Discover a wealth of wisdom and insight from P. J. O'rourke through their most impactful and thought-provoking quotes and sayings. Expand your perspective with their inspiring words and share these beautiful P. J. O'rourke quote pictures with your friends and followers on social media platforms like Facebook, Twitter, or your personal blog - all free of charge. We've compiled the top 915 P. J. O'rourke quotes for you to explore and share with others.

Medical researchers don't know much about head lice because they don't much care. The reason that they don't much care is, paradoxically, that they know a lot. That is, they know one important thing: there is no evidence that head lice transmit disease. By P. J. O'rourke Care Medical Head Lice Researchers

Considering what a hot, wed dog smells like, dog stew has a surprisingly savory odor To tell the truth, it tastes pretty good, like oxtail. To be perfectly honest, it's delicious. (Anything about this to my golden retriever, and I'll punch your lights out.) By P. J. O'rourke Dog Hot Wed Truth Good

How did an allegedly free people spawn a vast, rampant cuttlefish of dominion with its tentacles in every orifice of the body politic? By P. J. O'rourke Vast Rampant Politic Allegedly Free

People are all exactly alike. There's no such thing as a race and barely such a thing as an ethnic group. If we were dogs, we'd be the same breed. George Bush and an Australian Aborigine have fewer differences than a Lhasa apso and a toy fox terrier. A Japanese raised in Riyadh would be an Arab. A Zulu raised in New Rochelle would be an orthodontist. People are all the same, though their circumstances differ terribly. By P. J. O'rourke Alike People Thing Raised Arab

There's no such thing as a race and barely such a thing as an ethnic group. If we were dogs, we'd be the same breed ... Trouble doesn't come from Slopes, Kikes, Niggers, Spics or White Capitalist Pigs; it comes from the heart. By P. J. O'rourke Thing Group Kikes Niggers Race

Money is preferable to politics. It is the difference between being free to be anybody you want and to vote for anybody you want. And money is more effective than politics both in solving problems and in providing individual independence. To rid ourselves of all the trouble in the world, we need to make money. And to make money, we need to be free. By P. J. O'rourke Money Politics Preferable Make Free

Liberal" is one of those fine English words, like "lady" "gay" or "welfare" that have been spoiled by special pleading. So by "liberal I certainly don't mean tolerant or open-handed people or even big-government Democrats. I mean anyone who is excited that 1% of Ben and Jerry's profits go to promote world peace. By P. J. O'rourke Lady Gay Welfare English Liberal

The Affordable Health Care for Americans Act, passed by the House of Representatives on November 7, 2009, was 1,990 pages long. You could stand on it to paint the ceiling. The entire U.S. Constitution can be printed on eight pages. That's eight pages to run a whole country for 221 years versus four reams of government pig latin if you slam your thumb in a car door. By P. J. O'rourke Act November Affordable Health Care

The Greenpeace booth at all the rock and roll shows nowadays are akin to the old sorcerers who used to stand in the middle of villages warning of danger, 'When night wolf swallows mother moon, there will be great famine.' By P. J. O'rourke Greenpeace Danger Moon Famine Booth

The bullying of citizens by means of dreads and fights has been going on since paleolithic times. Greenpeace fund-raisers on the subject of global warming are not much different than the tribal Wizards on the subject of lunar eclipses. 'Oh no, Night Wolf is eating the Moon Virgin. Give me silver and I will make him spit her out. By P. J. O'rourke Times Subject Bullying Citizens Dreads

Writing on a computer makes saving what's been written too easy. Pretentious lead sentences are kept, not tossed. Instead of sitting surrounded by crumpled paper, the computerized writer has his mistakes neatly stored in digital memory. By P. J. O'rourke Writing Easy Computer Makes Saving

The sport of skiing consists of wearing three thousand dollars worth of clothes and equipment and driving two hundred miles in the snow in order to stand around at a bar and get drunk. By P. J. O'rourke Drunk Sport Skiing Consists Wearing

We had a choice between Democrats who couldn't learn from the past and Republicans who couldn't stop living in it ... By P. J. O'rourke Democrats Republicans Choice Learn Past

Jewishness cropped up and has never successfully been put down since. By P. J. O'rourke Jewishness Cropped Successfully Put

If you want to join the Republican party, they have to let you in. There's nothing they can do about it. I mean, if Republicans will take Al D'Amato, they'll take anybody. By P. J. O'rourke Party Join Republican Damato

Gosh, was I wrong. Never listen to a pundit. Is there such a thing as "magnetic back-assward"? We pundits and commentators have had our compass needles pointed in that direction for the past eighteen months. Want a stock tip? I would By P. J. O'rourke Gosh Wrong Magnetic Backassward Listen

The larger the German body, the smaller the German bathing suit and the louder the German voice issuing German demands and German orders to everybody who doesn't speak German. For this, and several other reasons, Germany is known as 'the land where Israelis learned their manners'. By P. J. O'rourke German Body Larger Smaller Bathing

Feminism is the result of a few ignorant and literal-minded women letting the cat out of the bag about which is the superior sex. Once women made it public that they could do things better than men, they were, of course, forced to do them. By P. J. O'rourke Feminism Sex Women Result Ignorant

Californians are people who insist on growing their own vegetables, but they won't dig up the pretty lawn, won't plant anything for fear of getting dirty, and they use fragrant bath salts from The Body Shop instead of smelly compost. By P. J. O'rourke Body Shop Californians Vegetables Lawn

I am a journalist and, under the modern journalist's code of Olympian objectivity (and total purity of motive), I am absolved of responsibility. We journalists don't have to step on roaches. All we have to do is turn on the kitchen light and watch the critters scurry. By P. J. O'rourke Olympian Objectivity Motive Responsibility Modern

The second item in the liberal creed, after self-righteousness, is unaccountability. Liberals have invented whole college majorspsychology, sociology, women's studiesto prove that nothing is anybody's fault. No one is fond of taking responsibility for his actions, but consider how much you'd have to hate free will to come up with a political platform that advocates killing unborn babies but not convicted murderers. A callous pragmatist might favor abortion and capital punishment. A devout Christian would sanction neither. But it takes years of therapy to arrive at the liberal view. By P. J. O'rourke Creed Selfrighteousness Unaccountability Liberal Item

Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce. By P. J. O'rourke Staying Benefits Married Longterm Divorce

The question nowadays is not what makes government work. The question is how do we make it stop. By P. J. O'rourke Work Question Nowadays Government Stop

The college idealists who fill the ranks of the environmental movement seem willing to do absolutely anything to save the biosphere, except take science courses and learn something about it. By P. J. O'rourke Biosphere College Idealists Fill Ranks

Capitalism, so called, is when free people accumulate capital of their own free will for use on freely determined projects. The fact of the matter is that most of these projects flop. Donald Trump, for example. Every property he touches seems to go to hell. "Fat Cat" would be the wrong epithet for Trump. If someone other than paroled former Enron accountants were keeping his books, he'd probably be shown to have a net worth less than that of your twenty-pound tabby who just shredded the drapes. What By P. J. O'rourke Free Capitalism Trump Called Projects

I didn't see any NRA officials killing babies in Waco ... By P. J. O'rourke Waco Nra Officials Killing Babies

Political systems must love poverty-they produce so much of it. Poor people make easier targets for a demagogue. No Mao or even Jiang Zemin is likely to arise on the New York Stock Exchange floor. And politicians in democracies benefit from destitution, too. The US has had a broad range of poverty programs for 30 years. Those programs have failed. Millions of people are still poor. And those people vote for politicians who favor keeping the poverty programs in place. There's a conspiracy theory in there somewhere. By P. J. O'rourke Political Programs People Systems Love

My dad died when I was young; my mom remarried with more haste than sense to a fellow ... he wasn't evil or anything, but he was worthless. By P. J. O'rourke Young Fellow Dad Died Mom

People think the free market is a philosophy, they think that it is a creed. It is none of those things. Free market is a bathroom scale, it is a measuring tape, it's simply a measurement. By P. J. O'rourke People Philosophy Creed Market Free

The free market tells us what people are willing to pay for a given thing at a given moment. That's all the free market does. The free market is a bathroom scale. We may not like what we see when we step on the bathroom scale, but we can't pass a law making ourselves weigh 165. By P. J. O'rourke Free Market Moment Scale People

The free market is not a creed or an ideology that political conservatives, libertarians, and Ayn Rand acolytes want Americans to take on faith. The free market is simply a measurement. The free market tells us what people are willing to pay for a given thing at a given moment. That's all the free market does. The free market is a bathroom scale. We may not like what we see when we step on the bathroom scale, but we can't pass a law making ourselves weigh 165. Liberals and leftists think we can. By P. J. O'rourke Free Market Ayn Rand Americans

Modern elites live in bubbles of liberal affluence like Ann Arbor, Brookline, the Upper West Side, Palo Alto, or Chevy Chase. These places used to have impoverished neighborhoods nearby, but the poor people got chased out by young singles living in group homes, hipsters, and urban homesteading gay couples. By P. J. O'rourke Brookline Arbor Side Palo Alto

One of the enduring problems with certain societies in the world - and this is certainly true of a lot of places in the Middle East - is that the capacity for self-governance and self-organizing just isn't there. It has to do with history. By P. J. O'rourke East Middle World Enduring Problems

There was also a hunger strike in front of the National Press Club, which seemed an odd place to have a hunger strike (a cocktail fast, maybe). Although the Bangladeshis were savvy enough to know to know that if you're going to pester journalists, don't go to where they work: You'll never find them there. By P. J. O'rourke Hunger Club Strike National Press

If you spend 72 hours in a place you've never been, talking to people whose language you don't speak about social, political, and economic complexities you don't understand, and you come back as the world's biggest know-it-all, you're a reporter. Either that or you're President Obama. By P. J. O'rourke Political Spend Hours Talking Social

I don't watch much television. By P. J. O'rourke Television Watch

Visiting Future World is like opening a Chinese fortune cookie to read, "Soon you'll be finished with dinner." By P. J. O'rourke Future World Chinese Visiting Read

People say free trade causes dislocation. In actual fact, it's the lowering of trade barriers that causes the dislocation. By P. J. O'rourke Dislocation People Trade Free Fact

What's important about morality in politics is us. We own the chicken farm. We must give our bird-brained, feather-headed politicians morals. Politicians love to think of themselves as "free-range" but they do not have the capacity to hunt or gather morals in the wild. If we fail to supply them with morality, politicians begin to act very scary in the barnyard. These are enormous headless chickens and they have nukes. By P. J. O'rourke Politicians Important Politics Morality Morals

Predicting innovation is something of a self-canceling exercise: the most probable innovations are probably the least innovative. By P. J. O'rourke Predicting Exercise Innovative Selfcanceling Probable

Positive rights are the right to shelter, the right to education, the right to health care, the right to a living wage. These things are - these are, I would call them, more properly, political rights rather than positive rights. And they are extremely tricky, because now we are dealing with things that are zero sum. By P. J. O'rourke Positive Shelter Education Care Wage

The principal feature of American liberalism is sanctimoniousness. By loudly denouncing all bad things - war and hunger and date rape - liberals testify to their own terrific goodness. More important, they promote themselves to membership in a self-selecting elite of those who care deeply about such things ... It's a kind of natural aristocracy, and the wonderful thing about this aristocracy is that you don't have to be brave, smart, strong or even lucky to join it, you just have to be liberal. By P. J. O'rourke American Sanctimoniousness Principal Feature Liberalism

I've always figured that if God wanted us to go to church a lot He'd have given us bigger behinds to sit on and smaller heads to think with. By P. J. O'rourke God Figured Wanted Church Lot

The sky was so clear that the starlight cast shadows, and so many sparkles and glitters and glints appeared above us that it looked like something really expensive had been dropped and shattered in heaven - God's Steuben ashtray, maybe. By P. J. O'rourke God Steuben Shadows Heaven Ashtray

Maybe it's understandable what a history of failures America's foreign policy has been. We are, after all, a country full of people who came to America to get away from foreigners. Any prolonged examination of the U.S. government reveals foreign policy to be America's miniature schnauzer a noisy but small and useless part of the national household. By P. J. O'rourke America Foreign Policy Understandable History

Actually, there is no way of making vomiting courteous. You have to do the next best thing, which is to vomit in such a way that the story you tell about it later will be amusing. By P. J. O'rourke Courteous Making Vomiting Thing Amusing

I grew up going to public school, and they were huge public schools. I went to a school that had 3,200 kids, and I had grade school classes with 40-some kids. Discipline was rigid. Most of the learning was rote. It worked. By P. J. O'rourke Public Kids School Grew Huge

I live in rural New Hampshire, and we are, frankly, short on people who are black, gay, Jewish, and Hispanic. In fact, we're short on people. My town has a population of 301. By P. J. O'rourke Jewish Hampshire Hispanic Frankly Gay

The prevalence of mobile homes does not correspond with the prevalence of poverty, or with much of anything else. All that can be confidently said about America's mobile homes is that they are massed in places where you wouldn't want to be in one. Florida's mobile homes lie athwart the path of hurricanes. Georgia's are in the way of tornadoes. By P. J. O'rourke Prevalence Mobile Homes Poverty Correspond

Name me, if you can, a better feeling than the one you get when you've half a bottle of Chivas in the bag with a gram of coke up your nose and a teenage lovely pulling off her tube top in the next seat over while you're doing a hundred miles an hour in a suburban side street. By P. J. O'rourke Chivas Street Feeling Half Bottle

Nancy Pelosi says the angry opposition to health care reform is like the angry opposition to gay rights that led to Harvey Milk being shot. By P. J. O'rourke Angry Opposition Pelosi Harvey Milk

Pete Seeger is a modest, unassuming, cheerful, and kind-natured man. He's a good folk singer, if you can stand folk singing. And he's such an excellent banjo player that you almost don't wish you had a pair of wire cutters. By P. J. O'rourke Unassuming Cheerful Seeger Pete Modest

Summing it Up ... "Where's a good place for dinner?" I asked. "There's the Brasserie Lipp on the Avenue St. Germaine," she said, "or La Coupole in Montmartre." "Not La Coupole," I said. "I've been there before. That's the place that's crowded and noisy and smells bad and everybody's rude as hell, isn't it?" "I think you just described France," she said. By P. J. O'rourke Summing Coupole Place Germaine Montmartre

If I give up drinking, smoking, and fatty foods, I can add ten years to my life. Trouble is, I'll add it to the wrong end. By P. J. O'rourke Smoking Drinking Foods Life Add

Arab-led Islamic fundamentalism destabilizes nations from Algeria to the Philippines. By P. J. O'rourke Philippines Islamic Algeria Arabled Fundamentalism

There is a fine line in the Third World between half a dozen customs officials waiting for you to offer them a bribe and half a dozen customs officials waiting for you to offer them a bribeso they can throw you in jail. By P. J. O'rourke Dozen Customs Officials Waiting Offer

You'll note that politicians no longer spend money, they invest it. Don't worry about paying more to the [IRS]. You aren't being taxed; you're taking a plunge on a fly-by-night stock issue. By P. J. O'rourke Money Irs Note Politicians Longer

Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year. By P. J. O'rourke Thanksgiving Year Called Thankful

Jimmy Carter was - he still - he remains to this day America's most ex of ex-presidents. You just can't believe that we elected this doofus. He was a bright enough guy and sort of well-meaning. But he was about as prepared to be president of the United States as your goofy old uncle, you know, the one that memorises baseball statistics. By P. J. O'rourke Carter America Jimmy Expresidents Remains

Freedom is not empowerment. Empowerment is what the Serbs have in Bosnia. Anybody can grab a gun and be empowered. By P. J. O'rourke Freedom Bosnia Empowerment Serbs Empowered

Getting down on all fours and imitating a rhinoceros stops babies from crying. (Put an empty cigarette pack on your nose for a horn and make loud "snort" noises.) I don't know why parents don't do this more often. Usually it makes the kid laugh. Sometimes it sends him into shock. Either way it quiets him down. If you're a parent, acting like a rhino has another advantage. Keep it up until the kid is a teenager and he definitely won't have his friends hanging around your house all the time. By P. J. O'rourke Crying Imitating Rhinoceros Stops Babies

Men generally pay for all expenses on a date ... either sex, however, may bring a little gift, its value to be determined by the bizarrness of the sexual request to be made later that evening. By P. J. O'rourke Men Date Generally Pay Expenses

The America's Cup is like driving your Lamborgini to the Gran Prix track to watch the charter buses race. By P. J. O'rourke America Cup Lamborgini Gran Prix

The only really good vegetable is Tabasco sauce. Put Tabasco sauce in everything. Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin. The next best vegetable is the jalapeno pepper. It has the virtue of turning salads into practical jokes. By P. J. O'rourke Tabasco Sauce Good Vegetable Put

When a couple decides to divorce, they should inform both sets of parents before having a party and telling all their friends. This is not only courteous but practical. Parents may be very willing to pitch in with comments, criticism, and malicious gossip of their own to help the divorce along. By P. J. O'rourke Friends Couple Decides Inform Sets

Jesse Jackson was spending time with his family, or families. By P. J. O'rourke Jackson Jesse Family Families Spending

Well the planet I've got a chance to visit is Earth, and Earth's principal features are chaos and war. I think I'd be a fool to spend years here and never have a look. By P. J. O'rourke Earth War Planet Chance Visit

The morning meal was served in traditional socialist fashion - very slowly, with the courses out of order so that the jelly arrived half an hour after the toast and the coffee didn't come until we'd called for the check. However, it was hard to be angry at a place that had ice cream, beer, and cigarettes on its breakfast menu. By P. J. O'rourke Fashion Slowly Check Morning Meal

If we're going to improve the environment, the first thing we should do is duck the government. The second thing we should do is quit being moral. Screw the rights of nature. Nature will have rights as soon as it get duties. The minute we see birds, trees, bugs, and squirrels picking up litter, giving money to charity, and keeping an eye on our kids at the park, we'll let them vote. By P. J. O'rourke Thing Environment Government Improve Duck

Children from the age of five to ten should watch more television. Television depicts adults as rotten SOB's given to fistfights, gunplay, and other mayhem. Kids who believe this about grownups aren't likely to argue about bedtime. By P. J. O'rourke Children Television Age Ten Watch

When you pay a hospital bill, you're really paying two hospital bills - one bill for you because you have a job and/or insurance and can pay the hospital. and another bill, which is tacked onto your bill, to cover the medical expenses of someone who doesn't have a job and/or insurance and can't pay the hospital. By P. J. O'rourke Hospital Job Insurance Pay Bill

New Hampshire polling data are unreliable because, when you call the Granite State's registered Republicans and independents in the middle of dinner and ask them who they're going to vote for, they have a mouth full of mashed potatoes and you can't understand what they say. By P. J. O'rourke Hampshire Granite State Republicans Polling

Crazy old people are our entire source of polling information. By P. J. O'rourke Crazy Information People Entire Source

The world is going to hell. All we can do is look good on the trip. By P. J. O'rourke Hell World Trip Good

A cocktail party is what you call it when you invite everyone you know to come over to your house at six p.m., put cigarettes out on your rug, and leave at eight to go somewhere more interesting for dinner without inviting you. By P. J. O'rourke Put Rug Cocktail Party Call

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. By P. J. O'rourke Boys Giving Money Power Government

The Bible is very clear about one thing: Using politics to create fairness is a sin. By P. J. O'rourke Bible Thing Sin Clear Politics

That is the really great thing about being an adult male, once you get married and have children the whole decision-making process is taken out of your hands, and I for one am extremely grateful. By P. J. O'rourke Male Hands Grateful Great Thing

Democrats are liberals, and - to their profound embarrassment - liberalism is an old, white European male political philosophy. Liberalism is based on the thought of John Locke, Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Thomas Paine, and - oh, the shame of it - slave-owning, woman-exploiting Thomas Jefferson. Liberalism is deeply confusing to liberals. America's first great liberal populist was Andrew Jackson, perpetrator of the genocidal Trail of Tears and annihilator of the Second Bank of the United States and hence of centralized economic control. (Sadly, Jackson put an end to the Second Bank of the United States before Hillary Clinton had a chance to claim large lecture fees for speaking to its executives.) Plus, liberalism is painfully unhip. Say "Great Society" to today's with-it young Democratic voters and they hear air quotes around the "Great." LBJ By P. J. O'rourke Liberalism European Thomas Great Bank

Fretting makes us important. Say you're an adult male and you're skipping down the street whistling "Last Train to Clarksville." People will call you a fool. But lean over to the person next to you on a subway and say, "How can you smile when innocents are dying in Tibet?" You'll acquire a reputation for great seriousness and also more room to sit down....Being gloomy is easier than being cheerful. Anybody can say "I've got cancer" and get a rise out of a crowd. But how many of us can do five minutes of good stand-up comedy? By P. J. O'rourke Fretting Important Makes Clarksville Train

I have been told by the third grade teacher that my daughter Poppet is reading at middle school level. Yet if I leave Poppet a note in block letters telling her to feed the dogs I will come home to find the dogs have been ... given a swim in the above-ground pool, dressed in tutus, provided with hair weaves. What I will not find is that the dogs have been fed. 'I thought you wanted me to free the dogs,' says Poppet whose school district is not spending quite what D.C.'s is, thanks to voter rejection of the last school bond referendum. By P. J. O'rourke Poppet Dogs Level School Told

Kabul is a walled city, which sounds romantic except the walls are pre-cast reinforced concrete blast barriers, 10 feet tall and 15 feet long and moved into place with cranes. The walls are topped with sandbags, and the sandbags are topped with guard posts from which gun barrels protrude. By P. J. O'rourke Feet Walls Kabul City Barriers

The number of American presidential candidates varies with the sunspot cycle and the phases of the moon. By P. J. O'rourke American Moon Number Presidential Candidates

There is the love and marriage and family kind of happiness, which is exceedingly boring to describe but nonetheless is important to have and dreadful not to have. By P. J. O'rourke Happiness Love Marriage Family Kind

The American Rebellion," about our founding fathers. Not till their foes were driven forth By England o'er the main - Not till the Frenchman from the North Had gone with shattered Spain; Not till the clean-swept oceans showed No hostile flag unrolled, Did they remember that they owed To Freedom - and were bold! By P. J. O'rourke Rebellion American Till Fathers Founding

It takes a lot of weapons to do good works (as Richard the Lionhearted could have told us). And this is not just a Somali problem. We have poverty and deprivation in our own country. Try standing unarmed on a street corner in Compton handing out twenty-dollar bills and see how long you last. By P. J. O'rourke Richard Lionhearted Works Lot Weapons

No government proposal more complicated than "This note is legal tender for all debts, public and private" ever works. By P. J. O'rourke Debts Public Private Works Government

As a longtime former resident of 15 years in Washington, I wish that everybody would stay off the Mall with their political cause so that we can get out there, you know, and play flag football or Frisbee, or walk the dog or something - you know, which is, you know, what the National Mall should be for, in my personal opinion. By P. J. O'rourke Mall Washington Frisbee National Years

At Epcot Center the Disney corporation has focused its attention on two things greatly in need of Disneyfication: the tedious future and the annoying whole wide world. By P. J. O'rourke Disneyfication Epcot Center Disney World

The Constitution is an equally forthright piece of work and quite succinct ... giving the complete operating instructions for a nation of 250 million people. The manual for a Toyota Camry, which only seats five, is four times as long. By P. J. O'rourke Constitution Succinct Equally Forthright Piece

It had never occurred to us that the Kremlin's new anti-booze campaign would apply to journalists. Now, that's a human-rights violation. By P. J. O'rourke Kremlin Journalists Occurred Antibooze Campaign

Remember that all tax revenue is the result of holding a gun to somebody's head. Not paying taxes is against the law. If you don't pay your taxes, you'll be fined. If you don't pay the fine, you'll be jailed. If you try to escape from jail, you'll be shot ... Therefore, every time the government spends money on anything, you have to ask yourself, 'Would I kill my kindly, gray-haired mother for this?' By P. J. O'rourke Remember Head Tax Revenue Result

Wearing a hat implies that you are bald if you are a man and that your hair is dirty if you are a woman. By P. J. O'rourke Wearing Woman Hat Implies Bald

There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon. By P. J. O'rourke People Terrifying Fact

Ann Coulter to me is someone who says things that I say all the time, but I say them at three in the morning when I'm drunk as a monkey. She says them at three in the afternoon stone sober in bright daylight. By P. J. O'rourke Coulter Ann Time Monkey Things

Political discourse has become so rotten that it's no longer possible to tell the stench of one presidential candidate from the stink of another. By P. J. O'rourke Political Discourse Rotten Longer Stench

A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something brussel sprouts never do. By P. J. O'rourke Money Fruit Vegetable Rot Wine

I'm not a tech-savvy parent. I communicate with my children via the old-media format called yelling. By P. J. O'rourke Parent Techsavvy Yelling Communicate Children

Our regulatory bodies strive to create honest dealings, fair trades, and a situation in which no one has an advantage over anyone else. But human beings aren't honest. And all trades are made because one person thinks he's getting the better of the other, and the other person thinks the same. By P. J. O'rourke Dealings Fair Honest Regulatory Bodies

The poor are an especially important resource for innovation when they have the bravery and pluck to get out of the poor places in which they're living. By P. J. O'rourke Poor Living Important Resource Innovation

The people I see on bicycles look like organic-gardening zealots who advocate federal regulation of bedtime and want American foreign policy to be dictated by UNICEF. These people should be confined. By P. J. O'rourke Unicef American People Bicycles Organicgardening

It is a popular delusion that the government wastes vast amounts of money through inefficiency and sloth. Enormous effort and elaborate planning are required to waste this much money. By P. J. O'rourke Sloth Money Popular Delusion Government

Bill Clinton is not a hypocrite. If a man believes that it is just and moral to redistribute wealth, there is nothing hypocritical in his attempts to redistribute some of that wealth to himself. By P. J. O'rourke Clinton Bill Hypocrite Redistribute Wealth

A U.S. dollar is an IOU from the Federal Reserve Bank. It's a promissory note that doesn't actually promise anything. It's not backed by gold or silver. By P. J. O'rourke Bank Iou Federal Reserve Dollar

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs. By P. J. O'rourke Humans Guppies Animals Children Purpose

And, by the way, how come all the people who were so in favor of unilateral nuclear disarmament are so opposed to unilateral protection against nukes? By P. J. O'rourke Nukes Unilateral People Favor Nuclear

The forces of safety are afoot in the land. I, for one, believe it is a conspiracy - a conspiracy of Safety Nazis shouting "Sieg Health" and seeking to trammel freedom, liberty, and large noisy parties. The Safety Nazis advocate gun control, vigorous exercise, and health foods. The result can only be a disarmed, exhausted, and half-starved population ready to acquiesce to dictatorship of some kind. By P. J. O'rourke Safety Nazis Land Health Sieg

Humor is a terrific tool for explaining things, especially when what you're explaining is frightening or dull and complicated. By P. J. O'rourke Humor Things Complicated Explaining Terrific

What use is it to endure the Dutch Rubs and Indian Rope Burns that are politics if you can't obtain mastery over people and give them noogies back? By P. J. O'rourke Dutch Rubs Indian Rope Burns

Iran and Iraq have been at war for five years now. The traditional present for a fifth anniversary is wood. Here's a gift suggestion: a big stick to beat some goddamned sense into their heads. By P. J. O'rourke Iraq Iran War Years Wood

Children live in the only successful Marxist state ever created: the family. 'From each according to his ability, to each according to his need' is the family's practice as well as its theory. Even with today's scattershot patterns of marriage and parenting, a family is collectivist to a more than North Korean degree. By P. J. O'rourke Marxist Family Children Created Live

Death is so important that God visited death upon his own son, thereby helping us learn right from wrong well enough that we may escape death forever and live eternally in God's grace. By P. J. O'rourke God Death Son Grace Important

Supposedly, summer vacation happens because that's when the kids are home from school, although having the kids home from school is no vacation. And supposedly the kids are home from school because of some vestigial throwback to our agricultural past. By P. J. O'rourke Kids Home School Vacation Summer

Funding for the original manned Voyager Mars Program was scratched in 1968, before humans had gotten out of Low Earth Orbit. Mid-'60s plans for a Venus fly-by with astronauts actually flying by it met the same fate. By P. J. O'rourke Orbit Voyager Mars Program Low

I just wasn't cut out to be a Chinese Tiger Mom. I'm more of an Irish Setter Dad. By P. J. O'rourke Mom Chinese Tiger Dad Cut

Wealth makes materialism easier to bear. By P. J. O'rourke Wealth Bear Makes Materialism Easier

Coffee and cigarettes are much better if you want an instant breakfast. By P. J. O'rourke Coffee Breakfast Cigarettes Instant

A lot of newspaper columns used to be written in a rat-a-tat-tat, fast-paced style - and they tended to be funny. They were a little relief from the grimmer, grayer parts of the newspaper, and one of the best people at doing this was Will Rogers. By P. J. O'rourke Fastpaced Style Funny Newspaper Lot

Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is. By P. J. O'rourke Fish Food Considered Spoiled Smells

The preamble to the Constitution states: "We, the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquillity, provide for the common defence, promote the general welfare ... " It doesn't say "guarantee the general welfare." And it certainly doesn't say "give welfare benefits to all the people in the country who aren't doing so well even if the reason they aren't doing so well is because they're sitting on their butts in front of the TV". By P. J. O'rourke States Union Justice Tranquillity Constitution

In comparative terms, there's no poverty in America by a long shot. Heritage Foundation political scientist Robert Rector has worked up figures showing that when the official U.S. measure of poverty was developed in 1963, a poor American family had an income twenty-nine times greater than the average per capita income in the rest of the world. An individual American could make more money than 93 percent of the other people on the planet and still be considered poor. By P. J. O'rourke America American Terms Shot Poverty

The great majority of Baghdad is a slum - a lot of it's new, but it's still slum. It's usually this concrete-block, one-room design with a door and a window, arranged one-up, one-down, often with a shop with nothing in it on the first floor, and then a one-room apartment above it. There's street after street after street of that stuff. By P. J. O'rourke Slum Baghdad Street Great Majority

Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals, when their cheery effect is needed. By P. J. O'rourke Christmas Send Funny Greeting Cards

When the government runs out of lenders, it can do something that households are forbidden to do: print money. By P. J. O'rourke Lenders Print Money Government Runs

Fiscal conservatism is just an easy way to express something that is a bit more difficult, which is that the size and scope of government, and really the size and scope of politics in our lives, has grown uncomfortable, unwieldy, intrusive and inefficient. By P. J. O'rourke Size Scope Unwieldy Fiscal Difficult

A girl who is really pretty - whether she wraps herself in an abayah, a nun's habit, or the front hall rug - never wraps herself so that the world can't tell. By P. J. O'rourke Wraps Pretty Abayah Habit Rug

Rich parents are famous both for miserliness and astonishing longevity. And, when they finally do die, you'll find they've left their estate in inviolate trust to the golden retrievers. By P. J. O'rourke Rich Longevity Parents Famous Miserliness

A penny will not buy a penny postcard or a penny whistle or a single piece of penny candy. It will not even, if you're managing the U.S. Mint, buy a penny. By P. J. O'rourke Penny Buy Candy Mint Postcard

I like Michael Moore, but I think of him more as a rabble-rouser. On his TV show, when he went to the home of the guy who invented the car alarm and set off all the car alarms on the block ... pretty funny. By P. J. O'rourke Moore Michael Rabblerouser Car Show

Even I realized that money was to politicians what the eucalyptus tree is to koala bears: food, water, shelter, and something to crap on. By P. J. O'rourke Food Water Shelter Bears Realized

The Arab peoples possess an ancient and highly developed civilization that is in many ways more sophisticated than our own. For instance, they invented algebra. And this is why we have to go to war with Saddam Hussein this minute and bomb the shish kebab out of him before he invents trig and chemistry and the whole of America flunks high school. By P. J. O'rourke Arab Peoples Possess Ancient Highly

Maybe climate change is a threat, and maybe climate change has been tarted up by climatologists trolling for research grant cash. It doesn't matter. By P. J. O'rourke Climate Change Threat Cash Tarted

In Hong Kong there is agglomeration beyond my fondest imaginings. The Kowloon district claims a population density four times that of New York City. By P. J. O'rourke Hong Kong Imaginings City Agglomeration

Think of what big governments have gotten up to in this century : not one, but two world wars, the gulag, the holocaust, aerial bombing of civilian population centers, the Berlin Wall, nuclear explosions, the post office. A wicked individual might want these, but he wouldn't have the cash and connections to get them. A villainous corporation could afford them but has to market the products. The Vietnam draft would be a tough sell for even the most fiendish businessmen. "Get shot! Get killed! Get diseases from foreign women who despise you in their hearts!" By P. J. O'rourke Wall Berlin Century Wars Gulag

We have no one to blame for the Kennedys but ourselves. We took the Kennedys to heart of our own accord. And it is my opinion that we did it not because we respected them or thought what they proposed was good, but because they were pretty. We, the electorate, were smitten by this handsome, vivacious family ... We wanted to hug their golden tousled heads to our dumpy breasts. By P. J. O'rourke Kennedys Blame Accord Heart Good

Disney's Tomorrowland is deeply, thoroughly, almost furiously unimaginative. By P. J. O'rourke Tomorrowland Disney Deeply Unimaginative Furiously

There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them. By P. J. O'rourke Christmastime Remarkable Breakdown Taste Intelligence

There are artists with palettes and easels selling the kind of modern art that Soviet art critics used to critique with bulldozers. Judging by the paintings I saw, the Soviets were right the first time. By P. J. O'rourke Art Bulldozers Artists Palettes Easels

Every vote should carry a serial number, so that responsibility for harmful or careless use of the vote can be traced. Concealed voting should be outlawed. By P. J. O'rourke Number Traced Vote Carry Serial

The whole melodrama of the Middle East would be improved if amnesia were as common here as it is in melodramatic plots. By P. J. O'rourke Middle East Plots Melodrama Improved

Politics is the art of achieving prestige and power without merit. By P. J. O'rourke Politics Merit Art Achieving Prestige

Disney's House of the Future had the clean simplicity prized in the 1950s as relief from decades of frayed patchwork, jury-rigging, and make-do clutter caused by Depression and war. By P. J. O'rourke Juryrigging House Future Depression Disney

Passover is my idea of a perfect holiday. Dear God, when you're handing out plagues of darkness, locusts, hail, boils, flies, lice, frogs, and cattle murrain, and turning the Nile to blood and smiting the firstborn, give me a pass. And tell me when it's over. By P. J. O'rourke Passover Holiday Idea Perfect God

Wealth is, for most people, the only honest and likely path to liberty. With money comes power over the world. Men are freed from drudgery, women from exploitation. Businesses can be started, homes built, communities formed, religions practiced, educations pursued. But liberals aren't very interested in such real and material freedoms. They have a more innocent - not to say toddlerlike - idea of freedom. Liberals want the freedom to put anything into their mouths, to say bad words and to expose their private parts in art museums. By P. J. O'rourke Wealth People Liberty Honest Path

War will exist as long as there's a food chain. By P. J. O'rourke War Chain Exist Long Food

I realised the bohemian life was not for me. I would look around at my friends, living like starving artists, and wonder, 'Where's the art?' They weren't doing anything. And there was so much interesting stuff to do, so much fun to be had ... maybe I could even quit renting. By P. J. O'rourke Realised Bohemian Life Friends Living

When a government controls both the economic power of individuals and the coercive power of the state ... this violates a fundamental rule of happy living: Never let the people with all the money and the people with all the guns be the same people. By P. J. O'rourke Power People State Government Controls

Mao asks Zhou Enlai and Deng Xiaoping, "How do you get a cat to bite a hot pepper?" Zhou says, "You hold him down, pry his jaws open, and shove the pepper into his mouth." Mao says, "No, that's force. We want the cat to bite the pepper of his own free will." Deng says, "You take the pepper, wrap it in a delicious piece of fish, and, before he knows it, the cat has bitten the pepper." Mao says, "No, that's trickery. We want the cat to know he's biting the pepper." Zhou and Deng say, "We give up. How do you make a cat bite a hot pepper?" "It's easy," Mao says. "Stick the pepper up the cat's ass. He'll be glad to bite it. By P. J. O'rourke Pepper Xiaoping Cat Mao Enlai

Some jobs are worse than actual wives. Ad agency vs. Matrimony, for instance: Even the most capricious and demanding spouse is not going to divorce you for refusing to spend forty hours a week making up lies about toilet paper. By P. J. O'rourke Wives Matrimony Jobs Worse Actual

In general, life is better than it has ever been, and if you think that, in the past, there was some golden age of pleasure and plenty to which you would, if you were able, transport yourself, let me say one single word : Dentistry. By P. J. O'rourke Dentistry General Life Past Transport

Obama, in pursuit of power, has been as greedy and irresponsible as any Wall Street tycoon in pursuit of money. By P. J. O'rourke Obama Pursuit Wall Street Power

Cats are to dogs what modern people are to the people we used to have. Cats are slimmer, cleaner, more attractive, disloyal, and lazy. It's easy to understand why the cat has eclipsed the dog as modern America's favorite poet. People like poets to possess the same qualities they do. By P. J. O'rourke People Cats Modern America Cleaner

The real slums are another matter. The bad parts of Tondo are as bad as any place I've seen, ancient, filthy houses swarmed with the poor and stinking of sewage and trash. But there are worse parts - squatter areas where people live under cardboard, in shipping crates, behind tacked-up newspapers. Dad would march you straight to the basement with a hairbrush in his hand if he caught you keeping your hamster cage like this. By P. J. O'rourke Matter Real Slums Bad Parts

The Republican convention, an event with the intellectual content of a Guns'n'Roses lyric attended by every ofay insurance brokerin America who owns a pair of white shoes. By P. J. O'rourke Republican America Convention Lyric Shoes

I am no stranger to loud music. I've been to a Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels concert. I once dated a woman with two kids. By P. J. O'rourke Music Stranger Loud Mitch Ryder

And worrying is less work than doing something to fix the worry. This is especially true if we're careful to pick the biggest possible problems to worry about. Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody want to help Mom do the dishes. By P. J. O'rourke Worry Worrying Work Fix Mom

I've only been to New Zealand once, about 1989. It was incredibly beautiful, kind of like the ideal of where I live in New England - all that and then some - but I can't say I was there long enough to get any very clear idea. By P. J. O'rourke Zealand England Beautiful Kind Idea

I like making things. I have a wood shop at home. I am a terrible carpenter but I love doing it. By P. J. O'rourke Things Making Home Wood Shop

You can keep the dining room clean by eating in the kitchen. By P. J. O'rourke Kitchen Dining Room Clean Eating

The baby boomers' politics have covered a wide band of silliness, from the Weather Underground to the Timothy McVeigh types. The great majority of us are well in the middle of that spectrum, but still, there's been both leftie silliness and right-wing silliness. By P. J. O'rourke Weather Underground Timothy Silliness Types

Even a band of angels can turn ugly and start looting if enough angels are unemployed and hanging around the Pearly Gates convinced that all the succubi own all the liquor stores in Heaven. By P. J. O'rourke Heaven Pearly Gates Angels Band

Our democracy, our culture, our whole way of life is a spectacular triumph of the blah. Why not have a political convention without politics to nominate a leader who's out in front of nobody? Maybe our national mindlessness is the very thing that keeps us from turning into one of those smelly European countries full of pseudo-reds and crypto-fascists and greens who dress like forest elves. By P. J. O'rourke Democracy Culture Blah Life Spectacular

The great apologist has to have lived large and wild. If he's going to kiss the world's boo-boos and make up, he'd better plant some bruises first. A master apologizer has to be a Lord Byron, a Rick in Casablanca, a Lee Atwater, anyway. By P. J. O'rourke Wild Great Apologist Lived Large

The purpose of the Senate is to keep 100 middle aged knuckleheads out of the private sector where they can do real harm. By P. J. O'rourke Senate Middle Harm Purpose Aged

Schneider has made a career of telling the public that the climate is going to change drastically, and indeed every spring and fall he's been right. By P. J. O'rourke Schneider Drastically Made Career Telling

Liberals are always proposing perfectly insane ideas, laws that will make everybody happy, laws that will make everything right, make us live forever, and all be rich. Conservatives are never that stupid. By P. J. O'rourke Laws Make Liberals Ideas Happy

America is not a wily, sneaky nation. We don't think that way. We don't think much at all, thank God. By P. J. O'rourke America Wily Sneaky Nation God

Why do elites hate the poor? It's xenophobia. They don't know any poor people - except their off-the-books Brazilian nanny and illegal immigrant cleaning lady from Upper Revolta who don't speak English. By P. J. O'rourke Elites Hate Poor Brazilian English

There's a current notion that you should "take charge of your disease." No thanks. I'm busy. I've got cancer. I'm willing to face having cancer. I'm not willing to face having cancer with homework. I promised Dr. Pipas and Dr. Zaki that I wouldn't show up with sheaves of printouts from the Internet containing everything on Wikipedia on malignancies. They each laughed with detectable notes of relief. Although I suspect my wife has made her way into the health blog ether. Fish oil pills, raw kelp, and other untoward substances started showing up on dinner plates after I was diagnosed. By P. J. O'rourke Disease Cancer Current Notion Charge

If you ask the government to solve all of your problems, it's a bit like asking your wife to cook and clean, to raise the children, to hold down a second job to help with the family finances, to keep her parents happy and well and keep your parents happy and well, and to also - to do the lawn and clean the gutters. By P. J. O'rourke Happy Clean Parents Problems Children

My Grandmother wouldn't even speak the word Democrat if there were children in the room, she'd say Bastards instead. By P. J. O'rourke Grandmother Democrat Bastards Room Speak

People say, 'Oh, politics is so polarized today,' and I'm thinking ... '1861, that was polarized.' By P. J. O'rourke People Politics Today Thinking Polarized

If Disney still wants to make Epcot Center futuristic, they could do so by blowing the place up with an atom bomb. By P. J. O'rourke Disney Epcot Center Futuristic Bomb

If the wind is blowing like stink and everything is working right, a twelve-meter sailboat can go eleven and a half or twelve miles an hour, the same speed at which a bond lawyer runs around the Cental Park Reservoir. By P. J. O'rourke Reservoir Cental Park Hour Wind

I've been a New Yorker for ten years, and the only people who are nice to us turn out to be Moonies. By P. J. O'rourke Moonies Yorker Years Ten People

America's public schools have served their purpose. Free and compulsory education was good for a somewhat unpromising young nation. By P. J. O'rourke America Purpose Public Schools Served

Iraq's invasion of Kuwait is a case of bad men doing wrong things for wicked reasons. This is the full-sized or standard purebred evil and is easily recognized even by moral neophytes. Other malignities-drugs in America, famine in Africa and everything in the Middle East-are more complex. When combating those evils people sometimes have trouble deciding whom to shoot. By P. J. O'rourke Kuwait Iraq Reasons Invasion Case

Marijuana is self-punishing. It makes you acutely sensitive, and in this world, what worse punishment could there be? By P. J. O'rourke Marijuana Selfpunishing Sensitive World Makes

There are two factors in American politics that may seem strange to Europeans: race and religion. By P. J. O'rourke Europeans American Race Religion Factors

I'd like to end the book a lot of ways. Except I don't have any answers. Use your common sense. Be nice. This is the best I can do. All the trouble in the world is human trouble. Well, that's not true. But when cancer cells run amok and burst out of the prostate and take over the liver and lymph glands and end up killing everything in the body including themselves, they certainly are acting like some humans we know. By P. J. O'rourke Book Lot End Trouble Answers

Any person who has spent time outdoors actually doing something, such as hunting and fishing as opposed to standing there with a doobie in his mouth, knows nature is not intrinsically healthy. By P. J. O'rourke Mouth Healthy Person Spent Time

In the Third World, honk your horn only under the following circumstances: 1. When anything blocks the road. 2. When anything doesn't. 3. When anything might. 4. At red lights. 5. At green lights. 6. At all other times. By P. J. O'rourke World Honk Circumstances Horn Lights

Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there. By P. J. O'rourke Bright Feeling Side Catastrophe Good

Politicians are always interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs. By P. J. O'rourke Politicians People Interested Virtue Fleas

Health care is too expensive, so the Clinton administration is putting a high-powered coporate lawyer - Hillary - in charge of making it cheaper. (This is what I always do when I want to spend less money - hire a lawyer from Yale.) If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. By P. J. O'rourke Hillary Clinton Cheaper Care Lawyer

El Salvador has the scenery of northern California and the climate of southern California plus - and this was a relief - no Californians. By P. J. O'rourke Californians California Salvador Relief Scenery

As I get older, all sorts of things become less funny. Once one has children, any cruelty involving children becomes far less amusing than when one was at the mercy of one's friends' and relatives' children. By P. J. O'rourke Older Funny Children Sorts Things

There's a joke people tell in the Soviet Union: Mitterrand, Bush and Gorbachev have a meeting with God. Mitterrand says, 'My country faces many difficult problems-- lagging exports, Muslim minorities, European unification. How long will it be before France's problems are solved?' God says, 'Fifteen years.' Mitterrand begins to cry. 'I'm an old man,' says Mitterrand. 'I'll be dead by then. I'll never see France's problems solved.' Then Bush says, 'My country faces many difficult problems-- recession, crime, racial prejudice. How long will it be before America's problems are solved?' God says, 'Ten years.' Bush begins to cry. 'I'm an old man,' says Bush. 'I'll be out of office by then. I won't get any credit for solving America's problems.' Then Gorbachev says, 'My country faces many, many difficult problems. How long will it be before the Soviet Union's problems are solved?' God begins to cry. By P. J. O'rourke Problems Mitterrand Bush Solved God

The complexity of economics can be calculated mathematically. Write out the algebraic equation that is the human heart and multiply each unknown by the population of the world. By P. J. O'rourke Mathematically Complexity Economics Calculated Write

Something that confirms all fears and many conspiracy theories about government is finding out what our elected representatives would put into law if they could. By P. J. O'rourke Confirms Fears Conspiracy Theories Government

I come from Toledo, Ohio, a town that has been hurt badly by the shift of the automobile business towards Japan. And yet I remember how the car workers lived in the neighborhood that I grew up in. My father was a car salesman, and I remember how we lived. I remember how modestly we lived. By P. J. O'rourke Ohio Toledo Japan Remember Lived

Nor should a man necessarily hold a door for a woman, unless it is a revolving door. It's not good manners to hold a revolving door, but it is lots of fun when other people are trapped inside. By P. J. O'rourke Door Revolving Hold Woman Man

To really enjoy drugs you've got to want to get out of where you are. But there are some wheres that are harder to get out of than others. This is the drug-taking problem for adults. Teenage Weltscbmerz is easy to escape. But what drug will get a grown-up out of, for instance, debt? By P. J. O'rourke Enjoy Weltscbmerz Harder Debt Adults

I'm too tough and sensitive to have to have some pubescent twerp with his mom's earring in his tongue, who combs his hair with Redi-Whip and has an Ani DiFranco tattoo on his shin, come show me how a computer works. By P. J. O'rourke Ani Tongue Shin Works Tough

Smoking is very bad for you and should only be done because it looks so good. People who don't smoke have a terrible time finding something polite to do with their lips. By P. J. O'rourke Smoking Good Bad People Lips

Like it or not, I've come to appreciate soccer. Any kid can play, which fits with the inclusive agenda of progressive schools. Although the corollary to 'any kid can play' is that every kid must play because there is an iron grip to the warm hug of progressive inclusionism. By P. J. O'rourke Soccer Kid Play Progressive Schools

The day was warm and clear. Kids were playing soccer in the parking lots and women were sunning their babies and having their tea all over the lawns. The scene was entirely too cheery for journalism. By P. J. O'rourke Clear Day Warm Kids Lawns

Politicians will talk strategy and tactics and policies and programs until they're blue in the face, or you strangle them and they turn blue. By P. J. O'rourke Blue Politicians Face Talk Strategy

When government does, occasionally, work, it works in an elitist fashion. That is, government is most easily manipulated by people who have money and power already. This is why government benefits usually go to people who don't need benefits from government. Government may make some environmental improvements, but these will be improvements for rich bird-watchers. And no one in government will remember that when poor people go bird-watching they do it at Kentucky Fried Chicken. By P. J. O'rourke Government Occasionally People Fashion Work

Oh, God. The Sixties are coming back. Well I've got a 12-gauge double-barreled duck gun chambered for three-inch Magnum shells. And - speaking strictly for this retired hippie and former pinko beatnik - if the Sixties head my way, they won't get past the porch steps. They will be history. Which, for chrissakes, is what they're supposed to be. By P. J. O'rourke God Sixties Magnum Back Doublebarreled

We will win an election when all the seats in the House and Senate and the chair behind the desk in the Oval Office and the whole bench of the Supreme Court are filled with people who wish they weren't there. By P. J. O'rourke House Senate Oval Office Supreme

Finland is a rich country. What have they got? They got Nokia phones and plywood. How'd they get so rich? Because they're free. By P. J. O'rourke Finland Country Rich Nokia Plywood

Will Generation X and the Millennials do a better job running the world than the boomers have? Let's hope so. By P. J. O'rourke Generation Millennials Job Running World

The job of the president of the United States is to talk to the public, is to explain to them. Now, some presidents talk too much, like Bill Clinton. Some presidents try to talk but don't know how, like George Bush senior. By P. J. O'rourke United States Talk Public Presidents

Imagine if all of life were determined by majority rule. Every meal would be a pizza. Every pair of pants, even those in a Brooks Brothers suit, would be stone-washed denim. Celebrity diet and exercise books would be the only thing on the shelves at the library. And - since women are a majority of the population - we'd all be married to Mel Gibson. By P. J. O'rourke Imagine Rule Life Determined Majority

With Epcot Center, the Disney corporation has accomplished something I didn't think possible in today's world. They have created a land of make-believe that's worse than regular life. By P. J. O'rourke Center Epcot Disney World Corporation

A firm, hearty handshake gives a good first impression, and you'll never be forgiven if you don't live up to it. By P. J. O'rourke Firm Hearty Impression Handshake Good

The Tenth Commandment sends a message to socialists, to collectivists, to people who believe that wealth is best obtained by redistribution, and that message is clear and concise ... Egalitarianism is sinful; it's also cowardly. By P. J. O'rourke Tenth Commandment Message Socialists Collectivists

Writing this book required an enormous amount of help from friends. To them goes the credit. I'll take the money. By P. J. O'rourke Writing Friends Book Required Enormous

B students work for C students. A students teach. By P. J. O'rourke Students Work Teach

How much fame, money and power does a woman have to achieve on her own before you can punch her in the face? By P. J. O'rourke Fame Money Face Power Woman

Fishing is a sport invented by insects and you are the bait. By P. J. O'rourke Fishing Bait Sport Invented Insects

The Theory of Surplus Value means that anytime you hire someone, you are exploiting him. If you pay someone to fix your automobile, he has the right, by virtue of being your mechanic, to steal your car. By P. J. O'rourke Theory Surplus Anytime Hire Exploiting

I like to do my principal research in bars, where people are more likely to tell the truth or, at least, lie less convincingly than they do in briefings and books. By P. J. O'rourke Bars Lie Books Principal Research

Corporate corruption has ecological merits. It's helping to preserve that species known as Democrats - thought to be endangered as recently as the year 2000. By P. J. O'rourke Corporate Merits Corruption Ecological Democrats

Ending wars is very simple if you surrender. By P. J. O'rourke Ending Surrender Wars Simple

Farm policy, although it's complex, can be explained. What it can't be is believed. No cheating spouse, no teen with a wrecked family car, no mayor of Washington, D.C., videotaped in flagrante delicto has ever come up with anything as farfetched as U.S. farm policy. By P. J. O'rourke Farm Policy Complex Explained Washington

When you're a war correspondent, the reader is for you because the reader is saying, 'Gee, I wouldn't want to be doing that.' They're on your side. By P. J. O'rourke Gee Reader Correspondent War Side

Everything on a boat has a different name than it would have if it weren't on a boat. Either this is ancient seafaring tradition or it's how people who mess around with boats try to impress the rest of us who actually finished college. By P. J. O'rourke Boat College Boats Ancient Seafaring

I suspect the soviets never did want to use those bombs. The most Stalinist of Soviet hard-liners - Stalin, for example - must have realized a nuclear war would be a hard thing to clean up after. By P. J. O'rourke Stalin Bombs Suspect Stalinist Soviets

I've got a 1990 Porsche 911. It's just a Carrera, a very simple, straightforward little thing that goes like stink. I love it. By P. J. O'rourke Porsche Carrera Simple Straightforward Stink

My whole family can talk. They are all car salesmen. They are all funny. By P. J. O'rourke Talk Family Salesmen Funny Car

You're not a baby boomer if you don't have a visceral recollection of a Kennedy and a King assassination, a Beatles breakup, a U.S. defeat in Vietnam, and a Watergate. By P. J. O'rourke Vietnam Watergate Kennedy King Beatles

France in August when you can travel through the entire country without encountering a single pesky Frenchman or being bothered with anything that's open for business. By P. J. O'rourke August Frenchman France Business Travel

It was to be a short visit for the G-shevs. More than four days in the U.S. and Raisa's VISA card bill would shatter the fragile Soviet economy. By P. J. O'rourke Gshevs Short Visit Raisa Visa

Then there's politics. Just imagine politics with its dumbbell element subtracted. There would be no Republican candidates. There would be no Democratic voters. The whole system would collapse. By P. J. O'rourke Politics Republican Democratic Subtracted Candidates

What would annoy the most people most often? That is the true left-wing test of government intervention. By P. J. O'rourke Annoy People Intervention True Leftwing

So-called Western Civilization, as practised in half of Europe, some of Asia and a few parts of North America, is better than anything else available. Western civilization not only provides a bit of life, a pinch of liberty and the occasional pursuance of happiness, it's also the only thing that's ever tried to. Our civilization is the first in history to show even the slightest concern for average, undistinguished, none-too-commendable people like us. By P. J. O'rourke Europe America Asia North Civilization

The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. By P. J. O'rourke Baltimore French Smallish Monkeylooking Average

There are a number of Americans who shouldn't vote. The number is 57 percent, to judge by the combined total of Clinton and Perot ballots in the 1996 presidential election. By P. J. O'rourke Americans Vote Number Percent Clinton

The key ingredient of politics is the idea that all of society's ills can be cured politically. It's like a cookbook where the recipe for everything is to fry it. The fruit cocktail is fried. By P. J. O'rourke Politically Key Ingredient Politics Idea

They are just really stupid people in Hollywood. You write them a script, and they say they love it, they absolutely love it. Then they say, 'But doesn't it need a small dog, and an Eskimo, and shouldn't it be set in New Guinea?' And you say, 'But it is a sophisticated romantic comedy set in Paris.' By P. J. O'rourke Hollywood Stupid People Love Set

Some day you will be wheeled in for a heart bypass operation, and a surgeon will be the person who is now behind the counter when you renew your car registration at the department of motor vehicles. By P. J. O'rourke Operation Vehicles Day Wheeled Heart

I think every high school student who was alert during the early '60s got very embittered by the slow progress and the violence surrounding the Civil Rights Movement. By P. J. O'rourke Movement Civil Early High School

Rich white Protestant men have held on to some measure of power in America almost solely by getting women, blacks, and other disadvantaged groups to wear crippling foot fashions. This keeps them too busy with corns and bunions to compete in the job market. By P. J. O'rourke Blacks Protestant America Rich Women

Never serve oysters in a month that has no paycheck in it. By P. J. O'rourke Serve Oysters Month Paycheck

Mankind has invested more than four million years of evolution in the attempt to avoid physical exertion. Now a group of backward-thinking atavists mounted on foot-powered pairs of Hula-Hoops would have us pumping our legs, gritting our teeth, and searing our lungs as though we were being chased across the Pleistocene savanna by saber-toothed tigers. Think of the hopes, the dreams, the effort, the brilliance, the pure force of will that, over the eons, has gone into the creation of the Cadillac Coupe de Ville. Bicycle riders would have us throw all this on the ash heap of history. By P. J. O'rourke Mankind Exertion Invested Million Years

Bachelors know all about parties. In fact, a good bachelor is a living, breathing party all by himself. At least that is what my girlfriend said when she found the gin bottles under the couch. I believe her exact words were, "You're a disgusting, drunken mess." And that's a good description of a party, if it's done right. By P. J. O'rourke Parties Good Party Bachelors Bachelor

I have never been to a museum in Hong Kong, or a movie or a play. I've never gone club-hopping. I've never taken the tram to Victoria Peak. By P. J. O'rourke Kong Hong Play Museum Movie

The American political system is like fast food - mushy, insipid, made out of disgusting parts of things and everybody wants some. By P. J. O'rourke Mushy Insipid American Food Made

Zero-sum thinking is a name for envy. Ovid, in his Metamorphoses, gives an apt description of the "House of Envy" (as a poet in that most zero-sum of political systems, the Roman empire, might): "Envy within, busy at the meal of snake's flesh... her tongue dripped venom. Only the sight of suffering could bring a smile to her lips. She never knew the comfort of sleep, but... looked with dismay on men's good fortune... She could hardly refrain from weeping when she saw no cause for tears." I didn't know Hillary Clinton's involvement in politics dated back to the reign of Augustus. Then By P. J. O'rourke Envy Zerosum Thinking Metamorphoses House

Children must be considered in a divorce considered valuable pawns in the nasty legal and financial contest that is about to ensue. By P. J. O'rourke Children Ensue Considered Divorce Valuable

I'm fascinated by political enthusiasm. By P. J. O'rourke Enthusiasm Fascinated Political

We are a nation that worships speed and power. And for good reason. Without power we would still be part of England and everybody would be out of work ... Bicycles are too slow and impuissant for a nation like ours. They belong in Czechoslovakia. By P. J. O'rourke Worships Speed Nation Power England

What Enron was doing, what caused investors to embrace it in a rapture of baffled awe, was hiding debt. By P. J. O'rourke Enron Awe Debt Caused Investors

Social Security is a government program with a constituency made up of the old, the near old and those who hope or fear to grow old. After 215 years of trying, we have finally discovered a special interest that includes 100 percent of the population. Now we can vote ourselves rich. By P. J. O'rourke Security Social Government Program Constituency

Wealth is not a pizza, where if I have too many slices you have to eat the Domino's box. By P. J. O'rourke Domino Wealth Pizza Box Slices

President Clinton commenced the blathering with orotund By P. J. O'rourke Clinton President Orotund Commenced Blathering

This country was founded by religious nuts with guns. By P. J. O'rourke Guns Country Founded Religious Nuts

A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too. By P. J. O'rourke Relative Famous Quiet Tasteful

No industry in living memory has collapsed faster than daily print journalism. By P. J. O'rourke Journalism Industry Living Memory Collapsed

The idea of a news broadcast once was to find someone with information and broadcast it. The idea now is to find someone with ignorance and spread it around. By P. J. O'rourke Find Broadcast Idea Information Ignorance

The people who despise America are the editors of the 'New Statesman.' Their green-card applications must have been turned down. By P. J. O'rourke Statesman America People Despise Editors

I like to argue with the radio. By P. J. O'rourke Radio Argue

I look around my house, and everything except the kids and dogs was made in China. And I'm not sure about the kids. They have brown eyes and small noses. By P. J. O'rourke China House Kids Dogs Made

Democrats hate Democrats most of all. By P. J. O'rourke Democrats Hate

Agriculture is a business that has been up to its bib overalls in politics since the first Thanksgiving dinner kickback to the Indians for subsidizing Pilgrim maize production with fish head fertilizer grants. By P. J. O'rourke Thanksgiving Indians Pilgrim Agriculture Grants

There are no kinder or better people in the world than those who listen to you when you are 18. By P. J. O'rourke Kinder People World Listen

The problem with public school is not overcrowding in the classroom. The problem is not teacher unions. The problem is not underfunding or lack of computer equipment. The problem is your damn kids. By P. J. O'rourke Problem Classroom Public School Overcrowding

President Obama has contempt for real money. By P. J. O'rourke Obama President Money Contempt Real

Democrats hate success. By P. J. O'rourke Democrats Success Hate

Democrats hate America being a world power because world power gives power to the nation instead of to Democrats. By P. J. O'rourke Democrats Power America World Hate

Taxi drivers all over the world, by the way, are under Newspaper Guild contract to give easy quotes to foreign correspondents. By P. J. O'rourke Newspaper Guild Taxi World Correspondents

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope. By P. J. O'rourke Christians Making Scope Fun Bornagain

I usually agree with Rush Limbaugh; therefore I usually don't listen to him. By P. J. O'rourke Limbaugh Rush Agree Listen

Commies love concrete. By P. J. O'rourke Commies Concrete Love

Maybe a nation that consumes as much booze and dope as we do and has our kind of divorce statistics should pipe down about "character issues." By P. J. O'rourke Character Issues Nation Consumes Booze

There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences. By P. J. O'rourke Basic Human Damn Duty Consequences

This is the most elaborate and luxurious method of convincing others that you can cook. Take everybody out on your yacht until they're green in the face. Then you can rave for weeks about your sauce marinara and no one will gainsay you.. By P. J. O'rourke Cook Elaborate Luxurious Method Convincing

Never strike anyone so old, small or weak that verbal abuse would have sufficed. By P. J. O'rourke Small Sufficed Strike Weak Verbal

If I were a congressman who had voted for the American Jobs Creation Act of 2004, I'd claim it was forced on our country by a sinister international organization. By P. J. O'rourke American Jobs Creation Act Organization

Think what evil creeps liberals would be if their plans to enfeeble the individual, exhaust the economy, impede the rule of law, and cripple national defense were guided by a coherent ideology instead of smug ignorance. By P. J. O'rourke Individual Exhaust Economy Impede Law

The main reason to be opposed to political control of smoking is to keep power -even the smallest and silliest kind of power - out of the hands of ... members of a dangerous class -the class that knows what's good for us better than we do. By P. J. O'rourke Power Main Reason Opposed Political

What Alexander Graham Bell thought up occupied less space than a flower vase. Now it's so small that I have to search all my pockets to discover I've received a spam text. By P. J. O'rourke Alexander Graham Bell Vase Thought

The idea of capitalism is not just success but also the failure that allows success to happen. By P. J. O'rourke Happen Success Idea Capitalism Failure

Creative writing teachers should be purged until every last instructor who has uttered the words 'Write what you know' is confined to a labor camp. Please, talented scribblers, write what you don't. The blind guy with the funny little harp who composed The Iliad, how much combat do you think he saw? By P. J. O'rourke Write Creative Words Camp Writing

People are not ants or bees. We do not reason or love or live or die collectively. By P. J. O'rourke People Bees Ants Collectively Reason

Not being a liberal, I have very little grasp of things that I know nothing about. By P. J. O'rourke Liberal Grasp Things

If you talk to most businessmen, they'll say that what they do is for the public good, but you know they're just greedy, and consumers are just consuming for the sake of their own greed. By P. J. O'rourke Businessmen Good Greedy Greed Talk

Popular culture has become engorged, broadening and thickening until it's the only culture anyone notices. By P. J. O'rourke Popular Engorged Broadening Notices Culture

You can't get good chinese takeout in China and cuban cigars are rationed in Cuba. That's all you need to know about communism. By P. J. O'rourke Cuba China Good Chinese Takeout

Some taxpayers may object to a print journalism bailout on the grounds that it mostly benefits the liberal elite. And we can't blame taxpayers for being reluctant to subsidize the reportorial careers of J-school twerps who should have joined the Peace Corps and gone to Africa to 'speak truth to power' to Robert Mugabe. By P. J. O'rourke Elite Taxpayers Object Print Journalism

Germans respond well to lies. At least, they always have historically. By P. J. O'rourke Germans Lies Respond Historically

America is the world's policeman, all right a big, dumb, mick flatfoot in the middle of the one thing cops dread most, a domestic disturbance. By P. J. O'rourke Dumb America Policeman Big Mick

Imagine a weight-loss program at the end of which, instead of better health, good looks, and hot romantic prospects, you die. Somalia had become just this kind of spa. By P. J. O'rourke Imagine Health Good Prospects Die

It remains to be seen which program will cause greater societal damage: China's one-child policy or America's one-parent policy. By P. J. O'rourke China America Damage Policy Remains

Poverty can't be eliminated by punishing people who've escaped poverty. By P. J. O'rourke Poverty Eliminated Punishing People Escaped

Lust, Pride, Sloth, and Gluttony, or, as we call them these days, "getting in touch with your sexuality," "raising your self-esteem," "relaxation therapy," and "being a recovered bulimic." By P. J. O'rourke Pride Sloth Lust Gluttony Days

I spend my days kneeling in the muck of language, feeling around for gooey verbs, nouns, and modifiers that I can squash together to make a blob of a sentence that bears some likeness to reason and sense. By P. J. O'rourke Nouns Language Feeling Verbs Sense

Preachers at black churches are the last people left in the English-speaking world who know the schemes and tropes of classical rhetoric: parallelism, antithesis, epistrophe, synecdoche, metonymy, periphrasis, litotes - the whole bag of tricks. By P. J. O'rourke Parallelism Antithesis Epistrophe Synecdoche Metonymy

Now majority rule is a precious, sacred thing worth dying for. But like other precious, sacred things ... it's not only worth dying for; it can make you wish you were dead. Imagine if all life were determined by majority rule. Every meal would be a pizza. By P. J. O'rourke Sacred Precious Dying Worth Majority

Global warming is a fact. Now it's up to liberals to make it a reality. Hence there is crucial importance in preventing powerful, greedy free market forces from getting in the way of worsening storms and rising sea levels. The Kyoto Accord is a good first step. By P. J. O'rourke Global Fact Warming Reality Kyoto

Demolishing pretensions, especially worthy ones, is a hallmark of the baby boom. By P. J. O'rourke Demolishing Pretensions Boom Worthy Hallmark

When Adam Smith was being incomprehensible, he didn't have the luxury of brief, snappy technical terms as a shorthand for incoherence. By P. J. O'rourke Adam Smith Incomprehensible Snappy Incoherence

[We're] told cars cause pollution. A 100 years ago city streets were ankle deep in horse excrement. What kind of pollution do you want? Would you rather die of cancer at eighty or typhoid fever at nine? By P. J. O'rourke Told Cars Pollution Years Excrement

Kuwait City is not gorgeous, actually, but it's got a kind of Epcot Center thing going for it. It's not pretty. But it's striking, I'll give it that. It's not as over-the-top as Abu Dhabi or Dubai. But nearly. By P. J. O'rourke City Epcot Center Kuwait Gorgeous

Dates used to be made days or even weeks in advance. Now dates tend to be made the day after. That is, you get a phone call from someone who says, "If anyone asks, I was out to dinner with you last night, okay?" By P. J. O'rourke Advance Made Dates Weeks Days

I understand Twitter has become popular among politicians. This technology allows them to stay in perpetual contact with their constituents. The electorate now has instant information about what politicians have been up to. By P. J. O'rourke Twitter Understand Popular Politicians Constituents

When you think of the good old days, think one word: dentistry. By P. J. O'rourke Dentistry Days Word Good

Adam Smith is misread as being amoral precisely because people don't read his first book, because they don't read 'The Theory of Moral Sentiments.' By P. J. O'rourke Sentiments Smith Theory Moral Read

The subculture of felons is in great vogue among adolescents. Enron, WorldCom, Tyco, and so forth allow us Republicans to say to America's young people, 'We be thugs.' The GOP may capture the youth vote at last. By P. J. O'rourke Adolescents Tyco Subculture Felons Great

Newsmen believe that news is a tacitly acknowledged fourth branch of the federal system. This is why most news about government sounds as if it were federally mandated serious, bulky and blandly worthwhile, like a high-fiber diet set in type. By P. J. O'rourke Newsmen System Tacitly Acknowledged Fourth

Explosion of positive rights started in 1932 with the election of Roosevelt. By P. J. O'rourke Roosevelt Explosion Positive Started Election

The only really firm rule of taste about cross dressing is that neither sex should ever wear anything they haven't yet figured out how to go to the bathroom in. By P. J. O'rourke Firm Rule Taste Cross Dressing

Remember, FDA employees are serious about fear. We pay these people to panic about an iota of rodent hair in our chili, even when the recipe calls for it. FDA employees are first-class agonizers, world champions at losing sleep. When Meryl Streep got hysterical about Alar, they actually checked the apples instead of Meryl's head. By P. J. O'rourke Fda Remember Fear Employees Meryl

Moscow has changed. I was here in 1982, during the Brezhnev twilight, and things are better now. For instance, they've got litter. In 1982 there was nothing to litter with. By P. J. O'rourke Moscow Changed Brezhnev Litter Twilight

Most people sort of enjoy going to work because of the socialisation, a chance to flirt with co-workers and so on, but actually hate the job they do. By P. J. O'rourke Socialisation People Sort Enjoy Work

A politician who commends himself as 'caring' and 'sensitive' because he wants to expand the government's charitable programs is merely saying that he's willing to do good with other peoples' money. By P. J. O'rourke Caring Sensitive Money Politician Commends

Our earliest evidence of government, in the ruins of Babylon and Egypt, shows nothing but ziggurats and pyramids of wasted taxpayer money, the TARP funds and shovel-ready stimulus programs of their day. By P. J. O'rourke Egypt Babylon Tarp Government Shows

If we heard that somebody starved to death in Sweden or Switzerland, we would be shocked. By P. J. O'rourke Switzerland Sweden Shocked Heard Starved

Of course, no one wants to ban the vote. Voting should remain available for sporting and recreational purposes. But certain types of votes clearly should be curtailed - 'assault votes,' for example, in which the only purpose of the vote is to harm others. By P. J. O'rourke Ban Vote Votes Voting Remain

The great thing about being a print journalist is that you are permitted to duck. Cameramen get killed while the writers are flat on the floor. A war correspondent for the BBC dedicated his memoir to 50 fallen colleagues, and I guarantee you they were all taking pictures. I am only alive because I am such a chicken. By P. J. O'rourke Duck Great Thing Print Journalist

Generally it's not a good idea to wear Banana Republic - type khaki journalist clothes in a war zone. You might look too much like something that's supposed to be shot, such as a journalist. By P. J. O'rourke Republic Banana Generally Type Zone

Industrialization came to England but has since left. By P. J. O'rourke England Industrialization Left

We'll run this planet as we please, and if you don't like it, go back where we came from. By P. J. O'rourke Run Planet Back

Anyone who thinks he has a better idea of what's good for people than people do is a swine. By P. J. O'rourke Swine People Idea Good

Automobiles are free of egotism, passion, prejudice and stupid ideas about where to have dinner. They are, literally, selfless. A world designed for automobiles instead of people would have wider streets, larger dining rooms, fewer stairs to climb and no smelly, dangerous subway stations. By P. J. O'rourke Passion Egotism Prejudice Dinner Literally

A humorist doesn't really do that much note-taking. By P. J. O'rourke Notetaking Humorist

Politics is a necessary evil, or a necessary annoyance, a necessary conundrum. By P. J. O'rourke Politics Evil Annoyance Conundrum

The Three Branches of Government: Money, Television, and Bullshit By P. J. O'rourke Money Television Government Bullshit Branches

The three branches of government number considerably more than three and are not, in any sense, 'branches' since that would imply that there is something they are all attached to besides self-aggrandizement and our pocketbooks ... Government is not a machine with parts; it's an organism. When does an intestine quit being an intestine and start becoming an asshole? By P. J. O'rourke Sense Branches Pocketbooks Government Branches

One thing talk can't accomplish is communication. This is because everybody's talking too much to pay attention to what anyone is saying By P. J. O'rourke Communication Thing Talk Accomplish Talking

The best way to have a good political system is to avoid politics. But political disengagement deprives us of opportunities for bitching at politicians and pushing them around. This is occasionally useful and always a pleasure. In our democracy we don't get in trouble by trying to make politicians mad. We get in trouble by trying to make them like us. Our political system goes to hell when we want it to give us things. By P. J. O'rourke Political Politics Good Avoid Trouble

In the end we beat them with Levi 501 jeans. Seventy-two years of Communist indoctrination and propaganda was drowned out by a three-ounce Sony Walkman. A huge totalitarian system has been brought to its knees because nobody wants to wear Bulgarian shoes. Now they're lunch, and we're number one on the planet. By P. J. O'rourke Jeans Levi Walkman End Beat

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective. By P. J. O'rourke Dying Young Children Informed Explain

Russian cars are silly. They look like imports drawn by a cartoonist for a UAW newsletter. By P. J. O'rourke Russian Silly Cars Uaw Newsletter

Guns are always the best method for a private suicide. They are more stylish looking than single-edged razor blades and natural gas has got so expensive. Drugs are too chancy. You might miscalculate the dosage and just have a good time. By P. J. O'rourke Guns Suicide Method Private Expensive

We Americans, who invented traffic, are always being startled by the forms into which it has evolved around the world. By P. J. O'rourke Americans Traffic World Invented Startled

You can learn all about the human condition from covering the crime beat in a big city - you don't need to go to Beirut for that - but a foreign correspondent begins to understand poverty from a different perspective. By P. J. O'rourke Beirut City Perspective Learn Human

The wise traveler [to Beirut] will pack shirts or blouses with ample breast pockets. Reaching inside a jacket for your passport looks too much like going for the draw and puts armed men out of countinence By P. J. O'rourke Beirut Traveler Pockets Wise Pack

Gun violence has cost us too many political leaders, and hardly ever the worst ones. By P. J. O'rourke Gun Leaders Violence Cost Political

Government usually doesn't work. It doesn't work because it is political. People who are wise, good, smart, skillful, or hardworking don't need politics, they have jobs. The difference between the political process and an honest life is the difference between parading around waving picket signs while hollering catcalls in front of the White House and getting up in the morning to go make a living. By P. J. O'rourke Work Government Difference Political White

Tel Aviv is new, built on the sand dunes north of Jaffa in the 1890s, about the same time Miami was founded. The cities bear a resemblance in size, site, climate, and architecture, which ranges from the bland to the fancifully bland. By P. J. O'rourke Aviv Jaffa Miami Tel Built

Collectivism doesn't work because it's based on a faulty economic premise. There is no such thing as a person's "fair share" of wealth. The gross national product is not a pizza that must be carefully divided because if I get too many slices, you have to eat the box. The economy is expandable and, in any practical sense, limitless. By P. J. O'rourke Collectivism Premise Work Based Faulty

If there are three words that need to be used more in American journalism, commentary, politics, personal life ... it's the magic words 'I don't know.' By P. J. O'rourke Commentary Politics American Journalism Personal

In Western Australia they don't even know how to make that vital piece of sailboating equipment, the gin and tonic. By P. J. O'rourke Western Australia Equipment Tonic Make

Personally, I believe a rocking hammock, a good cigar, and a tall gin-and-tonic is the way to save the planet. By P. J. O'rourke Personally Hammock Cigar Tall Planet

Zen martini: A martini with no vermouth at all. And no gin, either. By P. J. O'rourke Zen Martini Vermouth Gin

If it were not for government regulation of big corporations, executives at companies like Enron, WorldCom, Tyco, they could have cheated investors out of millions. By P. J. O'rourke Tyco Worldcom Enron Corporations Executives

The foundation of collectivism is simple: There should be no important economic differences among people. No one should be too rich. By P. J. O'rourke Simple People Foundation Collectivism Important

Neither conservatives nor humorists believe man is good. But left-wingers do. By P. J. O'rourke Good Conservatives Humorists Man Leftwingers

Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power. By P. J. O'rourke Alcohol Society Fundamental Ills Drug

Mistreatment of al Qaeda members and their friends and hangers-on is something I number among my moral concerns. But it's number 1,000,000,001. By P. J. O'rourke Qaeda Mistreatment Concerns Number Members

There are selves too big for one person to contain. You cannot call them selfish. There is nothing -ish about such selves. They are the self, as it were, itself. By P. J. O'rourke Big Person Selfish Ish Call

When a private entity does not produce the desired results, it [is] done away with. But a public entity gets bigger. By P. J. O'rourke Results Entity Private Produce Desired

Daniel Patrick Moynihan is the archetypal extremely smart person who went into politics anyway instead of doing something worthwhile for his country. By P. J. O'rourke Patrick Moynihan Daniel Country Archetypal

We loved cars until the '70s or so. Then they became appliances. They turned into motorized cup holders. Most of it has to do with urban sprawl. What began as pleasure ends up in necessity, as so many things do. By P. J. O'rourke Loved Cars Appliances Holders Sprawl

Masochists are people that have pleasure confused with pain. In a world that has television confused with entertainment, doritoes confused with food, and Dan Quayle confused with a national political leader, masochists are clearly less mixed-up than the rest of us. By P. J. O'rourke Confused Masochists Pain People Pleasure

Every pleasure you forgoe on Earth is a pleasure you won't get in heaven. By P. J. O'rourke Earth Pleasure Heaven Forgoe

The French are sawed-off sissies who eat snails and slugs and cheese that smells like people's feet. Utter cowards who force their own children to drink wine, they gibber like baboons even when you try to speak to them in their own wimpy language. By P. J. O'rourke French Feet Sawedoff Sissies Eat

Government subsidies can be critically analyzed according to a simple principle: You are smarter than the government, so when the government pays you to do something you wouldn't do on your own, it is almost always paying you to do something stupid. By P. J. O'rourke Government Principle Stupid Subsidies Critically

Intelligence collection has been given an additional bureaucracy to correct the problems created by too much bureaucracy in intelligence collection. By P. J. O'rourke Intelligence Collection Bureaucracy Additional Correct

Fall of the Berlin wall? Being there was fun. Nations that flaked off of the Soviet Union in southeastern Europe, Central Asia, and the Caucasus? Being there was not so fun. By P. J. O'rourke Berlin Fall Wall Fun Europe

A dugout is much superior to a conventional manufactured canoe because you can get soaking wet without bothering to capsize it. By P. J. O'rourke Dugout Superior Conventional Manufactured Canoe

One nice thing about the Third World, you don't have to fasten your seat belt. (Or stop smoking. Or cut down on saturated fats.) It takes a lot off your mind when average life expectancy is forty-five minutes. By P. J. O'rourke World Belt Nice Thing Fasten

I think it's been hard for people to understand how Islam can be a good religion, and yet the Islamists are evil. Those of us who have had experience with Islam understand this, just as we understand the difference between snake handlers and people going to church on Sunday morning. By P. J. O'rourke Islamists Islam Religion Evil Understand

Twenty-five years from now all religion will be fundamentalist religion, even the Church of England. Wild-eyed "Tutuist" Anglicans will riot in Anzania (formerly the Union of South Africa). They'll force people to play contract bridge at gunpoint and make unbelievers eat little sandwiches with the crusts cut off. No woman will dare appear in the street without a small, stupid hat like Queen Di's. By P. J. O'rourke England Church Religion Twentyfive Tutuist

Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women. By P. J. O'rourke Benz Mercedes Women Mechanical Device

There's something about Marxism that brings out warts; the only kind of growth this economic system encourages. By P. J. O'rourke Marxism Warts Encourages Brings Kind

In Washington journalists can afford to live almost as well as people who work for a living. By P. J. O'rourke Washington Living Journalists Afford Live

Liberals have a quaint and touching faith that truth is on their side and an even quainter faith that journalists are on the side of truth. By P. J. O'rourke Faith Liberals Truth Side Quaint

Smoking crack is a way for people who couldn't afford college to study the works of Charles Darwin. By P. J. O'rourke Darwin Charles Smoking Crack People

Where self-interest is suppressed, it is replaced by a burdensome system of bureaucratic control that dries up the wellsprings of initiative and creativity. By P. J. O'rourke Suppressed Creativity Selfinterest Replaced Burdensome

The killjoys initiated automobile crash standards so rigorous that we can't buy a car that hasn't been dropped from the top of a phone pole with our whole family strapped inside. By P. J. O'rourke Inside Killjoys Initiated Automobile Crash

I can understand why mankind hasn't given up war. During a war you get to drive tanks through the sides of buildings and shoot foreigners - two things that are usually frowned on during peacetime. By P. J. O'rourke War Understand Mankind Foreigners Peacetime

Politics should be limited in scope to ware, protection of property, and the occasional precautionary beheading of a member of the ruling class. By P. J. O'rourke Politics Ware Protection Property Class

America's grossly unfair tax system won't lead to class war. Or, if it does, the war will be brief. By P. J. O'rourke America War Grossly Unfair Tax

So what if I don't agree with the Democrats? What's to disagree with? They believe everything. And what they don't believe, the Republicans do. Neither of them stands for anything they believe in, anyway. By P. J. O'rourke Democrats Agree Republicans Disagree Stands

When I was fifteen, I dreamed of living in the big city, as many a young person does if he is artistic and sensitive. By 'artistic and sensitive' I mean short, skinny, unkissed, bad at sports, and carrying a C average in high school. By P. J. O'rourke Sensitive Fifteen City Artistic Dreamed

The commies are the only people on earth who think Star Wars will work. If they're that gullible, maybe we should have held the summit at Atlantic City and let them lose all their missiles playing Keno. By P. J. O'rourke Star Wars Work Commies People

In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character. By P. J. O'rourke Presidents Worried Death Impeached Office

I live in New Hampshire. We're in favor of global warming. Eleven hundred more feet of sea-level rises? I've got beachfront property. You tell us up there, 'By the end of the century, New York City could be underwater,' and we say, 'Your point is?' By P. J. O'rourke Hampshire Live Warming York City

Until I carried my wife off to New Hampshire, she defined wilderness as the Bronx. By P. J. O'rourke Hampshire Bronx Carried Wife Defined

The 18,000 NASA employees are full of galactic talents and abilities and are ready to accomplish whatever they're directed to do. By P. J. O'rourke Nasa Employees Full Galactic Talents

In Henry Adams, I discovered not only the prototype of the modern thinker but also someone who is more interesting: a viper-toothed, puling, supercilious crank, thwarted in ambition, aging gracelessly, mad at the cosmos, and ashamed of his own jejune ideals. He is nevertheless very dear to me. By P. J. O'rourke Adams Puling Henry Interesting Vipertoothed

If libertarianism were easy to explain, and it weren't easy to exaggerate the effects of libertarianism, I think it would have been done already. Many many very intelligent people have applied themselves to crafting an agenda that people could grab ahold of. But the problem of course is that libertarianism isn't political. It is kind of anti-political. It wants to take a lot of things out of the political arena. By P. J. O'rourke Easy Libertarianism Explain Exaggerate Effects

Jack Abramoff is the world's best lobbyist - for the Federal Penitentiary System. By P. J. O'rourke System Abramoff Federal Penitentiary Jack

Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes. By P. J. O'rourke Earth Mom Dishes Save

How a peaceful, uncrowded place with ample wherewithal stays poor is hard to explain. How a conflict-ridden, grossly over-populated place with no resources whatsoever gets rich is simple. The British colonial government turned Hong Kong into an economic miracle by doing nothing. By P. J. O'rourke Peaceful Uncrowded Explain Place Ample

Asia is the continent rhythm forgot. At best Asian music is off-brand American pop, like Sonny Bono in a karaoke bar. At worst Asian music sounds as if a truck full of wind chimes collided with a stack of empty oil drums during a birdcall contest. By P. J. O'rourke Asian Asia Forgot Continent Rhythm

As murderous industrial magnates go, Alfred Nobel is right up there with Ray Kroc, franchiser of McDonald's. By P. J. O'rourke Alfred Kroc Nobel Ray Franchiser

I wonder if it changes the nature of a society for beauty to be so common. Maybe in Vietnam "She has a wonderful personality" really means something. But I couldnt figure out a polite way to ask. By P. J. O'rourke Common Nature Society Beauty Vietnam

The neo-hippie-dips, the sentimentality-crazed iguana anthropomorphizers, the Chicken Littles, the three-bong-hit William Blakes- thank God these people don't actually go outdoors much, or the environment would be even worse than it is already. By P. J. O'rourke William Blakes Chicken God Anthropomorphizers

All religions must be made child-proof. Our teachers' unions have done good work in this field, K through 12. Delaying first communions and bar mitzvahs until age 21 would be another positive step. By P. J. O'rourke Childproof Religions Made Field Delaying

A Kindle returns us to the inconvenience of the scroll, except with batteries and electronic glitches. It's as handy as bringing Homer along to recite the 'Iliad' while playing a lyre. By P. J. O'rourke Kindle Scroll Glitches Iliad Returns

Sometimes you need a B-2 bomber and sometimes you need your mother. By P. J. O'rourke Bomber Mother

I don't think I'll ever be a real boat reporter. My Rolex isn't big enough. By P. J. O'rourke Reporter Real Boat Rolex Big

The problem in Afghanistan is really not so much land as water. It's a dry country with ample amounts of water running through it, but not to good enough effect. By P. J. O'rourke Afghanistan Water Problem Land Effect

. . . crop restrictions not only raise the price of corn and other crops but also tend to raise farmers' total revenues and earnings." Increase your corn profit by not growing corn? Here's a wonderful kind of business where everybody can get rich if they'll just do nothing. By P. J. O'rourke Corn Raise Earnings Increase Restrictions

The U.S. tax code was written by A students. Every April 15, we have to pay somebody who got an A in accounting to keep ourselves from being sent to jail. By P. J. O'rourke Tax Students Code Written April

Infant mortality and life expectancy are reasonable indicators of general well-being in a society. By P. J. O'rourke Infant Society Mortality Life Expectancy

Toledo is better than exciting, it's happy. Because nothing is more conducive to unhappiness than taking yourself seriously, and taking yourself seriously is difficult when you're baseball team is the Mud Hens. By P. J. O'rourke Toledo Exciting Happy Taking Hens

The purpose of a funeral service is to comfort the living. It is important at a funeral to display excessive grief. This will show others how kind-hearted and loving you are and their improved opinion of you will be very comforting. By P. J. O'rourke Living Funeral Purpose Service Comfort

A pleasant natural environment is a good - a luxury good, philosophical good, a moral goody-good, a good time for all. Whatever, we want it. If we want something, we should pay for it, with our labor or our cash. We shouldn't beg it, steal it, sit around wishing for it, or euchre the government into taking it by force. By P. J. O'rourke Good Philosophical Goodygood Pleasant Natural

The words 'Space Age' have a quaint, nostalgic tone - sitting on midcentury modern furniture watching 'The Jetsons.' By P. J. O'rourke Space Age Jetsons Words Quaint

The two most frightening words in Washington are 'bipartisan consensus.' Bipartisan consensus is when my doctor and my lawyer agree with my wife that I need help. By P. J. O'rourke Bipartisan Washington Consensus Frightening Words

One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty of finding somebody to blame your problems on. And when you do find somebody, it's remarkable how often his picture turns up on your driver's license. By P. J. O'rourke Annoying Things Believing Free Individual

Long conversations with pals when neither you nor they have had a drink can be a test of palship. By P. J. O'rourke Long Palship Conversations Pals Drink

I was told to hand over my disposable lighter, to prevent, I suppose, any threat of "Do what I say or I'll light this Marlboro and you'll all die - in thirty years due to inhalation of secondhand smoke." By P. J. O'rourke Marlboro Lighter Prevent Suppose Die

The free market is the greatest repository of our freedoms. Economic freedom is the freedom we exercise most often and to the greatest extent. By P. J. O'rourke Greatest Free Market Repository Freedom

I have, of all the inglorious things, a malignant hemorrhoid. What color bracelet does one wear for that? And where does one wear it? And what slogan is apropos? Perhaps that slogan can be sewn in needlepoint around the ruffle on a cover for my embarrassing little doughnut buttocks pillow. By P. J. O'rourke Things Hemorrhoid Wear Inglorious Malignant

In a free country, government is a dull and onerous responsibility. It is a parent-teacher conference. By P. J. O'rourke Country Government Responsibility Free Dull

Art Nouveau got its inspiration from nature. The Bauhaus got its inspiration from engineering. By P. J. O'rourke Nouveau Inspiration Art Nature Bauhaus

The government is huge, stupid, greedy and makes nosy, officious and dangerous intrusions into the smallest corners of life - this much we can stand. But the real problem is that government is boring. We could cure or mitigate the other ills Washington visits on us if we could only bring ourselves to pay attention to Washington itself. But we cannot. By P. J. O'rourke Stupid Government Huge Greedy Nosy

I think the Baby Boom does have a tendency to get its nose in everything. The Greatest Generation had a better tendency to leave people alone. Of course, they also had a better tendency to hate everybody's guts. By P. J. O'rourke Baby Boom Tendency Nose Greatest

Never Refuse Wine. It is an odd but universally held opinion that anyone who doesn't drink must be an alcoholic. By P. J. O'rourke Wine Refuse Alcoholic Odd Universally

Tom DeLay may or may not have broken campaign finance laws, but he did his best to look like he was breaking them. By P. J. O'rourke Tom Laws Delay Broken Campaign

One of the reporters must have flunked journalism school because he asked a question that went straight to the point. By P. J. O'rourke Point Reporters Flunked Journalism School

If we were