Discover a wealth of wisdom and insight from Terry Pratchett through their most impactful and thought-provoking quotes and sayings. Expand your perspective with their inspiring words and share these beautiful Terry Pratchett quote pictures with your friends and followers on social media platforms like Facebook, Twitter, or your personal blog - all free of charge. We've compiled the top 4103 Terry Pratchett quotes for you to explore and share with others.

He enjoyed reading and writing. He liked words. Words didn't shout or make loud noises, which pretty much defined the rest of his family. They didn't involve getting muddy in the freezing cold. They didn't hunt inoffensive animals, either. They did what he told them to. So, he'd said, he wanted to write. By Terry Pratchett Writing Enjoyed Reading Words Noises

There are no medium-sized trees in the deep forest. There are only the towering ones, whose canopy spreads across the sky. Below, in the gloom, there's light for nothing but mosses and ferns. But when a giant falls, leaving a little space ... then there's a race - between the trees on either side, who want to spread out, and the seedlings below, who race to grow up. Sometimes, you can make your own space. By Terry Pratchett Forest Mediumsized Deep Space Trees

Don't be ridiculous, man," said Ridcully, "there's no such thing as dwarf smuggling.""Yeah? Then what's that you've got there?""I'm a giant," said Casanunda."Giants are a lot bigger.""I've been ill. By Terry Pratchett Yeah Man Ridcully Ridiculous Smuggling

A dwarf who can't get the hang of metal? That must be pretty unique.""Pretty rare, sir. But I was quite good at alchemy..""Guild member?""Not any more, sir.""Oh? How did you leave the guild?""Through the roof, sir. But I'm pretty certain I know what I did wrong. By Terry Pratchett Sir Metal Pretty Dwarf Hang

We know what the law is, Mister Po-leess-maan. The law is the land. You say, "This is my land", but you did not make the land. You did not make your sheep, you did not make the rabbits on which we live, you did not make the cows, or the horses, but you say, "These things are mine". This cannot be a truth. I make my axe, my pots, and these are mine. What I wear is mine. Some love was mine. Now it has gone. I think you are a good man, Mister Po-leess-maan but we see the turning of the times. Maybe a hundred or two hundred years ago there was in the world what people called "the wilderness", or "no man's land", or "wasteland", and we lived in such places, we are waste people. There was the troll race, the dwarf race, the human race, and I am sorry for the goblin race that we cannot run so fast. By Terry Pratchett Make Land Mine Law Mister

Vimes, listening with his mouth open, wondered why the hell it was that dwarfs believed that they had no religion and no priests. Being a dwarf was a religion. People went into the dark for the good of the clan, and heard things, and were changed, and came back to tell ... And then, fifty years ago, a dwarf tinkering in Ankh-Morpork had found that if you put a simple fine mesh over your lantern flame it'd burn blue in the presence of the gas but wouldn't explode. It was a discovery of immense value to the good of dwarfkind and, as so often happens with such discoveries, almost immediately led to a war."And afterwards there were two kinds of dwarf," said Cheery sadly. "There's the Copperheads, who all use the lamp and the patent gas exploder, and the Schmaltzbergers, who stick to the old ways. Of course we're all dwarfs," she said, "but relations are strained. By Terry Pratchett Religion Dwarf Vimes Listening Open

Why is it all Mr. Dibbler's films are set against the background of a world gone mad?" said the dwarf. Soll's eyes narrowed. "Because Mr. Dibbler," he growled, "is a very observant man." Dibbler By Terry Pratchett Dibbler Mad Dwarf Films Set

You're free to wear whatever you want, you know that.""Yes, sir. And then I thought about Dee. And I watched the king when he was talking to you, and ... well, I can wear what I like, sir. That's the point. I don't have to wear something just because other people don't want me to. Anyway, it made me look a rather stupid lettuce.""That's all a bit complicated for me, Cheery.""It's probably a dwarf thing, sir.""And a female thing," said Vimes."Well, sir ... yes. A dwarf thing and a female thing," said Cheery. "And they don't come much more complicated than that. By Terry Pratchett Sir Thing Wear That Dee

I am pleased to say I find nothing funny, sir," Bent replied as they reached the bottom of the stairs. "I have no sense of humor whatsoever. None at all. It has been proven by phrenology. I have Nichtlachen-Keinwortz syndrome, which for some curious reason is considered a lamentable affliction. I, on the other hand, consider it a gift. I am happy to say that I regard the sight of a fat man slipping on a banana skin as nothing more than an unfortunate accident that highlights the need for care in the disposal of household waste." "Have you tried - " Moist began, but Bent held up a hand. "Please! I repeat, I do not regard it as a burden! And may I say it annoys me when people assume it is such! Do not feel impelled to try to make me laugh, sir! If I had no legs, would you try to make me run? I am quite happy, thank you!" He By Terry Pratchett Funny Stairs Bent Pleased Find

Dear Mr Lipwig,I feel that you are a dear, sweet man who will look after my little Mr Fusspot. Please be kind to him. He has been my only friend in difficult times. Money is such a crude thing in these circumstances, but the sum of $20,000 annually will be paid to you (in arrears) for performing this duty, which I beg you to accept.If you do not, or if he dies of unnatural causes, your arse will belong to the Guild of Assassins. $100,000 is lodged with Lord Downey, and his young gentlemen will hunt you down and gut you like the weasel you are, Smart Boy! May the gods bless you for your kindness to a widow in distress. By Terry Pratchett Dear Fusspot Sweet Lipwigi Feel

Most people, on waking up, accelerate through a quick panicky pre-consciousness check-up: who am I, where am I, who is he/she, good god, why am I cuddling a policeman's helmet, what happened last night?And this is because people are riddled by Doubt. It is the engine that drives them through their lives. It is the elastic band in the little model aeroplane of their soul, and they spend their time winding it up until it knots. Early morning is the worst time -there's that little moment of panic in case You have drifted away in the night and something else has moved in. This never happened to Granny Weatherwax. She went straight from asleep to instant operation on all six cylinders. She never needed to find herself because she always knew who was doing the looking. By Terry Pratchett Doubt People Accelerate Checkup Good

A young man of godlilke proportions* was standing in the doorway.* The better class of gods, anyway. Not the ones with the tentacles, obviously. By Terry Pratchett Proportions Doorway Gods Young Man

The Eater of Socks,' moaned the Senior Wrangler, with his eyes shut. 'How many tentacles would you expect it to have?' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. 'I mean, roughly speaking? By Terry Pratchett Socks Wrangler Eater Senior Moaned

Sometime later the islanders on a little rimward atoll were amazed to find, washed into their little local lagoon, the wave-rocked corpse of a hideous sea monster, all beaks, eyes and tentacles. They were further astonished at its size, since it was rather larger than their village. But their surprise was tiny compared to the huge, stricken expression on the face of the dead monster, which appeared to be have been trampled to death. By Terry Pratchett Find Washed Lagoon Beaks Eyes

But what we have here is not a nice girl, as generally understood. For one thing, she's not beautiful. There's a certain set to the jaw and arch to the nose that might, with a following wind and in the right light, be called handsome by a good-natured liar. Also, there's a certain glint in her eye generally possessed by those people who have found that they are more intelligent than most people around them but who haven't yet learned that one of the most intelligent things they can do is prevent said people ever finding this out. By Terry Pratchett Girl Understood Nice People Generally

Rain falling on water ... Ah, yes ... When he was a little lad he'd pretended that the raindrops splashing in the running gutters were soldiers. Millions of soldiers. And the bubbles that sometimes went floating by were men on horseback. Right now he couldn't remember what the occasional dead dog had been. Some kind of siege weapon, possibly. By Terry Pratchett Rain Water Falling Soldiers Possibly

That meant that he was in charge in the absence of the senior members of the faculty. And, currently, this being the spring break, they were absent. And so were the students. The University was, therefore, running at near peak efficiency. By Terry Pratchett Faculty Meant Charge Absence Senior

Fantasy is escapism, but wait ... Why is this wrong? What are you escaping from, and where are you escaping to? Is the story opening windows or slamming doors? The British author G.K. Chesterton summarized the role of fantasy very well. He said its purpose was to take the everyday, commonplace world and lift it up and turn it around and show it to us from a different perspective, so that once again we see it for the first time and realize how marvelous it is. Fantasy - the ability to envisage the world in many different ways - is one of the skills that make us human. By Terry Pratchett Escapism Wait Fantasy Escaping World

But I see you're not standing in a bleedin' shadow, Perks, nor have you done anything to change your bleedin' shape, you're silhouetted against the bleedin' light and your sabre's shining like a diamond in a chimney-sweep's bleedin' ear'ole! Explain!""It's because of the one C, sarge!" said Polly, still staring straight ahead. "And that is?" "Colour, sarge! I'm wearing bleedin' red and white in a bleedin' grey forest, sarge! By Terry Pratchett Perks Bleedin Sarge Shadow Shape

I mean, you're right about the fire and war, all that. But that Rapture stuffwell, if you could see them all in Heavenserried ranks of them as far as the mind can follow and beyond, league after league of us, flaming swords, all that, well, what I'm trying to say is who has time to go round picking people out and popping them up in the air to sneer at the people dying of radiation sickness on the parched and burning earth below them? If that's your idea of a morally acceptable time, I might add. By Terry Pratchett War Fire League People Time

It was always cheaper to build a new 33-MegaLith circle than upgrade an old slow one. By Terry Pratchett Circle Cheaper Build Upgrade Slow

Veil, you see, if I vas to say something portentous like "zer dark eyes of zer mind" back home in Uberwald, zer would be a sudden crash of thunder,' said Otto. 'And if I vas to point at a castle on a towering crag and say "Yonder is ... zer castle" a volf would be bound to howl mournfully.' He sighed. 'In zer old country, zer scenery is psychotropic and knows vot is expected of it. Here, alas, people just look at you in a funny vay. By Terry Pratchett Uberwald Otto Zer Vas Veil

I just couldn't stand it any more back in Bes Pelargic,' Twoflower went on blithely, 'sitting at a desk all day, just adding up columns of figures, just a pension to look forward to at the end of it ... where's the romance in that? Twoflower, I thought, it's now or never. You don't just have to listen to stories. You can go there. Now's the time to stop hanging around the docks listening to sailors' tales. By Terry Pratchett Pelargic Bes Twoflower Blithely Sitting

Tiffany got up early and lit the fires. When her mother came down, she was scrubbing the kitchen floor, very hard."Er ... aren't you supposed to do that sort of thing by magic, dear?" said her mother, who'd never really got the hang of what witchcraft was all about."No, Mum, I'm supposed not to," said Tiffany, still scrubbing."But can't you just wave your hand and make all the dirt fly away, then?""The trouble is getting the magic to understand what dirt is," said Tiffany, scrubbing hard at a stain. "I heard of a witch over in Escrow who got it wrong and ended up losing the entire floor and her sandals and nearly a toe."Mrs. Aching backed away. "I thought you just had to wave your hands about," she mumbled nervously."That works," said Tiffany, "but only if you wave them about on the floor with a scrubbing brush. By Terry Pratchett Tiffany Scrubbing Fires Wave Floor

That was a dhlang!" he said. "An evil spirit! The peasants down in the valleys hang up charms against them! But I thought they were just a superstition!""No, they're a substition," said Susan. "I mean they're real, but hardly anyone really believes them. Mostly everyone believes in things that aren't real. Something very strange is going on. Those things are all over the place, and they've got bodies. That's not right. We've got to find the person who built the clock - ""And, er, what are you, Miss Susan?""Me? I'm ... a schoolteacher."She followed his gaze to the wrench that she still carried in her hand, and shrugged."It can get pretty rough at break time, can it?" said Lobsang. By Terry Pratchett Dhlang Susan Real Things Spirit

In fact he was incurably insane and hallucinated more or less continuously, but by a remarkable stroke of lateral thinking his fellow wizards had reasoned that, in that case, the whole business could be sorted out if only they could find a formula that caused him to hallucinate that he was completely sane.**This is a very common hallucination, shared by most people. By Terry Pratchett Continuously Case Sane Hallucination Shared

Granny Weatherwax was often angry. She considered it one of her strong points. Genuine anger was one of the world's greatest creative forces. But you had to learn how to control it. That didn't mean you let it trickle away. it meant you dammed it, carefully, let it develop a working head, let it drown whole valleys of the mind and then, just when the whole structure was about to collapse, opened a tiny pipeline at the base and let the iron-hard stream of wrath power the turbines of revenge. By Terry Pratchett Weatherwax Granny Angry Points Considered

Vimes died. The sun dropped out of the sky, giant lizards took over the world, and the stars exploded and went out and all hope vanished and gurgled into the sinktrap of oblivion. And gas filled the firmament and combusted and behold! There was a new heaven - or possibly not. And Disc and Io and and possibly verily life crawled out of the sea - or possibly didn't because it had been made by the gods, and lizards turned to less scaly lizards - or possibly did not. And lizards turned into birds and bugs turned into butterflies and a species of apple turned into banana and a kind of monkey fell out of a tree and realised life was better when you didn't have to spend your time hanging onto something. And in only a few billion years evolved trousers and ornamental stripey hats. Lastly the game of Crocket. And there, magically reincarnated, was Vimes, a little dizzy, standing on the village green looking into the smiling countenance of an enthusiast. By Terry Pratchett Possibly Lizards Turned Died Vimes

They are brought up to give orders, they know that they're on the right side because if they are on it then it must be the right side, by definition, and when they feel threatened they are bare-knuckle fighters, except that they never take their gloves off. They are thugs. Thugs and bullies, bullies, and the worst kind of bully, because they aren't cowards and if you stand up to them they only hit you harder. They grew up in a world where, if you were enough trouble, they could have you ... disappeared. You think places like the Shades are bad? Then you don't know what goes on in Park Lane! And my father is one of the worst. But I'm family. We ... care about family. So I'll be all right. You stay here and help them get the paper out, will you? Half a truth is better than nothing, he added bitterly. By Terry Pratchett Side Orders Definition Fighters Brought

homesickness rose up inside Rincewind like a late-night prawn biriani, By Terry Pratchett Rincewind Homesickness Biriani Rose Inside

There was no sound but the murmur of nasty little stinging insects, the occasional crack of a falling branch, and the whispering of the trees discussing religion and the trouble with squirrels. Rincewind By Terry Pratchett Insects Branch Squirrels Sound Murmur

How does it feel about women?" "Oh, it's not choosy. It ate a book of spells last year. Sulked for three days and then spat it out." "It's horrible," said Conina, and backed away. "Oh, yes," said Rincewind, "absolutely. By Terry Pratchett Women Feel Choosy Conina Rincewind

Capacity for violence, Rincewind had heard, was unisexual. He wasn't certain what unisex was, but expected that it was what he normally experienced. By Terry Pratchett Rincewind Capacity Violence Heard Unisexual

Not much call for a barbarian hairdresser, I expect,' said Rincewind. 'I mean, no-one wants a shampoo-and-beheading. By Terry Pratchett Rincewind Hairdresser Expect Call Barbarian

Several times Rincewind noticed hydrophobes - their ingrained expressions of self-revulsion at their own bodily fluids - were distinctive By Terry Pratchett Rincewind Hydrophobes Fluids Distinctive Times

Of the three things that most people know about the horse, the third is that, over a short distance, it can't run as fast as a man. As Rincewind had learned to his advantage, it has more legs to sort out. By Terry Pratchett Horse Distance Man Things People

Haven't you noticed that by running away you end up in more trouble?" "Yes, but, you see, you can run away from that, too," said Rincewind. "That's the beauty of the system. Dead is only for once, but running away is for ever. By Terry Pratchett Trouble Noticed End Rincewind Running

Oh no, not -' OF COURSE, WHAT'S SO BLOODY VEXING ABOUT THE WHOLE BUSINESS IS THAT I WAS EXPECTING TO MEET THEE IN PSEPHOPOLOLIS'But that's five hundred miles away!'YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME, THE WHOLE SYSTEM'S GOT SCREWED UP AGAIN, I CAN SEE THAT. LOOK, THERE'S NO CHANCE OF YOU-?Rincewind backed away, hands spread protectively in front of him ... 'Not a chance!'I COULD LEND YOU A VERY FAST HORSE.'No!'IT WON'T HURT A BIT.'No!' Rincewind turned and ran. Death watched him go, and shrugged bitterly. By Terry Pratchett Bloody Vexing Business Expecting Meet

Rincewind tried to force the memory out of his mind, but it was rather enjoying itself there, terrorizing the other occupants and kicking over the furniture. By Terry Pratchett Rincewind Mind Terrorizing Furniture Force

He'sh mad?""Sort of mad. But mad with lots of money.""Ah, then he can't be mad. I've been around; if a man hash lotsh of money he'sh just ecshentric. By Terry Pratchett Sort Mad Hesh Money Lots

I would like permission to fetch a note from my mother, sir' Ridcully sighed. 'Rincewind, you once informed me, to my everlasting puzzlement, that you never knew your mother because she ran away before you were born. Distinctly remember writing it down in my diary. Would you like another try?' 'Permission to go and find my mother?' By Terry Pratchett Ridcully Sir Mother Rincewind Sighed

Rincewind looked up at the tall black figure that had appeared a few feet away. It was, of course, Death. He turned his glowing eyesockets toward Rincewind and said, in a voice like the collapse of undersea chasms, GOOD AFTERNOON. By Terry Pratchett Death Rincewind Looked Tall Black

Rincewind's feet made their own decision and, from the point of view of his head, got it entirely wrong. By Terry Pratchett Rincewind Head Wrong Feet Made

Rincewind switched to High Borogravian, to Vanglemesht, Sumtri and even Black Oroogu, the language with no nouns and only one adjective, which is obscene. Each was met with polite incomprehension. In desperation he tried heathen Trob, and the little man's face split into a delighted grin. By Terry Pratchett Borogravian Vanglemesht Sumtri Oroogu High

I just think the world ought to be more sort of organized.''That's just fantasy,' said Twoflower.'I know. That's the trouble.' Rincewind sighed again. By Terry Pratchett Twoflower Fantasy World Sort Organized

Not much. I never really spent anything. I've often wondered what being poor was like." "You're going to get a huge opportunity to find out." "Will I need training?" "It comes naturally," said Rincewind. "You pick it up as you go along. By Terry Pratchett Rincewind Spent Training Naturally Wondered

He was trying to conjure up a succubus." It should be impossible to leer when all you've got is a beak, but the parrot managed it. "That's a female demon what comes in the night and makes mad passionate wossn-""I've heard of them," said Rincewind. "Bloody dangerous things."The parrot put its head on one side. "It never worked. All he ever got was a neuralger.""What's that?""It's a demon that comes and has a headache at you. By Terry Pratchett Succubus Conjure Parrot Rincewind Demon

I bought it in a shop," said Twoflower defensively. "I said I wanted a traveling trunk." "That's what you got, all right," said Rincewind. "It's very loyal," said Twoflower. "Oh yes," agreed Rincewind. "If loyalty is what you look for in a suitcase. By Terry Pratchett Twoflower Rincewind Shop Defensively Bought

Twoflower was a tourist, the first ever seen on the discworld. Tourist, Rincewind had decided, meant 'idiot'. By Terry Pratchett Tourist Twoflower Discworld Rincewind Meant

He talks pretty big for a gutter wizard," he muttered."You don't understand at all," said the wizard wearily. "I'm so scared of you my spine has turned to jelly, it's just that I'm suffering from an overdose of terror right now. I mean, when I've got over that then I'll have time to be decently frightened of you. By Terry Pratchett Wizard Muttered Wearily Talks Pretty

He found that he had this sudden desperate longing for the fuming, smoky streets of Ankh-Morpork, which was always at its best in the spring, when the gummy sheen on the turbid waters of the Ankh River had a special iridescence and the eaves were full of birdsong, or at least birds coughing rhythmically By Terry Pratchett Ankh River Fuming Smoky Ankhmorpork

They say that it'll hit us on Hogswatchnight and the seas will boil and the countries of the Disc will be broken and kings will be brought down and the cities will be as lakes of glass,' said the man. 'I'm off to the mountains.' 'That'll help, will it?' said Rincewind doubtfully. 'No, but the view will be better. By Terry Pratchett Hogswatchnight Disc Glass Man Hit

No one's going to be interested in a war fought over a, a quite pleasant lady, moderately attractive in a good light. Are they?" Eric was nearly in tears. "But it said her face launched a thousand ships - " "That's what you call metaphor," said Rincewind. "Lying," the sergeant explained, kindly. By Terry Pratchett Lady Moderately Light Interested War

Picturesque meant - he decided after careful observation of the scenerey that inspired Twoflower to use the word - that the landscape was horribly precipitous. Quaint, when used to describe the occasional village through which they passed, meant fever-ridden and tumbledown. Twoflower was a tourist, the first ever seen on the discworld. Tourist, Rincewind had decided, mean 'idiot'. By Terry Pratchett Twoflower Picturesque Word Precipitous Meant

Multiple exclamation marks,' he went on, shaking his head, 'are a sure sign of a diseased mind. By Terry Pratchett Multiple Marks Shaking Head Mind

Every inch of skin removed to the accompaniment of exquisite pain," added the prisoner, helpfully. Rincewind paused. He thought he knew the meaning of the word "exquisite," and it didn't seem to belong anywhere near "pain. By Terry Pratchett Helpfully Added Prisoner Pain Inch

Of course, like all the informal inhabitants of the University the roaches were a little unusual, but there was something particularly unpleasant about the sound of billions of very small feet hitting the stones in perfect time.Rincewind stepped gingerly over the marching column. The Librarian jumped it.The Luggage, of course, followed them with a noise like someone tapdancing over a bag of crisps. By Terry Pratchett University Unusual Column Informal Inhabitants

That's what I've been saying, said Eric, with strained patience. Rincewind took another bite of the sandwich. He'd looked death in the face many times, or more precisely Death had looked him in the back of his rapidly retreating head many times, and suddenly the prospect of living forever didn't appeal. There were of course great questions he might learn the answer to, such as how life evolved and all the rest of it, but By Terry Pratchett Eric Patience Times Strained Death

RIGHT, he said, PESTILENCE, OPEN ANOTHER PACK OF CARDS. I'M GOING TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS IF IT KILLS ME, FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING OF COURSE. Rincewind grabbed Twoflower and pulled By Terry Pratchett Pestilence Open Cards Pack Figuratively

My name is immaterial,' she said.That's a pretty name,' said Rincewind. By Terry Pratchett Rincewind Immaterial Pretty

Rincewind wasn't used to people being pleased to see him. It was unnatural, and boded no good. These people were not only cheering, they were throwing flowers and hats. The hats were made out of stone, but the thought was there. By Terry Pratchett Rincewind Pleased People Hats Unnatural

Tell him - tell him he's very welcome. Tell him breakfast is - uh - one gold piece'. For a moment Broadman's face looked as though some vast internal struggle was going on, and then he added with a burst of generosity, 'I'll throw in yours, too.' 'Stranger,' said Rincewind levelly. 'If you stay here you will be knifed or poisoned by nightfall. But don't stop smiling, or so will I. By Terry Pratchett Stranger Broadman Piece Rincewind Generosity

Rincewind tried not to think of World Turtles mating. It wasn't completely easy. By Terry Pratchett World Turtles Rincewind Mating Easy

So we're surrounded by absolutely nothing," said Rincewind. "Total nothing." He hesitated. "There's a word for it," he said. "It's what you get when there's nothing left and everything's been used up." "Yes. I think it's called the bill," said Eric. Rincewind gave this some thought. It sounded about right. "Okay," he said. "The bill. That's where we are. Floating in absolute bill. Total, complete, rock-hard bill. By Terry Pratchett Bill Total Rincewind Surrounded Absolutely

That's what you people never understand," said Rincewind, wearily. "You think magic is just something you can pick up and use like a, a -""Parsnip?" said Nijel."Wine Bottle?" said the Seriph."Something like that," said Rincewind cautiously, but rallied somewhat and went on, "But the truth is, is -""Not like that?""More like a wine bottle?" said the Seriph hopefully."Magic uses people," said Rincewind hurriedly. "It affects you as much as you affect it, sort of thing. You can't mess around with magical things without it affecting you. I just thought I'd better warn you.""Like a wine bottle," said Creosote, "that -""- drinks you back," said Rincewind. By Terry Pratchett Rincewind Bottle Wine Wearily Magic

Everything around Rincewind was black. It wasn't simply an absence of colour. It was darkness that flatly denied any possibility that colour might ever have existed. By Terry Pratchett Rincewind Black Colour Existed Simply

There are eight levels of wizardry on the Disc; after sixteen years Rincewind has failed to achieve even level one. In fact it is considered opinion of some of his tutors that he is incapable even of achieving level zero, which most normal people are born at; to put it another way, it has been suggested that when Rincewind dies the average occult ability of the human race will actually go up by a fraction. By Terry Pratchett Disc Rincewind Level Wizardry Sixteen

[Rincewind] drew his sword and, with a smooth overarm throw, completely failed to hit the troll. By Terry Pratchett Rincewind Drew Throw Completely Troll

Rincewind agreed moodily. He tried to explain that magic had indeed once been wild and lawless, but had been tamed back in the mists of time by the Olden Ones, who had bound it to obey among other things the Law of Conservation of Reality; this demanded that the effort needed to achieve a goal should be the same regardless of the means used. In practical terms this meant that, say, creating the illusion of a glass of wine was relatively easy, since it involved merely the subtle shifting of light patterns. On the other hand, lifting a genuine wineglass a few feet in the air by sheer mental energy required several hours of systematic preparation if the wizard wished to prevent the simple principle of leverage flicking his brain out through his ears. By Terry Pratchett Rincewind Moodily Agreed Reality Olden

Rincewind could scream for mercy in nineteen languages, and just scream in another forty-four. By Terry Pratchett Rincewind Languages Fortyfour Scream Mercy

Rincewind rather enjoyed times like this. They convinced him that he wasn't mad because, if he was mad, that left no word at all to describe some of the people he met. By Terry Pratchett Rincewind Enjoyed Times Mad Met

At the Temple of the Seven-Handed Sek a hasty convocation of priests and ritual heart-transplant artisans agreed that the hundred-span-high statue of Sek was altogether too holy to be made into a magic picture, but a payment of two rhinu left them astoundedly agreeing that perhaps He wasn't as holy as all that.A prolonged session at the Whore Pits produced a number of colourful and instrutive pictures, a number of which Rincewind concealed about his person for detailed perusal in private. As the fumes cleared from his brain he began to speculate seriously as to how the iconograph worked. By Terry Pratchett Sek Number Holy Temple Whore

Rincewind tried shutting his eyes, but there were no eyelids to his imagination and it was staring widely By Terry Pratchett Rincewind Eyes Widely Shutting Eyelids

Dead?' said Rincewind. In the debating chamber of his mind a dozen emotions got to their feet and started shouting. Relief was in full spate when Shock cut in on a point of order and then Bewilderment, Terror and Loss started a fight which was ended only when Shame slunk in from next door to see what all the row was about. By Terry Pratchett Dead Rincewind Started Bewilderment Terror

Rincewind let his breath out in a long sigh. It hurried off to hide somewhere. By Terry Pratchett Rincewind Sigh Breath Long Hurried

But it'll kill him!""It could be worse," said Rincewind."What?""It could be us," Rincewind pointed out logically. By Terry Pratchett Rincewind Rincewind Worse Logically Kill

Coin reached out very slowly, and picked it up. Rincewind By Terry Pratchett Rincewind Coin Slowly Reached Picked

Still, he'd have to eat something and the dark brown goo that half filled the tin was the only available food in this vicinity that didn't have at least six legs. He didn't even think about eating mutton. You couldn't, when it was looking at you so pathetically. He poked the goo with the stick. It gripped the wood like glue. "Gerroff!" A blob eventually came loose. Rincewind tasted it, gingerly. It was just possible that if you mixed yeasty beer and vegetables together you'd get - No, what you got was salty-tasting beery brown gunk. Odd, though ... It was kind of horrible, but nevertheless Rincewind found himself having another taste. By Terry Pratchett Legs Eat Dark Half Filled

They had dined on horse meat, horse cheese, horse black pudding, horse d'oeuvres and a thin beer that Rincewind didn't want to speculate about. By Terry Pratchett Horse Rincewind Meat Cheese Pudding

You don't understand!" screamed the tourist, above the terrible noise of the wingbeats. "All my life I've wanted to see dragons!""From the inside?" shouted Rincewind. "Shut up and ride! By Terry Pratchett Understand Screamed Tourist Wingbeats Terrible

He'd always felt he had a right to exist as a wizard in the same way that you couldn't do proper maths without the number 0, which wasn't a number at all but, if it went away, would leave a lot of larger numbers looking bloody stupid. By Terry Pratchett Stupid Number Felt Exist Wizard

Don't you understand?" snarled Rincewind. "We are going over the Edge, godsdammit!""Can't we do anything about it?""No!""Then I can't see the sense in panicking," said Twoflower calmly. By Terry Pratchett Rincewind Understand Snarled Edge Godsdammit

We know all about you, Rincewind the magician. You are a man of great cunning and artifice. You laugh in the face of Death. Your affected air of craven cowardice does not fool me.It fooled Rincewind. By Terry Pratchett Magician Rincewind Death Artifice Man

That bit where that lad sprang backwards right across the room with them axes in his hands was impressive, though.""Yeah.""You didn't ought to have stuck your sword out like that, I thought.""He's learned an important lesson.""It won't do him much good now where he's gone. By Terry Pratchett Yeah Though Impressive Thought Lesson

Rincewind ignored this, because it was true. By Terry Pratchett Rincewind True

All the shops have been smashed open. There was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?""Yeah," said Rincewind. " ... Luters, I expect. By Terry Pratchett Yeah Open Rincewind Shops Smashed

Luck is my middle name," said Rincewind, indistinctly. "Mind you, my first name is Bad. By Terry Pratchett Indistinctly Rincewind Luck Mind Bad

Mission motto, sir," said Carrot cheerfully. "Morituri Nolumus Mori. Rincewind suggested it.""I imagine he did," said Lord Vetinari, observing the wizard coldly. "And would you care to give us a colloquial translation, Mr Rincewind?""Er ... " Rincewind hesitated, but there really was no escape. "Er ... roughly speaking, it means, 'We who are about to die don't want to', sir. By Terry Pratchett Carrot Sir Rincewind Mission Motto

Perhaps there is something in this reflected-sound-of-underground-spirits? It was a cumbersome phrase. Rincewind tried to get his tongue around the thick syllables that were the word in Twoflower's own language."Ecolirix?" he tried. "Ecro-gnothics? Echo-gnomics?"That would do. That sounded about right. By Terry Pratchett Ecolirix Ecrognothics Twoflower Phrase Echognomics

Death, although of course completely eyeless, watched Rincewind disappearing with what would, had His face possessed any mobility at all, have been a frown. Death, although exceptionally busy at all times, decided that He now had a hobby. There was something about the wizard that irked Him beyond measure. He didn't keep appointments, for one thing. By Terry Pratchett Death Rincewind Eyeless Watched Frown

He's got a box with a demon in it that draws pictures," said Rincewind shortly. "Do what the madman says and he will give you gold. By Terry Pratchett Rincewind Pictures Shortly Box Demon

Rincewind trudged back up the beach. "The trouble is," he said, "is that things never get better, they just stay the same, only more so. By Terry Pratchett Rincewind Beach Trudged Back Trouble

What is it?" hissed Conina. "It's just the Luggage," said Rincewind wearily. "Does it belong to you?" "Not really. Sort of." "Is it dangerous?" The Luggage shuffled around to stare at her again. "There's two schools of thought about that," said Rincewind. "There's some people who say it's dangerous, and others who say it's very dangerous. What do you think?" The Luggage raised its lid a fraction. By Terry Pratchett Conina Luggage Dangerous Rincewind Hissed

What is it?' asked Rincewind.'Oh, just the picture you took in the temple.'Rincewind looked in horror. There, bordered by a few glimpses of tentacle, was a huge, whorled, callused, potion-stained and unfocused thumb.'That's the story of my life,' he said wearily. By Terry Pratchett Rincewind Rincewind Whorled Callused Asked

Rincewind had been generally reckoned by his tutors to be a natural wizard in the same way that fish are natural mountaineers. By Terry Pratchett Rincewind Mountaineers Natural Generally Reckoned

It was octarine, the colour of magic. It was alive and glowing and vibrant and it was the undisputed pigment of the imagination, because wherever it appeared it was a sign that mere matter was a servant of the powers of the magical mind. It was enchantment itself.But Rincewind always thought it looked a sort of greenish-purple. By Terry Pratchett Octarine Magic Colour Rincewind Imagination

Then there's those wizards on it, who must all be gifted hydrophobes - " "You mean they hate water?" said Twoflower. "No, that wouldn't work," said Rincewind. "Hate is an attracting force, just like love. They really loathe it, the very idea of it revolts them. By Terry Pratchett Twoflower Hydrophobes Water Hate Rincewind

Don't worry," said Swires. "The old witch hasn't been seen for years. They say she was done up good and proper by a couple of young tearaways." "Kids of today," commented Rincewind. "I blame the parents," said Twoflower. By Terry Pratchett Swires Worry Kids Rincewind Twoflower

I expect everything will turn out all right in the end,' said Twoflower. Rincewind looked at him. remarks like that always threw him. 'Do you really believe that?' he said. 'I mean, really?''Well, things generally do work out satisfactorily, when you come to think about it.''If you think the total disruption of my life for the last year is satisfactory then you might be right. I've lost count of the times I've nearly been killed''Twenty-seven,' said Twoflower.'What?''Twenty-seven times,' said Twoflower helpfully. 'I worked it out. But you never actually have.''What? Worked it out?' said Rincewind, who was beginning to have the familiar feeling that the conversation had been mugged. By Terry Pratchett Twoflower End Expect Turn Twentyseven

I don't know what to do," he said. "No harm in that. I've never known what to do," said Rincewind with hollow cheerfulness. "Been completely at a loss my whole life." He hesitated. "I think it's called being human, or something. By Terry Pratchett Rincewind Cheerfulness Harm Life Hesitated

The future held its breath, waiting for Rincewind to walk away. He didn't do this for three reasons. One was alcohol. By Terry Pratchett Rincewind Breath Waiting Future Held

Yes, yes," said Bethan, sitting down glumly. "I know you don't. Rincewind, all the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?" "Yeah," said Rincewind, picking up a knife and testing its blade thoughtfully. "Luters, I expect. By Terry Pratchett Bethan Sitting Glumly Rincewind Yeah

Rincewind gave his fingers a long shocked stare, as one might regard a gun that has been hanging on the wall for decades and has suddenly gone off and perforated the cat. By Terry Pratchett Rincewind Stare Cat Gave Fingers

You totally ruined my life, you know that?' said Rincewind hotly. 'I could have really made it as a wizard if you hadn't decided to use me as a sort of portable spellbook. I can't remember any other spells, they're all too frightened to stay in the same head as you! By Terry Pratchett Life Totally Ruined Rincewind Hotly

Rincewind paused. In the deep canyons of his mind he thought he heard the distant rustle of ancient paper. By Terry Pratchett Rincewind Paused Paper Deep Canyons

Rincewind had always been happy to think of himself as a racist. The One Hundred Meters, the Mile, the Marathon he'd run them all. By Terry Pratchett Rincewind Racist Happy Meters Mile

Rincewind had been his assistant and his friend, and was a good man when it came to peeling a banana. He had also been uniquely good at running away from things. He was not, the Librarian considered, the type to be easily caught. There By Terry Pratchett Rincewind Friend Banana Good Assistant

Rincewind sighed. "Look," he said. "No self-respecting High Priest is going to go through all the business with the trumpets and the processions and the banners and everything, and then shove his knife into a daffodil and a couple of plums. You've got to face it, all this stuff about golden boughs and the cycles of nature and stuff just boils down to sex and violence, usually at the same time. By Terry Pratchett Rincewind Sighed Stuff High Priest

Rincewind stared, and knew that there were far worse things than Evil. All the demons in Hell would torture your very soul, but that was precisely because they valued souls very highly; evil would always try to steal the universe, but at least it considered the universe worth stealing. But the gray world behind those empty eyes would trample and destroy without even according its victims the dignity of hatred. It wouldn't even notice them. By Terry Pratchett Evil Rincewind Stared Knew Worse

The Tezuman priests have a sophisticated calendar and an advanced horology," quoted Rincewind."Ah," said Eric, "Good.""No," said Rincewind patiently. "It means time measurement.""Oh. By Terry Pratchett Good Rincewind Eric Tezuman Rincewind

Twoflower didn't just look at the world through rose-tinted spectacles, Rincewind knewhe looked at it through a rose-tinted brain, too, and heard it through rose-tinted ears. By Terry Pratchett Rincewind Rosetinted Twoflower Spectacles Brain

For the first time Rincewind saw the troll.It wasn't half so bad as he had imagined.Umm, said his imagination after a while.It wasn't that the troll was horrifying. Instead of the rotting, betentacled monstrosity he had been expecting Rincewind found himself looking at a rather squat but not particularly ugly old man who would quite easily have passed for normal on any city street, always provided that other people on the street were used to seeing old men who were apparently composed of water and very little else. It was as if the ocean had decided to create life without going through all that tedious business of evolution, and had simply formed a part of itself into a biped and sent it walking squishily up the beach.( ... ) How does he hold himself together, his mind screamed at him. Why doesn't he spill? By Terry Pratchett Rincewind Imaginedumm Horrifying Time Trollit

It is often said about desert environments that there is in fact a lot of nutritious food around, if only you know what to look for. Rincewind mused on this as he pulled a plate of chocolate-covered sponge cakes from their burrow. They had dried coconut flakes on them. He turned the plate cautiously. Well, you couldn't argue with it. He was finding food in the desert. In fact, he was even finding dessert in the desert. By Terry Pratchett Desert Environments Lot Nutritious Fact

You know what?' said Vimes aloud. 'This is going to be the world's first democratically killed dragon. One man, one stab.'Then you've got to stop them. You can't let them kill it!' said Lady Ramkin.Vimes blinked at her.Pardon?' he said.It's wounded!'Lady, that was the intention, wasn't it? Anyway, it's only stunned,' said Vimes.I mean you can't let them kill it like this,' said Lady Ramkin insistently. 'Poor thing!'What do you want to do, then?' demanded Vimes, his temper unravelling. 'Give it a strengthening dose of tar oil and a nice comfy basket in front of the stove?'It's butchery!'Suits me fine!'But it's a dragon! It's just doing what a dragon does! It never would have come here if people had left it alone!'Vimes thought: it was about to eat her, and she can still think like this. He hesitated. Perhaps that did give you the right to an opinion ... By Terry Pratchett Lady Vimes Dragon Kill Give

He always says that,' muttered Vimes as the two men hurried down the stairs. 'He knows I don't like being married to a duchess.''I thought you and Lady Sybil-''Oh, being married to Sybil is fine, fine,' said Vimes hurriedly. 'It's just the duchess bit I don't like. By Terry Pratchett Vimes Sybil Muttered Stairs Married

The other two entered the room. Vimes gave his men his usual look of resigned dismay."My squad," he mumbled."Fine body of men," said Lady Ramkin. "The good old rank and file, eh?""The rank, anyway," said Vimes. By Terry Pratchett Room Vimes Entered Fine Ramkin

I once absent-mindedly ordered Three Mile Island dressing in a restaurant and, with great presence of mind, they brought Thousand Island Dressing and a bottle of chili sauce. By Terry Pratchett Island Dressing Mile Thousand Mind

I would not like it thought that I do not buy my own paperclips, sir. I enjoy owning my own paperclips. It means they are mine. By Terry Pratchett Paperclips Sir Thought Buy Mine

And, while it was regarded as pretty good evidence of criminality to beliving in a slum, for some reason owning a whole street of them merely gotyou invited to the very best social occasions. By Terry Pratchett Slum Occasions Regarded Pretty Good

Nevertheless, it bothered Vimes, even though he'd got really good at the noises and would go up against any man in his rendition of the HRUUUGH! But is this a book for a city kid? When would he ever hear these noises? In the city, the only sound those animals would make was "sizzle." But the nursery was full of the conspiracy with bah-lambs and teddy bears and fluffy ducklings everywhere he looked.One evening, after a trying day, he'd tried the Vimes street version:Where's my daddy?Is that my daddy?He goes "Bugrit! Millennium hand and shrimp!"He is Foul Ol' Ron!No, that's not my daddy!It had been going really well when Vimes heard a meaningful little cough from the doorway, wherein stood Sybil. Next day, Young Sam, with a child's unerring instinct for this sort of thing, said "Buglit!" to Purity. And that, although Sybil never raised the subject even when they were alone, was that. From then on Sam stuck rigidly to the authorized version. By Terry Pratchett Hruuugh Vimes Daddy Noises Bothered

That is because you don't yet know how to deal with time," said Wen. "But I will teach you to deal with time as you would deal with a coat, to be worn when necessary and discarded when not.""Will I have to wash it?" said Clodpool.Wen gave him a long, slow look."That was either a very complex piece of thinking on your part, Clodpool, or you were just trying to overextend a metaphor in a rather stupid way. Which, do you think, it was?"Clodpool looked at his feet. Then he looked at the sky. Then he looked at Wen."I think I am stupid, master.""Good," said Wen. "It is fortuitous that you are my apprentice at this time, because if I can teach you, Clodpool, I can teach anyone. By Terry Pratchett Clodpool Deal Wen Time Looked

If you kept changing the way people saw the world, you ended up changing the way you saw yourself. By Terry Pratchett Changing World People Ended

He'd missed dogs. Dogs added something that even people didn't, and one of the dogs was sitting by his feet, here in the darkness and the gentle rain. It wasn't bothered much about the rain or what might be out there on the unseen sea, but Mau was a warm body moving about in a sleeping world and might at any moment do something that called for runnung around and barking. Occasionally it looked up at him adoringly and made a slobbery gulping noise which possibly meant "Anything you say, boss! By Terry Pratchett Dogs Missed Rain Mau Feet

His eyeless skull took in the line of costumes, the waxy debris of the makeup table. His empty nostrils snuffed up the mixed smells of mothballs, grease, and sweat. There was something here, he thought, that nearly belonged to the gods. Humans had built a world inside the world, which reflected it in pretty much the same way as a drop of water reflects the landscape. And yet... and yet... Inside this little world they had taken pains to put all the things you might think they would want to escape from - hatred, fear, tyranny, and so forth. Death was intrigued. They thought they wanted to be taken out of themselves, and every art humans dreamt up took them further in. By Terry Pratchett Costumes Table World Eyeless Skull

Humans had built a world inside the world, which reflected it in pretty much the same way as a drop of water reflected the landscape. And yet ... and yet ... Inside this little world they had taken pains to put all the things you might think they would want to escape from - hatred, fear, tyranny, and so forth. Death was intrigued. They thought they wanted to be taken out of themselves, and every art humans dreamt up took them further in. He was fascinated. By Terry Pratchett Reflected Landscape World Built Pretty

The Captain of the Watch says if you're still in the City by sunrise he will personally have you buried alive. By Terry Pratchett Captain Watch City Alive Sunrise

In my heart, I'm just a kid from the council houses. I can remember the old cottage and my dad coming round with the tin bath. I'm not a rich man. By Terry Pratchett Heart Houses Kid Council Bath

You're wondering whether I really would cut your throat," panted Magrat. "I don't know either. Think of the fun we could have together, finding out By Terry Pratchett Magrat Throat Panted Wondering Cut

I have seen galaxies die. I have watched atoms dance. But until I had the dark behind the eyes, I didn't know the death from the dance. By Terry Pratchett Die Dance Galaxies Watched Atoms

If you trust in yourself ... and believe in your dreams ... and follow your star ... you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy. By Terry Pratchett Dreams Star Trust Follow Lazy

Death's face became a little stiffer, if that were possible. The blue glow in his eye sockets flickered red for an instant. I SEE, he said. The tone suggested that death was too good for cat-haters. YOU LIKE GREAT BIG DOGS, I IMAGINE. By Terry Pratchett Stiffer Face Death Dogs Imagine

But why were there dryads at all? As far as he could recall, the tree people had died out centuries before. They had been out-evolved by humans, like most of the other Twilight Peoples. Only elves and trolls had survived the coming of Man to the discworld; the elves because they were altogether too clever by half, and the trollen folk because they were at least as good as humans at being nasty, spiteful and greedy. Dryads were supposed to have died out, along with gnomes and pixies. By Terry Pratchett Died Dryads Humans Elves Twilight

Give me away?" "Yes. Um. Sort of like, one free wizard with every concubine sold? Um." "I don't see what vegetables have got to do with it." Conina By Terry Pratchett Give Conina Sort Sold Free

Come on, lad," he said. "Let's go home. I'm not sure I'm that interested in music anymore. It's a world of hertz. By Terry Pratchett Lad Home Anymore Hertz Interested

In a city where public executions,duels, fights, magical feuds, and strange events regularly punctuated the daily round, the inhabitants had brought the profession of interested bystander to a peak of perfection. They were, to a man, highly skilled gawpers. By Terry Pratchett Fights Executionsduels Magical Feuds Round

I just managed to go around with one of the Great Spells in my head for years without going insane, didn't I?' He considered the last question form all angles.'Yes, you did,' he reassured himself. 'You didn't start talking to trees, even when trees started talking to you. By Terry Pratchett Great Spells Insane Managed Head

Behind her, Preston grunted and said, "I know it's not the right thing to say to a lady, miss, but you are sweating like a pig!"Tiffany, trying to get her shattered thoughts together, muttered, "My mother always said that horses sweat, men perspire, and ladies merely glow ... ""Is that so?" said Preston cheerfully."Well, miss, you are glowing like a pig! By Terry Pratchett Tiffany Miss Pig Muttered Preston

Anyone with half a mind could see that," said Tiffany.Miss Tick sighed. "Yes. But sometimes it's so hard to find half a mind when you need one. By Terry Pratchett Tick Sighed Half Mind Tiffanymiss

I never said nothing ... ""I know you never! I could hear you not saying anything! You've got the loudest silences I ever did hear from anyone who wasn't dead! By Terry Pratchett Hear Dead Loudest Silences

A good plan isn't one where someone wins, it's where nobody thinks they've lost. By Terry Pratchett Wins Lost Good Plan

Witches are naturally nosy," said Miss Tick, standing up. "Well, I must go. I hope we shall meet again. I will give you some free advice, though.""Will it cost me anything?""What? I just said it was free!" said Miss Tick."Yes, but my father said that free advice often turns out to be expensive," said Tiffany.Miss Tick sniffed. "You could say this advice is priceless," she said, "Are you listening?""Yes," said Tiffany."Good. Now ... if you trust in yourself ... ""Yes?"" ... and believe in your dreams ... ""Yes?"" ... and follow your star ... " Miss Tick went on."Yes?"" ... you'll still be beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy. Goodbye. By Terry Pratchett Miss Tick Free Witches Nosy

I was once a journalist. And I think of myself as a journalist, and that's it. You tell the truth. I even wrote a book called 'The Truth'. By Terry Pratchett Journalist Truth Called Wrote Book

The first words that are read by seekers of enlightenment in the secret, gong-banging, yeti-haunted valleys near the hub of the world, are when they look into The Life of Wen the Eternally Surprised.The first question they ask is: 'Why was he eternally surprised?'And they are told: 'Wen considered the nature of time and understood that the universe is, instant by instant, recreated anew. Therefore, he understood, there is in truth no past, only a memory of the past. Blink your eyes, and the world you see next did not exist when you closed them. Therefore, he said, the only appropriate state of the mind is surprise. The only appropriate state of the heart is joy. The sky you see now, you have never seen before. The perfect moment is now. Be glad of it.'The first words read by the young Lu-Tze when he sought perplexity in the dark, teeming, rain-soaked city of Ankh-Morpork were: 'Rooms For Rent, Very Reasonable.' And he was glad of it. By Terry Pratchett Wen Eternally Instant Life Understood

Wen considered the nature of time and understood that the universe is,instant by instant, re-created anew. Therefore, he understood, there is, in truth, no Past, onlya memory of the Past. Blink your eyes, and the world you see next did not exist when youclosed them. Therefore, he said, the only appropriate state of the mind is surprise. The onlyappropriate state of the heart is joy. The sky you see now, you have never seen before. Theperfect moment is now. Be glad of it. By Terry Pratchett Past Understood Wen Instant Recreated

I told her we were going to get married, and all she could talk about was frogs.She said there's these hills where it's hot and rains all the time, and in the rainforests there are these very tall trees and right in the top branches of the trees there are these like great big flowers called ... bromeliads, I think, and water gets into the flowers and makes little pools and there's a type of frog that lays eggs in the pools and tadpoles hatch and grow into new frogs and these little frogs live their whole lives in the flowers right at the top of the trees and don't even know about the ground, and once you know the world is full of things like that, your life is never the same. By Terry Pratchett Trees Flowers Top Married Time

The people of Lancre wouldn't dream of living in anything other than a monarchy. They'd done so for thousands of years and knew that it worked. But they'd also found that it didn't do to pay too much attention to what the King wanted, because there was bound to be another king along in forty years or so and he'd be certain to want something different and so they'd have gone to all that trouble for nothing. In the meantime, his job as they saw it was to mostly stay in the palace, practise the waving, have enough sense to face the right way on coins and let them get on with the ploughing, sowing, growing and harvesting. It was, as they saw it, a social contract. They did what they always did, and he let them. By Terry Pratchett Lancre Monarchy People Dream Living

Yes the minute we ask you." The suspect considered this. "But I wants to be a witch," she wailed. The male Them exchanged exhausted glances. This was out of their league. "If you just say no," said Pepper, "you can have my Sindy stable set. I've never ever used it," she added, glaring at the other Them and daring them to make a comment. "You have used it," snapped her sister, "I've seen it and it's all worn out and the bit where you put the hay is broke and - " Adam gave a magisterial cough. "Art thou a witch, viva espana?" he repeated. The sister took a look at Pepper's face, and decided not to chance it. "No," she decided. By Terry Pratchett Minute Pepper Witch Sister Decided

The Empire's got something worse than whips all right. It's got obedience. Whips in the soul. They obey anyone who tells them what to do. Freedom just means being told what to do by someone different. By Terry Pratchett Empire Worse Whips Obedience Soul

- "Surely you have considered terrorist activity?"There was another pause. Then the spokesman said, in the quiet tones of someone who has had enough and who is going to quit after this and raise chickens somewhere, "Yes, I suppose we must. All we need to do is find some terrorists who are capable of taking an entire nuclear reactor out of its can while it's running and without anyone noticing. It weighs about a thousand tons and is forty feet high. So they'll be quite strong terrorists. Perhaps you'd like to ring them up, sir, and ask them questions in that supercilious, accusatory way of yours." The BBC interviews a nuclear spokesperson (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens) By Terry Pratchett Surely Activity Pause Considered Terrorists

You have this thing you call . . . boredom? That is the rarest talent in the universe! We heard a song - it went "Twinkle twinkle little star. . . ." What power! What wondrous power! You can take a billion trillion tons of flaming matter, a furnace of unimaginable strength, and turn it into a little song for children! You build little worlds, little stories, little shells around your minds, and that keeps infinity at bay and allows you to wake up in the morning without screaming! Completely By Terry Pratchett Call Thing Twinkle Power Boredom

Do you know what it feels like to be aware of every star, every blade of grass? Yes. You do. You call it 'opening your eyes again.' But you do it for a moment. We have done it for eternity. No sleep, no rest, just endless ... endless experience, endless awareness. Of everything. All the time. How we envy you, envy you! Lucky humans, who can close your minds to the endless deeps of space! You have this thing you call ... boredom? That is the rarest talent in the universe! We heard a song - it went 'Twinkle twinkle little star ... ' What power! What wondrous power! You can take a billion trillion tons of flaming matter, a furnace of unimaginable strength, and turn it into a little song for children! You build little worlds, little stories, little shells around your minds, and that keeps infinity at bay and allows you to wake up in the morning without screaming! By Terry Pratchett Endless Grass Feels Aware Blade

I believe everyone should have a good death. You know, with your grandchildren around you, a bit of sobbing. Because after all, tears are appropriate on a death bed. And you say goodbye to your loved ones, making certain that one of them has been left behind to look after the shop. By Terry Pratchett Good Death Sobbing Tears Bed

Truth is female, since truth is beauty rather than handsomeness; this, Ridcully reflected as the council grumbled in, would certainly explain the saying that a lie could run around the world before Truth has got its, correction, her boots on, since she would have to choose which pair - the idea that any woman in a position to choose would have just one pair of boots being beyond rational belief.Indeed, as a goddess she would have lots of shoes, and thus many choices: comfy shoes for home truths, hobnail boots for unpleasant truths, simple clogs for universal truths and possibly some kind of slipper for self-evident truth.More important right now was what kind of truth he was going to have to impart to his colleagues, and he decided not on the whole truth, but instead on nothing but the truth, which dispensed with the need for honesty. By Terry Pratchett Truth Boots Truths Choose Kind

And some had been idiots as mad as Swing, with a view of the world just as rigid and unreal, who were on the side of what they called "The People." Vimes had spent his life on the streets and had met decent men, and fools, and people who'd steal a penny from a blind beggar, and people who performed silent miracles or desperate crimes every day behind the grubby windows of little houses, but he'd never met The People. By Terry Pratchett People Swing Unreal Called Idiots

Supposing there was justice for all, after all? For every unheeded beggar, every harsh word, every neglected duty, every slight ... every choice ... Because that was the point, wasn't it? You had to choose. You might be right, you might be wrong, but you had to choose, knowing that the rightness or wrongness might never be clear or even that you were deciding between two sorts of wrong, that there was no right anywhere. And always, always, you did it by yourself. You were the one there, on the edge, watching and listening. Never any tears, never any apology, never any regrets ... You saved all that up in a way that could be used when needed. By Terry Pratchett Supposing Justice Choose Wrong Beggar

Oh. I see. People don't want to see what can't possibly exist. By Terry Pratchett People Exist Possibly

Mort was already aware that love made you feel hot and cold and cruel and weak, but he hadn't realized that it could make you stupid. By Terry Pratchett Mort Weak Stupid Aware Love

The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord." Vetinari looked at his secretary in surprise. "Well, of course it is. It has to deal with the male one. By Terry Pratchett Lord Female Mind Devious Vetinari

you clever apes, smart enough to destroy everything around you, never smart enough to understand what it is you are losing in the process . . . By Terry Pratchett Smart Apes Process Clever Destroy

Note for Americans and other city-dwelling life-forms: the rural British, having eschewed central heating as being far too complicated and in any case weakening moral fiber, prefer a system of piling small pieces of wood and lumps of coal, topped by large, wet logs, possibly made of asbestos, into small, smoldering heaps, known as "There's nothing like a roaring open fire is there?" Since none of these ingredients are naturally inclined to burn, underneath all this they apply a small, rectangular, waxy white lump, which burns cheerfully until the weight of the fire puts it out. These little white blocks are called firelighters. No one knows why. By Terry Pratchett British Americans Small Note Lifeforms

There was no safety. There was no pride. All there was, was money. Everything became money, and money became everything. Money treated us as if we were things, and we died. By Terry Pratchett Money Safety Pride Things Died

No need to be like that, sir," said Groat levelly. "No need to be like that. You can't destroy the mails. You just can't do it, sir. That's Tampering With The Mail, sir. That's not just a crime, sir. That's a, a - " "Sin?" said Moist. "Oh, worse'n a sin," said Groat, almost sneering. "For sins you're only in trouble with a god, but in my day, if you interfered with the mail, you'd be up against Chief Postal Inspector Rumbelow. Hah! And there's a big difference. Gods forgive. By Terry Pratchett Sir Mail Groat Levelly Sin

Never promise to do the possible. Anyone could do the possible. You should promise to do the impossible, because sometimes the impossible was possible, if you could find the right way, and at least you could often extend the limits of the possible. And if you failed, well, it had been impossible. By Terry Pratchett Impossible Promise Failed Find Extend

You know how to pray, don't you? Just put your hands together and hope. By Terry Pratchett Pray Hope Put Hands

Mum had done everything you need to educate a kid. She made me a kid who likes books and she told me about 'Wind in the Willows' and read it and I thought this is weird, Rat, Mole, Toad and my first ever Bolshie thought - you know about 'The Wind in the Willows.' By Terry Pratchett Wind Mum Kid Rat Mole

His parents called him Youngster. They did this in the subconcious hope that he might take the hint. Wensleydale gave the impression of having been born with a mental age of 47. By Terry Pratchett Youngster Parents Called Hint Wensleydale

But a human mind is a great sullen lightning-filled cloud of thoughts, all of them occupying a finite amount of brain processing time. Finding whatever the owner thinks they're thinking in the middle of the smog of prejudices, memories, worries, hopes and fears is almost impossible. By Terry Pratchett Thoughts Time Human Mind Great

No swamp dragon could ever terrorise a kingdom, except by accident. Vimes wondered how many had been killed by enterprising heroes. It was terribly cruel to do something like that to creatures whose only crime was to blow themselves absent-mindedly to pieces in mid-air, which was not something any individual dragon made a habit of. A race of, of whittles, that's what dragons were. Born to lose. Live fast, die wide. By Terry Pratchett Kingdom Accident Swamp Terrorise Dragon

You got no soul, Cap'n," he said. "When a stranger comes into the city under the thrall of the dragon and challenges it with a glittery sword, weeell, there's only one outcome, ain't there? It's probably destiny. By Terry Pratchett Capn Soul Weeell Sword Outcome

We're dealing here," said Vimes, "With a twisted mind.""Oh, no! You think so?""Yes.""But ... no ... you can't be right. Because Nobby was with us all the time.""Not Nobby," said Vimes testily. "Whatever he might do to a dragon, I doubt if he'd make it explode. There's stranger people in this world than Corporal Nobbs, my lad."Carrot's expression slid into a rictus of intrigued horror."Gosh," he said. By Terry Pratchett Yes Vimes Mind Nobby Dealing

Have ye no good points?" said Wee Mad Arthur desperately. Rob Anybody looked puzzled. "We kind of thought them is our good points, but if you want to get picky, we never steal from them as has nae money, we has hearts of gold, although maybe - okay, mostly - somebody else's gold, and we did invent the deep-fried stoat. That must count for something." "How is that a good point?" said Arthur. "Weel, it saves some other poor devil having tae do it. It's what ye might call a taste explosion; ye take a mouthful, taste it, and then there is an explosion." Despite himself, Wee Mad Arthur was grinning. "Have you boys got no shame?" Rob Anybody matched him grin for grin. "I couldna say," he replied, "but if we have, it probably belonged tae somebody else. By Terry Pratchett Arthur Points Mad Good Wee

In defiance of Miss Maccalariat I'd like to commit hanky-panky with you, Miss Adora Belle Dearheart ... well, certainly hanky, and possibly panky when we get to know one another better. By Terry Pratchett Miss Dearheart Maccalariat Adora Belle

Arthur Church, who as I say took local journalism very seriously, wrote an eloquent defence of reporting even the nasty things. The gist of it was this, that it was in the public interest that the truth be known and known because it has been carefully reported and published. Without it, you are relying on the man in the pub, and rumour, possibly malicious rumour. If the local paper does for some reason get it wrong, then this would be known, and an apology and clarification would be made. This was not the best of all worlds, but better than the world of hearsay. By Terry Pratchett Church Arthur Wrote Things Journalism

Understand: there are other kinds." AND WOULD YOU SAY YOUR LIFE BENEFITED THE PEOPLE OF LANCRE AND ENVIRONS? After a minute the soul of Granny Weatherwax said, "Well, not boasting, your willingness, I think I have done right, for Lancre at least. I've never been to Environs." MISTRESS WEATHERWAX, THE WORD "ENVIRONS" MEANS, WELL, THEREABOUTS. "All right," said Granny. "I did get about, to be sure." A VERY GOOD LIFE LIVED INDEED, ESMERELDA. "Thank you," said Granny. "I did my best. By Terry Pratchett Environs Granny Understand Lancre Kinds

No," said his cousin. "I've had enough of this. Let's write to the newspapers! That's the way to get things done. Everyone's complaining about the fruit and vegetables and the seafood. Vetinari should be made to understand the plight of the small-time entrepreneur. After all, what do we occasionally pay our taxes for? By Terry Pratchett Cousin Newspapers Write Seafood Vetinari

After a while he got into the rhythm of it, and started playing the private little quantity-surveying game that everyone plays in these circumstances. Let's see, he thought, I've done nearly a quarter, let's call it a third, so when I've done that corner by the hayrack it'll be more than half, call it five-eighths, which means three more wheelbarrow loads. . . . It doesn't prove anything very much except that the awesome splendor of the universe is much easier to deal with if you think of it as a series of small chunks. The By Terry Pratchett Circumstances Call Rhythm Started Playing

The storm was resting. It didn't want to be, but it was. It had spent a fortnight understudying a famous anticyclone over the Circle Sea, turning up every day, hanging around in the cold front, grateful for a chance to uproot the occasional tree or whirl a farmhouse to any available emerald city of its choice. But the big break in the weather had never come. By Terry Pratchett Resting Storm Sea Circle Turning

She sat silently in her rocking chair. Some people are good at talking, but Granny Weatherwax was good at silence. She could sit so quiet and still that she faded. You forgot she was there. The room became empty.Tiffany thought of it as the I'm-not-here spell, if it was a spell. She reasoned that everyone had something inside them that told the world theywere there. That was why you could often sense when someone was behind you, even if they were making no sound at all. You were receiving their I-am-here signal.Some people had a very strong one. They were the people who got served first in shops. Granny Weatherwax had an I-am-here signal that bounced off the mountains when she wanted it to; when she walked into a forest, all the wolves and bears ran out the other side. She could turn it off, too. She was doing that now. Tiffany was having to concentrate to see her. Most of her mind was telling her that there was no one there at all. By Terry Pratchett Chair Good Weatherwax Sat Silently

Sometimes, Tiffany thought, I am so fed up with being young. By Terry Pratchett Tiffany Thought Young Fed

Leonardo had felt so too. "I got her bloody smile right in the roughs," he told Crowley, sipping cold wine in the lunchtime sun, "but it went all over the place when I painted it. Her husband had a few things to say about it when I delivered it, but, like I tell him, Signor del Giocondo, apart from you, who's going to see it? By Terry Pratchett Leonardo Felt Crowley Signor Giocondo

He took his hands off the oars and pulled in the mooring rope. If I make a couple of loops, he thought, I can strap the axe on to my back.He had a mental picture of what could happen to a man who plunged into the cauldron below a waterfall with a sharp piece of metal attached to his body.GOOD MORNING.Vimes blinked. A tall dark robed figure was now sitting in the boat.'Are you Death?'IT'S THE SCYTHE, ISN'T IT? PEOPLE ALWAYS NOTICE THE SCYTHE.'I'm going to die?'POSSIBLY.'Possibly? You turn up when people are possibly going to die?'OH, YES. IT'S QUITE THE NEW THING. IT'S BECAUSE OF THE UNCERTAINTY PRINCIPLE.'What's that?'I'M NOT SURE.'That's very helpful. By Terry Pratchett Rope Hands Oars Pulled Mooring

He wasn't sure he liked everything that was happening, but a lot of it was "cultural," apparently, and you couldn't object to that, so he didn't. "Cultural" sort of solved problems by explaining that they weren't really there. By Terry Pratchett Cultural Apparently Happening Lot Object

Is that all, sir? Only we've got stuff to finish before our knocking-off time, you see, and if we stay late we have to make more money to pay our overtime, and if the lads is a bit tired we ends up earning the money faster'n we can make it, which leads to a bit of what I can only call a conundrum - ""You mean that if you do overtime you have to do more overtime to pay for it?" said Moist, still pondering how illogical logical thinking can be if a big enough committee is doing it."That's right, sir," said Shady. "And down that road madness lies.""It's a very short road," said Moist, nodding. By Terry Pratchett Sir Moist Overtime Pay Bit

There was a tradition of soap-box public speaking in Sator Square. "Speaking" was stretching a point to cover the ranters, haranguers and occasional self-absorbed mumblers that spaced themselves at intervals amongst the crowds. And, traditionally, people said whatever was on their minds and at the top of their voices. The Patrician, it was said, looked kindly on the custom. He did. And very closely, too. He probably had someone make notes. By Terry Pratchett Square Sator Speaking Tradition Soapbox

It was all very well going on about pure logic and how the universe was ruled by logic and the harmony of numbers, but the plain fact of the matter was that the Disc was manifestly traversing space on the back of a giant turtle and the gods had a habit of going round to atheists' houses and smashing their windows. By Terry Pratchett Logic Disc Numbers Windows Pure

Oh God, I could be bounded in a nutshell - ' He continued, 'And count myself a king of infinite space - ' 'Were it not that I have bad dreams,' she whispered. He knew how she felt. It was the way he felt himself, sometimes, if he woke in the small hours, at three a.m., a time when the world seemed empty and stripped of comforting illusion. A time when you knew you were a mote, transient and fragile in a vast universe, a candle flame in an empty hall. Luckily the sun always came up, people stirred, and you got on with stuff that distracted you from the reality. The By Terry Pratchett God Nutshell Continued Space Dreams

It is well known that in an infinite universe everything that can be imagined must exist somewhere, and since many of them are not things that ought to exist in a well-ordered space-time frame they get shoved into a side dimension. This By Terry Pratchett Exist Dimension Infinite Universe Imagined

Words have power, you understand? It is in the nature of our universe. Our library itself distorts time and space on quite a grand scale. Well, when the Post Office started accumulating letters, it was storing words. In fact, what was being created was what we call a 'gevaisa', a tomb of living words. By Terry Pratchett Power Understand Words Post Office

The tortoise is a ground-living creature. It is impossible to live nearer the ground without being under it. Its horizons are a few inches away. It has about as good a turn of speed as you need to hunt down a lettuce. It has survived while the rest of evolution flowed past it by being, on the whole, no threat to anyone and too much trouble to eat. By Terry Pratchett Creature Tortoise Groundliving Impossible Live

Oh, a very useful philosophical animal, your average tortoise. Outrunning metaphorical arrows, beating hares in races ... very handy. By Terry Pratchett Animal Tortoise Philosophical Average Outrunning

An upturned tortoise is the ninth most pathetic thing in the entire multiverse. By Terry Pratchett Multiverse Upturned Tortoise Ninth Pathetic

I will endeavor to clarify my statement," said the Thing. A few lights flashed."Jolly good," said Masklin."Big-fella Store him go Bang along plenty soon enough chop-chop?" said the Thing, hopefully.The nomes watched one another's faces. There didn't seem to be any light dawning. The Thing cleared it's throat again. "Do you know the meaning of the word 'destroyed'?" it said."Oh, yes," said Dorcas."That's what is going to happen to the Store. In twenty-one days. By Terry Pratchett Thing Statement Store Endeavor Clarify

You are in favour of the common people?" said Dragon mildly.The common people?" said Vimes. "They're nothing special. They're no different from the rich and powerful except they've got no money or power. But the law should be there to balance things up a bit. So I suppose I've got to be on their side. By Terry Pratchett People Vimes Dragon Common Favour

The footprints go this way," said Cuddy, "and then they return. But the ones coming back aren't so deep as the ones going. You can see they're later ones because they're over the top of the other ones. So he was heavier than he was coming back, yes?""Right," said Detritus. "So that means ... ?""He lose weight? By Terry Pratchett Cuddy Return Footprints Coming Back

But I thought she thought he was just a big pile of jobbies?" he said. "I seen her oout walkin', an' when he comes ridin' past, she sticks her nose in th' air and looks the other wa'. In fact, sometimes I seen her wait aroound a full five-and-twenty minutes for him tae come past, just so's she can do that. By Terry Pratchett Thought Jobbies Past Big Pile

And then there were cats, thought Dog. He'd surprised the huge ginger cat from next door and had attempted to reduce it to cowering jelly by means of the usual glowing stare and deep-throated growl, which had always worked on the damned in the past. This time they had earned him a whack on the nose that had made his eyes water. Cats, Dog considered, were clearly a lot tougher than lost souls. He was looking forward to a further cat experiment, which he planned would consist of jumping around and yapping excitedly at it. It was a long shot, but it just might work. By Terry Pratchett Dog Thought Cats Cat Growl

This is Holy Wood. To pass the time quickly, you just film the clock hands moving fast ... By Terry Pratchett Wood Holy Quickly Fast Pass

Would you accept "slackers by hand and brain"?' said Ridcully, always happy to see how far he could go. 'Slackers by hand and brain by statute,' said the Senior Wrangler primly. Ridcully gave up. He could do this all day, but life couldn't be all fun. By Terry Pratchett Slackers Accept Hand Brain Ridcully

Victor eyed the glistening tubes in the tray around Dibbler's neck. They smelled appetizing. They always did. And then you bit into them, and learned once again that Cut-me-own-Throat Dibbler could find a use for bits of an animal that the animal didn't know it had got. Dibbler had worked out that with enough fried onions and mustard people would eat anything. By Terry Pratchett Dibbler Victor Neck Eyed Glistening

Then he kept to the back streets, and found a place that did a very reasonable double sausage, egg, bacon and fried slice, in the hope that food could replace sleep. By Terry Pratchett Egg Streets Sausage Bacon Slice

They don't go in for the fancy or exotic, but stick to conventional food like flightless bird embryos, minced organs in intestine skins, slices of hog flesh and burnt ground grass seeds dipped in animal fats; or, as it is known in their patois, egg, sausage, bacon and a fried slice of toast. By Terry Pratchett Egg Sausage Exotic Embryos Minced

They always gives me bath salts," complained Nobby. "And bath soap and bubble bath and herbal bath lumps and tons of bath stuff and I can't think why, 'cos it's not as if I hardly ever has a bath. You'd think they'd take the hint, wouldn't you? By Terry Pratchett Nobby Bath Salts Complained Cos

And then Jack chopped down what was the world's last beanstalk, adding murder and ecological terrorism to the theft, enticement, and trespass charges already mentioned, and all the giant's children didn't have a daddy anymore. But he got away with it and lived happily ever after, without so much as a guilty twinge about what he had done ... which proves that you can be excused for just about anything if you are a hero, because no one asks inconvenient questions. By Terry Pratchett Jack Enticement Beanstalk Adding Theft

That's why it's always worth having a few philosophers around the place. One minute it's all is truth beauty and is beauty truth, and does a falling tree in the forest make a sound if there's no one there to hear it, and then just when you think they're going to start dribbling one of 'em says, incidentally, putting a thirty-foot parabolic reflector on a high place to shoot the rays of the sun at an enemy's ships would be a very interesting demonstration of optical principles. By Terry Pratchett Place Worth Philosophers Truth Beauty

Is that him?" said Sister Mary, staring at the baby. "Only I'd expected funny eyes. Red, or green. Or teensy-weensy little hoofikins. Or a widdle tail." She turned him around as she spoke. No horns either. The Devil's child looked ominously normal. "Yes, that's him," said Crowley. "Fancy me holding the Antichrist," said Sister Mary. "And bathing the Antichrist. And counting his little toesy-wosies ... By Terry Pratchett Mary Staring Baby Sister Antichrist

The death of the warrior or the old man or the little child, this I understand, and I take away the pain and end the suffering. I do not understand this death-of-the-mind. By Terry Pratchett Child Suffering Understand Death Warrior

A witch couldn't help being some kind of expert as to the ways people came into the world; by the time she was twelve, the older witches had trusted her to go out to a birth by herself. Besides, she had helped lambs to be born, even when she was quite small. It came naturally, as Nanny Ogg said, although not as naturally as you might think. She remembered Mr. and Mrs. Hamper, quite a decent couple who had three children in a row before they worked out what was causing it. By Terry Pratchett World Twelve Witch Kind Expert

It would be a very accurate historian who could pinpoint the precise day when the Japanese changed from being fiendish automatons who copied everything from the West, to becoming skilled and cunning engineers who would leave the West standing. But the Wasabi had been designed on that one confused day, and combined the traditional bad points of most Western cars with a host of innovative disasters the avoidance of which had made firms like Honda and Toyota what they were today. Newt By Terry Pratchett West Japanese Standing Day Accurate

It was raining in the small, mountainous country of Llamedos. It was always raining in Llamedos. Rain was the country's main export. It had rain mines. By Terry Pratchett Llamedos Small Mountainous Raining Country

You are very clever," said the old man shyly. "I would like to eat your brains, one day."For some reason the books of etiquette that Daphne's grandmother had forced on her didn't quite deal with this. Of course, silly people would say to babies, "You're so sweet I could gobble you all up!" but that sort of nonsense seemed less funny when it was said by a man in war paint who owned more than one skull. Daphne, cursed with good manners, settled for "It's very kind of you to say so. By Terry Pratchett Clever Shyly Daphne Man Brains

They put it like that?' said Glenda, wide-eyed.'Oh, you know the sort of thing if you read the papers a lot,' said Ponder. 'I seriously think they think that it is their job to calm people down by first of all explaining why they should be overexcited and very worried. By Terry Pratchett Put Glenda Ponder Lot Worried

That's a nice song,' said young Sam, and Vimes remembered that he was hearing it for the first time. It's an old soldiers' song,' he said. Really, sarge? But it's about angels.' Yes, thought Vimes, and it's amazing what bits those angels cause to rise up as the song progresses. It's a real soldiers' song: sentimental, with dirty bits. As I recall, they used to sing it after battles,' he said. 'I've seen old men cry when they sing it,' he added. Why? It sounds cheerful.' They were remembering who they were not singing it with, thought Vimes. You'll learn. I know you will. By Terry Pratchett Sam Vimes Song Time Nice

It was a stamp. It was a yellowy-green color. It showed - Moist peered - a field of cabbages, with some buildings on the horizon. He sniffed. It smelled of cabbages. Oh, yes. "Printed with cabbage ink and using gum made from broccoli, sir," said Stanley, full of pride. "'A Salute to the Cabbage Industry of the Sto Plains,' sir. I think it might do very well. Cabbages are so popular, sir. You can make so many things out of them!" "Well, I can see that - " "There's cabbage soup, cabbage beer, cabbage fudge, cabbage cake, cream of cabbage - " "Yes, Stanley, I think you - " " - pickled cabbage, cabbage jelly, cabbage salad, boiled cabbage, deep-fried cabbage - " "Yes, but now can - " " - fricassee of cabbage, cabbage chutney, cabbage Surprise, sausages - " "Sausages?" "Filled with cabbage, sir. You can make practically anything with cabbage, sir. Then there's - " "Cabbage stamps," said Moist terminally. By Terry Pratchett Cabbage Sir Cabbages Stanley Moist

(About sweeping) ... What he was in FACT doing was moving the dirt around with a broom, to give it a change of scenery and a chance to make new friends. By Terry Pratchett Sweeping Fact Broom Friends Moving

Any sensible ruler would have killed off Leonard, and Lord Vetinari was extremely sensible and often wondered why he had not done so. He'd decided that it was because, imprisoned in the priceless, inquiring amber of Leonard's massive mind, underneath that bright investigative genius was a kind of willful innocence that might in lesser men be called stupidity. It was the seat and soul of that force which, down the millennia, had caused mankind to stick its fingers in the electric light socket of the Universe and play with the switch to see what happened - and then be very surprised when it did. By Terry Pratchett Lord Vetinari Leonard Ruler Killed

Read with the mind-set of a carpenter looking at trees. By Terry Pratchett Read Trees Mindset Carpenter

The reason that the rich were so rich, Vimes reasoned, was because they managed to spend less money.Take boots, for example. He earned thirty-eight dollars a month plus allowances. A really good pair of leather boots cost fifty dollars. But an affordable pair of boots, which were sort of OK for a season or two and then leaked like hell when the cardboard gave out, cost about ten dollars. Those were the kind of boots Vimes always bought, and wore until the soles were so thin that he could tell where he was in Ankh-Morpork on a foggy night by the feel of the cobbles.But the thing was that good boots lasted for years and years. A man who could afford fifty dollars had a pair of boots that'd still be keeping his feet dry in ten years' time, while the poor man who could only afford cheap boots would have spent a hundred dollars on boots in the same time and would still have wet feet.This was the Captain Samuel Vimes 'Boots' theory of socioeconomic unfairness. By Terry Pratchett Boots Rich Dollars Vimes Pair

Seven hundred thousand people who have dementia in this country are not heard. I'm fortunate; I can be heard. Regrettably, it's amazing how people listen if you stand up in public and give away $1 million for research into the disease, as I have done. By Terry Pratchett Heard Hundred Thousand Dementia Country

It is true that words have power, and one of the things they are able to do is get out of someone's mouth before the speaker has the chance to stop them. By Terry Pratchett Power True Words Things Mouth

Words have always had the power to change the world. By Terry Pratchett Words World Power Change

Incidentally, it's best not to argue with the nursing staff. I find the best course of action is to throw some chocolates in one direction and hurry off in the other while their attention is distracted. By Terry Pratchett Incidentally Staff Argue Nursing Distracted

He wanted to say: how could you be so nice and yet so dumb? The best thing you could do with the peasents was to leave them alone. Let them get on with it. When people who can read and write start fighting for those who can't, you just end up with another kind of stupidity. If you want to help them, build a big library or something somewhere and leave the door open. By Terry Pratchett Dumb Wanted Nice Leave Thing

It was a dog. Or several dogs rolled, as it were, into one. There were four legs, and they were nearly all the same length although not, Agnes noted, all the same color. There was one head, although the left ear was black and pointed while the right ear was brown and white and flopped. It was a very enthusiastic animal in the department of slobber. "Thith ith Thcrapth," said Igor, fighting to get to his feet in a hail of excited paws. "He'th a thilly old thing." "Scraps ... yes," said Nanny. "Good name. Good name." "He'th theventy-eight yearth old," said Igor, leading the way down a winding staircase. "Thome of him. By Terry Pratchett Igor Heth Good Ear Agnes

The trouble with gods is that after enough people start believing in them, they begin to exist. And what begins to exist isn't what was originally intended. By Terry Pratchett Exist Trouble Gods People Start

And the people next door oppress me all night long. I tell them, I work all day, a man's got to have some time to learn to play the tuba. That's oppression, that is. If I'm not under the heel of the oppressor, I don't know who is. By Terry Pratchett Long People Door Oppress Night

And Tiffany knew that if a witch started thinking of anyone as "just" anything, that would be the first step on a well-worn path that could lead to, oh, to poisoned apples, spinning wheels, and a too-small stove ... and to pain, and terror, and horror and the darkness. By Terry Pratchett Tiffany Apples Spinning Wheels Stove

I let you sleep, Sam," said Lady Sybil. "You didn't get in this morning until after three.""Everyone's double-shifting, dear," said Sam, daring Carrot and Sally to even think about telling anyone they'd seen the boss wearing a blue shawl covered in ducks. "I've got to set a good example.""I'm sure you intend to, Sam, but you look like a horrible warning," said Sybil. By Terry Pratchett Sam Lady Sybil Sleep Carrot

Sam Vimes, I've dreamed of visiting Koom Valley all my life, so don't you think for one moment you're gallivanting off to see it and leave me at home!" "I don't gallivant! I've never gallivanted. I don't know how to vant! I don't even have a galli! But there's going to be a war there soon!" "Then I shall tell them we're not involved!" said Sybil calmly. "That won't work!" "Then it won't work in Ankh-Morpork, either," said Sybil, By Terry Pratchett Vimes Koom Valley Sam Life

There was an apology from the ax-wielding Hermione, but according to her mother she was detained in the woods dealing with a very large and troublesome Pinus, which caused Vimes's face to go blank until Sybil nudged him and pointed out that the pinus strobus was the official name for the white pine. But By Terry Pratchett Pinus Hermione Vimes Sybil Pine

Sybil's female forebears had valiantly backed up their husbands as distant embassies were besieged, had given birth on a camel or in the shade of a stricken elephant, had handed around the little gold chocolates while trolls were trying to break into the compound, or had merely stayed at home and nursed such bits of husbands and sons as made it back from endless little wars. The result was a species of woman who, when duty called, turned into solid steel. By Terry Pratchett Husbands Sybil Besieged Elephant Compound

And, incidentally, tomato ketchup is not a vegetable." Sybil added. "Not even the dried stuff around the top of the bottle. By Terry Pratchett Incidentally Tomato Vegetable Ketchup Sybil

Sybil entered, with a plate."You're not eating enough, Sam," she announced. "And the canteen here is a disgrace. It's all grease and garbage!""That's what the men like, I'm afraid," said Vimes guiltily."I've cleaned out the tar in the tea urn, at least," Sybil went on, with satisfaction."You cleaned out the tar urn?" said Vimes in a hollow voice. It was like being told that someone had wiped the patina off a fine old work of art."Yes, it was like tar in there. There really wasn't much proper food in the store, but I managed to make you a bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich.""Thank you, dear." Vimes cautiously lifted a corner of the bread with his broken pencil. There seemed to be too much lettuce, which is to say, there was some lettuce. By Terry Pratchett Sam Sybil Vimes Tar Lettuce

Silk stockings. With garters. Well, they were out. There were a lot of things he'd do for Sybil, but if garters figured anywhere in the relationship they weren't going to be on him. By Terry Pratchett Silk Stockings Garters Sybil Lot

He had a notebook. He took notes in it. It was always useful. And them Sybil, gods bless her, had brought him this fifteen-function imp which did so many other things, although as far as he could see at least ten of its functions consisted of apologizing for its inefficiency in the other five. By Terry Pratchett Notebook Sybil Notes Gods Things

And then you rushed off afterward because of that business with the barber in Gleam Street." "Sweeney Jones," said Vimes. "Well, he was killing people, Sybil. The best you could say is that he didn't mean to. He was just very bad at shaving - By Terry Pratchett Street Gleam Sybil Rushed Afterward

Where do you think they've gone?' he said.'Where what?' said Lady Ramkin, temporarily halted.'The dragons. You know. Errol and his wi - female.''Oh, somewhere isolated and rocky, I should imagine,' said Lady Ramkin. 'Favourite country for dragons.''But it - she's a magical animal,' said Vimes. 'What'll happen when the magic goes away?'Lady Ramkin gave him a shy smile.'Most people seem to manage,' she said.She reached across the table and touched his hand. By Terry Pratchett Lady Ramkin Favourite Vimes Said

The dwarfs were staring at Lady Sybil as she changed up through the gears into full, operatic voice. For an amateur soprano she had an impressive delivery and range, a touch too wobbly for the professional stage but exactly the kind of high coloratura to impress the dwarfs. Snow By Terry Pratchett Lady Sybil Dwarfs Full Operatic

There was no point in arguing with Sybil, because even if you thought that you'd won, it would turn out, by some magic unavailable to husbands, that you had, in fact, been totally misinformed. By Terry Pratchett Sybil Won Husbands Fact Misinformed

Nutt was technically an expert on love poetry throughout the ages and had discussed it at length with Miss Healstether, the castle librarian. He had also tried to discuss it with Ladyship, but she had laughed and said it was frivolity, although quite helpful as a tutorial on the use of vocabulary, scansion, rhythm and affect as a means to an end, to wit getting a young lady to take all her clothes off. At that particular point, Nutt had not really understood what she meant. It sounded like some sort of conjuring trick. By Terry Pratchett Healstether Miss Nutt Librarian Technically

it seemed to Igor that trouble hit Mr. Lipwig like a big wave hitting a flotilla of ducks. Afterward, there was no wave but there was still a lot of duck. "It By Terry Pratchett Igor Lipwig Ducks Duck Wave

A push-and-go wooden duck on wheels can cause quite a lot of damage if wielded with enough force. By Terry Pratchett Wooden Force Duck Wheels Lot

What do you call those things at the bottom of rivers? Frogs? Stones? Unsuccessful gangsters? By Terry Pratchett Frogs Rivers Stones Call Things

The Necrotelicomnicon was written by a Klatchian necromancer known to the world as Achmed the Mad, although he preferred to be called Achmed the I Just Get These Headaches. It is said that the book was written in one day after Achmed drank too much of the strange thick Klatchian coffee which doesn't just sober you up, but takes you through sobriety and out the other side, so that you glimpse the real universe beyond the clouds of warm self-delusion that sapient life usually generates around itself to stop it turning into a nutcake. Little is known about his life prior to this event, because the page headed 'About The Author' spontaneously combusted shortly after his death. However, a section headed 'Other Books By the Same Author' indicates that his previous published work was Achmed the I Just Get These Headaches's Book of Humorous Cat Stories, which might explain a lot. By Terry Pratchett Achmed Klatchian Mad Necrotelicomnicon Headaches

Of course, to be fair, that was a parent's job. The world was so full of sharp bends that if they didn't put a few twists in you, you wouldn't stand a chance of fitting in. By Terry Pratchett Fair Job Parent World Full

When Geoffrey was away, the goat often took himself off. He had soon got the goats at Granny's cottage doing his bidding, and Nanny Ogg said once that she had seen what she called 'that devil goat' sitting in the middle of a circle of feral goats up in the hills. She named him 'The Mince of Darkness' because of his small and twinkling hooves, and added, 'Not that I don't like him, stinky as he is. I've always been one for the horns, as you might say. Goats is clever. Sheep ain't. No offence, my dear. By Terry Pratchett Geoffrey Goats Goat Granny Nanny

All libraries, everywhere, are connected by the bookworm holes in space created by the strong space-time distortions found around any large collections of books. Only a very few librarians learn the secret, and there are inflexible rules about making use of the fact. Because it amounts to time travel, and time travel causes big problems. By Terry Pratchett Libraries Books Connected Bookworm Holes

The only superstition I have is that I must start a new book on the same day that I finish the last one, even if it's just a few notes in a file. I dread not having work in progress. By Terry Pratchett File Superstition Start Book Day

Heinrich had a reputation locally for cunning, but Ankh-Morpork had overtaken cunning a thousand years ago, had sped past devious, had left artful far behind, and had now, by a roundabout route, arrived at straightforward. By Terry Pratchett Cunning Heinrich Ago Devious Route

No' on this raid, Wullie. A'm staying here. I have every confidence that ye'll be a fiiinne leader on this raid an' not totally mess it up like ye did the last seventeen times! By Terry Pratchett Wullie Raid Times Staying Confidence

Now, there is a tendency at a point like this to look over one's shoulder at the cover artist and start going on at length about leather, tightboots and naked blades.Words like 'full', 'round' and even 'pert' creep into the narrative, until the writer has to go and have a cold shower and a lie down.Which is all rather silly, because any woman setting out to make a living by the sword isn't about to go around looking like something off the cover of the more advanced kind of lingerie catalogue for the specialized buyer.Oh well, all right. The point that must be made is that although Herrena the Henna-Haired Harridan would look quite stunning after a good bath, a heavy-duty manicure, and the pick of the leather racks in Woo Hun Ling's Oriental Exotica and Martial Aids on Heroes Street, she was currently quite sensibly dressed in light chain mail, soft boots, and a short sword.All right, maybe the boots were leather. But not black. By Terry Pratchett Cover Leather Point Full Round

Samuel Vimes dreamed about Clues. He had a jaundiced view of Clues. He instinctively distrusted them. They got in the way. And he distrusted the kind of person who'd take one look at another man and say in a lordly voice to his companion, "Ah, my dear sir, I can tell you nothing except that he is a left-handed stonemason who has spent some years in the merchant navy and has recently fallen on hard times," and then unroll a lot of supercilious commentary about calluses and stance and the state of a man's boots, when exactly the same comments could apply to a man who was wearing his old clothes because he'd been doing a spot of home bricklaying for a new barbecue pit, and had been tattooed once when he was drunk and seventeen* and in fact got seasick on a wet pavement. What arrogance! What an insult to the rich and chaotic variety of the human experience! By Terry Pratchett Clues Vimes Samuel Man Dreamed

Death grinned. In order to fear, you had to be a me. Don't let anything happen to me. That was the song of fear. By Terry Pratchett Death Grinned Fear Order Happen

I'm not going to ride on a magic carpet!" he hissed. "I'm afraid of grounds!" "You mean heights," said Conina. "And stop being silly." "I know what I mean! It's the grounds that kill you!" The By Terry Pratchett Carpet Hissed Ride Magic Conina

And this is because people are riddled by Doubt. It is the engine that drives them through their lives. It is the elastic band in the little model aeroplane of their soul, and they spend their time winding it up until it knots. Early morning is the worst time - there's that little moment of panic in case You have drifted away in the night and something else has moved in. By Terry Pratchett Doubt People Riddled Time Lives

You'd better tell me what you know, toad," said Tiffany. "Miss Tick isn't here. I am.""Another world is colliding with this one," said the toad. "There. Happy now? That's what Miss Tick thinks. But it's happening faster than she expected. All the monsters are coming back.""Why?""There's no one to stop them."There was silence for a moment."There's me," said Tiffany. By Terry Pratchett Tiffany Toad Miss Tick Happy

I think what drove me away from being a reporter was an inability to accept that the world came in neat stories. Every story you have to report is just part of something bigger. The news isn't what happened last night - it's some cumulative thing that's happened over centuries. I found it hard to think of one event and drag it out of a bubbling pot and present it as the story that explains it all. By Terry Pratchett Stories Drove Reporter Inability Accept

If you took the world away and just left the elctricity, it would look like the most exquisite filigree ever made - a ball of twinkling silver lines with the occasional coruscating spike of a satellite beam. Even the dark areas would glow with radar and commercial radio waves. It could be the nervous system of a great beast. By Terry Pratchett Elctricity Made Beam World Left

Don't tell me from genetics. What've they got to do with it?" said Crowley. "Look at Satan. Created as an angel, grows up to be the Great Adversary. Hey, if you're going to go on about genetics, you might as well say the kid will grow up to be an angel. After all, his father was really big in Heaven in the old days. Saying he'll grow up to be a demon just because his dad _became_ one is like saying a mouse with its tail cut off will give birth to tailless mice. No. Upbringing is everything. Take it from me. By Terry Pratchett Genetics Angel Crowley Grow Satan

It sucks all the life right out of you, civilisation.""It killed Old Vincent the Ripper," said Boy Willie. "He choked to death on a concubine."There was no sound but the hiss of snow in the fire and a number of people thinking fast."I think you mean cucumber," said the bard."That's right, cucumber," said Boy Willie. "I've never been good at them long words.""Very important difference in a salad situation." said Cohen. By Terry Pratchett Willie Boy Ripper Vincent Civilisation

He said that there was death and taxes, and taxes was worse, because at least death didn't happen to you every year. By Terry Pratchett Taxes Worse Year Death Happen

I am death, not taxes. I turn up only once. By Terry Pratchett Death Taxes Turn

Yes, sergeant. Without a fight. This man can make water run uphill and he has a commander. I love the idea of giving in without a fight. I've fought for ten years and giving in without a fight is what I've always wanted to do." Water By Terry Pratchett Sergeant Fight Giving Water Commander

They wore their hair long like a poet who hopes that romantically flowing locks will make up for a wretched inability to find a rhyme for daffodil. By Terry Pratchett Daffodil Wore Hair Long Poet

Some of my best sources are ex-policemen, just to get a feeling of what it's like to be one. And it's quite different from being a civilian - except, of course, that I believe that policemen are just special sorts of civilians. Things like how hard it is to hold someone that doesn't want to be held. This is the kind of thing that is worth knowing. By Terry Pratchett Expolicemen Sources Feeling Civilian Civilians

There was a hell for blasphemers. There was a hell for disputers of rightful authority. There were a number of hells for liars. There was probably a hell for little boys who wished their grandmothers were dead. There were more than enough hells to go around. By Terry Pratchett Hell Blasphemers Hells Authority Disputers

It wasn't a city, it was a process, a weight on the world that distorted the land for hundreds of miles around. People who'd never see it in their whole life nevertheless spent that life working for it. Thousands and thousands of green acres were part of it, forests were part of it. It drew in and consumed ... ... and gave back the dung from its pens, and the soot from its chimneys, and steel, and saucepans, and all the tools by which its food was made. And also clothes, and fashions, and ideas, and interesting vices, songs, and knowledge, and something which, if looked at in the right light, was called civilization. That was what civilization meant. It meant the city. By Terry Pratchett Process Weight World Distorted Land

It's not all peeling grapes, being a handmaiden," said Ptraci. "The first lesson we learn is, when the master has had a long hard day it is not the best time to suggest the Congress of the Fox and the Persimmon. Who says you have to do anything? By Terry Pratchett Ptraci Grapes Handmaiden Peeling Persimmon

So he said to young Sam: if you lose your cow you should report this to the Watch under Demonic & Farmyard Animals (Lost) Act of 1804. They will swing into action with keenness and speed. Your cow will be found. If it has been impersonating other animals, it may be arrested. If you are a stupid person, do not look for your cow yourself. Never try to milk a chicken. It hardly ever works. By Terry Pratchett Lost Sam Demonic Farmyard Act

And then it arose and struck Vimes that, in her own special category, she was quite beautiful; this was the category of all the women, in his entire life, who had ever thought he was worth smiling at. She couldn't do worse, but then, he couldn't do better. So maybe it balanced out. She wasn't getting any younger but then, who was? And she had style and money and common-sense and self-assurance and all the things that he didn't, and she had opened her heart, and if you let her she could engulf you; the woman was a city. By Terry Pratchett Category Vimes Beautiful Women Life

Liessa comes to see me sometimes. She still comes to see her old dad, my little girl. She was the only one with the strength of character to murder me. A chip off the old block. By Terry Pratchett Liessa Dad Girl Block Strength

ow do I know I can trust you?' said the urchin. 'I don't know,' said Ridcully. 'The subtle workings of the brain are a mystery to me, too. But I'm glad that is your belief. By Terry Pratchett Trust Ridcully Urchin Belief Subtle

Lady Waggon Says That Any Bodies Found During A Weekend Party Should Be Disposed Of Discreetly, In Case Of Scandal. By Terry Pratchett Discreetly Scandal Waggon Bodies Found

All right," said Susan. "I'm not stupid. You're saying humans need ... fantasies to make life bearable."REALLY? AS IF IT WAS SOME KIND OF PINK PILL? NO. HUMANS NEED FANTASY TO BE HUMAN. TO BE THE PLACE WHERE THE FALLING ANGEL MEETS THE RISING APE."Tooth fairies? Hogfathers? Little - "YES. AS PRACTICE. YOU HAVE TO START OUT LEARNING TO BELIEVE THE LITTLE LIES."So we can believe the big ones?"YES. JUSTICE. MERCY. DUTY. THAT SORT OF THING."They're not the same at all!"YOU THINK SO? THEN TAKE THE UNIVERSE AND GRIND IT DOWN TO THE FINEST POWDER AND SIEVE IT THROUGH THE FINEST SIEVE AND THEN SHOW ME ONE ATOM OF JUSTICE, ONE MOLECULE OF MERCY. AND YET - Death waved a hand. AND YET YOU ACT AS IF THERE IS SOME IDEAL ORDER IN THE WORLD, AS IF THERE IS SOME ... SOME RIGHTNESS IN THE UNIVERSE BY WHICH IT MAY BE JUDGED."Yes, but people have got to believe that, or what's the point - "MY POINT EXACTLY. By Terry Pratchett Susan Humans Justice Mercy Finest

The R is the wrong way roond and you left the A and a Y out of Anybody,' said Jeannie, because it is a wife's job to stop her husband actually exploding with pride.'Ach, wumman, I didna' ken which way the fat man wuz walkin',' said Rob, airly waving a hand. 'Ye canna trust the fat man. That's the kind of thing us nat'ral writin' folk knows about. One day he might walk this way, next day he might walk that way. By Terry Pratchett Ach Jeannie Rob Fat Wumman

When you got right down to the bottom of the ladder, the rungs were very close together and, oh my, weren't the women careful about them. In their own way, they were as haughty as any duchess. You might not have much, but you could have Standards. Clothes might be cheap and old, but at least they could be scrubbed. There might be nothing behind the front door worth stealing but at least the doorstep could be clean enough to eat your dinner off, if you could've afforded dinner. And no one ever bought their clothes from the pawn shop. You'd hit bottom when you did that. No, you bought them from Mr. Sun at the shonky shop, and you never asked where he got them from. By Terry Pratchett Ladder Rungs Close Women Careful

Nanny Ogg was about to say: What? You mean not compliant and self-effacing like what you is, Esme? But she stopped herself. You didn't juggle matches in a fireworks factory. By Terry Pratchett Ogg Nanny Esme Compliant Selfeffacing

And then there were the readers, Gawd bless them. We must have signed hundreds of thousands of copies for them by now. The books are often well read to the point of physical disintegration; if we run across a shiny new copy, it's usually because the owner's previous five have been stolen by friends, struck by lightning or eaten by giant termites in Sumatra. You have been warned. Oh, and we understand there's a copy in the Vatican library. It'd be nice to think so. By Terry Pratchett Gawd Readers Bless Sumatra Copy

Something was happening to the five, however. Battered by the chance collision of several billion molecules, the die flipped onto a point, spun gently and came down a seven. Blind Io picked up the cube and counted the sides. "Come on," he said wearily. "Play fair. By Terry Pratchett Happening Battered Molecules Point Spun

Sham Harga's coffee was like molten lead, but it had this in its favor: when you'd drunk it, there was this overwhelming feeling of relief that you'd got to the bottom of the cup. By Terry Pratchett Harga Sham Lead Favor Cup

History records a great many foolish comments, such as, "it looks perfectly safe," or "Indians? What Indians?" and Dogger added to the list with an old favourite which has caused more encyclopedias and life insurance policies to be sold than you would have thought possible. "I suppose," he said, "that you'd better come in. By Terry Pratchett Indians History Comments Safe Records

He takes the view that mornings happen to other people. I think I once saw him at breakfast, although possibly it was just someone who looked a bit like him who was lying with their head in the plate of baked beans. He likes good sushi, and quite likes people, too, although not raw; he is kind to fans who are not total jerks, and enjoys talking to people who know how to talk. He doesn't look as though he's forty; that may have happened to someone else, too. Or perhaps there's special picture locked in his attic. By Terry Pratchett People View Mornings Happen Breakfast

In the kitchen, chickens had overflowed into the sink. They weren't making much noise, except for the occasional 'werk' a chicken makes when it's a bit uncertain about things, which is more or less all the time. By Terry Pratchett Kitchen Sink Overflowed Werk Chickens

Some might have taken him for a mere apprentice enchanter who had run away from his master out of defiance, boredom, fear and a lingering taste for heterosexuality. By Terry Pratchett Boredom Defiance Fear Heterosexuality Mere

And the Queen was there, in front of her. She was much taller than Tiffany, but just as slim; her hair was long and black, her face pale, her lips cherry red, her dress black and white and red. And it was all, very slightly, wrong. Tiffany's Second Thoughts said: It's because she's perfect. Completely perfect. Like a doll. No one real is as perfect as that. "That's not you," said Tiffany, with absolute certainty. "That's just your dream of you. That's not you at all." The Queen's smile disappeared for a moment and came back all edgy and brittle. "Such rudeness, and you hardly know me," she said, sitting down on the leafy seat. She patted the space beside her. By Terry Pratchett Tiffany Red Queen Perfect Front

A figure barred their way. It hadn't been there a moment ago but it looked permanent now. It seemed to have been made of snow, three balls of snow piled on one another. It had black dots for eyes. A semi-circle of more dots formed the semblance of a mouth. There was a carrot for the nose. And, for the arms, two twigs. At this distance, anyway. One of them was holding a curved stick. A raven wearing a damp piece of red paper landed on one arm. 'Bob bob bob?' it suggested. 'Merry Solstice? Tweetie tweet? What are you waiting for? Hogswatch?' The dogs backed away. The snow broke off the snowman in chunks, revealing a gaunt figure in a flapping black robe. Death spat out the carrot. HO. HO. HO. By Terry Pratchett Bob Barred Snow Dots Figure

It's all right," said the Fool urgently. "You'll be perfectly safe with me." "Yes, I will, won't I," said Magrat, trying to look around him to see where the others had gone. "They're staging the play outside, in the big courtyard. We'll get a lovely view from one of the gate towers, and no one else will be there. I put some wine up there for us, and everything." When she still looked half-reluctant he added, "And there's a cistern of water and a fireplace that the guards use sometimes. In case you want to wash your hair. By Terry Pratchett Fool Urgently Magrat Perfectly Safe

It only takes a tweak to make the whole world new. By Terry Pratchett Tweak Make World

Before you can kill a demon, you have to be able to say it's name. Names have power. While the word Alzheimer's terrorizes us, it has power over us. When we are prepared to discuss it aloud, we might have power over it. It's thought of as a mental illness and it is a physical illness, affecting the brain. There should be no shame in having it, yet people still don't talk about it By Terry Pratchett Power Demon Kill Illness Alzheimer

Anyway, it's like with bikes,' said the first speaker authoritatively. 'I thought I was going to get this bike with seven gears and one of them razorblade saddles and purple paint and everything, and they gave me this light blue one. With a basket. A girl's bike.''Well. You're a girl,' said one of the others.'That's sexism, that is. Going around giving people girly presents just because they're a girl. By Terry Pratchett Authoritatively Girl Speaker Bikes Bike

Handle with care. Probably has Views. Do not attempt to kiss hand. By Terry Pratchett Handle Care Views Hand Attempt

Evolution was far more thrilling to me than the biblical account. Who would not rather be a rising ape than a falling angel? To my juvenile eyes, Darwin was proved true every day. It doesn't take much to make us flip back into monkeys again. By Terry Pratchett Evolution Account Thrilling Biblical Darwin

There are now, to the delight of parasitical writers like me, what I might almost call "public domain" plot items. There are dragons, and magic users, and far horizons, and quests, and items of power, and weird cities. There's the kind of scenery that we would have had on earth if only God had had the money. By Terry Pratchett Call Public Domain Plot Items

In the swamp the alligators drifted like patches of bad-assed water. By Terry Pratchett Water Swamp Alligators Drifted Patches

That was always the dream, wasn't it? 'I wish I'd known then what I know now'? But when you got older you found out that you NOW wasn't YOU then. You then was a twerp. You then was what you had to be to start out on the rocky road of becoming you now, and one of the rocky patches on that road was being a twerp. By Terry Pratchett Dream Twerp Rocky Road Older

You could read the Nac Mac Feegle like a book. And it would be a big, simple book with pictures of Spot the Dog and a Big Red Ball and one or two short sentences on each page. What they were thinking turned up right there on their faces, and now they were all wearing a look that said: Crivens, I hope she disna ask us the question we dinna want tae answer ... By Terry Pratchett Nac Mac Feegle Big Book

In her own special category, she was quite beautiful. This was the category of all the women, in his entire life, who had ever thought he was worth smiling at. By Terry Pratchett Beautiful Category Special Women Life

A lot of the stories were highly suspicious, in her opinion. There was the one that ended when the two good children pushed the wicked witch into her own oven ... Stories like this stopped people thinking properly, she was sure. She'd read that one and thought, Excuse me? No one has an oven big enough to get a whole person in, and what made the children think they could just walk around eating people's houses in any case? And why does some boy too stupid to know a cow is worth a lot more than five beans have the right to murder a giant and steal all his gold? Not to mention commit an act of ecological vandalism? And some girl who can't tell the difference between a wolf and her grandmother must either have been as dense as teak or come from an extremely ugly family. By Terry Pratchett Suspicious Opinion Highly Stories Lot

We ain't going to curse anyone," said Granny firmly. "It hardly ever works if they don't know you've done it. By Terry Pratchett Granny Firmly Curse Works

After my wife was killed in that pogrom in Russia, I came to England with only my tools, and when I saw the white cliffs of Dover, alone without my wife, I said, "God, today I don't believe in you anymore.""What did God say?" Dodger had asked.Solomon had sighed theatrically, as if he had been put upon by the question, and then smiled and said, "Mmm, God said to me, 'I understand, Solomon; let me know when you change your mind. By Terry Pratchett God Russia Dover Wife England

One of the important things about being a small-town reporter is knowing what not to put in the paper. By Terry Pratchett Paper Important Things Smalltown Reporter

Humans! They lived in a world where the grass continued to be green and the sun rose every day and flowers regularly turned into fruit, and what impressed them? Weeping statues. And wine made out of water! A mere quantum-mechanistic tunnel effect, that'd happen anyway if you were prepared to wait zillions of years. As if the turning of sunlight into wine, by means of vines and grapes and time and enzymes, wasn't a thousand times more impressive and happened all the time ... By Terry Pratchett Humans Wine Time Fruit Lived

No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled. "Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?""What?""Oh, you'd like something simpler? By Terry Pratchett Vimes Yelled Moon Simpler Man

What's the orbital velocity of the moon? By Terry Pratchett Moon Orbital Velocity

I discovered fantasy and science fiction when I was about 10, and read nothing else for about three years. I ran out of all the books that there were to read in the library. I was keen on reading stuff that took me to other places. By Terry Pratchett Years Read Discovered Fantasy Science

I have vowed that rather than let Alzheimer's take me, I would take it, i would live my life as ever to the full and die, before the disease mounted its last attack, in my own home, in a chair on the lawn, with a brandy in my hand to wash down whatever modern version of the Brompton Cocktail some helpful medic could supply. And with Thomas Tallis on my iPod, I would shake hands with death. By Terry Pratchett Alzheimer Brompton Cocktail Die Attack

I intend, before the endgame looms, to die sitting in a chair in my own garden with a glass of brandy in my hand and Thomas Tallis on the iPod. Oh, and since this is England, I had better add, 'If wet, in the library.' Who could say that this is bad? By Terry Pratchett Thomas Tallis Intend Looms Ipod

At the end of the world is a great big mountain of granite rock a mile high,' she said. 'And every year, a tiny bird flies all the way to the rock and wipes its beak on it. Well, when the little bird has worn the mountain down to the size of a grain of sand . . . that's the day I'll marry you, Rob Anybody Feegle! By Terry Pratchett Rock High End World Great

And to keep an eye too on anyone prone to a bit of cackling. By Terry Pratchett Cackling Eye Prone Bit

A witch didn't do things because they seemed a good idea at the time! That was practically cackling. You had to deal every day with people who were foolish and lazy and untruthful and downright unpleasant, and you could certainly end up thinking that the world would be considerably improved if you gave them a slap. But you didn't because, as Miss Tick had once explained:a) it would make the world a better place for only a very short time;b) it would then make the world a slightly worse place; andc) you're not supposed to be as stupid as they are. By Terry Pratchett World Time Witch Things Good

The bravest person I've ever met was a young boy going through massive amounts of treatment for a very rare, complex and unpleasant disease. I last saw him at a Discworld convention, where he chose to take part in a game as an assassin. He died not long afterwards, and I wish I had his fortitude and sense of style. By Terry Pratchett Rare Complex Disease Bravest Person

A streak of green fire blasted out of the back of the shed, passed a foot over the heads of the mob, and burned a charred rosette in the woodwork over the door.Then came a voice that was a honeyed purr of sheer deadly menance."This is Lord Mountjoy Quickfang Winterforth IV, the hottest dragon in the city. It could burn your head clean off."Captain Vimes limped forward from the shadows. A small and extremely frightened golden dragon was clamped firmly under one arm. His other hand held it by the tail. The rioters watched it, hypnotized."Now I know what you're thinking," Vimes went on, softly. "You're wondering, after all this excitement, has it got enough flame left? And, y'know, I ain't so sure myself ... "He leaned forward, sighting between the dragon's ears, and his voice buzzed like a knife blade: "What you've got to ask yourself is: Am I feeling lucky? By Terry Pratchett Lord Mountjoy Quickfang Winterforth Dragon

The best man. You know? He hands you the ring and has to marry the bride if you ran away and so on. The Dean's been reading up on it, haven't you, Dean?""Oh, yes," said the Dean, who'd spent all the previous day with "Lady Deirdre Waggon's Book of Etiquette". "She's got to marry someone once she's turned up. You can't have unmarried brides flapping around the place, being a danger to society.""I completely forgot about a best man!" said Vimes. By Terry Pratchett Dean Man Marry Lady Etiquette

But if you must know, your moon here is rather more powerful than the ones around my own world.""The moon?" said Twoflower. "I don't under-""If I've got to spell it out," said the troll, testily, "I'm suffering from chronic tides. By Terry Pratchett Twoflower Moon World Powerful Testily

There was a general murmuring, no real words, nothing that would get anyone into trouble if the piper turned nasty, but a muttering indicating, in a general sense, without wishing to cause umbrage, and seeing everyone's point of view, and taking one thing with another, and all things being equal, that people would like to see the boy given a chance, if it's all right with you, no offence meant. By Terry Pratchett General Murmuring Words Nasty Indicating

Vimes groaned. That meant wizards. You got nothing but trouble with wizards. By Terry Pratchett Vimes Groaned Wizards Meant Trouble

I thought jet planes were just trucks with more wings and less wheels. By Terry Pratchett Wheels Thought Jet Planes Trucks

But ... it's a nice day today, the birds is singing, there's stuff like ... kittens and stuff, and the sun is shining off the snow, bringin' the promise of spring to come, with flowers, and fresh grass, and more kittens and hot summer days an' the gentle kiss of the rain and wonderful clean things which you won't ever see if you don't give us what's in that drawer 'cos you'll burn like a torch you double-dealing twisty dried-up cheating son of a bitch! By Terry Pratchett Stuff Kittens Today Singing Bringin

Wizards don't believe in gods. They didn't deny their existence, of course. They just didn't believe. It was nothing personal; they weren't actually rude about it. Gods were a visible part of narrativium that made things work, that gave the world its purpose. It was just that they were best avoided close up. By Terry Pratchett Wizards Gods Existence Deny Personal

My advice is this. For Christ's sake, don't write a book that is suitable for a kid of 12 years old, because the kids who read who are 12 years old are reading books for adults. I read all of the James Bond books when I was about 11, which was approximately the right time to read James Bond books. By Terry Pratchett Bond Years James Books Read

There were times when you could feel that the world would be a better place if Annagramma got the occasional slap around the ear. The silly unthinking insults, her huge lack of interest in anyone other than herself, the way she treated everyone as if they were slightly deaf and a bit stupid ... it could make your blood boil. But you put up with it because every once in a while you saw through it all. Inside there was this worried, frantic little face watching the world like a bunny watching a fox, and screaming at it in the hope that it would go away and not hurt her. By Terry Pratchett Annagramma Ear Times Feel Place

Where's the pleasure in bein' the winner if the loser ain't alive to know they've lost? By Terry Pratchett Bein Lost Pleasure Winner Loser

Elves are wonderful. They provoke wonder.Elves are marvellous. They cause marvels.Elves are fantastic. They create fantasies.Elves are glamorous. They project glamour.Elves are enchanting. They weave enchantment.Elves are terrific. They beget terror.The thing about words is that meanings can twist just like a snake, and if you want to find snakes look for them behind words that have changed their meaning.No one ever said elves are nice.Elves are bad. By Terry Pratchett Wonderful Elves Words Marvellous Provoke

There are no delusions for the dead. Dying is like waking up after a really good party, when you have one or two seconds of innocent freedom before you recollect all the things you did last night which seemed so logical and hilarious at the time, and then you remember the really amazing thing you did with a lampshade and two balloons, which had them in stitches, and now you realize you're going to have to look a lot of people in the eye today and you're sober now and so are they but you can both remember. By Terry Pratchett Dead Delusions Remember Things Thing

And what are you exactly, my friend? Their subordinate? Their employee? Or, I would suggest, their equal? That's what young Karl would certainly have said, and probably still does. Unless he's no longer alive.' Dodger gave Solomon and strange look and Solomon hastened to clarify. 'Mmmm, as I recall, if you go around telling people that they are downtrodden, you tend to make two separate enemies: the people who are doing the downtreading and have no intention of stopping, and the people who are downtrodden, but nevertheless people being who they are don't want to know. They can get quite nasty about it.' (205) By Terry Pratchett People Friend Solomon Downtrodden Mmmm

Good or bad, do it as you. Too many lies and there's no truth to go back to. By Terry Pratchett Good Bad Lies Truth Back

The walls were covered with graffiti and William passed the time correcting the spelling By Terry Pratchett William Spelling Walls Covered Graffiti

They were in every colour sweets can be, such as Not-Really-Raspberry Red, Fake-Lemon Yellow, Curiously-Chemical Orange, Some-Kind-of-Acidy Green and Who-Knows-What Blue. By Terry Pratchett Red Blue Yellow Orange Green

In other words, it's the familiar hot sinking feeling experienced by everyone who has let the waves of their own anger throw them far up on the beach of retribution, leaving them, in the poetic language of the everyday, up shit creek. By Terry Pratchett Words Retribution Leaving Everyday Creek

The universe contains any amount of horrible ways to be woken up, such as the noise of the mob breaking down the front door, the scream of fire engines, or the realization that today is the Monday which on Friday night was a comfortably long way off. A dog's wet nose is not strictly speaking the worst of the bunch, but it has its own peculiar dreadfulness which connoisseurs of the ghastly and dog owners everywhere have come to know and dread. It's like having a small piece of defrosting liver pressed lovingly against you. By Terry Pratchett Monday Friday Door Engines Universe

One minute walking along, the next minute dead. Why?"THINK OF IT BEING MORE ... DIMENSIONALLY DISADVANTAGED."Yes. I know." Beano relaxed, and stopped wondering too much about events in an increasingly irrelevant world. Death found that people often did, after the initial confusion. After all, the worst had already happened. At least ... with any luck. By Terry Pratchett Minute Dead Walking Dimensionally Disadvantaged

Oh my little ragtag, rubbish people, who do not trust and are not trusted! Tread with care, Mister Policeman; the hated have no reason to love! Oh, the strange and secret people, last and worst, born of rubbish, hopeless, bereft of god. The best of luck to you, my brother ... my brother in darkness ... Do what you can for them, Mister Po-leess-maan. By Terry Pratchett Mister Ragtag Trusted People Policeman

A book has been taken. A book has been taken? You summoned the Watch," Carrot drew himself up proudly, "because someone's taken a book? You think that's worse than murder?"The Librarian gave him the kind of look other people would reserve for people who said things like "What's so bad about genocide? By Terry Pratchett Book Watch Carrot People Librarian

The librarians were mysterious. It was said they could tell what book you needed just by looking at you, and they could take your voice away with a word. By Terry Pratchett Mysterious Librarians Word Book Needed

Two uniformed trolls were standing in front of Sergeant Colon's high desk, with a slightly smaller troll between them. This troll was wearing a slightly downcast expression. It was also wearing a tutu and had a small pair of gauzed wings glued to its back." - happen to know that trolls don't have any tradition of a Tooth Fairy," Colon was saying. "Especially not one called' - he looked down - "Clinkerbell. So how about we just call it breaking and entering without a Thieves' Guild license?""Is racial prejudice, not letting trolls have a Tooth Fairy," Clinkerbell muttered.One of the troll guards upended a sack on the desk. Various items of silverwear cascaded over the paperwork."And this is what you found under their pillows, was it?" said Colon."Bless dere little hearts," said Clinkerbell. By Terry Pratchett Sergeant Clinkerbell Colon Fairy Slightly

Might have just been an innocent bystander, sir,' said Carrot'What, in Ankh-Morpork?''Yes, sir.''We should have grabbed him, then, just for the rarity value By Terry Pratchett Sir Bystander Carrotwhat Ankhmorpork Sir

Have - have you got an appointment?' he said.'I don't know,' said Carrot. 'Have we got an appointment?''I've got an iron ball with spikes on,' Nobby volunteered.'That's a morningstar, Nobby.''Is it?''Yes,' said Carrot. 'An appointment is an engagement to see someone, while a morningstar is a large lump of metal used for viciously crushing skulls. It is important not to confuse the two, isn't it, Mr-?' He raised his eyebrows.'Boffo, sir. But-''So if you could perhaps run along and tell Dr Whiteface we're here with an iron ball with spi- What am I saying? I mean, without an appointment to see him? Please? Thank you. By Terry Pratchett Carrot Appointment Morningstar Iron Ball

You can be any sex you like provided you act male. There's no men and women in the Watch, just a bunch of lads. By Terry Pratchett Male Sex Provided Act Watch

Ah, I know that," said Tiffany, as the boat rocked on the swell. "Whales aren't dangerous, because they just eat very small things ... ""Row like the blazes, lads!" Rob Anybody yelled. By Terry Pratchett Tiffany Swell Boat Rocked Whales

It's like that in the Watch, too." said Angua. "You can be any sex you like provided you act male. There's no men and women in the Watch, just a bunch of lads. You'll soon learn the language. Basically it's how much beer you supped last night, how strong the curry was you had afterwards, and where you were sick. Just think egotesticle. You'll soon get the hang of it. And you'll have to be prepared for sexually explicit jokes in the Watch House. By Terry Pratchett Angua Watch Too Male House

Well, at least he keeps himself fit," said the Archchancellor nastily. "Not like the rest of you fellows. I went into the Uncommon Room this morning, and it was full of chaps snoring!""That would be the senior masters, Master," said the Bursar. "I would say they are supremely fit, myself.""Fit? The Dean looks like a man who's swallered a bed!""Ah, but Master," said the Bursar, smiling indulgently, "the word 'fit,' as I understand it, means 'appropriate to a purpose,' and I would say the body of the Dean is supremely appropriate to the purpose of sitting around all day and eating big heavy meals. By Terry Pratchett Fit Archchancellor Bursar Master Nastily

The truth is a fog, in which one man sees the heavenly host and the other one sees a flying elephant. By Terry Pratchett Fog Elephant Truth Man Heavenly

He said, "Miss Tiffany, the witch ... would you be so good as to tell me: what is the sound of love?"Tiffany looked at his face. The noise from the tug-of-war was silenced. The birds stopped singing. In the grass, the grasshoppers stopped rubbing their legs together and looked up. The earth moved slightly as even the chalk giant (perhaps) strained to hear, and the silence flowed over the world until all there was was Preston, who was always there.And Tiffany said, "Listen. By Terry Pratchett Tiffany Miss Witch Looked Stopped

They're inventive, I'll grant you. But what I meant was ... I mean ... they've done nothing to deserve it.""Deserve? They're human. What's deserve got to do with it? By Terry Pratchett Inventive Deserve Grant Meant Human

Several sellers of hot meat pies and sausages in a bun had appeared from nowhere and were doing a brisk trade. [Footnote: They always do, everywhere. No-one sees them arrive. The logical explaination is that the franchise includes the stall, the paper hat and a small gas-powered time machine.] By Terry Pratchett Trade Footnote Sellers Hot Meat

The thing is, 'Discworld' had been going on for a very long time, and I've written children's books as well. Usually when people have a really big series they franchise it, which I thought is a bit of a no-no, so I thought what I'd do is I'd franchise it to myself. By Terry Pratchett Discworld Time Thing Long Written

And what would humans be without love?RARE, said Death. By Terry Pratchett Rare Death Love Humans

Cohen looked at the forest of lances and pennants. Hundreds of thousands of men looked like quite a lot of men when you saw them close to."I suppose," he said, slowly, "that none of you has got some amazing plan you've been keeping quiet about?""We thought you had one," said Truckle. By Terry Pratchett Cohen Pennants Looked Forest Lances

All-out. Thaumaturgical. War. And there were of course no alliances, no sides, no deals, no mercy, no cease. The skies twisted, the seas boiled. The scream and whizz of fireballs turned the night into day, but that was all right because the ensuing clouds of black smoke turned the day into night. The landscape rose and fell like a honeymoon duvet, and the very fabric of space itself was tied in multidimensional knots and bashed on a flat stone down by the river of Time. By Terry Pratchett Allout Turned Night Day Thaumaturgical

The Fool held his breath. On long nights on the hard flagstones he had dreamed of women like her. Although, if he really thought about it, not much like her; they were better endowed around the chest, their noses weren't so red and pointed, and their hair tended to flow more. But the Fool's libido was bright enough to tell the difference between the impossible and the conceivably attainable, and hurriedly cut in some filter circuits. By Terry Pratchett Fool Breath Held Long Nights

Be careful. People like to be told what they already know. Remember that. They get uncomfortable when you tell them new things. New things ... well, new things aren't what they expect. They like to know that, say, a dog will bite a man. That is what dogs do. They don't want to know that a man bites a dog, because the world is not supposed to happen like that. In short, what people think they want is news, but what they really crave is olds. I can see you've got the hang of it already. By Terry Pratchett Things Careful Dog Man People

As they stepped out into the silent street he wondered if Lord Vetinari had been right about the press. There was something ... compelling about it. It was like a dog that stared at you until you fed it. A slightly dangerous dog. Dog bites man, he thought. But that's not news. That's olds. By Terry Pratchett Lord Vetinari Press Dog Stepped

It's daft, locking us up," said Nanny. "I'd have had us killed.""That's because you're basically good," said Magrat. "The good are innocent and create justice. The bad are guilty, which is why they invent mercy. By Terry Pratchett Nanny Daft Locking Magrat Good

Then Magrat, who in Nanny Ogg's opinion had an innocent talent for treading on dangerous ground, said: "I wonder if we did the right thing? I'm sure it was a job for a handsome prince." "Hah!" said Granny, who was riding ahead. "And what good would that be? Cutting your way through a bit of bramble is how you can tell he's going to be a good husband, is it? That's fairy godmotherly thinking, that is! Goin' around inflicting happy endings on people whether they wants them or not, eh? By Terry Pratchett Magrat Nanny Ogg Ground Thing

She fumbled in her apron pocket for her tobacco pouch. "Has anyone got a light?" she inquired. A couple of actors produced bundles of matches. Nanny nodded, and put the pouch away. "Good," she said. "Now, has anyone got any tobacco? By Terry Pratchett Fumbled Apron Pocket Good Pouch

Magrat liked to think she was good with children, and worried that she wasn't. She didn't like them very much, and worried about this too. Nanny Ogg seemed to be effortlessly good with children by alternately and randomly giving them either a sweet or a thick ear, while Granny Weatherwax ignored them for most of the time and that seemed to work just as well. By Terry Pratchett Worried Magrat Good Children Ogg

Nanny's philosophy of life was to do what seemed like a good idea at the time, and do it as hard as possible. It had never let her down. By Terry Pratchett Nanny Time Philosophy Life Good

I've got nothing but the greatest respect for Mrs. Gogol," said Granny. "A fine woman. But talks a bit too much. If I was her, I'd have had a couple of big nails right through that thing by now.""You would, too," said Nanny. "It's a good thing you're good, ain't it. By Terry Pratchett Gogol Granny Mrs Greatest Respect

To Tiffany's surprise, Nanny Ogg was weeping gently. Nanny took another swig from her flagon and wiped her eyes. 'Cryin' helps sometimes,' she said. 'No shame in tears for them as you've loved. Sometimes I remember one of my husbands and shed a tear or two. The memories're there to be treasured, and it's no good to get morbid-like about it. By Terry Pratchett Nanny Tiffany Ogg Surprise Gently

Walter Plinge said: "You know she asked me a very silly question Mrs Ogg! It was a silly question any fool knows the answer!""Oh, yes," said Nanny. "About houses on fire, I expect ... ""Yes! What would I take out of our house if it was on fire!""I expect you were a good boy and said you'd take your mum," said Nanny."No! My mum would take herself!""What would you take out then, Walter?" Nanny said."The fire! By Terry Pratchett Ogg Plinge Mrs Fire Silly

I never does anyone a bad turn if I can't do 'em a good one, Gytha, you know that. I don't have to do no frills or fancy labels." Nanny By Terry Pratchett Gytha Bad Turn Good Nanny

The queen appeared as innocent as one of those mountains which smoke a little, and then one day end up causing a whole civilization to become an art installation By Terry Pratchett Installation Queen Appeared Innocent Mountains

Can you swim?" said Victor. One of the cavern's rotting pillars crashed down behind them. From the pit itself came a terrible wailing. "Not very well," said Ginger. "Me neither," he said. The commotion behind them was getting worse. "Still," he said, taking her hand. "We could look on this as a great opportunity to improve really quickly. By Terry Pratchett Victor Swim Ginger Cavern Rotting

At the top of the cellar steps Broadman knelt down and fumbled in his tinderbox. It turned out to be damp. 'I'll kill that bloody cat,' he muttered, and groped for the spare box that was normally on the ledge by the door. It was missing. Broadman said a bad word. A lighted taper appeared in mid-air, right beside him. HERE, TAKE THIS. 'Thanks,' said Broadman. DON'T MENTION IT. Broadman went to throw the taper down the steps. His hand paused in mid-air. He looked at the taper, his brow furrowing. Then he turned around and held the taper up to illuminate the scene. It didn't shed much light, but it did give the darkness a shape ... 'Oh, no - ' he breathed. BUT YES, said Death. By Terry Pratchett Broadman Taper Tinderbox Top Cellar

A moment later the wizard was standing over him, shouting, "Tell it that if it singes me I'll let the sword go! I will! I'll let it go! So tell it!" The tip of the black sword was hovering over K!sdra's throat. What was odd was that the wizard was obviously struggling with it, and it appeared to be singing to itself. By Terry Pratchett Shouting Moment Standing Singes Wizard

Leonard's incredible brain sizzled away alarmingly, an overloaded chip pan on the Stove of Life. It was impossible to know what he would think of next, because he was constantly reprogrammed by the whole universe. The sight of a waterfall or a soaring bird would send him spinning down some new path of practical speculation that invariably ended in a heap of wire and springs and a cry of "I think I know what I did wrong." He By Terry Pratchett Life Stove Leonard Alarmingly Incredible

And so Mort came at last to the river Ankh, greatest of rivers. Even before it entered the city, it was slow and heavy with the silt of the plains, and by the time it got to The Shades even an agnostic could have walked across it. It was hard to drown in the Ankh, but easy to suffocate. By Terry Pratchett Mort Ankh Greatest River Rivers

It's beautiful," said Mort softly. "What is it?"THE SUN IS UNDER THE DISC, said Death."Is it like this every night?"EVERY NIGHT, said Death. NATURE'S LIKE THAT."Doesn't anyone know?"ME. YOU. THE GODS. GOOD, ISN'T IT?"Gosh!"Death leaned over the saddle and looked down at the kingdoms of the world.I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, he said, BUT I COULD MURDER A CURRY. By Terry Pratchett Mort Night Beautiful Softly Death

Goodbye," Mort said, and was surprised to find a lump in his throat. "It's such an unpleasant word, isn't it?" QUITE SO. Death grinned because, as has so often been remarked, he didn't have much option. But possibly he meant it, this time. I PREFER AU REVOIR, he said. By Terry Pratchett Mort Goodbye Throat Surprised Find

(That was a cinematic trick adapted for print. Death wasn't talking to the princess. He was actually in his study, talking to Mort. But it was quite effective, wasn't it? It's probably called a fast dissolve, or a crosscut/zoom. Or something. An industry where a senior technician is called a Best Boy might call it anything.) By Terry Pratchett Print Cinematic Trick Adapted Talking

You don't know about that what you talk about," he added, with more feeling than grammar, "else you wouldn't say that. What do you want from me?" Mort By Terry Pratchett Added Grammar Talk Feeling Mort

Mort was hurt by this. It was one thing not to want to marry someone, but quite another to be told they didn't want to marry you. By Terry Pratchett Mort Hurt Marry Thing Told

They're always telling folk how much better it's going to be when they're dead. We tell them it could be pretty good right here if only they'd put their minds to it.' Mort By Terry Pratchett Dead Telling Folk Mort Pretty

We thought the fireworks were marvelous," said Mort. "And I expect they'll soon be able to rebuild the outer wall. By Terry Pratchett Mort Marvelous Thought Fireworks Wall

THERE'S NO JUSTICE, said Mort. JUST US. By Terry Pratchett Justice Mort

Mort glanced sideways at the top of Ysabell's dress, which contained enough puppy fat for two litters of Rottweilers, and forbore to comment. By Terry Pratchett Rottweilers Ysabell Mort Dress Comment

Mort remembered the woodcut in his grandmother's almanack, between the page on planting times and the phases of the moon section, showing Dethe thee Great Levyller Comes To Alle Menne. He'd stared at it hundreds of times when learning his letters. It wouldn't have been half so impressive if it had been generally known that the flame-breathing horse the specter rode was called Binky. By Terry Pratchett Menne Dethe Great Levyller Alle

Pray note that my chest does not appear to be a toast rack in a wet paper bag.Mort glanced sideways at the top of Ysabell's dress, which contained enough puppy fat for two litters of Rotweilers, and forbore to comment. By Terry Pratchett Rotweilers Ysabell Pray Dress Comment

Something like a small blue supernova flared for a moment in the depths of his eyesockets. It dawned on Mort that, with some embarrassment and complete lack of expertise, Death was trying to wink. By Terry Pratchett Eyesockets Death Small Blue Supernova

And he goes around killing people?" said Mort. He shook his head. "There's no justice."Death sighed. No, he said ... there's just me. By Terry Pratchett Mort People Killing Death Head

It struck Mort with sudden, terrible poignancy that Death must be the loneliest creature in the universe. In the great party of Creation, he was always in the kitchen. By Terry Pratchett Mort Death Sudden Terrible Universe

SEE THE MAN NEXT TO HIM? WITH THE LITTLE MOUSTACHE AND THE GRIN LIKE A LIZARD? Death pointed with his scythe. 'Yes?' HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF STO HELIT. NOT THE NICEST OF PEOPLE, said Death. A HANDY MAN WITH A BOTTLE OF POISON. FIFTH IN LINE TO THE THRONE LAST YEAR, NOW SECOND IN LINE. BIT OF A SOCIAL CLIMBER, YOU MIGHT SAY. By Terry Pratchett Man Line Lizard Death Moustache

NO ONE GETS PARDONED FOR LIVING. By Terry Pratchett Living Pardoned

Mort: How do you get all these coins?Death: IN PAIRS By Terry Pratchett Death Mort Pairs Coins

How do you get all those coins? asked Mort.IN PAIRS. By Terry Pratchett Coins Pairs Asked Mortin

To be frank, I thought you were going to marry the princess.'Mort blushed. 'We talked about it,' he said. 'Then we thought, just because you happen to rescue a princess, you shouldn't rush into things.''Very wise. Too many young women leap into the arms of the first young man to wake them after a hundred years' sleep, for example. By Terry Pratchett Mort Frank Princess Blushed Marry

HAVE YOU EVER BITTEN REDHOT ICE CUBE? THAT'S CURRY. By Terry Pratchett Cube Bitten Redhot Ice Curry

Poets have tried to describe Ankh-Morpork. They have failed. Perhaps it's the sheer zestful vitality of the place, or maybe it's just that a city with a million inhabitants and no sewers is rather robust for poets, who prefer daffodils and no wonder. So let's just say that Ankh-Morpork is as full of life as an old cheese on a hot day, as loud as a curse in a cathedral, as bright as an oil slick, as colourful as a bruise and as full of activity, industry, bustle and sheer exuberant busyness as a dead dog on a termite mound. By Terry Pratchett Describe Poets Ankhmorpork Full Sheer

Albert grunted. "Do you know what happens to lads who ask too many questions?"Mort thought for a moment."No," he said eventually, "what?"There was silence.Then Albert straightened up and said, "Damned if I know. Probably they get answers, and serve 'em right. By Terry Pratchett Grunted Albert Mort