for one reason or another, one clicks and one doesn't, but it's out of your control completely. By Woody Allen Citizen Kane Thief Bicycle Make

Show business is dog eat dog. It's worse than dog eat dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls. By Woody Allen Dog Eat Show Business Worse

You're still in love' 'No I'm not, I'm not She'll always be a part of me, and she's an important person in my life but for the two of us something wasn't working.' 'What element?' 'We never found out By Woody Allen Love Working Part Important Person

I don't want to live forever through my work. I want to live forever by not dying. By Woody Allen Live Work Forever Dying

I like broad comedy. If I had an idea tomorrow for a film that was all slapstick and broad comedy, and it was an idea that interested me, I would not hesitate to do it because I enjoy watching these kinds of film. By Woody Allen Comedy Broad Idea Film Tomorrow

I have no regard for that kind of ceremony. I just don't think they know what they're doing. When you see who wins those things-or who doesn't win them-you can see how meaningless this Oscar thing is. By Woody Allen Ceremony Regard Kind Oscar Thingsor

When you travel around the country, you see what a tough town New York is: rude, competitive, a town where good, logical ideas are ignored in favor of unworkable ones. And yet, all these other towns are so dead and boring compared to New York. By Woody Allen Rude Competitive York Country Good

It's just an accident that we happen to be on earth, enjoying our silly little moments, distracting ourselves as often as possible so we don't have to really face up to the fact that, you know, we're just temporary people with a very short time in a universe that will eventually be completely gone. And everything that you value, whether it's Shakespeare, Beethoven, da Vinci, or whatever, will be gone. The earth will be gone. The sun will be gone. There'll be nothing. The best you can do to get through life is distraction. Love works as a distraction. And work works as a distraction. You can distract yourself a billion different ways. But the key is to distract yourself. By Woody Allen Distraction Enjoying Moments Distracting Beethoven

My father worked for the same firm for 12 years. They fired him and replaced him with a tiny gadget that does everything my father does, only much better. The depressing thing is my mother ran out and bought one By Woody Allen Years Father Worked Firm Fired

I wouldn't necessarily want to be a big muscular guy. It's nice to be gorgeous whether you're male or female assuming you don't lose whatever else you have. By Woody Allen Guy Necessarily Big Muscular Nice

These modern analysts! They charge so much. In my day, for five marks Freud himself would treat you. For ten marks, he would treat you and press your pants. For fifteen marks, Freud would let you treat him, and that included a choice of any two vegetables. Thirty dollars an hour! Fifty dollars an hour! The Kaiser only got twelve and a quarter for being Kaiser! And he had to walk to work! And the length of treatment! Two years! Five years! If one of us couldn't cure a patient in six months we would refund his money, take him to any musical revue and he would receive either a mahogany fruit bowl or a set of stainless steel carving knives. I remember you could always tell the patients Jung failed with, as he would give them large stuffed pandas. By Woody Allen Treat Analysts Freud Marks Modern

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable. By Woody Allen Miserable Horrible Feel Divided Life

I think, on both sides of the camera or the novel: Distraction. I'm obsessed with: Can I get this actress or my third act to work? I'm distracted. I'm interested in that so I don't sit home and think, "Gee, life is meaningless. We're all going to die. The universe is pulling apart at breakneck speed." By Woody Allen Distraction Sides Camera Gee Work

It was great seeing Annie again. I realised what a terrific person she was and how fun it was just knowing her. And I thought of that old joke, you know. The guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken." and the doctor says, "well, why don't you turn him in?" and the guy says, "I would, but o need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships. You know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd and, but, err, I guess we keep going through it because most of us need the eggs. By Woody Allen Annie Great Eggs Guy Guess

Am I my brother's keeper? Yes. Interestingly, in my case, I share that honor with the Prospect Park Zoo. By Woody Allen Keeper Brother Interestingly Zoo Prospect

I wish I could think of a positive point to leave you with. Will you take two negative points? By Woody Allen Positive Leave Point Points Negative

He adored New York City. He idolized it all out of proportion ... no, make that: he - he romanticized it all out of proportion. Yes. To him, no matter what the season was, this was still a town that existed in black and white and pulsated to the great tunes of George Gershwin. By Woody Allen City York Proportion Adored Gershwin

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you. By Woody Allen Mad Impulse Throw Lunar Surface

As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay questions. By Woody Allen Boy Glasses Ashamed Wear Chart

When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce. By Woody Allen Disappointed Wanted Born Mother Terribly

I've never felt Truth was Beauty. Never. I've always felt that people can't take too much reality. I like being in Ingmar Bergman's world. Or in Louis Armstrong's world. Or in the world of the New York Knicks. Because it's not this world. You spend your whole life searching for a way out. You just get an overdose of reality, you know, and it's a terrible thing. I'm always fighting against reality. By Woody Allen Beauty Truth World Reality Felt

It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel. By Woody Allen Heaven Angel Match Made Retarded

Everything in life turns out to be a distraction from the real thing you want to do. There are a million distractions and when I was a kid I was very disciplined. I knew that the other kids weren't. I was the one able to do the thing, not because I had more talent, maybe less, but because they simply weren't applying themselves. By Woody Allen Life Turns Real Thing Distraction

I don't believe in an afterlife, but I'm taking an extra pair of underwear just in case. By Woody Allen Afterlife Case Taking Extra Pair

You are much more dependent on luck than you think. People say if you want to have a good relationship, you have to work at it. But you never hear it about anything you really like, about sailing or going to soccer games. By Woody Allen Dependent Luck People Relationship Good

Allan: That's quite a lovely Jackson Pollock, isn't it?Museum Girl: Yes, it is.Allan: What does it say to you?Museum Girl: It restates the negativeness of the universe. The hideous lonely emptiness of existence. Nothingness. The predicament of Man forced to live in a barren, Godless eternity like a tiny flame flickering in an immense void with nothing but waste, horror and degradation, forming a useless bleak straitjacket in a black absurd cosmos.Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?Museum Girl: Committing suicide.Allan: What about Friday night? By Woody Allen Museum Girl Pollock Jackson Allan

Human happiness does not seem to have been included in the design of creation. It is only we with our capacity to love that fives meaning to the indifferent universe, and yet most human beings seem to have the ability to keep trying and even to find joy from simple things. By Woody Allen Creation Human Happiness Included Design

Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him, 'Be fruitful, and multiply'. But not in those words. By Woody Allen Day Fruitful Multiply Guy Hit

I know of only six genuine comic geniuses in movie history; Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Groucho Marx & Harpo Marx, Peter Sellers, and W.C. Fields. By Woody Allen Fields Marx Charlie Chaplin Buster

I've inherited the worst of each parent. I have my father's hypochondria and lack of concentration. I have his amorality. I have everything bad that he had. Then I have my mother's surly, pill-like, complaining, whining attitude. By Woody Allen Parent Inherited Worst Concentration Father

UFOs are back in the news, and it is high time we took a serious look at the phenomenon. (Actually the time is ten past eight, so not only are we a few minutes late but I'm hungry). By Woody Allen Ufos Phenomenon Time Back High

As I got more confident, I was able to let actors improvise, and do long takes. It's 10%, 5% you learn and experience. The rest you just have or you don't have. By Woody Allen Confident Improvise Actors Long Experience

While we're waiting for a cab I'll give you your lesson for today. Don't listen to what your teachers tell ya, you know. Don't pay attention. Just, just see what they look like and that's how you'll know what life is really gonna be like. By Woody Allen Today Waiting Cab Give Lesson

When you make the film, there's a big difference between when you're in your own home at the typewriter, and when you're standing on a mountain, or on a street corner, and buses are coming by-it's a different reality. You make a million changes that were never in the script, but that reality dictates. By Woody Allen Make Film Typewriter Mountain Corner

In formulating any philosophy the first consideration must always be: What can we know? That is, what can we be sure we know, or sure that we know we knew it, if indeed it is at all knowable. Or have we simply forgotten it and are too embarrassed to say anything? Descartes hinted at the problem when he wrote, 'My mind can never know my body, although it has become quite friendly with my legs. By Woody Allen Formulating Philosophy Consideration Knowable Knew

If you can delude yourself by believing that there is some kind of Santa Claus out there who is going to bail you out in the end, then it will help you get through. Even if you are proven wrong in the end, you would have had a better life [than a non-believer]. By Woody Allen End Santa Claus Delude Believing

I'm at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me I'm profoundly grateful to her. By Woody Allen Stage Life Girl Profoundly Grateful

Some people are funny, and some people are not funny. Many people who are not funny can make a living at it. You don't have to be great to make a living at it. Just like a doctor who doesn't have to be great can still make a living out of it. By Woody Allen People Funny Living Make Great

I carry a bullet in my breast pocket. Once, a crazy evangelist threw a bible at me, which would have gone through my heart if it wasn't for the bullet. By Woody Allen Pocket Bullet Carry Breast Crazy

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. By Woody Allen Exam Thrown College Cheating Metaphysics

I can't minimize the terror factor. As you get older you get more and more frightened because the terrible indignities of old age become closer to you. By Woody Allen Factor Minimize Terror Older Frightened

There are drawbacks in being famous too, but you can live with those. They're not life-threatening. If the paparazzi are outside your restaurant or your house - and actors make such a big thing of it and scurry into cars and drape things - you think they're going to be crucified or something. It's not a big deal. You can get used to that. It's not so terrible. By Woody Allen Drawbacks Famous Live Big Lifethreatening

I don't like theatrical actors and actresses. I like people that talk like real human beings. By Woody Allen Actresses Theatrical Actors People Talk

I have a great admiration for English actors and actresses and have used them at every opportunity over the years, but now I won't have to import them to New York By Woody Allen York English Years Great Admiration

And in all of Babylonia there was wailing and gnashing of teeth, 'til the prophets bade the multitudes get a grip on themselves and shape up. By Woody Allen Babylonia Teeth Til Wailing Gnashing

Meanwhile, the minute you put on the dotted line your Sam Hancock - and before a notary - you'll not only get the negative but Elsie makes a wonderful stuffed cabbage which we'll include gratis a few portions but return the jars please. By Woody Allen Hancock Sam Elsie Notary Minute

The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. You know, if it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. I think that the worst thing you could say about him is that basically he's an underachiever. After all, you know, there are worse things in life than death. By Woody Allen Bitter God Important Thing Evil

There's no correlation between what the public likes and what I'm after. I'm in a different world. By Woody Allen Correlation Public World

What's so menacing about the universe?The size. Of course I was smaller then. By Woody Allen Universe Size Menacing Smaller

God, you Jews are truly exotic.Exotic? She should only know the Greenblatts. Or Mr. and Mrs. Milton Sharpstein, my father's friends. Or for that matter, my cousin Tovah. Exotic? I mean, they're nice, but hardly exotic with their endless bickering over the best way to combat indigestion or how far back to sit from the television set. By Woody Allen God Jews Exoticexotic Greenblatts Sharpstein

Fantasy is seductive and much more wonderful than reality, but you can't take it to the bank. It's always an escape. And if used as an escape, as in attending a movie or a show for a circumscribed period of time, it's fine. When it starts to become undifferentiated from reality, it leads to big trouble. By Woody Allen Escape Fantasy Bank Reality Seductive

Real life is generally much duller and inevitably sadder, most of the time. In film, you control everything that's going on, so you can indulge the most fantastic, romantic, escapist feelings and fantasies. You can do anything you want. That's why it's very seductive and pleasurable to earn your living making movies because you're not living in the real world. By Woody Allen Sadder Time Life Generally Duller

Manute Bol is so skinny they save money on road trips. They just fax him from city to city. By Woody Allen Bol Manute Trips Skinny Save

There's a tacit agreement between myself and the audience that I will entertain them when they buy their ticket, and I've been the one that has screwed that up. Once in while I indulge myself and try something else, and I keep my fingers crossed that it will come out good and there'll be enough people who will enjoy it, but that doesn't often happen. By Woody Allen Ticket Tacit Agreement Audience Entertain

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? By Woody Allen Lettered Days Numbered

His face was knotted with rage. He felt like fainting but couldn't remember the proper way to fall. By Woody Allen Rage Face Knotted Fall Felt

Love may be the answer, but even though you're watching for the solution, intercourse raises some rather interesting thoughts. By Woody Allen Love Answer Solution Intercourse Thoughts

I had an IQ test. The results came back negative. By Woody Allen Test Negative Results Back

The heart wants what it wants. There's no logic to these things. You meet someone and you fall in love and that's that. By Woody Allen Heart Things Logic Meet Fall

This is my perspective and has always been my perspective on life: I have a very grim, pessimistic view of it. I always have, since I was a little boy. It hasn't gotten worse with age or anything. I do feel that it's a grim, painful, nightmarish, meaningless experience, and that the only way that you can be happy is if you tell yourself some lies and deceive yourself. By Woody Allen Perspective Life Pessimistic Grim View

More than at any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.I speak, by the way, not with any sense of futility, but with a panicky conviction of the absolute meaninglessness of existence which could easily be misinterpreted as pessimism. It is not. It is merely a healthy concern for the predicament of modern man. By Woody Allen History Mankind Crossroads Time Faces

He's dreaming, Cloquet thought, as he stood over him, revolver in hand. He's dreaming, and I exist in reality. Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak. By Woody Allen Dreaming Cloquet Thought Revolver Hand

I have just spent the better part of a week sorting out the miasma of lunatic alibis known as your correspondence in an effort to adjust matters, that our game may be finished simply once and for all. By Woody Allen Matters Spent Part Week Sorting

If I was to see any of my films now I would feel, oh god you know it's awful I could do that so much better now. Look at all the terrible things I did and all the mistakes and all the compromises and all the blunders I made, and it would be such a terrible experience for me to see them. So it's better that I put it out and move on to the next thing and make it history as quickly as possible. By Woody Allen Feel Films God Awful Terrible

I read because the women that I liked when I was a teenager lived down in Greenwich Village and they all had those black clothes. The Jules Feiffer women with the black leather bags and the blonde hair and the silver earrings and they all had read Proust and Kafka and Nietzche. And so when I said, 'No, the only thing I've ever read were two books by Mickey Spillane,' they would look at their watch and I was out. So in order to be able to carry on a conversation with these women who I thought were so beautiful and fascinating, I had to read. So I read. But it wasn't something I did out of love. I did it out of lust. By Woody Allen Read Greenwich Village Women Black

You'll find as you go through life that great depth and smoldering sensuality don't always win. By Woody Allen Win Find Life Great Depth

I can't even make a leap of faith to believe in my own existence. By Woody Allen Existence Make Leap Faith

My films are a form of psychoanalysis, except that it is I who am paid, which changes everything. By Woody Allen Psychoanalysis Paid Films Form

When a doctor makes a mistake, it's best to bury the subject. By Woody Allen Mistake Subject Doctor Makes Bury

Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK?It'll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday By Woody Allen Honey April Stopped Sleeping Year

Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You'd be surprised how effective it can be. By Woody Allen Maugham Author Sentence Place Mark

A stockbroker is someone who invests other people's money until it is all gone. By Woody Allen Stockbroker Invests People Money

One filmmaker makes films that are deep, intellectual, profound and confrontational. And the other one makes purely vacuous, escapist films. I'm not sure the one who makes escapist films is making a poorer contribution than the one who makes the deeper films. By Woody Allen Intellectual Makes Films Deep Profound

Nothing like a little post-traumatic stress disorder to make your day complete. By Woody Allen Complete Posttraumatic Stress Disorder Make

Twenty-one years ago, when I first heard Mia Farrow had accused me of child molestation, I found the idea so ludicrous I didn't give it a second thought. We were involved in a terribly acrimonious breakup, with great enmity between us and a custody battle slowly gathering energy. The self-serving transparency of her malevolence seemed so obvious I didn't even hire a lawyer to defend myself. It was my show business attorney who told me she was bringing the accusation to the police and I would need a criminal lawyer. By Woody Allen Mia Farrow Twentyone Ago Molestation

Life is unresolved, confusing, bewildering, puzzling, ambiguous. You don't really know what's going to happen. The future is uncertain for everybody. By Woody Allen Confusing Bewildering Puzzling Ambiguous Life

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank. By Woody Allen God Sign Bank Give Clear

Kugelmass, unaware of this catastrophe, had his own problems. He had not been thrust into Portnoy's Complaint, or into any other novel, for that matter. He had been projected into an old textbook, Remedial Spanish, and was running for his life over a barren, rocky terrain as the word tener ("to have") - a large and hairy irregular verb - raced after him on its spindly legs. By Woody Allen Kugelmass Unaware Catastrophe Problems Complaint

I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats. (On the KKK) By Woody Allen March Bats Kkk Defend Death

I think Bergman's films have eternal relevance, because they deal with the difficulty of personal relationships and lack of communication between people and religious aspirations and mortality, existential themes that will be relevant a thousand years from now. When many of the things that are successful and trendy today will have been long relegated to musty-looking antiques, his stuff will still be great. By Woody Allen Bergman Relevance Mortality Existential Films

By now they had mastered my own language, but they still made simple mistakes, like using 'hermeneutics,' when they meant 'heuristic'. By Woody Allen Hermeneutics Heuristic Language Mistakes Meant

As an artist, you are always striving toward an ultimate achievement but never seem to reach it. You shoot a film, and the result could have always been better. You try again, and fail once more. In some ways I find it enjoyable. You never lose sight of your goal. I don't do my job to make money or to break box office records, I simply try things out. What would happen if I were to achieve perfection at some point? What would I do then? By Woody Allen Artist Striving Ultimate Achievement Reach

Last year I had difficulty with my income tax. I tried to take my analyst off as a business deduction. The Government said it was entertainment. We compromised finally and made it a religious contribution. By Woody Allen Tax Year Difficulty Income Government

I was raised in a religious home. It was unreasonable enforced religion that turned me off it. It was a joyless, unpleasant, stupid, barbaric thing when I was a child and I've never gotten over that feeling. If you're talking about religion it's one thing; I don't hold Jewish religion with any more seriousness than I would any other. By Woody Allen Home Religion Raised Religious Thing

Men would make love with any number of women ... even total strangers, while females were selective. They were catering to the demands of one small egg. While males had millions of frantic sperms screaming: "Let us out, let us out!". By Woody Allen Men Women Make Love Number

I foresee death by culture shock. By Woody Allen Shock Foresee Death Culture

The man who said 'I'd rather be lucky than good' saw deeply into life. People are afraid to face how great a part of life is dependent on luck. It's scary to think so much is out of one's control. There are moments in a match when the ball hits the top of the net and for a split second it can either go forward or fall back. With a little luck it goes forward and you win. Or maybe it doesn't and you lose. By Woody Allen Good Life Man Lucky Deeply

There are two important things in the world, the first is sex. The other isn't all that important. By Woody Allen World Sex Important Things

I didn't go to Paris until I was a grown-up in 1965. And when I went to Paris, it was the Paris I knew only from American movies. By Woody Allen Paris Grownup American Movies Knew

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. By Woody Allen Oysters Dead Eat Sick Food

All over the world, relationships between men and women are very, very tricky and very difficult and you don't learn anything. It's not an exact science, so you can't learn anything. You're always going by instinct and your instinct betrays you because you want what you want when you want it. By Woody Allen Learn World Relationships Men Women

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? By Woody Allen Death Worse Things Life Salesman

I can live in Paris for four months or London or, you know, Barcelona. These are places that are like New York. But I don't think I could live in many places. When I had to make a film in the United States I picked San Francisco because to me it's one of the great cities of America. By Woody Allen Barcelona Paris London Live Months

[An audience conditioned by a lifetime of television-watching is so corrupted that] their standards have been systematically lowered over the years. These guys sit in front of their sets and the gamma rays eat the white cells of their brains out! By Woody Allen Years Audience Conditioned Lifetime Televisionwatching

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer. By Woody Allen Socrates Plato Crete Summer House

Even if God exists, he's done such a terrible job, it's a wonder people don't get together and file a class action suit against him. By Woody Allen God Exists Job Terrible People

I never thought I was doing anyone a favour by bringing children into the world. With people as cruel to each other as they are, it's a terrible proposition. The best of lives are sad and tragic. The best of them. My general conclusion is that it's not a nice thing to do. The world doesn't need it. The kid doesn't need it. By Woody Allen Thought Favour Bringing Children World

Notes for a ballet, The Spell: ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman - unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful not to make any poultry jokes ... By Woody Allen Spell Sigmund Notes Ballet Part

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. By Woody Allen Chinatown Astounded People Universe Hard

I think it's my job or the artist's job, to try and find some solution or some reason to accept things. But given the grimmest reality, I feel the grimmest facts are the real facts, the true facts: that you're born, you die, you suffer, it's to no purpose, and you're gone forever, ever, ever, and that's it. By Woody Allen Job Things Facts Artist Find

The most beautiful words in the English language are not 'I love you', but 'It's benign'. By Woody Allen English Benign Beautiful Words Language

I can't express anger. I grow a tumor instead. By Woody Allen Anger Express Grow Tumor

For some reason I've always had an irrational love for New York. There's no reason that you would necessarily like it on paper. It's very expensive. By Woody Allen York Reason Irrational Love Paper

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering. By Woody Allen Marriage Involved Ring Suffering Rings

If I got a paper cut, that's a tragedy. If you fell down an open manhole and died, that's comedy. By Woody Allen Cut Tragedy Paper Died Comedy

For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I'd hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up. By Woody Allen Years God Sakes Woman Married

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. By Woody Allen Nauseous Tingly Smallpox Love

You mellow too much you ripen and rot. By Woody Allen Rot Mellow Ripen

I've never been satisfied or even pleased with a film that I've done. I make them, I'm finished, I've never looked at one after. I don't like them because there's a big gap between what you conceive in your mind when you're writing and you don't have to meet the test of reality. You're home, you write and it's funny and beautiful and romantic and dramatic, and then you have to show up on a cold morning, and you don't have enough of this and this goes wrong and you make the wrong choice on something and you screwed up and you can't go back. By Woody Allen Satisfied Pleased Film Make Wrong

Since I was a kid, I could make up stories, I could make up funny jokes and I could always do it. When I'm walking down the street or having dinner, ideas will hit me, and I write them down on matchbooks or napkins and throw them in the draw. By Woody Allen Make Kid Stories Funny Jokes

I've never had a block. I'm talking within the limits of my abilities. But in my own small way, I've had an embarrassment of riches. I'll have five ideas and I'm dying to do them all. It takes weeks or months where I agonize and obsess over which to do next. I wish sometimes someone would choose for me. If someone said, Do idea number three next, that would be fine. But I have never had any sense of running dry. By Woody Allen Block Abilities Talking Limits Riches

A fast word about oral contraception. I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'. By Woody Allen Oral Contraception Fast Word Ago

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. By Woody Allen History Mankind Crossroads Time Faces

Mankind is facing a crossroad - one road leads to despair and utter hopelessness and the other to total extinction - I sincerely hope you graduates choose the right road By Woody Allen Mankind Crossroad Extinction Road Facing

That's one of the nice things about writing, or any art; if the thing's real, it just lives. All the attendant hoopla about it, the success over it or the critical rejection - none of that really matters. In the end, the thing will survive or not on its own merits. Not that immortality via art is any big deal. Truffaut died, and we all felt awful about it, and there were the appropriate eulogies, and his wonderful films live on. But it's not much help to Truffaut. By Woody Allen Writing Real Thing Nice Art

I recently turned 60. Practically a third of my life is over. By Woody Allen Turned Recently Practically Life

How wrong Emily Dickinson was! Hope is not "the thing with feathers." The thing with feathers has turned out to be my nephew. I must take him to a specialist in Zurich. By Woody Allen Emily Dickinson Thing Feathers Wrong

Human existence is a brutal experience to me ... it's a brutal, meaningless experience - an agonizing, meaningless experience with some oases, delight, some charm and peace, but these are just small oases. Overall, it is a brutal, terrible experience, and so it [salvation] is what can you do to alleviate the agony of the human condition, the human predicament? That is what interests me the most. By Woody Allen Experience Brutal Human Meaningless Oases

I'll work by myself for years and then I'll think it'll be fun to et one of my friends like Marshall Brickman or Doug McGrath into a room and not be alone for the writing of the thing; to have the pleasure of taking walks and get lunch together; its sort of a fun process and then I do it and then I get back on my own for a while until I feel the need to do it again. By Woody Allen Fun Marshall Brickman Doug Thing

There is no justice, there is no rational structure to it [life]. That is just the way it is, and each person figures out some way to cope with it ... By Woody Allen Life Justice Rational Structure Person

During the course of the year a number of ideas just come up automatically. I could be walking down the street. Or shaving. An idea will hit me and I'll write it down. Then, when I'm ready to write, I check my little matchbooks and napkins and find that it is good or it's pretty terrible. There are other times when I don't have any ideas and I'll go into a room and close the door and I sit and sweat it out for a day or a month and eventually I come up with [something]. By Woody Allen Automatically Year Number Ideas Write

Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained. By Woody Allen Today Thought Red Yellow Sunset

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic. By Woody Allen Conflict Time Marry Girl Fell

I see no advantages in aging whatsoever. You become shriveled. You become decrepit. You lose your faculties. Your peer group passes away. You sit in a room gumming your porridge. I don't see any advantage in this whatsoever. By Woody Allen Aging Whatsoever Shriveled Decrepit Advantages

You can learn technological things, you can learn about specific things, but the real problems that people deal with in any subject, existential subjects or romantic subjects, you never learn anything. So you make a fool of yourself when you're 20, you make a fool of yourself at 40, at 60 at 80. The ancient Greeks were dealing with these problems. They screwed up all the time. People do now. By Woody Allen Learn Things Subjects Existential Make

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door. By Woody Allen Door Things Skiing Revolving

We knew the front door was always left open, but we broke in just to keep in practice. Doxy turned all the Washburn family photos to the wall so there wouldn't be any witnesses. By Woody Allen Open Practice Knew Front Door

I always felt that the problems of the world would never ever be solved until people came to terms with the deeper issues [spiritual] - that there would be an aimless reshuffling of world leaders and governments and programs. By Woody Allen Spiritual World Issues Programs Felt

You will notice that what we are aiming at when we fall in love is a very strange paradox. The paradox consists of the fact that, when we fall in love, we are seeking to re-find all or some of the people to whom we were attached as children. On the other hand, we ask our beloved to correct all of the wrongs that these early parents or siblings inflicted upon us. So that love contains in it the contradiction: The attempt to return to the past and the attempt to undo the past. By Woody Allen Love Fall Paradox Notice Aiming

bullshit french post-war rationalizing By Woody Allen Bullshit Rationalizing French Postwar

I believe in sex and death- two experiences that come once in a lifetime. By Woody Allen Death Lifetime Sex Experiences

Life is hard for insects. And don't think mice are having any fun either. By Woody Allen Life Insects Hard Mice Fun

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. By Woody Allen Basically Immature Wife Boats Home

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak. By Woody Allen Yak Wore Short Skirt Tight

I never start editing a film until it's completely shot; I don't edit along the way, ever. When it's finished I come in here and we start with reel one, scene one and start editing shot by shot by shot until we're finished. By Woody Allen Shot Start Editing Film Completely

You can be with your wife, very happily married, and then you meet some woman and you love her. But you love your wife, too. And you also love that one. Or if she's met some man and she loves the man and she loves you. And then you meet somebody else and now there are three of you. Why only one person? By Woody Allen Wife Love Married Loves Happily

If you aren't failing every now and then, you're probably playing it too safe. By Woody Allen Safe Failing Playing

If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe. By Woody Allen Safe Fail Sign Playing

When you write the script, you're home in a room by yourself, and you're writing, and there's no connection with the real performing world. So you get a lot of things wrong and make a lot of mistakes and make a lot of bad choices. By Woody Allen Lot Script Writing World Make

So then, what do you believe in?Sex and death. Two things that come once in my lifetime. But at least after death you're not nauseous. By Woody Allen Sex Death Lifetime Nauseous Things

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have. By Woody Allen Talent Happy Appreciating Liking

The chief problem about death ... is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought. By Woody Allen Death Afterlife Thought Chief Problem

I sued American Apparel because they calculatingly took my name, my likeness and image and used them publicly to promote their business. By Woody Allen American Apparel Business Sued Calculatingly

The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year. By Woody Allen Year Study Economy Shows Time

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak. By Woody Allen Steak Hate Reality Place Good

The artist can't give you an answer that's satisfying to the dreadful reality of your existence. So the best you can do is maybe entertain people and refresh them for an hour-and-a-half. By Woody Allen Existence Artist Give Answer Satisfying

In fact, when they wake up in the morning, they're Jack Nicholson or Robert De Niro or Josh Brolin. And it's built-in, but they think it's all this other stuff. But it's not. They'd be great if they didn't think about their part or if they did think about it. By Woody Allen Brolin Jack Nicholson Robert Niro

It's a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to. By Woody Allen Wonderful Thing Create World

The best an idea gets is when its in your head. By Woody Allen Head Idea

The key point about a demonstration is that it must be seen. Hence the term "demonstration." If a person demonstrates privately in his own home, this is not technically a demonstration but merely "acting silly" or "behaving like an ass. By Woody Allen Demonstration Key Point Term Home

I've never dated a fictional character before. The closest I ever came was an Italian. By Woody Allen Italian Dated Fictional Character Closest

Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian. By Woody Allen Christian Standing Makes Garage Car

You know, it's one thing about intellectuals, they prove that you can be absolutely brilliant and have no idea what's going on. By Woody Allen Intellectuals Thing Prove Absolutely Brilliant

Reality may not be the best of all possible worlds, but it's still the only place where you can get a decent steak. By Woody Allen Reality Worlds Steak Place Decent

I'm really impotent against the overwhelming bleakness of the universe and the only thing I can do is my little gift [filmmaking] and do it the best I can, which is cold comfort. By Woody Allen Filmmaking Gift Comfort Impotent Overwhelming

The best things in life are censored. By Woody Allen Censored Things Life

When we lose twenty pounds ... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty. By Woody Allen Pounds Twenty Losing Lose Genius

Sometimes some of the best moments are contributed by the actors being creative, with their own improvisations. By Woody Allen Creative Improvisations Moments Contributed Actors

In short, the best thing to do is behave in a manner befitting one's age. If you are sixteen or under, try not to go bald. By Woody Allen Short Age Thing Behave Manner

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian. By Woody Allen Armenian Depressed Commit Suicide Inhaling

Enthusiasm is a good engine, but it needs intelligence for a driver. By Woody Allen Enthusiasm Engine Driver Good Intelligence

If the [actors] are working, and I have a dinner engagement, I don't do 20 takes. I do five takes and go home. I want to go to dinner. By Woody Allen Actors Working Engagement Dinner Home

Those who can't do, teach! By Woody Allen Teach

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. By Woody Allen God Sunday Finding Plumber

I spend a lot of time idly. I go to sporting events, play my clarinet. I practise. But if you work every day, a certain amount on a steady basis, the work accumulates. By Woody Allen Idly Spend Lot Time Work

It's funny. Maria Elena and I, we are meant for each other and not meant for each other, it's a contradiction. By Woody Allen Funny Meant Elena Maria Contradiction

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her. By Woody Allen Frenchkiss Wife

Change is almost always negative. Things degenerate. By Woody Allen Change Negative Things Degenerate

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer. By Woody Allen Question Answer Sex

Your audience teaches you how to be funny. By Woody Allen Funny Audience Teaches

It's about Russia. By Woody Allen Russia

Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds. By Woody Allen Curiosity Kills Layer Minds Muggers

When I get up in the morning, I go and I work with beautiful women and charming men and funny comedians and dramatic artists. And I'm presented with costumes and great music to choose from and sets. I travel a certain amount of places, so I've been living in a bubble. And I like it. By Woody Allen Morning Artists Work Beautiful Women

I don't why whatever works and whatever doesn't. You just make the film that you enjoy making at the time, and you think there's a good chance that people might enjoy the story. You're surprised pleasantly when they do. It's just luck. By Woody Allen Works Enjoy Time Story Make

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up. By Woody Allen Jesus Back Stop Throwing

Child molestation is a touchy subject ... Read the papers! Half the country's doing it! By Woody Allen Child Subject Molestation Touchy Read

When I asked my mother where babies came from, she thought I said rabies. She said you get them from being bitten by a dog. The next week, a woman on my block gave birth to triplets ... I thought she'd been bitten by a Great Dane. By Woody Allen Rabies Asked Mother Babies Bitten

I consider myself a completely lucky filmmaker. I've had nothing but good luck. Everything I've needed has come my way. By Woody Allen Filmmaker Completely Lucky Luck Good

I always feel the cynicism is reality with maybe an alternate spelling or something because I feel that I have real perspective on this particular issue of punishment in society. By Woody Allen Feel Society Cynicism Reality Alternate

Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue. By Woody Allen Error Press Keyboard Continue

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size? By Woody Allen World Size Find Meaning Finite

In every generation there are a few people who are authentically funny. The cosmetics change. You may not be able to articulate it, and you may laugh at them and get a certain amount of enjoyment. But when you're asleep at night, and you wake up at 3 in the morning, and you're alone in your bed, you know who's really funny. By Woody Allen Funny Generation People Authentically Change

Once munching has begun, Schopenhauer held, the human will cannot resist further munching, and the result is a universe with crumbs over everything. By Woody Allen Schopenhauer Begun Held Munching Human

Years of insanity have made this guy crazy! By Woody Allen Years Crazy Insanity Made Guy

When I was a young man, my friends and I and all of us in New York were very influenced by French cinema. French cinema played an enormous influence on those of us who wanted to be filmmakers. By Woody Allen York French Man Cinema Young

I think Hollywood has gone in a disastrous path. It's terrible. The years of cinema that were great were the '30s, '40s, not so much the '50s ... but then the foreign films took over and it was a great age of cinema as American directors were influenced by them and that fueled the '50s and '60s and '70s. By Woody Allen Hollywood Path Disastrous Cinema Great

American films, it's a money-making industry. And in France, you can find great respect for cinema as art. By Woody Allen American Films Industry France Moneymaking

My films are misinterpreted all the time. I don't mind that. Everybody's films are misinterpreted. But there's no malice or stupidity in the people that misinterpret them. You know what you do, but someone else sees it, and they want to talk about it or write about it, and so they misinterpret them. By Woody Allen Time Films Misinterpreted Misinterpret Mind

Sylvia Plath. Interesting poetess whose tragic suicide was misinterpreted as romantic by the college-girl mentality. By Woody Allen Plath Sylvia Interesting Mentality Poetess

I enjoy the making of the film and it's something for me to do. If nobody ever comes to my films, if people don't want to give me money to make films, that will stop me. But as long as people come all over the world and I have an audience and I have ideas for films, I will do them for as long as I enjoy the process. And I like the whole process of making a film. By Woody Allen Enjoy Films Long Making People

The audience goes to sleep really quickly! If you have a slight pause at the wrong time, that's it! By Woody Allen Quickly Audience Sleep Time Slight

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good. By Woody Allen Meaningless Sex Good Love Pretty

There is an advantage in having a routine and working with the same people when you can and in writing as a regular thing and filming as a regular thing. That routine pays off for you. You get a lot of productivity that way, rather than sitting around waiting for inspiration and waiting for the perfect thing to happen. I would be much less productive that way. By Woody Allen Regular Thing Routine Advantage Working

Humorists always sit at the children's table. By Woody Allen Humorists Table Sit Children

I never think I feel cynical in general. Cynical is reality with an alternate spelling. I feel there's a gigantic amount of injustice and overt crime every day in the world, from emotional crimes to international crimes, and it often carries rewards. By Woody Allen General Cynical Feel Crimes Spelling

Man cannot live by bread alone. Every once in awhile he needs a salad. By Woody Allen Man Live Bread Salad Awhile

If I just got up in the morning and had no place to go and was retired or something, I would sit there and I would be thinking, "Gee, what is the purpose of life? Why are we all finite? Why do we get old and die? Is there nothing out there? Why is it so tragic? Why do our loved ones perish? Why do we generate?" So who wants to think about that stuff? By Woody Allen Gee Thinking Life Morning Place

I learned a few things on my own since, and modified some of the things he taught me, but everything, unequivocally, that I learned about comedy writing I learned from Danny Simon, By Woody Allen Simon Learned Unequivocally Danny Things

My gift was in comedy. I found out I could make jokes. I could tell jokes. I could write them. So over the years, that's what I've done. By Woody Allen Comedy Jokes Gift Found Make

I wish I was writing something much more heavy each time I did a film, and that the comedies just occasionally come out. But unfortunately you're stuck with what you're born with. By Woody Allen Film Writing Heavy Time Comedies

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member. By Woody Allen Member Join Club Person

I hate the beach. I hate the sun. I'm pale and I'm redheaded. I don't tan - I stroke! By Woody Allen Hate Beach Sun Redheaded Tan

If you pursue the other woman, it's a losing situation and it's not good for your relationship or your marriage. If your marriage is open and you're allowed to, that's no good either. There's no way, really in the end, to be happy unless you get very lucky. By Woody Allen Woman Marriage Good Pursue Losing

My analyst warned me, but you were so beautiful I got another analyst. By Woody Allen Analyst Warned Beautiful

For some reason it gives people pleasure to equate the life of certain movie actors or actresses with their actual lives. By Woody Allen Lives Reason People Pleasure Equate

I always write the same way. I always write with a yellow pad and a ballpoint pen on my bed. And then I go and type it up afterwards. I've always done that. Those things become habitual. By Woody Allen Write Bed Yellow Pad Ballpoint

It's cruel to bring life into this terrible world. By Woody Allen World Cruel Bring Life Terrible

Achilles only had an Achilles heel. I have an entire Achilles body. By Woody Allen Achilles Heel Body Entire

What is fascinating is that it is physical. You know, that's one thing about intellectuals, they've proved that you can be absolute brilliant and have no idea what's going on. But on the other hand, the body doesn't lie, as we now know. Nono, it'll be great, because all of those ph.Ds are in there, like, discussing modes of alienation, and we'll be in here quietly humping. By Woody Allen Physical Fascinating Intellectuals Nono Hand

I cannot say for certain that God does not exist; I think the worst thing that can be said about him is that he's a bit of an underachiever. By Woody Allen God Exist Underachiever Worst Thing

History is the same thing over and over again. By Woody Allen History Thing

It seems to me that making escapist films might be a better service to people than making intellectual ones and making films that deal with issues. It might be better to just make escapist comedies that don't touch on any issues. The people just get a cool lemonade, and then they go out refreshed, they enjoy themselves, they forget how awful things are and it helps them - it strengthens them to get through the day. By Woody Allen Making Films Issues Escapist Service

I don't wanna live on in my work. I wanna live on in my apartment. By Woody Allen Live Work Wanna Apartment

Culturally speaking, I was raised in a Jewish household. In addition to the religious side of it, I was taught respect for books and learning and the higher professions like medicine and law and teaching. By Woody Allen Jewish Culturally Speaking Household Raised

People still have existential anxiety. It just may not be expressed in Hebraic idiom. By Woody Allen People Anxiety Existential Hebraic Idiom

As I've gotten older, the parts have diminished. I liked it when I was younger, I could always play the lead in the movie and I could do all the romantic scenes with the women, and it was fun and I liked to play that. Now, I'm older and I'm reduced to playing the backstage doorman or the uncle or something. I don't really love that so occasionally, when a part comes up, I'll play it. By Woody Allen Play Diminished Older Younger Women

To me there's no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They're all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful. By Woody Allen Fortune Religions Real Difference Teller

This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken. The doctor says, Well, why don't you turn him in? And the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. Well I guess that's pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd but I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs. By Woody Allen Doc Eggs Psychiatrist Brother Guy

It reminds me of that old joke- you know, a guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, hey doc, my brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. Then the doc says, why don't you turn him in? Then the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. I guess that's how I feel about relationships. They're totally crazy, irrational, and absurd, but we keep going through it because we need the eggs. By Woody Allen Joke Hey Eggs Reminds Walks

I'm a nice person! I have healthy life drives and goals! I don't drink, I don't smoke. I would never force myself sexually on a blind person! By Woody Allen Person Nice Goals Healthy Life

There will be no major solution to the suffering of humanity until we reach some understanding of who we are, what the purpose of creation was, what happens after death. Until those questions are resolved we are caught. By Woody Allen Death Major Solution Suffering Humanity

People say that death is a part of life and there must be something to it, but I just see it as bad news and I want everybody to stop sugarcoating it. By Woody Allen People Death Part Life Bad

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better ... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. By Woody Allen People Good World Divided Bad

It's all through the actors; I cannot write in that idiom By Woody Allen Actors Idiom Write

People make films for different reasons. For money. Or, they make them because something in them demands artistic expression. I do it because I enjoy the work. By Woody Allen People Reasons Films Make Money

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. By Woody Allen Photons Mass Catholic

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast. By Woody Allen Remember Fast Smoke Sex

Over the years I've never written or made movies about political themes 'cause while they do have current critical importance, in the large, large scheme of things, only the big questions matter and the answers to those big questions are very, very depressing. By Woody Allen Big Questions Large Themes Importance

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime. By Woody Allen Capital Crime Punishment Effective Preventive

Isn't all mankind ultimately executed for a crime it never committed? By Woody Allen Committed Mankind Ultimately Executed Crime

Drama is like meat and three veg. Whereas comedy is like the merangue at the end. By Woody Allen Drama Veg Meat End Comedy

You look up after many years and you find that a film has become a classic because it's meaningful to people and alive, decade after decade. By Woody Allen Alive Decade Years Find Film

Everyone wants to get out of living where they're living now, because life is a pretty tough proposition and not much fun. But when you think back to earlier times, you only extrapolate the nice things. By Woody Allen Fun Living Life Pretty Tough

The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion. By Woody Allen Lion Great Roe Mythological Beast

Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing 'Embraceable You' in spats. By Woody Allen Embraceable Nature Remarkable Singing Spats

I've gained no wisdom, no insight, no mellowing. I would make all the same mistakes again, today. By Woody Allen Wisdom Insight Mellowing Gained Today

That (sex) was the most fun I ever had without laughing. By Woody Allen Sex Laughing Fun

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips. By Woody Allen Warren Beatty Reincarnation Fingertips Back

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government. By Woody Allen Watching Government

Well, if I don't get at least 16 hours, I'm a basket case. By Woody Allen Hours Case Basket

In real life I'm not the character I play in my films. I'm reasonably competent, I work very hard, I'm disciplined, I lead a very middle class life. I work in the mornings, I have lunch, I practise my clarinet, I go to the movies, I eat out in restaurants or watch ball games on television or at the ball games. By Woody Allen Life Films Real Character Play

Me sitting down for dinner with Ingmar Bergman felt like a house painter sitting down with Picasso. By Woody Allen Picasso Ingmar Bergman Sitting Dinner

I just met a wonderful new man, he is fictional but you can't have everything By Woody Allen Man Met Wonderful Fictional

I feel humor is important for those two reasons: that it is a little bit of refreshment like music, and that women have told me over the years that it is very, very important to them. By Woody Allen Important Reasons Music Feel Humor

If my soul exists without my body I am convinced all my clothes will be loose-fitting By Woody Allen Loosefitting Soul Exists Body Convinced

I always thought it would be very funny if I was a blind film director. By Woody Allen Director Thought Funny Blind Film

In New York State they have a strange law that says you can't get a divorce unless you can prove adultery - and it's weird, because the Ten Commandments say 'Thou shalt not commit adultery.' But New York State says you have to. Well, finally, what happened was that my wife committed adultery for me. She's always been more mechanically inclined than I have. By Woody Allen Thou York State Ten Commandments

Taste my tuna casserole - tell me if I put in too much hot fudge. By Woody Allen Taste Casserole Fudge Tuna Put

Drama, it would be as if you wrote some poetry. You'd run the risk of being embarrassed if people read it, because you're pouring your heart out and you're not mitigating it with any humor or anything. By Woody Allen Drama Poetry Wrote Run Risk

My experience creatively is different than my experience in life, for, as my father would say, the simple reason that you can't get hurt when everything goes wrong creatively. By Woody Allen Experience Creatively Life Father Simple

Paranoia is knowing all the facts. By Woody Allen Paranoia Facts Knowing

I can understand that an audience, buying a ticket to see a picture of mine, wants to see something funny because they feel confident that at least I have a fighting chance to make a funny film when I make a film, whereas if I make a dramatic film there's one chance in a thousand that it's really going to come out great, so I understand how they feel about that and they're completely right. By Woody Allen Make Film Feel Understand Funny

I never knew what Amazon was. I've never seen any of those series, even on cable. I've never seen The Sopranos, or Mad Men. I'm out every night and when I come home, I watch the end of the baseball or basketball game, and there's Charlie Rose and I go to sleep. By Woody Allen Amazon Knew Sopranos Men Mad

Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service. By Woody Allen Association National Rifle Member Citizens

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. By Woody Allen America Organized Supplies Crime Forty

Throughout history in the theater and film people do like sarcastic characters, and they do like curmudgeons - if they're amusing, they do like them despite the fact that they're vitriolic, particularly if they're for the right thing. If you can see that the person is a decent person and is for the right thing, and is not just a nasty person with base motives, but someone who is a decent human but expresses himself. By Woody Allen Thing Characters Curmudgeons Amusing Vitriolic

I am an only child. I have one sister. By Woody Allen Child Sister

I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to ... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot. By Woody Allen Mellow Respond Tendency Rot Ripen

One of the interesting things is, the most gifted people, the biggest people, have no problem taking small roles. By Woody Allen People Roles Interesting Things Gifted

I would never wanna belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member. By Woody Allen Member Wanna Belong Club

Once the movie's over, there's not much point. When the thing is edited, mixed, and color-corrected, and you've finished it ... In my case, I never read anything about it, I never think about it. By Woody Allen Point Movie Mixed Edited Colorcorrected

I'd always wanted to be a dramatic. Comedy comes more naturally to me. I can do it with more facility. So I feel more comfortable with it. By Woody Allen Dramatic Wanted Comedy Facility Naturally

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. By Woody Allen Pedestal Tended Place Wife

It's hard for me to know. I'll think, 'I really brought off my ideas, it's great,' and no one sparks to it By Woody Allen Hard Ideas Great Brought Sparks

I keep wondering if there is an afterlife, and if there is will they be able to break a twenty? By Woody Allen Afterlife Twenty Wondering Break

Raised by two mothers ... wow, most of us barely survive one By Woody Allen Wow Raised Mothers Barely Survive

Should I marry W.? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name. By Woody Allen Marry Letters

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. By Woody Allen Parents Crib Put Live Teddy

You're a genius! And the proof is that both common people and intellectuals find your work completely incoherent. By Woody Allen Genius Incoherent Proof Common People

My brain? That's my second favorite organ. By Woody Allen Brain Organ Favorite

Arlene and I have to get a divorce. She thinks I'm a pervert because I drank our water bed. By Woody Allen Arlene Divorce Bed Pervert Drank

Sygmnd was a poor Austrian who'd lost all the vowels in his name in a boating accident. By Woody Allen Austrian Sygmnd Accident Poor Lost

Visually I've always liked the 20s 30s for film. I do these because I like the music. I like the clothes. I like the way the women and the guys look. There are soldiers and sailors and gangsters with the machine guns in their violin cases. It's a very colorful era of New York, full of great theater and great nightclubs and great jazz. By Woody Allen Visually Film Great York Music

Figures tell us there are already more people on earth than we need to move even the heaviest piano. By Woody Allen Figures Piano People Earth Move

With me; it's just a genetic dissatisfaction with everything. By Woody Allen Genetic Dissatisfaction

Let's say there was a burning building and you could rush in and you could save only one thing: either the last known copy of Shakespeare's plays or some anonymous human being. What would you do? By Woody Allen Shakespeare Thing Burning Building Rush

There's nothing like the discovery of an unknown work by a great thinker to set the intellectual community atwitter and cause academics to dart about like those things one sees when looking at a drop of water under a microscope. By Woody Allen Microscope Discovery Unknown Work Great

Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser! By Woody Allen Honey Bring Eraser Copy

He's a genius, she's a genius, wow, you know alot of geniuses, you should meet some stupid people sometime, you might learn something By Woody Allen Genius Wow Geniuses Alot Meet

That's the way I feel about the world: there are certain problems that can only be dealt with that way - going out and doing them. As ugly a truth as that is, I do think it's the truth about the world. By Woody Allen World Feel Problems Dealt Truth

Honey, there's a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick. By Woody Allen Honey Buick Spider Bathroom Size

You make films whether they're dramas or comedies about neurotic people. Flawed people. Interesting personality traits. To make them about calm, stable untroubled people isn't interesting. By Woody Allen People Films Dramas Comedies Neurotic

Every time you make a movie it's a new and different experience. You learn very little from the past. So, I'm a little bit better than I was when I first started. By Woody Allen Experience Time Make Movie Past

I don't rely on anybody except my own judgment. I don't get much input. I don't know if that's helped me or if I would be better off if I did rely on someone. By Woody Allen Judgment Rely Input Helped

Paris is particularly beautiful in the rain. It was just a nice experience for me, a pleasant experience, and I was able to present it to the world through my eyes, very subjectively - not realistically, but subjectively. By Woody Allen Paris Rain Subjectively Beautiful Experience

Regarding love what can you say? It's not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It's the quality. On the other hand if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it. By Woody Allen Love Quantity Counts Sexual Relations

I don't like to reminisce much, and my walls don't have photographs of me and the actors I was with, or any of that stuff. I try and keep that disciplined, and just work. There are so many traps you can get into, and looking back on your own work is certainly one of them. By Woody Allen Stuff Reminisce Walls Photographs Actors

I have one last request. Don't use embalming fluid on me; I want to be stuffed with crab meat. By Woody Allen Request Meat Embalming Fluid Stuffed

I myself don't like to speak to the actors at all. I like to hire great people and let them do their thing. I don't like to speak to them. I don't like to have lunch with them. I don't like to socialize with them. I don't like to hear their ideas. By Woody Allen Speak Actors Thing Hire Great

For the first year of marriage I had basically a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal. By Woody Allen Attitude Year Marriage Basically Bad

I don't inhale because it gives you cancer, but I look so incredibly handsome with a cigarette that I can't not hold one. By Woody Allen Cancer Inhale Incredibly Handsome Cigarette

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. By Woody Allen Live Hundred Give Things Make

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. By Woody Allen Boss Maker House Wife Decision

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate ... eh ... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba. By Woody Allen Drinker Tolerate Body Spirits Cuba

To me nature is ... spiders and bugs, and big fish eating little fish, and plants eating plans, and animals eating ... It's like an enormous restaurant, that's the way I see it. By Woody Allen Eating Nature Fish Spiders Bugs

There is something about big cities that turns me on, and for whatever mysterious reason, places like New York and Paris inspire me. I think it's because cities represent civilization, and as crime-ridden and broken down as some of them are, it's still better than skipping through a meadow. By Woody Allen York Paris Reason Places Cities

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. By Woody Allen Suffer Love Happy Suffering Suffers

I can't enjoy anything unless everybody is. If one guy is starving someplace, that puts a crimp in my evening. By Woody Allen Enjoy Someplace Evening Guy Starving

I heard that Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysenery. By Woody Allen Dysenery Commentary Dissent Heard Merged

Take the money and run. By Woody Allen Run Money

I'm in show business. I'm not like a poor factory worker who'd been laid off. By Woody Allen Business Show Poor Factory Worker

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic. By Woody Allen People Sex Beautiful Thing Fantastic

I think universal harmony is a pipedream and it may be more productive to focus on more modest goals, like a ban on yodeling. By Woody Allen Goals Yodeling Universal Harmony Pipedream

Basically I am a low-culture person. I prefer watching baseball with a beer and some meatballs. By Woody Allen Basically Person Lowculture Meatballs Prefer

Every hooker I ever speak to tells me that it beats the hell out of waitressing. By Woody Allen Waitressing Hooker Speak Beats Hell

I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child. By Woody Allen Asked Girl Bring Teresa Sister

I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light. By Woody Allen Light Afraid Darkand Suspicious

I'm a terrible musician. While the band members are great, I'm tolerated and affectionately regarded because I do movies, but if I had to make my living as a musician I would starve. I'm like a Sunday tennis player. By Woody Allen Musician Terrible Sunday Great Movies

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No. By Woody Allen Contraception Terrific Story Oral Asked

Well, trouble's my middle name. Actually, my middle name is Marion, but I don't want you spreading that around. By Woody Allen Middle Trouble Marion Spreading

I didn't believe in reincarnation in my past life, and I still don't. By Woody Allen Life Reincarnation Past

I hate when art becomes a religion. I feel the opposite. When you start putting a higher value on works of art than people, you're forfeiting your humanity. By Woody Allen