Discover a wealth of wisdom and insight from Tim Vine through their most impactful and thought-provoking quotes and sayings. Expand your perspective with their inspiring words and share these beautiful Tim Vine quote pictures with your friends and followers on social media platforms like Facebook, Twitter, or your personal blog - all free of charge. We've compiled the top 62 Tim Vine quotes for you to explore and share with others.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels. By Tim Vine Crime Parks Multistorey Car Levels

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me." By Tim Vine Paper Policeman Pencil Piece Thin

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative. By Tim Vine Narrative Story Weave Oneliners Count

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red. By Tim Vine Chinese Red Restaurant Duck

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. By Tim Vine Suitcase Love Pack Small

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus. By Tim Vine Acting Bonus Love

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway. By Tim Vine Swear Make Conscious Effort People

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.' By Tim Vine Icecream Shop Local Buy Hundreds

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on. By Tim Vine Phoned Local Ramblers Club Today

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions". By Tim Vine Supermarket Complaint Onions Local Make

As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing. By Tim Vine Thing Older Told Important Writing

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is." By Tim Vine Shop Pet Goldfish Buy Aquarium

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?" By Tim Vine Kettle Kenwood Shop Sell Bloke

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out. By Tim Vine Black Holes Exit Signs People

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button. By Tim Vine Button Lazy Smoke Alarm Snooze

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it. By Tim Vine Room Day Left Piece Plasticine

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people. By Tim Vine People Eyebrows World

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil? ... Crematoriums. By Tim Vine Boil Crematoriums Makes Blood

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything." By Tim Vine Theatre Told Mum Opened Audition

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End ... ' By Tim Vine End Armageddon Today Packet Bought

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch." By Tim Vine Analogue Watch Buy Man Shop

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it? By Tim Vine Paris Eurostar Train Driver Wanna

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely" ... It's a basic skill isn't it ... By Tim Vine Home Write Thought Left Mum

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets. By Tim Vine Bovril Twiglets Stick Insect Laid

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera." By Tim Vine Doctor Lapels Cholera Frightened

You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle. By Tim Vine Magic Trick Good Half Semicircle

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one. By Tim Vine Cheetah Bloke Chatting Pull Fast

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness". By Tim Vine Carpets Bloke House Talk Jehoover

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me." By Tim Vine Work Mate Asked Voluntary Paid

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.' By Tim Vine Mate Fancied Game Darts Baah

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray. By Tim Vine Pants Kray Met Gangster Pulls

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it. By Tim Vine Hey Door Sponge Front Knock

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter. By Tim Vine Pipes Converter Door Neighbour Worships

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver. By Tim Vine Herby Restaurant Asked Volkswagen Driver

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R. By Tim Vine Today Met Bloke Invented Crosswords

My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul. By Tim Vine Bedroom House Bit Teenager Knievel

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum. By Tim Vine Costa Coffee Banstead Rubbish Sit

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' By Tim Vine Car Lift Bloke Give Great

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.' By Tim Vine Firm House Rang Local Building

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke. By Tim Vine Stuff Confidence Silly Seventyfive Percent

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out By Tim Vine Onearmed Butlers Dish

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.' By Tim Vine Instructor Splits Gym Teach Tuesdays

My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped. By Tim Vine Dvd Psychiatrist Cellophane Put Shrinkwrapped

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house. By Tim Vine Jokes Start Chimney Stack House

One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it. By Tim Vine Son Things Tour Occasionally Dad

People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff. By Tim Vine People Driven Act Busy Mind

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again. By Tim Vine Holiday

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac. By Tim Vine Paronomasiac Compulsively Pun Called

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet. By Tim Vine Chairs Dentist Vine Forwards Thought

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy. By Tim Vine Past Sea Day Loads Meat

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. By Tim Vine Hunting Saboteur Fact Hunt Fox

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.' By Tim Vine Home Ringing Phone Picked Speaking

Velcro: what a rip-off. By Tim Vine Velcro Ripoff

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.' By Tim Vine Baths Swimming Local Rang Depends

I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues. By Tim Vine Play Rock Places Kind Roll

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin. By Tim Vine Chinese Apparently People Colin World

I was reading a book ... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down. By Tim Vine Book Reading Glue History Put

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor. By Tim Vine Simile Date Metaphor

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds. By Tim Vine Trick Candles Blow Couple

For one thing, I don't pun excessively in real life. By Tim Vine Thing Life Pun Excessively Real

Ive decided to sell my Hoover ... well, it was just collecting dust. By Tim Vine Hoover Ive Decided Sell Dust

Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is. By Tim Vine Comedy Covers Wide Range Styles