Discover a wealth of wisdom and insight from Mark Twain through their most impactful and thought-provoking quotes and sayings. Expand your perspective with their inspiring words and share these beautiful Mark Twain quote pictures with your friends and followers on social media platforms like Facebook, Twitter, or your personal blog - all free of charge. We've compiled the top 3004 Mark Twain quotes for you to explore and share with others.

Hi-YI! YOU'RE up a stump, ain't you! By Mark Twain Hiyi Stump

You can see by these things that she was of a rather vain and frivolous character; still, she had virtues, and enough to make up, I think. She had a kind heart and gentle ways, and never harbored resentments for injuries done her, but put them easily out of her mind and forgot them; and she taught her children her kindly way, and from her we learned also to be brave and prompt in time of danger, and not to run away, but face the peril that threatened friend or stranger, and help him the best we could without stopping to think what the cost might be to us. And she taught us not by words only, but by example, and that is the best way and the surest and the most lasting. Why, the brave things she did, the splendid things! she was just a soldier; and so modest about it - well, you couldn't help admiring her, and you couldn't help imitating her; not even a King Charles spaniel could remain entirely despicable in her society. So, as you see, there was more to her than her education. By Mark Twain Things Character Virtues Vain Frivolous

But death was sweet, death was gentle, death was kind; death healed the bruised spirit and the broken heart, and gave them rest and forgetfulness; death was man's best friend; when man could endure life no longer, death came and set him free. By Mark Twain Death Man Sweet Gentle Kind

Nevertheless we have this curious spectacle: daily the trained parrot in the pulpit gravely delivers himself of these ironies, which he has acquired at second-hand and adopted without examination, to a trained congregation which accepts them without examination, and neither the speaker nor the hearer laughs at himself. It does seem as if we ought to be humble when we are at a bench-show, and not put on airs of intellectual superiority there. By Mark Twain Examination Trained Spectacle Daily Ironies

The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to the other creatures; but the fact that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creatures that cannot. By Mark Twain Fact Proves Wrong Creatures Man

this is the only ship going east this time of the year, but there's a thousand coming west - what's a fair wind for us is a head wind to them - the Almighty's blowing a fair wind for a thousand vessels, and this tribe wants him to turn it clear around so as to accommodate one - and she a steamship at that! It ain't good sense, it ain't good reason, it ain't good Christianity, it ain't common human charity. By Mark Twain Wind Fair Thousand Almighty Good

We don not think, in the holy places; we think in bed, afterwards, when the glare, and the the noise, and the confusion are gone, and in fancy we revisit alone, the solemn monuments of the past, and summon the phantom pageants of an age that has passed away. By Mark Twain Places Bed Glare Noise Past

The true charm of pedestrianism does not lie in the walking, or in the scenery, but in the talking. The walking is good to time the movement of the tongue by, and to keep the blood and the brain stirred up and active; the scenery and the woodsy smells are good to bear in upon a man an unconscious and unobtrusive charm and solace to eye and soul and sense; but the supreme pleasure comes from the talk. By Mark Twain Walking Scenery Charm Talking True

He wa'n't no common dog, he wa'n't no mongrel; he was a composite. A composite dog is a dog that is made up of all the valuable qualities that's in the dog breed-kind of a syndicate; and a mongrel is made up of all riffraff that's left over. By Mark Twain Dog Composite Mongrel Made Common

I find no change of consequence in grown people, I do not miss the dead. It does not surprise me to hear that this friend or that friend died at such and such a time, because I fully expected that sort of news. But somehow I had made no calculation on the infants. It never occurred to me that infants grow up ... These unexpected changes, from infancy to youth, and from youth to maturity, are by far the most startling things I meet with. By Mark Twain People Dead Find Consequence Grown

Unexpected money is a delight. The same sum is a bitterness when you expected more. By Mark Twain Unexpected Delight Money Sum Bitterness

A thing long expected takes the form of the unexpected when at last it comes. By Mark Twain Thing Long Expected Form Unexpected

A man with a hump-backed uncle mustn't make fun of another man's cross-eyed aunt By Mark Twain Aunt Man Humpbacked Uncle Make

He listened some more; then he come tiptoeing down and stood right between us; we could a touched him, nearly. Well, likely it was minutes and minutes that there warn't a sound, and we all there so close together. There was a place on my ankle that got to itching, but I dasn't scratch it; and then my ear begun to itch; and next my back, right between my shoulders. Seemed like I'd die if I couldn't scratch. Well, I've noticed that thing plenty times since. If you are with the quality, or at a funeral, or trying to go to sleep when you ain't sleepy - if you are anywheres where it won't do for you to scratch, why you will itch all over in upwards of a thousand places. Pretty soon Jim says: By Mark Twain Scratch Listened Tiptoeing Stood Touched

My brother had just been appointed Secretary of Nevada Territoryan office of such majesty that it concentrated in itself the duties and dignities of Treasurer, Comptroller, Secretary of State, and Acting Governor in the Governor's absence. A salary of eighteen hundred dollars a year and the title of "Mr. Secretary," gave to the great position an air of wild and imposing grandeur. I was young and ignorant, and I envied my brother. By Mark Twain Governor Secretary Comptroller Treasurer State

Whoo-oop! I'm the old original iron-jawed, brass-mounted, copper-bellied corpse-maker from the wilds of Arkansaw! - Look at me! I'm the man they call Sudden Death and General Desolation! Sired by a hurricane, dam'd by an earthquake, half-brother to the cholera, nearly related to the small-pox on the mother's side! Look at me! I take nineteen alligators and a bar'l of whiskey for breakfast when I'm in robust health, and a bushel of rattlesnakes and a dead body when I'm ailing! I split the everlasting rocks with my glance, and I squench the thunder when I speak! Whoo-oop! Stand back and give me room according to my strength! Blood's my natural drink, and the wails of the dying is music to my ear! Cast your eye on me, gentlemen! - and lay low and hold your breath, for I'm bout to turn myself loose! By Mark Twain Whoooop Arkansaw Brassmounted Desolation Sudden

Boggs comes a-tearing along on his horse, whooping and yelling like an Injun, and singing out: "Clear the track, thar. I'm on the waw-path, and the price uv coffins is a-gwyne to raise."He was drunk, and weaving about in his saddle; he was over fifty year old, and had a very red face. Everybody yelled at him and laughed at him and sassed him, and he sassed back, and said he'd attend to them and lay them out in their regular turns, but he couldn't wait now because he'd come to town to kill old Colonel Sherburn, and his motto was, "Meat first and spoon vittles to top off on." He see me, and rode up and says:"Whar'd you come f'm boy? You prepared to die?" Then he rode on. I was scared, but a man says: "He don't mean nothing; he's always a-carryin' on like that when he's drunk. He's the best-naturedest old fool in Arkansawnever hurt nobody, drunk no sober. By Mark Twain Injun Clear Thar Boggs Horse

Pretty soon I heard a twig snap down in the dark amongst the trees - something was a stirring. I set still and listened. Directly I could just barely hear a "me-yow! me-yow!" down there. That was good! Says I, "me-yow! me-yow!" as soft as I could, and then I put out the light and scrambled out of the window on to the shed. Then I slipped down to the ground and crawled in among the trees, and, sure enough, there was Tom Sawyer waiting for me. By Mark Twain Meyow Pretty Stirring Heard Twig

London, on a certain autumn day in the second quarter of the sixteenth century, a boy was born to a poor family of the name of Canty, who did not want him. On the same day another English child was born to a rich family of the name of Tudor, who did want him. All England wanted him too. England had so longed for him, and hoped for him, and prayed God for him, that, now that he was really come, the people went nearly mad for joy. Mere acquaintances hugged and kissed each other and cried. Everybody took a holiday, and high and low, rich By Mark Twain Canty Born London Family Century

Man is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight By Mark Twain Man Straight Animal Loves Neighbor

An honest politician is an oxymoron. By Mark Twain Oxymoron Honest Politician

An oyster has hardly any more reasoning power than a scientist has; and so it it is reasonably certain that this one jumped to the conclusion that the nineteen million years was a preparation for him; but that would be just like an oyster, which is the most conceited animal there is, except man. And anyway, this one could not know, at that early date, that he was only an incident in a scheme, and that there was some more in the scheme yet. By Mark Twain Oyster Man Reasoning Power Scientist

He would be a consul no doubt by and by, at some foreign port, of the language of which he was ignorant; though if ignorance of language were a qualification he might have been a consul at home. By Mark Twain Consul Language Port Ignorant Home

When majority is insane, sane must go to asylum. By Mark Twain Insane Sane Asylum Majority

It's not the parts of the Bible I don't know that worries me ... it's the parts that I do. By Mark Twain Bible Parts Worries

DECEMBER 26TH. The dog came to see me at eight o'clock this morning. He was very affectionate, poor orphan! My room will be his quarters hereafter. By Mark Twain December Morning Affectionate Poor Orphan

In Syria, once, at the head-waters of the Jordan, a camel took charge of my overcoat while the tents were being pitched, and examined it with a critical eye, all over, with as much interest as if he had an idea of getting one made like it; and then, after he was done figuring on it as an article of apparel, he began to contemplate it as an article of diet. He put his foot on it, and lifted one of the sleeves out with his teeth, and chewed and chewed at it, gradually taking it in, and all the while opening and closing his eyes in a kind of religious ecstasy, as if he had never tasted anything as good as By Mark Twain Article Syria Jordan Pitched Apparel

The charming island of Rock Island, three miles long and half a mile wide, belongs to the United States, and the Government has turned it into a wonderful park, enhancing its natural attractions by art, and threading its fine forests with many miles of drives. Near the center of the island one catches glimpses, through the trees, of ten vast stone four-story buildings, each of which covers an acre of ground. By Mark Twain States Island Rock United Government

The first glance at the pillow showed me a repulsive sentinel perched upon each end of itcockroaches as large as peach leavesfellows with long, quivering antennae and fiery, malignant eyes. They were grating their teeth like tobacco worms, and appeared to be dissatisfied about something. I had often heard that these reptiles were in the habit of eating off sleeping sailors' toe nails down to the quick, and I would not get in the bunk any more. I lay down on the floor. But a rat came and bothered me, and shortly afterward a procession of cockroaches arrived and camped in my hair. In a few moments the rooster was crowing with uncommon spirit and a party of fleas were throwing double somersaults about my person in the wildest disorder, and taking a bite every time they stuck. I was beginning to feel really annoyed. I got up and put my clothes on and went on deck.The above is not overdrawn; it is a truthful sketch of inter-island schooner life. By Mark Twain Long Quivering Fiery Malignant Eyes

As I have said before, I never had any large respect for good spelling. That is my feeling yet. Before the spelling-book came with its arbitrary forms, men unconsciously revealed shades of their characters, and also added enlightening shades of expression to what they wrote by their spelling, and so it is possible that the spelling-book has been a doubtful benevolence to us. By Mark Twain Spelling Large Respect Good Spellingbook

And now the minister prayed. A good, generous prayer it was, and went into details: it pleaded for the church, and the little children of the church; for the other churches of the village; for the village itself; for the county; for the State; for the State officers; for the United States; for the churches of the United States; for Congress; for the President; for the officers of the Government; for poor sailors, tossed by stormy seas; for the oppressed millions groaning under the heel of European monarchies and Oriental despotisms; for such as have the light and the good tidings, and yet have not eyes to see nor ears to hear withal; for the heathen in the far islands of the sea; and closed with a supplication that the words he was about to speak might find grace and favor, and be as seed sown in fertile ground, yielding in time a grateful harvest of good. Amen. By Mark Twain State States United Good Church

I have done more for San Francisco than any of its old residents. Since I left there it has increased in population fully 300,000. I could have done more - I could have gone earlier - it was suggested. By Mark Twain San Francisco Residents Fully Left

They growled a response and went on digging. For some time there was no noise but the grating sound of the spades discharging their freight of mould and gravel. It was very monotonous. Finally a spade struck upon the coffin with a dull woody accent, and within another minute or two the men had hoisted it out on the ground. They pried off the lid with their shovels, got out the body and dumped it rudely on the ground. The moon drifted from behind the clouds and exposed the pallid face. The barrow was got ready and the corpse placed on it, covered with a blanket, and bound to its place with the rope. Potter took out a large spring-knife and cut off the dangling end of the rope and then said: "Now the cussed thing's ready, Sawbones, and you'll just out with another five, or here she stays. By Mark Twain Digging Growled Response Ground Rope

O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst. By Mark Twain God Lord Shells Dead Wounded

Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it. By Mark Twain Truth Valuable Thing Economize

Truth is such a precious article - let us all economize in its use. By Mark Twain Truth Article Precious Economize

A man who is not born with the novel-writing gift has a troublesome time of it when he tries to build a novel. I know this from experience. He has no clear idea of his story; in fact he has no story. He merely has some people in his mind, and an incident or two, also a locality, and he trusts he can plunge those people into those incidents with interesting results. So he goes to work. To write a novel? Nothat is a thought which comes later; in the beginning he is only proposing to tell a little tale, a very little tale, a six-page tale. But as it is a tale which he is not acquainted with, and can only find out what it is by listening as it goes along telling itself, it is more than apt to go on and on and on till it spreads itself into a book. I know about this, because it has happened to me so many times. By Mark Twain Tale Man Born Novelwriting Gift

Between 1870 and 1905 Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens) tried repeatedly, and at long intervals, to write (or dictate) his autobiography, always shelving the manuscript before he had made much progress. By 1905 he had accumulated some thirty or forty of these false starts - manuscripts that were essentially experiments, drafts of episodes and chapters; many of these have survived in the Mark Twain Papers and two other libraries. To some of these manuscripts he went so far as to assign chapter numbers that placed them early or late in a narrative which he never filled in, let alone completed. None dealt with more than brief snatches of his life story. By Mark Twain Samuel Clemens Mark Twain Repeatedly

The guide showed us a coffee-colored piece of sculpture which he said was considered to have come from the hand of Phidias, since it was not possible that any other artist, of any epoch, could have copied nature with such faultless accuracy. The figure was that of a man without a skin; with every vein, artery, muscle, every fibre and tendon and tissue of the human frame, represented in detail. It looked natural, because somehow it looked as if it were in pain. A skinned man would be likely to look that way, unless his attention were occupied with some other matter. It was a hideous thing, and yet there was a fascination about it some where. I am sorry I saw it, because I shall always see it, now. I shall dream of it, sometimes. I shall dream that it is resting its corded arms on the bed's head and looking down on me with its dead eyes; I shall dream that it is stretched between the sheets with me and touching me with its exposed muscles and its stringy cold legs. By Mark Twain Phidias Dream Artist Epoch Accuracy

I 'uz mos' to de foot er de islan' b'fo' I found' a good place. I went into de woods en jedged I wouldn' fool wid raffs no mo', long as dey move de lantern roun' so. I had my pipe en a plug er dog-leg, en some matches in my cap, en dey warn't wet, so I 'uz all right. By Mark Twain Bfo Islan Found Place Mos

A man's house burns down. The smoking wreckage represents only a ruined home that was dear through years of use and pleasant associations. By and by, as the days and weeks go on, first he misses this, then that, then the other thing. And when he casts about for it he finds that it was in that house. Always it is an essential - here was but one of its kind. It cannot be replaced. It was in that house. It is irrevocably lost ... It will be years before the tale of lost essentials is complete, and not till then can he truly know the magnitude of his disaster. By Mark Twain House Man Burns Years Lost

In German, a young lady has no sex, while a turnip has. Think what overwrought reverence that shows for the turnip, and what callous disrespect for the girl. See how it looks in print - I translate this from a conversation in one of the best of the German Sunday-school books: "Gretchen. Wilhelm, where is the turnip? "Wilhelm. She has gone to the kitchen. "Gretchen. Where is the accomplished and beautiful English maiden? "Wilhelm. It has gone to the opera. By Mark Twain Wilhelm German Turnip Gretchen Sex

Secondly, these missionaries would gradually, and without creating suspicion or exciting alarm, introduce a rudimentary cleanliness among the nobility, and from them it would work down to the people, if the priests could be kept quiet. This would undermine the Church. I mean would be a step toward that. Next, education - next, freedom - and then she would begin to crumble. It being my conviction that any Established Church is an established crime, an established slave-pen, I had no scruples, but was willing to assail it in any way or with any weapon that promised to hurt it. Why, in my own former day - in remote centuries not yet stirring in the womb of time - there were old Englishmen who imagined that they had been born in a free country: a "free" country with the Corporation Act and the Test still in force in it - timbers propped against men's liberties and dishonored consciences to shore up an Established Anachronism with. By Mark Twain Established Gradually Alarm Introduce Nobility

Sometimes I feel like the sane person in a community of the mad; sometimes I feel like the one blind man where all others see; the one groping savage in the college of the learned, and always, during service, I feel like a heretic in heaven. By Mark Twain Feel Mad Learned Service Heaven

If the statistics are right, the Jews constitute but one percent of the human race. It suggests a nebulous dim puff of star dust lost in the blaze of the Milky Way. Properly the Jew ought hardly to be heard of, but he is heard of, has always been heard of. He is as prominent on the planet as any other people, and his commercial importance is extravagantly out of proportion to the smallness of his bulk. His contributions to the world's list of great names in literature, science, art, music, finance, medicine, and abstruse learning are also away out of proportion to the weakness of his numbers. By Mark Twain Heard Race Statistics Constitute Percent

The miracle or the power that elevates the few is to be found in their industry, application and perseverance under the promptings of a brave, determined spirit. By Mark Twain Industry Application Brave Determined Spirit

The true and lasting genius of humour does not drag you thus to boxes labelled 'pathos,' 'humour,' and show you all the mechanism of the inimitable puppets that are going to perform. How I used to laugh at Simon Tapperwit, and the Wellers, and a host more! But I can't do it now somehow; and time, it seems to me, is the true test of humour. It must be antiseptic. By Mark Twain Pathos Humour Labelled Perform True

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions. By Mark Twain Good Decisions Experience Making Bad

When you are invited to drink, and this does occur now and then in New Orleans - and you say, 'What, again? - no, I've had enough;' the other party says, 'But just this one time more - this is for lagniappe.' When the beau perceives that he is stacking his compliments a trifle too high, and sees by the young lady's countenance that the edifice would have been better with the top compliment left off, he puts his 'I beg pardon - no harm intended,' into the briefer form of 'Oh, that's for lagniappe.' If the waiter in the restaurant stumbles and spills a gill of coffee down the back of your neck, he says 'For lagniappe, sah,' and gets you another cup without extra charge. By Mark Twain Orleans Lagniappe Drink Invited Occur

Nobody but a parcel of usurping little monarchs and nobilities who despise you; would feel defiled if you touched them; would shut the door in your face if you proposed to call; whom you slave for, fight for, die for, and are not ashamed of it, but proud; whose existence is a perpetual insult to you and you are afraid to resent it; who are mendicants supported by your alms, yet assume toward you the airs of benefactor toward beggar; who address you in the language of master to slave, and are answered in the language of slave to master; who are worshiped by you with your mouth, while in your heart - if you have one - you despise yourselves for it. The first man was a hypocrite and a coward, qualities which have not yet failed in his line; it is the foundation upon which all civilizations have been built. By Mark Twain Slave Language Despise Master Call

How solemn and beautiful is the thought, that the earliest pioneer of civilization, the van-leader of civilization, is never the steamboat, never the railroad, never the newspaper, never the Sabbath-school, never the missionary - but always whiskey! Such is the case. Look history over; you will see. The missionary comes after the whiskey - I mean he arrives after the whiskey has arrived; next comes the poor immigrant, with ax and hoe and rifle; next, the trader; next, the miscellaneous rush; next, the gambler, the desperado, the highwayman, and all their kindred in sin of both sexes; and next, the smart chap who has bought up an old grant that covers all the land; this brings the lawyer tribe; the vigilance committee brings the undertaker. All these interests bring the newspaper; the newspaper starts up politics and a railroad; all hands turn to and build a church and a jail - and By Mark Twain Civilization Sabbathschool Whiskey Newspaper Thought

Where was the use, originally, in rushing this whole globe through in six days? It is likely that if more time had been taken in the first place, the world would have been made right, and this ceaseless improving and repairing would not be necessary now. But if you hurry a world or a house, you are nearly sure to find out by and by that you have left out a towhead, or a broom-closet, or some other little convenience, here and there, which has got to be supplied, no matter how much expense or vexation it may cost. By Mark Twain Originally Days Rushing Globe World

This creature's career could produce but one result, and it speedily followed. Boy after boy managed to get on the river. The minister's son became an engineer. The doctor's and the post-master's sons became 'mud clerks;' the wholesale liquor dealer's son became a barkeeper on a boat; four sons of the chief merchant, and two sons of the county judge, became pilots. Pilot was the grandest position of all. The pilot, even in those days of trivial wages, had a princely salary - from a hundred and fifty to two hundred and fifty dollars a month, and no board to pay. Two months of his wages would pay a preacher's salary for a year. Now some of us were left disconsolate. We could not get on the river - at least our parents would not let us. By Mark Twain Sons Result Son Creature Career

If you are of any account, stay at home and make your way by faithful diligence; but if you are "no account," go away from home, and then you will have to work, whether you want to or not. Thus you become a blessing to your friends by ceasing to be a nuisance to them By Mark Twain Account Home Stay Diligence Work

The worst thing you can do to a man is to tell him he can have what he wants. By Mark Twain Worst Thing Man

What would the new teacher, representing France, teach us? Railroading? No. France knows nothing valuable about railroading. Steamshipping? No. France has no superiorities over us in that matter. Steamboating? No. French steamboating is still of Fulton's date1809. Postal service? No. France is a back number there. Telegraphy? No, we taught her that ourselves. Journalism? No. Magazining? No, that is our own specialty. Government? No; Liberty, Equality, Fraternity, Nobility, Democracy, Adultery the system is too variegated for our climate. Religion? No, not variegated enough for our climate. Morals? No, we cannot rob the poor to enrich ourselves. By Mark Twain France Teacher Representing Teach Railroading

There will never be a "perfect" time to quit smoking. A time when you don't have any distractions or stress ... If you had started today one year ago, this would not even be an issue for you today! Don't waste another year! By Mark Twain Perfect Smoking Time Quit Year

The frankest and freest and privatest product of the human mind and heart is a love letter ... By Mark Twain Letter Frankest Freest Privatest Product

I saw men whom thirty years had changed but slightly; but their wives had grown old. These were good women; it is very wearing to be good. By Mark Twain Slightly Men Thirty Years Changed

That is an editor. He is trying to think of a word. He props his feet on a chair, which is the editor's way; then he can think better. I do not care much for this one; his ears are not alike; still, editor suggests the sound of Edward, and he will do. I could make him better if I had a model, but I made this one from memory. But is no particular matter; they all look alike, anyway. They are conceited and troublesome, and don't pay enough. By Mark Twain Editor Alike Edward Word Chair

When I am king they shall not have bread and shelter only, but also teachings out of books, for a full belly is little worth where the mind is starved. By Mark Twain Books Starved King Bread Shelter

The humorous writer professes to awaken and direct your love, your pity, your kindnessyour scorn for untruth, pretension, imposture ... He takes upon himself to be the week-day preacher. By Mark Twain Pretension Imposture Love Pity Untruth

You need not expect to get your book right the first time. Go to work and revamp or rewrite it. God only exhibits his thunder and lightning at intervals, and so they always command attention. These are God's adjectives. You thunder and lightning too much; the reader ceases to get under the bed, by and by. By Mark Twain Time Expect Book God Thunder

My own luck has been curious all my literary life; I never could tell a lie that anyone would doubt, nor a truth that anybody would believe. By Mark Twain Life Doubt Luck Curious Literary

It's my opinion that every one I know has morals, though I wouldn't like to ask. I know I have. But I'd rather teach them than practice them any day. "Give them to others"-that's my motto. By Mark Twain Morals Opinion Give Day Motto

The Creator sat upon the throne, thinking. Behind him stretched the illimitable continent of heaven, steeped in a glory of light and color; before him rose the black night of Space, like a wall. His mighty bulk towered rugged and mountain-like into the zenith, and His divine head blazed there like a distant sun. At His feet stood three colossal figures, diminished to extinction, almost, by contrast archangels their heads level with His ankle-bone. When the Creator had finished thinking, He said, "I have thought. Behold!" He lifted His hand, and from it burst a fountain-spray of fire, a million stupendous suns, which clove the blackness and soared, away and away and away, diminishing in magnitude and intensity as they pierced the far frontiers of Space, until at last they were but as diamond nail heads sparkling under the domed vast roof of the universe. By Mark Twain Creator Space Throne Sat Thinking

I will now claim - until dispossesed - that I was the first person in the world to apply the typewriter to literature ... The early machine was full of caprices, full of defects- devilish ones. It had as many immoralities as the machine of today has virtues. After a year or two I found that it was degrading my character, so I thought I would give it to Howells ... He took it home to Boston, and my morals began to improve, but his have never recovered. By Mark Twain Claim Dispossesed Literature Person World

To trust the God of the Bible is to trust an irascible, vindictive, fierce and ever fickle and changeful master. By Mark Twain Vindictive God Bible Trust Irascible

It is a good and gentle religion, but inconvenient. By Mark Twain Religion Inconvenient Good Gentle

When a person is accustomed to one hundred and thirty-eight in the shade, his ideas about cold weather are not valuable. By Mark Twain Shade Valuable Person Accustomed Hundred

He done his level best.Was he a mining on the flat..He done it with a zest..Was he a leading of the choir..He done his level best.If he'd a reg'lar task to do,He never took no rest..Or if 'twas off and on the same..He done his level best.If he was preachin' on his beat,He'd tramp from east to west,And north to south ..in cold and heat..He done his level best.He'd Yank a sinner outen (Hades),And land him with the blest;Then snatch a prayer'n waltz in again,And do his level best.He'd cuss and sing and howl and pray,And dance and drink and jest,He done his level best.Whate'er this man was sot to doHe done it with a zest;No matter what his contract was,He'd do his level best... By Mark Twain Level Bestif Hades Yank Flat

Such incidents usually move me to try to find relief in the building of a maxim. It is a good way, because if you have luck you can get the venom out of yourself and into the maxim; then comfort and a healed spirit follow. Maxims are not easy to make; they do not come in right shape at the first call; they are creatures of evolution, of development; you have to try several plans before you get one that suits you, or even comes fairly near to suiting you. By Mark Twain Incidents Move Find Relief Building

And if I have not also shown that German is a harassing and infuriating study, my execution has been at fault, and not my intent. I heard lately of a worn and sorely tried American student who used to fly to a certain German word for relief when he could bear up under his aggravations no longer - the only word whose sound was sweet and precious to his ear and healing to his lacerated spirit. This was the word damit. It was only the sound that helped him, not the meaning; [3] and so, at last, when he learned that the emphasis was not on the first syllable, his only stay and support was gone, and he faded away and died. By Mark Twain German Word Study Fault Intent

The so-called Christian nations are the most enlightened and progressive ... but in spite of their religion, not because of it. The Church has opposed every innovation and discovery from the day of Galileo down to our own time, when the use of anesthetic in childbirth was regarded as a sin because it avoided the biblical curse pronounced against Eve. And every step in astronomy and geology ever taken has been opposed by bigotry and superstition. The Greeks surpassed us in artistic culture and in architecture five hundred years before Christian religion was born. By Mark Twain Progressive Christian Socalled Nations Enlightened

No temperance society which is well officered and which has the real good of our fellow-men in view, will ever get drunk save in the seclusion of its temperance hall. By Mark Twain View Hall Temperance Society Officered

One must make allowances for a parental instinct that has been starving for twenty-five or thirty years. It is famished, it is crazed with hunger by that time, and will be entirely satisfied with anything that comes handy; its taste is atrophied, it can't tell mud cat from shad. A devil born to a young couple is measurably recognizable by them as a devil before long, but a devil adopted by an old couple is an angel to them, and remains so, through thick and thin. By Mark Twain Years Devil Make Allowances Parental

The painful thing observable about all this business was, the alacrity with which this oppressed community had turned their cruel hands against their own class in the interest of the common oppressor ... This man had been out helping to hang his neighbors, and had done his work with zeal, and yet was aware that there was nothing against them but a mere suspicion, with nothing back of it describable as evidence, still neither he nor his wife seemed to see anything horrible about it. By Mark Twain Oppressor Painful Thing Observable Business

You perceive I generalize with intrepidity from single instances. It is the tourist's custom. By Mark Twain Instances Perceive Generalize Intrepidity Single

A man who goes around with a prophecy-gun ought never to get discouraged: if he will keep up his heart and fire at everything he sees, he is bound to hit something by and by. By Mark Twain Discouraged Man Prophecygun Heart Fire

The old man laughed loud and joyously, shook up the details of his anatomy from head to foot, and ended by saying that such a laugh was money in a man's pocket, because it cut down the doctor's bills like everything. By Mark Twain Man Joyously Shook Foot Pocket

THERE were two "Reigns of Terror," if we would but remember it and consider it; the one wrought murder in hot passion, the other in heartless cold blood; the one lasted mere months, the other had lasted a thousand years; the one inflicted death upon ten thousand persons, the other upon a hundred millions; but our shudders are all for the "horrors" of the minor Terror, the momentary Terror, so to speak; whereas, what is the horror of swift death by the axe, compared with lifelong death from hunger, cold, insult, cruelty, and heart-break? What is swift death by lightning compared with death by slow fire at the stake? A city cemetery could contain the coffins filled by that brief Terror which we have all been so diligently taught to shiver at and mourn over; but all France could hardly contain the coffins filled by that older and real Terror - that unspeakably bitter and awful Terror which none of us has been taught to see in its vastness or pity as it deserves. By Mark Twain Terror Death Reigns Cold Lasted

Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime. By Mark Twain Bigotry Travel Prejudice Narrowmindedness Accounts

Stripping away the irrational, the illogical, and the impossible, I am left with atheism. I can live with that. By Mark Twain Stripping Irrational Illogical Impossible Atheism

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. By Mark Twain Woman Week Stated Ugliest Sister

Explaining humor is a lot like dissecting a frog, you learn a lot in the process, but in the end you kill it. By Mark Twain Lot Explaining Frog Process Humor

Now when I had mastered the language of this water, and had come to know every trifling feature that bordered the great river as familiarly as I knew the letters of the alphabet, I had made a valuable acquisition. But I had lost something, too. I had lost something which could never be restored me while I lived. All the grace, the beauty, the poetry, had gone out of the majestic river! By Mark Twain Water Alphabet Acquisition Lost Mastered

A half-truth is the most cowardly of lies. By Mark Twain Lies Halftruth Cowardly

You cannot have all chiefs; you gotta have Indians too.Perfect love cannot be without equality.A friend to everybody and to nobody is the same thing.We are all alike, on the inside. By Mark Twain Indians Chiefs Alike Inside Gotta

When a man loves cats, I am his friend and comrade, without further introduction. By Mark Twain Cats Comrade Introduction Man Loves

Yes," I said, "that is what I mean to say. I am not going to vote for him." The others began to find their voices. They sang the same note. They said that when a party's representatives choose a man, that ends it. If they choose unwisely it is a misfortune, but no loyal member of the party has any right to withhold his vote. He has a plain duty before him and he can't shirk it. He must vote for that nominee. I said that no party held the privilege of dictating to me how I should vote. That if party loyalty was a form of patriotism, I was no patriot, and that I didn't think I was much of a patriot anyway, for oftener than otherwise what the general body of Americans regarded as the patriotic course was not in accordance with my views; that if there was any valuable difference between being an American and a monarchist it lay in the theory that the American could decide for himself what is patriotic and what isn't; whereas By Mark Twain Vote Party American Choose Patriot

A proud man is one who waits for a vacancy in the Trinity. By Mark Twain Trinity Proud Man Waits Vacancy

If there is one thing that will make a man peculiarly and insufferable self-conceited, it is to have his stomach behave itself, the first day at sea, when nearly all his comrades are seasick. By Mark Twain Selfconceited Sea Seasick Thing Make

It is true, that which I have revealed to you; there is no God, no universe, no human race, no earthly life, no heaven, no hell. It is all a dreama grotesque and foolish dream. Nothing exists but you. And you are but a thoughta vagrant thought, a useless thought, a homeless thought, wandering forlorn among the empty eternities! By Mark Twain God True Universe Race Life

I have spent most of my time worrying about things that have never happened. Worrying is not an action! In fact, it is action that alleviates concern and dissipates worries. Take more actions when you feel that worry is creeping in to steal your time. It need not be a huge action, any action in the direction you want to go will do. By Mark Twain Action Happened Worrying Spent Things

I have been scientifically studying the traits and dispositions of the "lower animals" (so-called,) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result profoundly humiliating to me. For it obliges me to renounce my allegiance to the Darwinian theory of the Ascent of Man from the Lower Animals; since it now seems plain to me that that theory ought to be vacated in favor of a new and truer one, this new and truer one to be named the Descent of Man from the Higher Animals. By Mark Twain Animals Man Traits Dispositions Lower

The laws of Nature, that is to say the laws of God, plainly made every human being a law unto himself, we must steadfastly refuse to obey those laws, and we must as steadfastly stand by the conventions which ignore them, since the statutes furnish us peace, fairly good government, and stability, and therefore are better for us than the laws of God, which would soon plunge us into confusion and disorder and anarchy if we should adopt them. By Mark Twain God Laws Nature Steadfastly Plainly

If the desire to kill and the opportunity to kill always came together, who would escape hanging? Framed in a more positive light, this tells us also that if we wish to accomplish a particular thing then we need to increase our level of desire for that thing and to create or seek out the opportunities and right environment for it to happen without fail. By Mark Twain Kill Hanging Desire Opportunity Escape

We did not oversleep at St. Nicholas. The church-bell began to ring at four-thirty in the morning, and from the length of time it continued to ring I judged that it takes the Swiss sinner a good while to get the invitation through his head. By Mark Twain Nicholas Oversleep Ring Swiss Morning

After breakfast they went whooping and prancing out on the bar, and chased each other round and round, shedding clothes as they went, until they were naked, and then continued the frolic far away up the shoal water of the bar, against the stiff current, which latter tripped their legs from under them from time to time and greatly increased the fun. And now and then they stooped in a group and splashed water in each other's faces with their palms, gradually approaching each other, with averted faces to avoid the strangling sprays, and finally gripping and struggling till the best man ducked his neighbor, and then they all went under in a tangle of white legs and arms and came up blowing, sputtering, laughing, and gasping for breath at one and the same time. By Mark Twain Bar Round Time Water Legs

Out of the depths of my happy heart wells a great tide of love and prayer for this priceless treasure that is confided to my lifelong keeping. You cannot see its waves as they flow toward you, darling, but in these lines you will hear ... the distant beating of its surf. By Mark Twain Keeping Depths Happy Heart Great

The only certainties in life are death and taxes. By Mark Twain Taxes Certainties Life Death

An average English word is four letters and a half. By hard, honest labor I've dug all the large words out of my vocabulary and shaved it down till the average is three and a half ... I never write metropolis for seven cents, because I can get the same money for city. I never write policeman, because I can get the same price for cop ... I never write valetudinarian at all, for not even hunger and wretchedness can humble me to the point where I will do a word like that for seven cents; I wouldn't do it for fifteen. By Mark Twain English Half Write Average Word

We went far down the garden to the farthest end, where the children and the nurse and the puppy and I used to play in the summer in the shade of a great elm, and there the footman dug a hole, and I saw he was going to plant the puppy, and I was glad, because it would grow and come up a fine handsome dog, like Robin Adair, and be a beautiful surprise for the family when they came home; so I tried to help him dig, but my lame leg was no good, being stiff, you know, and you have to have two, or it is no use. When the footman had finished and covered little Robin up, he patted my head, and there were tears in his eyes, and he said: Poor little doggie, you saved HIS child! By Mark Twain Puppy Robin Adair Footman End

I always did hate for anyone to know what my plans or hopes or prospects were-for, if I kept people in ignorance in these matters, no one could be disappointed but myself, if they were not realized. By Mark Twain Werefor Matters Realized Hate Plans

In religion, India is the only millionaire ... the One land that all men desire to see, and having seen once, by even a glimpse, would not give that glimpse for all the shows of all the rest of the globe combined. By Mark Twain India Religion Millionaire Glimpse Combined

A jury of inquest was impaneled, and after due deliberation and inquiry they returned the inevitable American verdict which has been so familiar to our ears all the days of our lives - "NOBODY TO BLAME. By Mark Twain Blame American Impaneled Lives Jury

The old lady pulled her spectacles down and looked over them about the room; then she put them up and looked out under them. She seldom or never looked through them for so small a thing as a boy; they were her state pair, the pride of her heart, and were built for "style," not service - she could have seen through a pair of stove-lids just as well. She looked perplexed for a moment, and then said, not fiercely, but still loud enough for the furniture to hear: By Mark Twain Looked Room Lady Pulled Spectacles

There is not an acre of ground on the globe that is in possession of its rightful owner, or that has not been taken away from owner after owner, cycle afer cycle, by force and bloodshed. By Mark Twain Owner Bloodshed Cycle Acre Ground

I have no liking for novels or stories - none in the world; and so, whenever I read one - which is not oftener than once in two years, and even in these same cases I seldom read beyond the middle of the book - my distaste for the vehicle always taints my judgment of the literature itself, as a matter of course; and also of course makes my verdict valuless. Are you saying "You have written stories yourself." Quite true: but the fact that an Indian likes to scalp people is no evidence that he likes to be scalped. By Mark Twain Read World Years Book Valuless

It was as bright as glory, and you'd have a little glimpse of tree-tops a-plunging about away off yonder in the storm, hundreds of yards further than you could see before; dark as sin again in a second, and now you'd hear the thunder let go with an awful crash, and then go rumbling, grumbling, tumbling, down the sky towards the under side of the world, like rolling empty barrels down-stairs - where By Mark Twain Grumbling Tumbling Glory Storm Hundreds

The odd superstitions touched upon were all prevalent among children and slaves in the West at the period of this story - that is to say, thirty or forty years ago. Although my book is intended mainly for the entertainment of boys and girls, I hope it will not be shunned by men and women on that account, for part of my plan has been to try to pleasantly remind adults of what they once were themselves, and of how they felt and thought and talked, and what queer enterprises they sometimes engaged in. THE AUTHOR. HARTFORD, 1876. CHAPTER I "TOM!" No answer. "TOM!" No answer. "What's gone with that boy, I wonder? You TOM! By Mark Twain West Tom Story Thirty Ago

I think I can say, and say with pride, that we have some legislatures that bring higher prices than any in the world. By Mark Twain Pride World Legislatures Bring Higher

Ignorant people think it is the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it is the sickening grammar that they use. By Mark Twain Ignorant Aggravating People Noise Fighting

It was a splendid population - for all the slow, sleepy, sluggish-brained sloths stayed at home - you never find that sort of people among pioneers - you cannot build pioneers out of that sort of material. It was that population that gave to California a name for getting up astounding enterprises and rushing them through with a magnificent dash and daring and a recklessness of cost or consequences, which she bears unto this day - and when she projects a new surprise the grave world smiles as usual and says, Well, that is California all over. By Mark Twain Sort Pioneers Sleepy Slow Sluggishbrained

Heaven knows insanity was disreputable enough, long ago; but now that the lawyers have got to cutting every gallows rope and picking every prison lock with it, it is become a sneaking villainy that ought to hang and keep on hanging its sudden possessors until evil-doers should conclude that the safest plan was to never claim to have it until they came by it legitimately. The very calibre of the people the lawyers most frequently try to save by the insanity subterfuge ought to laugh the plea out of the courts, one would think. By Mark Twain Lawyers Insanity Heaven Long Ago

You may say what you want to, but in my opinion she had more sand in her than any girl I ever see; in my opinion she was just full of sand. By Mark Twain Opinion Sand Girl Full

You meet people who forget you. You forget people you meet. But sometimes you meet those people you can't forget. Those are your 'friends By Mark Twain Meet People Forget Friends

face lit up with a glow of gratitude that was prayer, though he did not know it. Then furtively the percussion-cap box came out. He released the tick and put him on the long flat desk. The creature probably glowed with a gratitude that amounted to prayer, too, at this moment, but it was premature: for when he started thankfully to travel off, Tom turned him aside with a pin and made him take a new direction. Tom's bosom friend sat next him, suffering just as Tom had been, and now he was deeply and gratefully interested in this entertainment in an instant. This bosom friend was Joe Harper. The two boys were sworn friends all the week, and embattled enemies on Saturdays. Joe took a pin out of his lapel and began to assist in exercising the prisoner. The sport grew in interest momently. Soon Tom said that they were interfering with each other, and neither getting the fullest benefit of the tick. So he put Joe's slate on the desk and drew a line down the middle of it from top to bottom. By Mark Twain Tom Joe Face Prayer Gratitude

He would now have comprehended that work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do, and that play consists of whaterver a body is not obliged to do. And this would help him to understand why construcing artificial flowers or performing on a tread-mill, is work, whilst rolling nine-pins or climbing Mont Blanc is only amusement. There are wealthy gentlemen in England who drive four-horse passenger-coaches twenty or thirty miles on a daily line, in the summer, because the privilege costs them considerable money; but if they were offered wages for the service that would turn it into work, then they would resign. By Mark Twain Body Consists Obliged Work Comprehended

Man is the only slave. And he is the only animal who enslaves. He has always been a slave in one form or another, and has always held other slaves in bondage under him in one way or another. In our day, he is always some man's slave for wages, and does that man's work; and this slave has other slaves under him for minor wages, and they do his work. The higher animals are the only ones who exclusively do their own work and provide their own living. By Mark Twain Slave Man Work Wages Slaves

Fear drove many on deck that were used to avoiding the night winds and the spray. Some thought the vessel could not live through the night, and it seemed less dreadful to stand out in the midst of the wild tempest and see the peril that threatened than to be shut up in the sepulchral cabins, under the dim lamps, and imagine the horrors that were abroad on the ocean. And once out - once where they could see the ship struggling in the strong grasp of the storm - once where they could hear the shriek of the winds and face the driving spray and look out upon the majestic picture the lightnings disclosed, they were prisoners to a fierce fascination they could not resist, and so remained. It was a wild night - and a very, very long one. By Mark Twain Night Winds Fear Spray Drove

Well, my book is written-let it go. But if it were only to write over again there wouldn't be so many things left out. They burn in me; and they keep multiplying; but now they can't ever be said. And besides, they would require a library-and a pen warmed up in hell. By Mark Twain Book Writtenlet Write Things Left

ODE TO STEPHEN DOWLING BOTS, DEC'D And did young Stephen sicken, And did young Stephen die? And did the sad hearts thicken, And did the mourners cry? No; such was not the fate of Young Stephen Dowling Bots; Though sad hearts round him thickened, 'Twas not from sickness' shots. No whooping-cough did rack his frame, Nor measles drear with spots; Not these impaired the sacred name Of Stephen Dowling Bots. Despised love struck not with woe That head of curly knots, Nor stomach troubles laid him low, Young Stephen Dowling Bots. O no. Then list with tearful eye, Whilst I his fate do tell. His soul did from this cold world fly By falling down a well. They got him out and emptied him; Alas it was too late; His spirit was gone for to sport aloft In the realms of the good and great. If By Mark Twain Stephen Bots Dowling Young Ode

Now what I contend is that my body is my own, at least I have always so regarded it. If I do harm through my experimenting with it, it is I who suffer, not the state. By Mark Twain Contend Body Regarded Suffer State

It should know that any strange and much-talked-of event is always followed by imitations, the world being so well supplied with excitable people who only need a little stirring up to make them lose what is left of their heads and do things which they would not have thought of ordinarily. It should know that if a man jump off Brooklyn Bridge another will imitate him; that if a person venture down Niagara Whirlpool in a barrel another will imitate him; that if a Jack the Ripper make notoriety by slaughtering women in dark alleys he will be imitated; that if a man attempt a king's life and the newspapers carry the noise of it around the globe, regicides will crop up all around. By Mark Twain Event Imitations Ordinarily Make Imitate

So I learned then, that gold in it's native state is but dull, unornamental stuff, and that only low-born metals excite the admiration of the ignorant with an ostentatious glitter. However, like the rest of the world, I still go underrating men of gold and glorifying men of mica. Commonplace human nature cannot rise above that. By Mark Twain Dull Unornamental Stuff Glitter Gold

Gold in its native state is but dull, unornamental stuff, and only lowborn metals excite the admiration of the ignorant with an ostentatious glitter. However, like the rest of the world, I still go on underrating men of gold and glorifying men of mica. By Mark Twain Dull Unornamental Stuff Glitter Gold

I have a religion-but you will call it blasphemy. It is that there is a God for the rich man but none for the poor ... Perhaps your religion will sustain you,will feed you-I place no dependence in mine. Our religions are alike, though, in one respect-neither can make a man happy when he is out of luck. By Mark Twain Blasphemy Religionbut Call God Man

That's just the way: a person does a low-down thing, and then he don't want to take no consequences of it. Thinks as long as he can hide it, it ain't no disgrace. By Mark Twain Thing Person Lowdown Consequences Disgrace

Humor must be one of the chief attributes of God. Plants and animals that are distinctly humorous in form and characteristics are God's jokes. By Mark Twain God Humor Chief Attributes Plants

The business aspects of the Fourth of July is not perfect as it stands. See what it costs us every year with loss of life, the crippling of thousands with its fireworks, and the burning down of property. It is not only sacred to patriotism and universal freedom, but to the surgeon, the undertaker, the insurance offices - and they are working it for all it is worth. By Mark Twain Fourth July Stands Business Aspects

When you find yourself on the side of the majority, you should pause and reflect. By Mark Twain Majority Reflect Find Side Pause

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to reform (or pause and reflect). By Mark Twain Majority Reform Reflect Find Side

Whenever you are popular just pause and see the reflect By Mark Twain Reflect Popular Pause

I know the look of an apple that is roasting and sizzling on the hearth on a winter's evening, and I know the comfort that comes of eating it hot, along with some sugar and a drench of cream ... I know how the nuts taken in conjunction with winter apples, cider, and doughnuts, make old people's tales and old jokes sound fresh and crisp and enchanting. By Mark Twain Evening Hot Cream Winter Roasting

Nature has no originalityI mean, no large ability in the matter of inventing new things, new ideas, new stage effects. She has a superb and amazing and infinitely varied equipment of old ones, but she never adds to them. She repeatsrepeatsrepeatsrepeats. Examine your memory and your experience; you will find it is true. By Mark Twain Nature Things Ideas Effects Originalityi

In due time the shores of Italy were sighted, and as we stood gazing from the decks, early in the bright summer morning, the stately city of Genoa rose up out of the sea and flung back the sunlight from her hundred palaces. By Mark Twain Italy Genoa Sighted Decks Early

It was the cool gray dawn, and there was a delicious sense of repose and peace in the deep pervading calm and silence of the woods. Not a leaf stirred; not a sound obtruded upon great Nature's meditation [ ... ] Gradually the cool dim gray of the morning whitened, and as gradually sounds multiplied and life manifested itself. The marvel of Nature shaking off sleep and going to work unfolded itself to the musing boy [ ... ] All Nature was wide awake and stirring, now; long lances of sunlight pierced down through the dense foliage far and near, and a few butterflies came fluttering upon the scene. By Mark Twain Nature Dawn Woods Cool Delicious

He was full of ironical admiration of his childishness and innocence in letting a wandering and characterless and scandalous American load him up with deceptions of so transparent a character that they ought not to have deceived the housecat. On the other hand, he was remorselessly severe upon me for beguiling him, by studied and discreditable artifice, into bragging and boasting about his poor game in the presence of a professional expert disguised in lies and frauds, who could empty more balls in billiard pockets in an hour than he could empty into a basket in a day. By Mark Twain American Housecat Full Ironical Admiration

Now, children, I want you all to sit up just as straight and pretty as you can and give me all your attention for a minute or two. There - that is it. That is the way good little boys and girls should do. I see one little girl who is looking out of the window - I am afraid she thinks I am out there somewhere - perhaps up in one of the trees making a speech to the little birds. [Applausive titter.] By Mark Twain Children Sit Straight Pretty Give

In truth I care little about any party's politics-the man behind it is the important thing. By Mark Twain Thing Truth Care Party Politicsthe

Perhaps no poet is a conscious plagiarist, but there seems to be warrant for suspecting that there is no poet who is not at one time or another an unconscious one. By Mark Twain Poet Plagiarist Conscious Warrant Suspecting

If you will notice, there is seldom a telegram in a paper which fails to show up one or more members & beneficiaries of our Civilization as promenading with his shirt-tail up & the rest of his regalia in the wash. By Mark Twain Civilization Notice Members Beneficiaries Wash

By a sarcasm of law and phrase they were freemen. Seven-tenths of the free population of the country were of just their class and degree: small "independent" farmers, artisans, etc.; which is to say, they were the nation, the actual Nation; they were about all of it that was useful, or worth saving, or really respectworthy, and to subtract them would have been to subtract the Nation and leave behind some dregs, some refuse, in the shape of a king, nobility and gentry, idle, unproductive, acquainted mainly with the arts of wasting and destroying, and of no sort of use or value in any rationally constructed world. By Mark Twain Nation Freemen Sarcasm Law Phrase

There was a light behind him. He got up and stretched his neck out about a minute, listening. Then he says: "Who dah?" He listened some more; then he come tiptoeing down and stood right between us; we could a touched him, nearly. By Mark Twain Light Listening Minute Stretched Neck

New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions. By Mark Twain Year Institution Drunks Resolutions Harmless

My financial views are of the most decided character, but they are not likely, perhaps, to increase my popularity with the advocates of inflation. I do not insist upon the special supremacy of rag money or hard money. The great fundamental principle of my life is to take any kind I can get. By Mark Twain Character Inflation Financial Views Decided

It was on the 10th day of May - 1884 - that I confessed to age by mounting spectacles for the first time, and in the same hour I renewed my youth, to outward appearance, by mounting a bicycle for the first time. The spectacles stayed on. By Mark Twain Time Mounting Day Youth Appearance

All people have had ill luck, but Jairus's daughter and Lazarus had the worst. By Mark Twain Jairus Lazarus Luck Worst People

The lie, as a virtue, a principle, is eternal; the lie, as a recreation, a solace, a refuge in time of need, the fourth Grace, the tenth Muse, man's best and surest friend is immortal By Mark Twain Lie Grace Muse Virtue Principle

All schools, all colleges have two great functions: to confer, and to conceal valuable knowledge. By Mark Twain Schools Functions Confer Knowledge Colleges

There was a great difference in boats, of course. For a long time I was on a boat that was so slow we used to forget what year it was we left port in. By Mark Twain Great Difference Boats Boat Long

You are about as happy as you make up your mind to be. By Mark Twain Happy Make Mind

I'm glad I did it, partly because it was worth it, but mostly because I shall never have to do it again By Mark Twain Partly Glad Worth

To be human is to have one's little modicum of romance secreted away in one's composition. One never ceases to make a hero of one's self, (in private,) during life, but only alters the style of heroism from time to time as the drifting years belittle certain gods of his admiration and raise up others in their stead. By Mark Twain Composition Human Modicum Romance Secreted

It didn't take me long to make up my mind that these liars warn't no kings nor dukes at all, but just low-down humbugs and frauds. But I never said nothing, never let on; kept it to myself; it's the best way; then you don't have no quarrels, and don't get into no trouble. If they wanted us to call them kings and dukes, I hadn't no objections, 'long as it would keep peace in the family; and it warn't no use to tell Jim, so I didn't tell him. If I never learnt nothing else out of pap, I learnt that the best way to get along with his kind of people is to let them have their own way. By Mark Twain Frauds War Make Mind Liars

The frankest and freest product of the human mind and heart is a love letter; the writer gets his limitless freedom of statement and expression from his sense that no stranger is going to see what he is writing. By Mark Twain Letter Writing Frankest Freest Product

In your country and mine we should have the privilege of making fun of this kind of morality, but it would be unkind to do it here.Many of these people have the reasoning faculty, but no one uses it in religious matters. By Mark Twain Morality Faculty Matters Country Mine

It would not be possible for Noah to do in our day what he was permitted to do in his own ... The inspector would come and examine the Ark, and make all sorts of objections. By Mark Twain Noah Ark Day Permitted Objections

By and by when each nation has 20,000 battleships and 5,000,000 soldiers we shall all be safe and the wisdom of statesmanship will stand confirmed. By Mark Twain Battleships Soldiers Confirmed Nation Safe

In still earlier years than those I have been recalling, Holliday's Hill, in our town, was to me the noblest work of God. It appeared to pierce the skies. It was nearly three hundred feet high. In those days I pondered the subject much, but I never could understand why it did not swathe its summit with never-failing clouds, and crown its majestic brow with everlasting snows. I had heard that such was the custom of great mountains in other parts of the world. By Mark Twain Holliday Hill God Recalling Town

There are two kinds of patriotism monarchical patriotism and republican patriotism. In the one case the government and the king may rightfully furnish you their notions of patriotism; in the other, neither the government nor the entire nation is privileged to dictate to any individual what the form of his patriotism shall be. The gospel of the monarchical patriotism is: "The King can do no wrong." We have adopted it with all its servility, with an unimportant change in the wording: "Our country, right or wrong!" We have thrown away the most valuable asset we had: the individual's right to oppose both flag and country when he (just he, by himself) believed them to be in the wrong. We have thrown it away; and with it all that was really respectable about that grotesque and laughable word, Patriotism. By Mark Twain Patriotism Wrong King Monarchical Government

Your actions speak so much louder than words. By Mark Twain Words Actions Speak Louder

Worrying is like paying a debt you don't owe. By Mark Twain Worrying Owe Paying Debt

Worrying is paying interest on a debt you might not even owe. By Mark Twain Worrying Owe Paying Interest Debt

Nothing helps scenery like bacon and eggs. By Mark Twain Eggs Scenery Bacon

Conservatism is the blind and fear-filled worship of dead radicals. By Mark Twain Conservatism Radicals Blind Fearfilled Worship

We had a sunset of a very fine sort. The vast plain of the sea was marked off in bands of sharply-contrasted colors: great stretches of dark blue, others of purple, others of polished bronze; the billowy mountains showed all sorts of dainty browns and greens, blues and purples and blacks, and the rounded velvety backs of certain of them made one want to stroke them, as one would the sleek back of a cat. By Mark Twain Sunset Fine Sort Sorts Backs

Each nation knowing it has the only true religion and the only sane system of government, each despising all the others, each an ass and not suspecting it. By Mark Twain Government Nation Knowing True Religion

I lost Susy thirteen years ago; I lost her motherher incomparable mother!five and a half years ago; Clara has gone away to live in Europe and now I have lost Jean. How poor I am, who was once so rich! ... Jean lies yonder, I sit here; we are strangers under our own roof; we kissed hands good-by at this door last nightand it was forever, we never suspecting it. She lies there, and I sit herewriting, busying myself, to keep my heart from breaking. How dazzling the sunshine is flooding the hills around! It is like a mockery. Seventy-four years ago twenty-four days. Seventy-four years old yesterday. Who can estimate my age today? By Mark Twain Lost Clara Susy Europe Years

We teach them to take their patriotism at second-hand; to shout with the largest crowd without examining into the right or wrong of the matter exactly as boys under monarchies are taught and have always been taught. We teach them to regard as traitors, and hold in aversion and contempt, such as do not shout with the crowd, and so here in our democracy we are cheering a thing which of all things is most foreign to it and out of place the delivery of our political conscience into somebody else's keeping. This is patriotism on the Russian plan. By Mark Twain Taught Teach Shout Secondhand Crowd

I never could keep a promise. I do not blame myself for this weakness, because the fault must lie in my physical organization. It is likely that such a very liberal amount of space was given to the organ which enables me to make promises that the organ which should enable me to keep them was crowded out. But I grieve not. I like no half-way things. I had rather have one faculty nobly developed than two faculties of mere ordinary capacity. By Mark Twain Organ Weakness Organization Promise Promises

We grant God the possession of all the qualities of mind except the one that keeps the others healthy; that watches over their dignity; that focuses their vision truehumor. By Mark Twain God Healthy Dignity Truehumor Grant

In other localities certain places in the streams are much better than others, but at Niagara one place is just as good as another, for the reason that the fish do not bite anywhere. By Mark Twain Niagara Localities Streams Good Reason

Mary Jane she set at the head of the table, with Susan alongside of her, and said how bad the biscuits was, and how mean the preserves was, and how ornery and tough the fried chickens was - and all that kind of rot, the way women always do for to force out compliments; and the people all knowed everything was tiptop, and said so - said 'How do you get biscuits to brown so nice?' and 'Where, for the land's sake, did you get these amaz'n pickles?' and all that kind of humbug talky-talk, just the way people always does at a supper, you know. By Mark Twain Kind Biscuits People Jane Susan

There is in life only one moment and in eternity only one. It is so brief that it is represented by the fleeting of a luminous mote through the thin ray of sunlight - and it is visible but a fraction of a second. The moments that preceded it have been lived, are forgotten and are without value; the moments that have not been lived have no existence and will have no value except in the moment that each shall be lived. While you are asleep you are dead; and whether you stay dead an hour or a billion years the time to you is the same. By Mark Twain Moment Moments Lived Life Eternity

What is there that confers the noblest delight? What is that which swells a man's breast with pride above that which any other experience can bring to him? Discovery! By Mark Twain Delight Confers Noblest Discovery Swells

We don't care to eat toadstools that think they are truffles. By Mark Twain Truffles Care Eat Toadstools

And always we had wars, and more wars, and still other warsall over Europe, all over the world. "Sometimes in the private interest of royal families," Satan said, "sometimes to crush a weak nation; but never a war started by the aggressor for any clean purposethere is no such war in the history of the race. By Mark Twain Europe World Warsall Wars War

Continuous improvement is better than delayed perfection. By Mark Twain Continuous Perfection Improvement Delayed

The cost of living hasn't effected its popularity. By Mark Twain Popularity Cost Living Effected

I do not mind Bedouins, - I am not afraid of them; because neither Bedouins nor ordinary Arabs have shown any disposition to harm us, but I do feel afraid of my own comrades. By Mark Twain Bedouins Afraid Arabs Comrades Mind

It is plain that there is one moral law for heaven and another for the earth. The pulpit assures us that wherever we see suffering and sorrow, which we can relieve and do not, we sin, heavily. There was never yet a case of suffering or sorrow which God could not relieve. Does He sin then? By Mark Twain Earth Plain Moral Law Heaven

I am technically "boss" of the family which I am carrying along-but I am grateful to know that it is only technically - that the real authority rests on the other side of the house. It is placed there by a beneficent Providence, who foresaw before I was born, or, if he did not, he has found it out since - that I am not in any way qualified to travel alone. By Mark Twain Technically Boss House Family Carrying

No photograph ever was good, yet, of anybody - hunger and thirst and utter wretchedness overtake the outlaw who invented it! It transforms into desperadoes the weakest of men; depicts sinless innocence upon the pictured faces of ruffians; gives the wise man the stupid leer of a fool, and the fool an expression of more than earthly wisdom. By Mark Twain Good Hunger Photograph Thirst Utter

Laughter without a tinge of philosophy is but a sneeze of humor. Genuine humor is replete with wisdom. By Mark Twain Laughter Humor Tinge Philosophy Sneeze

All the rest of [Shakespeare's] vast history, as furnished by the biographers, is built up, course upon course, of guesses, inferences, theories, conjectures - an Eiffel Tower of artificialities rising sky-high from a very flat and very thin foundation of inconsequential facts. By Mark Twain Shakespeare Inferences Theories Conjectures Eiffel

Man has been here 32,000 years. That it took a hundred million years to prepare the world for him is proof that that is what it was done for. I suppose it is. I dunno. If the Eiffel tower were now representing the world's age, the skin of paint on the pinnacle-knob at its summit would represent man's share of that age; and anybody would perceive that that skin what what the tower was built for. I reckon they would, I dunno. By Mark Twain Years Dunno World Man Age

Peter was agreeable. So Tom pried his mouth open and poured down the Pain-killer. Peter sprang a couple of yards in the air, and then delivered a war-whoop and set off round and round the room, banging against furniture, upsetting flower-pots, and making general havoc. Next he rose on his hind feet and pranced around, in a frenzy of enjoyment, with his head over his shoulder and his voice proclaiming his unappeasable happiness. Then he went tearing around the house again spreading chaos and destruction in his path. Aunt Polly entered in time to By Mark Twain Peter Agreeable Painkiller Tom Round

We take a natural interest in novelties, but it is against nature to take an interest in familiar things. By Mark Twain Interest Novelties Things Natural Nature

Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you. By Mark Twain Tree Waste Money Family Politics

The test of any good fiction is that you should care something for the characters; the good to succeed, the bad to fail. The trouble with most fiction is that you want them all to land in hell together, as quickly as possible. By Mark Twain Good Fiction Characters Succeed Fail

New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. By Mark Twain Day Year Resolutions Accepted Time

IN the morning we went up to the village and bought a wire rat-trap and fetched it down, and unstopped the best rat-hole, and in about an hour we had fifteen of the bulliest kind of ones; and then we took it and put it in a safe place under Aunt Sally's bed. But while we was gone for spiders little Thomas Franklin Benjamin Jefferson Elexander Phelps found it there, and opened the door of it to see if the rats would come out, and they did; and Aunt Sally she come in, and when we got back she was a- standing on top of the bed raising Cain, and the rats was doing what they could to keep off the dull times for her. So she took and dusted us both with the hickry, and we was as much as two hours catching another fifteen or sixteen, drat that meddlesome cub, and they warn't the likeliest, nuther, because the first haul was the pick of the flock. I never see a likelier lot of rats than what that first haul was. By Mark Twain Aunt Sally Bed Rats Rathole

A mighty porterhouse steak an inch and a half thick, hot and sputtering from the griddle; dusted with fragrant pepper; enriched with little melting bits of butter of the most impeachable freshness and genuineness; the precious juices of the meat trickling out and joining the gravy, archipelagoed with mushrooms; a township or two of tender, yellowish fat gracing an out-lying district of this ample county of beefsteak; the long white bone which divides the sirloin from the tenderloin still in its place. By Mark Twain Thick Hot Griddle Dusted Pepper

When you want genuine music music that will come right home to you like a bad quarter, suffuse your system like strychnine whisky, go right through you like Brandreth's pills, ramify your whole constitution like the measles, and break out on your hide like the pin-feather pimples on a picked goose, when you want all this, just smash your piano, and invoke the glory-beaming banjo! By Mark Twain Music Brandreth Quarter Suffuse Whisky

I speak now, of course, in the supposition that the gentle reader has not been abroad, and therefore is not already a consummate ass. If the case be otherwise, I beg his pardon and extend to him the cordial hand of fellowship and call him brother. I shall always delight to meet an ass after my own heart when I shall have finished my travels. By Mark Twain Abroad Speak Supposition Gentle Reader

God pours out love upon all with a lavish hand but He reserves vengeance for His very own. By Mark Twain God Pours Love Lavish Hand

What a lie it is to call this a free country, where none but the unworthy and undeserving may swear. By Mark Twain Country Swear Lie Call Free

Now the way that the book winds up is this: Tom and me found the money that the robbers hid in the cave, and it made us rich. We got six thousand dollars apiece - all gold. It was an awful sight of money when it was piled up. Well, Judge Thatcher he took it and put it out at interest, and it fetched us a dollar a day apiece all the year round - more than a body could tell what to do with. The Widow Douglas she took me for her son, and allowed she would sivilize me; but it was rough living in the house all the time, considering how dismal regular and decent the widow was in all her ways; and so when I couldn't stand it no longer I lit out. I got into my old rags and my sugar-hogshead again, and was free and satisfied. But Tom Sawyer he hunted me up and said he was going to start a band of robbers, and I might join if I would go back to the widow and be respectable. So I went back. By Mark Twain Widow Tom Cave Rich Money

Unconsciously we all have a standard by which we measure other men, and if we examine closely we find that this standard is a very simple one, and is this: we admire them, we envy them, for great qualities we ourselves lack. Hero worship consists in just that. Our heroes are men who do things which we recognize, with regret, and sometimes with a secret shame, that we cannot do. We find not much in ourselves to admire, we are always privately wanting to be like somebody else. If everybody was satisfied with himself, there would be no heroes. By Mark Twain Standard Unconsciously Lack Men Measure

One poor chap, who had no other grandeur to offer, said with tolerably manifest pride in the remembrance: 'Well, Tom Sawyer he licked me once.' But that bid for glory was a failure. Most of the boys could say that, and so that cheapened the distinction too much." ~From The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. Scene where the neighbor boys were lamenting over Tom's apparent drowning. By Mark Twain Tom Sawyer Chap Offer Remembrance

All war must be just the killing of strangers against whom you feel no personal animosity; strangers whom, in other circumstances, you would help if you found them in trouble, and who would help you if you needed it. By Mark Twain Strangers Animosity Circumstances Trouble War

The Bible has noble poetry in it ... and some good morals and a wealth of obscenity, and upwards of a thousand lies. By Mark Twain Bible Obscenity Lies Noble Poetry

Presently a serpent sought them out privately, and came to them walking upright, which was the way of serpents in those days. The serpent said the forbidden fruit would store their vacant minds with knowledge. So they ate it, which was quite natural, for man is so made that he eagerly wants to know; whereas the priest, like God, whose imitator and representative he is, has made it his business from the beginning to keep him from knowing any useful thing. By Mark Twain Presently Privately Upright Days Serpent

Franklin said once in one of his inspired flights of malignityEarly to bed and early to riseMake a man healthy and wealth and wise.As if it were any object to a boy to be healthy and wealthy and wise on such terms. By Mark Twain Healthy Franklin Terms Inspired Flights

When in doubt, tell the truth. That maxim I did invent, but never expected it to be applied to me. I did say, "When you are in doubt," but when I am in doubt myself I use more sagacity. By Mark Twain Doubt Truth Invent Maxim Expected

He well knew the futility of trying to contend against witches, so he gave up discouraged. But it occurred to him that he might as well have the marble he had just thrown away, and therefore he went and made a patient search for it. But he could not find it. Now he went back to his treasure-house and carefully placed himself just as he had been standing when he tossed the marble away; then he took another marble from his pocket and tossed it in the same way, saying:"Brother, go find your brother!"He watched where it stopped, and went there and looked. But it must have fallen short or gone too far; so he tried twice more. The last repetition was successful. The two marbles lay within a foot of each other. By Mark Twain Marble Witches Discouraged Brother Knew

Love is madness, if thwarted it develops fast. By Mark Twain Love Madness Fast Thwarted Develops

But perhaps the most poetical thing Pompeii has yielded to modern research, was that grand figure of a Roman soldier, clad in complete armor; who, true to his duty, true to his proud name of a soldier of Rome, and full of the stern courage which had given to that name its glory, stood to his post by the city gate, erect and unflinching, till the hell that raged around him burned out the dauntless spirit it could not conquer. We never read of Pompeii but we think of that soldier; we can not write of Pompeii without the natural impulse to grant to him the mention he so well deserves. Let us remember that he was a soldiernot a policeman and so, praise him. Being a soldier, he staid,because the warrior instinct forbade him to fly. Had he been a policeman he would have staid, alsobecause he would have been asleep. By Mark Twain Pompeii True Rome Roman Soldier

So endeth this chronicle. It being strictly a history of a boy, it must stop here; the story could not go much further without becoming the history of a man. By Mark Twain Chronicle Endeth History Boy Man

I think a compliment ought always to precede a complaint, where one is possible, because it softens resentment and insures for the complaint a courteous and gentle reception. By Mark Twain Complaint Reception Compliment Precede Softens

People talk about beautiful relationships between two persons of the same sex. What is the best of that sort as compared with the friendship of man and wife where the best impulses and highest ideals of both are the same? There is no place for comparison between the two friendships; the one is earthly, the other divine. By Mark Twain People Sex Talk Beautiful Relationships

It takes a thousand men to invent a telegraph, or a steam engine, or a phonograph, or a photograph, or a telephone or any other important thing - and the last man gets the credit and we forget the others. He added his little mite - that is all he did. These object lessons should teach us that ninety-nine parts of all things that proceed from the intellect are plagiarisms, pure and simple; and the lesson ought to make us modest. But nothing can do that. By Mark Twain Telegraph Engine Phonograph Photograph Thousand

Even the clearest and most perfect circumstantial evidence is likely to be at fault, after all, and therefore ought to be received with great caution. Take the case of any pencil, sharpened by any woman; if you have witnesses, you will find she did it with a knife; but if you take simply the aspect of the pencil, you will say that she did it with her teeth. By Mark Twain Fault Caution Pencil Clearest Perfect

Bible, and so the delivery of one of these prizes was a rare and noteworthy circumstance; By Mark Twain Bible Circumstance Delivery Prizes Rare

I reck'n I knows sense when I sees it; en dey ain' no sense in sich doin's as dat. By Mark Twain Sense Ain Dat Reckn Dey

Bekase why: would a wise man ant to live in de mid's er such a blimblammin' all de time? No'deed he wouldn't. A wise man 'ud take en buil' a biler-factry; en den he could shet down de biler-factory when he want to res'. By Mark Twain Bekase Blimblammin Time Wise Man

I reck'n I knows what I knows. By Mark Twain Reckn

This is the year 1492. I am eighty-two years of age. The things I am going to tell you are things which I saw myself as a child and as a youth. By Mark Twain Things Age Year Years Youth

If I were going to construct a God I would furnish him with some ways and qualities and characteristics which the Present One lacks ... He would spend some of His eternities in trying to forgive Himself for making man unhappy when He could have made him happy with the same effort and He would spend the rest of them in studying astronomy. By Mark Twain God Present Lacks Construct Furnish

The cat, having sat upon a hot stove lid, will not sit upon a hot stove lid again. Nor upon a cold stove lid. By Mark Twain Hot Stove Lid Cat Sat

TOM!"No answer."TOM!"No answer."What's gone with that boy, I wonder? You TOM!"No answer.The old lady pulled her spectacles down and looked over them about the room; then she put them up and looked out under them. She seldom or never looked THROUGH them for so small a thing as a boy; they were her state pair, the pride of her heart, and were built for "style," not service she could have seen through a pair of stove-lids just as well. By Mark Twain Tom Answer Boy Looked Pair

So far as I am able to judge, nothing has been left undone, either by man or nature, to make India the most extraordinary country that the sun visits on his rounds. Nothing seems to have been forgotten, nothing overlooked. By Mark Twain India Judge Undone Nature Rounds

Then he skipped out, and saw Sid just starting up the outside stairway that led to the back rooms on the second floor. Clods were handy and the air was full of them in a twinkling. They raged around Sid like a hail-storm; and before Aunt Polly could collect her surprised faculties and sally to the rescue, six or seven clods had taken personal effect, and Tom was over the fence and gone. There was a gate, but as a general thing he was too crowded for time to make use of it. His soul was at peace, now that he had settled with Sid for calling attention to his black thread and getting him into trouble. By Mark Twain Sid Floor Skipped Starting Stairway

James Elly Kleinman, a cousin of mine was seriously ill two or three weeks ago, in New York, but is well now. The report of my illness grew out of his illness, the report of my death was an exaggeration. By Mark Twain Kleinman York Elly James Ago

A hypocritical businessman, whose fortune had been the misfortune of many others, told Mark Twain piously, "Before I die I intend to make a pilgrimage to the Holy Land. I want to climb to the top of Mount Sinai and read the Ten Commandments aloud." "I have a better idea," suggested Twain. "Why don't you stay right at home in Boston and keep them? By Mark Twain Land Mark Holy Twain Businessman

As one boy said, 'I was thinking all these horrible thoughts about my parents when suddenly it hit me-if they're all that bad, how come I'm so wonderful' By Mark Twain Bad Wonderful Boy Thinking Horrible

Don't let schooling interfere with your education. By Mark Twain Education Schooling Interfere

Never let your education interfere with your learning. By Mark Twain Learning Education Interfere

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. By Mark Twain Education Schooling Interfere

God created war so that Americans would learn geography. By Mark Twain Americans God Geography Created War

The dream vocabulary shaves meanings finer and closer than do the world's daytime dictionaries. By Mark Twain Dictionaries Dream Vocabulary Shaves Meanings

I am trying to get the hang of this new fangled writing machine, but I am not making a shining success of it. However, this is the first attempt I have ever made & yet I perceive I shall soon & easily acquire a fine facility in its use ... The machine has several virtues. I believe it will print faster than I can write. One may lean back in his chair & work it. It piles an awful stack of words on one page. It don't muss things or scatter ink blots around. Of course it saves paper. By Mark Twain Hang Fangled Writing Making Shining

To get the right word in the right place is a rare achievement. To condense the diffused light of a page of thought into the luminous flash of a single sentence, is worthy to rank as a prize composition just by itself ... Anybody can have ideasthe difficulty is to express them without squandering a quire of paper on an idea that ought to be reduced to one glittering paragraph. By Mark Twain Achievement Word Place Rare Sentence

T[he rules of writing] require that the episodes in a tale shall be necessary parts of the tale, and shall help to develop it. By Mark Twain Writing Require Tale Rules Episodes

Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation. By Mark Twain Wit Relation Sudden Marriage Ideas

In Austria an editor who can write well is valuable, but he is not likely to remain so unless he can handle a sabre with charm. By Mark Twain Austria Valuable Charm Editor Write

Use the right word, not its second cousin. By Mark Twain Word Cousin

A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it. By Mark Twain Successful Book Made Left

Men write many fine and plausible arguments in support of monarchy, but the fact remains that where every man has a voice, brutal laws are impossible By Mark Twain Men Monarchy Voice Brutal Impossible

It is no use to keep private information which you can't show off. By Mark Twain Private Information Show

Experience is an author's most valuable asset; experience is the thing that puts the muscle and the breath and the warm blood into the book he writes. By Mark Twain Experience Asset Writes Author Valuable

Write without pay until somebody offers to pay. By Mark Twain Write Pay Offers

Don't look at the world with your hands in your pockets. To write about it you have to reach out and touch it. By Mark Twain Pockets World Hands Write Reach

Whatever you have lived, you can write & by hard work & a genuine apprenticeship, you can learn to write well; but what you have not lived you cannot write, you can only pretend to write it ... By Mark Twain Write Lived Work Apprenticeship Hard

Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream. By Mark Twain Screamed Lady Bring Scream

Tout les jours you are coming some fresh game or other on me, mais vous ne pouvez pas play this savon dodge on me twice! By Mark Twain Tout Mais Les Jours Coming

There are some books that refuse to be written. They stand their ground year after year and will not be persuaded. It isn't because the book is not there and worth being written it is only because the right form of the story does not present itself. There is only one right form for a story and if you fail to find that form the story will not tell itself. By Mark Twain Form Story Refuse Written Year

Write what you know. By Mark Twain Write

The time to begin writing an article is when you have finished it to your satisfaction. By that time you begin to clearly and logically perceive what it is you really want to say. By Mark Twain Satisfaction Time Begin Writing Article

If ever you've been down in the dumps, hear these iconic authors share with you more than their writing wisdom. By Mark Twain Dumps Hear Wisdom Iconic Authors

If we learned to walk and talk the way we learn to read and write, everyone would limp and stutter. By Mark Twain Write Stutter Learned Walk Talk

I have thought many times since that if poets when they get discouraged would blow their brains out, they could write very much better when they got well. By Mark Twain Thought Times Poets Discouraged Blow

Experience of life (not of books) is the only capital usable in such a book as you have attempted; one can make no judicious use of this capital while it is new. By Mark Twain Capital Experience Life Attempted Usable

Eschew surplusage. By Mark Twain Eschew Surplusage

If I'd seen a playwright ever write an' play at the same time, I'd have given 'em more of a chance at cards. Can I get an 'amen?' By Mark Twain Play Time Cards Playwright Write

Writing is the easiest thing in the world ... Just try it sometime. I sit up with a pipe in my mouth and a board on my knees and I scribble away. By Mark Twain Writing World Easiest Thing Sit

A distinguished man should be as particular about his last words as he is about his last breath. He should write them out on a slip of paper and take the judgment of his friends on them. He should never leave such a thing to the last hour of his life, and trust to an intellectual spurt at the last moment to enable him to say something smart with his latest gasp and launch into eternity with grandeur. By Mark Twain Breath Distinguished Man Words Write

We write frankly and freely, but then we modify before we print. By Mark Twain Freely Print Write Frankly Modify

I haven't any right to criticize books, and I don't do it except when I hate them. I often want to criticize Jane Austen, but her books madden me so that I can't conceal my frenzy from the reader; and therefore I have to stop every time I begin. Every time I read Pride and Prejudice I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone. By Mark Twain Criticize Books Time Hate Austen

Which is him? The grammar was faulty, maybe, but we could not know, then, that it would go in a book someday. By Mark Twain Faulty Someday Grammar Book

Tom found himself writing "BECKY" in the sand with his big toe; he scratched it out, and was angry with himself for his weakness. But he wrote it again, nevertheless; he could not help it. By Mark Twain Becky Tom Writing Toe Weakness

Let us guess that whenever we read a sentence & like it, we unconsciously store it away in our model-chamber; & it goes, with the myriad of its fellows, to the building, brick by brick, of the eventual edifice which we call our style. By Mark Twain Brick Sentence Modelchamber Fellows Building

When I want to read something nice, I sit down and write it myself. By Mark Twain Nice Read Sit Write

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. By Mark Twain Substitute Damn Write Time Inclined

Every man feels that his experience is unlike that of anybody else and therefore he should write it down he finds also that everybody else has thought and felt on some points precisely as he has done, and therefore he should write it down. By Mark Twain Write Man Feels Experience Unlike

Use what you stand for and what you oppose as a foundation to write great content that resonates with readers and creates a ripple effect. By Mark Twain Effect Stand Oppose Foundation Write

When you catch an adjective, kill it. By Mark Twain Adjective Kill Catch

As to the adjective: when in doubt, strike it out. By Mark Twain Adjective Doubt Strike

There ain't nothing more to write about and I'm rotten glad of it, because if I'd know'd what trouble it was to make a book, I wouldn't a tackled it. By Mark Twain Book Write Rotten Glad Trouble

In writing, I shall always confine myself strictly to the truth, except when it is attended with inconvenience. By Mark Twain Writing Truth Inconvenience Confine Strictly

Writing is easy. All you have to do is cross out the wrong words. By Mark Twain Writing Easy Words Cross Wrong

One should never use exclamation points in writing. It is like laughing at your own joke. By Mark Twain Writing Exclamation Points Joke Laughing

I don't speak German well but several experts have assured me that I write it like an angel. Maybe so, maybe so- I don't know. I've not yet made any acquaintances among the angels. That comes later, whenever it please the Deity. I'm not in any hurry. By Mark Twain German Speak Experts Assured Write

Perfect grammarpersistent, continuous, sustainedis the fourth dimension, so to speak: many have sought it, but none has found it. By Mark Twain Continuous Perfect Grammarpersistent Sustainedis Dimension

The writing begins when you've finished. Only then do you know what you're trying to say. By Mark Twain Finished Writing Begins

I know grammar by ear only, not by note, not by the rules. By Mark Twain Note Rules Grammar Ear

AhFergusonwhatwhat did you say was the name of the party who wrote this?" "Christopher Colombo! ze great Christopher Colombo!" Another deliberate examination. "Ahdid he write it himself; oror how?" "He write it himself!Christopher Colombo! He's own hand-writing, write by himself!" Then the doctor laid the document down and said: "Why, I have seen boys in America only fourteen years old that could write better than that. By Mark Twain Colombo Christopher Write Ahfergusonwhatwhat Party

It is a good thing to write for the amusement of the public, but it is a far higher and nobler thing to write for their instruction, their profit, their actual and tangible benefit. By Mark Twain Write Thing Public Instruction Profit

God only exhibits his thunder and lightning at intervals, and so they always command attention. By Mark Twain God Intervals Attention Exhibits Thunder

I don't have time to write you a short letter, so I'm writing you a long one instead. By Mark Twain Letter Time Write Short Writing

No one can write perfect English and keep it up through a stretch of ten chapters. It has never been done. By Mark Twain English Chapters Write Perfect Stretch

I conceive that the right way to write a story for boys is to write so that it will not only interest boys but strongly interest any man who has ever been a boy. That immensely enlarges the audience. By Mark Twain Write Interest Boys Conceive Story

The trade of critic, in literature, music, and the drama, is the most degraded of all trades. By Mark Twain Music Critic Literature Drama Degraded

That cat will write her autograph all over your leg if you let her. By Mark Twain Cat Write Autograph Leg

The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter. 'tis the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning. By Mark Twain Word Difference Matter Large Lightning

If the writer doesn't sweat, the reader will. By Mark Twain Sweat Writer Reader

It is not well, when writing an autobiography, to follow your ancestry down too close to your own time - it is safest to speak only vaguely of your great-grandfather, and then skip from there to yourself, which I now do. I was born without teeth - and there Richard III had the advantage of me; but I was born without a humpback, likewise, and there I had the advantage of him. My parents were neither very poor nor conspicuously honest. But By Mark Twain Autobiography Time Greatgrandfather Born Advantage

When an honest writer discovers an imposition it is his simple duty to strip it bare and hurl it down from its place of honor, no matter who suffers by it; any other course would render him unworthy of the public confidence. By Mark Twain Honor Confidence Honest Writer Discovers

When you catch an adjective, kill it. No, I don't mean utterly, but kill most of themthen the rest will be valuable. They weaken when they are close together. They give strength when they are far apart. By Mark Twain Adjective Kill Catch Utterly Valuable

The primary rule of business success is loyalty to your employer. That's all right as a theory. What is the matter with loyalty to yourself? By Mark Twain Employer Loyalty Primary Rule Business

This morning arrives a letter from my ancient silver-mining comrade, Calvin H. Higbie, a man whom I have not seen nor had communication with for forty-four years ... [Footnote: Roughing It is dedicated to Higbie.] ... I shall allow myself the privilege of copying his punctuation and his spelling, for to me they are a part of the man. He is as honest as the day is long. He is utterly simple-minded and straightforward, and his spelling and his punctuation are as simple and honest as he is himself. He makes no apology for them, and no apology is needed. By Mark Twain Higbie Calvin Comrade Years Footnote

It will take mind and memory months and possibly years to gather together the details, and thus learn and know the whole extent of the loss. By Mark Twain Details Loss Mind Memory Months

Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms. By Mark Twain Lord Blossoms Save Age Broken

Pretty soon I wanted to smoke, and asked the widow to let me. But she wouldn't. She said it was a mean practice and wasn't clean, and I must try to not do it any more. That is just the way with some people. They get down on a thing when they don't know nothing about it. Here she was a-bothering about Moses, which was no kin to her, and no use to anybody, being gone, you see, yet finding a power of fault with me for doing a thing that had some good in it. And she took snuff, too; of course that was all right, because she done it herself. By Mark Twain Pretty Smoke Wanted Asked Widow

The law of work seems unfair, but nothing can change it; the more enjoyment you get out of your work, the more money you will make. By Mark Twain Work Unfair Make Law Change

It had not occurred to anybody in the crowd - that simple trick of inquiring about somebody who wasn't ten thousand miles away. The magician was hit hard; it was an emergency that had never happened in his experience before, and it corked him; he didn't know how to meet it. By Mark Twain Crowd Occurred Simple Trick Inquiring

No throne exists that has a right to exist, and no symbol of it, flying from any flagstaff, is righteously entitled to wear any device but the skull and crossbones of that kindred industry which differs from royalty only businesswise-merely as retail differs from wholesale. By Mark Twain Differs Flying Flagstaff Wholesale Throne

You know that kind of quiver that trembles around through you when you are seeing something so strange and enchanting and wonderful that it is just a fearful joy to be alive and look at it; and you know how you gaze, and your lips turn dry and your breath comes short, but you wouldn't be anywhere but there, not for the world. By Mark Twain Gaze Short World Kind Quiver

I had to have company I was made for it, I think so I made friends with the animals. They are just charming, and they have the kindest disposition and the politest ways; they never look sour, they never let you feel that you are intruding, they smile at you and wag their tail, if they've got one, and they are always ready for a romp or an excursion or anything you want to propose. By Mark Twain Made Animals Company Friends Charming

But I have never ceased to think of that girl. I have written to her, but I can not direct the epistle because her name is one of those nine-jointed Russian affairs, and there are not letters enough in our alphabet to hold out. I am not reckless enough to try to pronounce it when I am awake, but I make a stagger at it in my dreams, By Mark Twain Girl Ceased Russian Affairs Written

There was no Pacific railroad in those fine times of ten or twelve years ago - not a single rail of it. I only proposed to stay in Nevada three months - I had no thought of staying longer than that. I meant to see all I could that was new and strange, and then hurry home to business. I little thought that I would not see the end of that three-month pleasure excursion for six or seven uncommonly long years! By Mark Twain Pacific Ago Railroad Fine Times

The mere mention of a witch was almost enough to frighten us out of our wits. This was natural enough, because of late years there were more kinds of witches than there used to be; in old times it had been only old women, but of late years they were of all ages - even children of eight and nine; it was getting so that anybody might turn out to be a familiar of the Devil - age and sex hadn't anything to do with it. In our little region we had tried to extirpate the witches, but the more of them we burned the more of the breed rose up in their places. By Mark Twain Wits Late Mere Mention Witch

As soon as a man recognizes that he has drifted into age, he gets reminiscent. He wants to talk and talk; and not about the present or the future, but about his old times. For there is where the pathos of his life lies - and the charm of it. The pathos of it is there because it was opulent with treasures that are gone, and the charm of it is in casting them up from the musty ledgers and remembering how rich and gracious they were. By Mark Twain Age Reminiscent Man Recognizes Drifted

Never tell a lie-except for practice. By Mark Twain Practice Lieexcept

Saturday morning was come, and all the summer world was bright and fresh, and brimming with life. There was a song in every heart; and if the heart was young, the music issued at the lips. There was cheer in every face and a spring in every step. The locust-trees were in bloom, and the fragrance of the blossoms filled the air. Cardiff Hill, beyond the village and above, it was green with vegetation, and it lay just far enough away to seem a Delectable Land, dreamy, reposeful, and inviting. By Mark Twain Saturday Fresh Life Morning Summer

We are strange beings, we seem to go free, but we go in chains - chains of training, custom, convention, association, environment - in a word, Circumstance, and against these bonds the strongest of us struggle in vain. By Mark Twain Circumstance Custom Convention Association Environment

Look at the tyranny of party at what is called party allegiance, party loyalty a snare invented by designing men for selfish purposes and which turns voters into chattels, slaves, rabbits; and all the while, their masters, and they themselves are shouting rubbish about liberty, independence, freedom of opinion, freedom of speech, honestly unconscious of the fantastic contradiction; and forgetting or ignoring that their fathers and the churches shouted the same blasphemies a generation earlier when they were closing thier doors against the hunted slave, beating his handful of humane defenders with Bible-texts and billies, and pocketing the insults nad licking the shoes of his Southern master. By Mark Twain Freedom Party Bibletexts Southern Rabbits

Say, do we kill the women too?""Well, Ben Rogers, if I was as ignorant as you I wouldn't let on. Kill the women? No; nobody ever saw anything in the books like that. You fetch them to the cave, and you're always as polite as pie to them; and by and by they fall in love with you, and never want to go home anymore. By Mark Twain Ben Rogers Kill Women Ignorant

We Americans worship the almighty dollar! Well, it is a worthier god than Heredity Privilege. By Mark Twain Americans Dollar Privilege Worship Almighty

Well, Judge Thatcher he took it and put it out at interest, and it fetched us a dollar a day apiece all the year round - more than a body could tell what to do with. By Mark Twain Judge Thatcher Interest Round Put

My advice to girls: first, don't smoke - to excess; second, don't drink - to excess; third, don't marry - to excess. By Mark Twain Excess Girls Smoke Drink Marry

Satan was not disturbed, but I could not endure it, and had to be whisked out of there. I was faint and sick, but the fresh air revived me, and we walked toward my home. I said it was a brutal thing. "No, it was a human thing. You should not insult the brutes by such a misuse of that word; they have not deserved it," and he went on talking like that. "It is like your paltry race - always lying, always claiming virtues which it hasn't got, always denying them to the higher animals, which alone possess them. No brute ever does a cruel thing - that is the monopoly of those with the Moral Sense. When a brute inflicts pain he does it innocently; it is not wrong; for him there is no such thing as wrong. And he does not inflict pain for the pleasure of inflicting it - only man does that. Inspired by that mongrel Moral Sense of his! By Mark Twain Thing Satan Disturbed Moral Sense

Don't use a five-dollar word when a fifty-cent word will do. By Mark Twain Word Fivedollar Fiftycent

Here they come, a tilting! Five hundred mailed and belted knights on bicycles! By Mark Twain Tilting Bicycles Hundred Mailed Belted

Each season brings a world of enjoyment and interest in the watching of its unfolding, its gradual harmonious development, its culminating graces-and just as one begins to tire of it, it passes away and a radical change comes, with new witcheries and new glories in its train. By Mark Twain Unfolding Development Train Season Brings

So the king went all through the crowd with his hat swabbing his eyes, and blessing the people and praising them and thanking them for being so good to the poor pirates away off there; and every little while the prettiest kind of girls, with the tears running down their cheeks, would up and ask him would he let them kiss him for to remember him by; and he always done it; and some of them he hugged and kissed as many as five or six times - and he was invited to stay a week; and everybody wanted him to live in their houses, and said they'd think it was an honor; but he said as this was the last day of the camp-meeting he couldn't do no good, and besides he was in a sweat to get to the Indian Ocean right off and go to work on the pirates. When By Mark Twain Good Pirates Indian Ocean Eyes

Custom is custom: it is built of brass, boiler-iron, granite; facts, reasonings, arguments have no more effect upon it than the idle winds have upon Gibraltar. By Mark Twain Boileriron Granite Facts Reasonings Gibraltar

I've dealt with many crises in my life, but few will ever happen. By Mark Twain Life Happen Dealt Crises

My father was an amazing man. The older I got, the smarter he got. By Mark Twain Man Father Amazing Older Smarter

Are you so unobservant as not to have found out that sanity and happiness are an impossible combination? No sane man can be happy, for to him life is real, and he sees what a fearful thing it is. Only the mad can be happy, and not many of those. The few that imagine themselves kings or gods are happy, the rest are no happier than the sane. Of course, no man is entirely in his right mind at any time, but I have been referring to the extreme cases. I have taken from this man that trumpery thing which the race regards as a Mind; I have replaced his tin life with a silver-gilt fiction; you see the resultand you criticize! By Mark Twain Happy Combination Man Unobservant Found

A private should preserve a respectful attitude toward his superiors, and should seldom or never proceed so far as to offer suggestions to his general in the field. If the battle is not being conducted to suit him, it is better for him to resign. By the etiquette of war, it is permitted to none below the rank of newspaper correspondent to dictate to the general in the field. By Mark Twain Field Superiors General Private Preserve

Presently a vagrant poodle dog came idling along, sad at heart, lazy with the summer softness and the quiet, weary of captivity, sighing for change. By Mark Twain Presently Sad Heart Lazy Quiet

Such is professional jealousy; a scientist will never show any kindness for a theory which he did not start himself. There is no feeling of brotherhood among these people. Indeed, they always resent it when I call them brother. To show how far their ungenerosity can carry them, I will state that I offered to let Prof. Hy publish my great theory as his own discovery; I even begged him to do it; I even proposed to print it myself as his theory. Instead of thanking me, he said that if I tried to fasten that theory on him he would sue me for slander. By Mark Twain Theory Jealousy Professional Scientist Kindness

At first when the Paladin heard us tell about the glories of the Royal Audience he was broken-hearted because he was not taken with us to it; next, his talk was full of what he would have done if he had been there; and within two days he was telling what he did do when he was there. By Mark Twain Paladin Royal Audience Heard Glories

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money. By Mark Twain Friendship Lifetime Money Holy Passion

The stranger's first feeling, when suddenly confronted by that towering and awful apparition wrapped in its shroud of snow, is breath-taking astonishment. It is as if heaven's gates had swung open and exposed the throne. (Twain on seeing the Jungfrau.) By Mark Twain Feeling Snow Astonishment Stranger Suddenly

I have never tried, in even one single little instance, to help cultivate the cultivated classes. I was not equipped for it either by native gifts or training. And I never had any ambition in that direction, but always hunted for bigger gamethe masses. - Mark Twain, a Biography By Mark Twain Instance Classes Single Cultivate Cultivated

The small mound I have mentioned a while ago was once occupied by the Phenician city of Laish. A party of filibusters from Zorah and Eschol captured the place, and lived there in a free and easy way, worshiping gods of their own manufacture and stealing idols from their neighbors whenever they wore their own out. Jeroboam set up a golden calf here to fascinate his people and keep them from making dangerous trips to Jerusalem to worship, which might result in a return to their rightful allegiance. With all respect for those ancient Israelites, I can not overlook the fact that they were not always virtuous enough to withstand the seductions of a golden calf. Human nature has not changed much since then. By Mark Twain Laish Phenician Small Mound Mentioned

Training- training is everything; training is all there is to a person. We speak of nature; it is folly; there is no such thing as nature; what we call by that misleading name is merely heredity and training. We have no thoughts of our own, no opinions of our own; they are transmitted to us, trained into us. By Mark Twain Training Person Nature Folly Speak

Our heroes are men who do things which we recognize, with regret, and sometimes with a secret shame, that we cannot do. By Mark Twain Recognize Regret Shame Heroes Men

One frequently only finds out how really beautiful a women is, until after considerable acquaintance with her. By Mark Twain Frequently Finds Beautiful Women Considerable

Syrian travel has its interesting features, like travel in any other part of the world, and yet to break your leg or have the cholera adds a welcome variety to it. By Mark Twain Syrian Features World Travel Interesting

There is nothing like instances to grow hair on a bald-headed argument. By Mark Twain Argument Instances Grow Hair Baldheaded

I could see he meant no offense, but in my thoughts I set it down as not very good manners."Manners!" he said. "Why, it is merely the truth, and truth is good manners; manners are a fiction. By Mark Twain Manners Offense Manners Good Meant

There have been innumerable Temporary Seekers after the Truth-have you ever heard of a permanent one? By Mark Twain Temporary Seekers Truthhave Innumerable Heard

The cigar-box which the European calls a 'lift' needs but to be compared with our elevators to be appreciated. The lift stops to reflect between floors. That is all right in a hearse, but not in elevators. The American elevator acts like a man's patent purge-it works. By Mark Twain European Appreciated Lift Cigarbox Calls

The very next morning at daylight such parties are sure to be found lying up some back alley, contentedly waiting for the hearse. By Mark Twain Alley Contentedly Hearse Morning Daylight

October: This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February. By Mark Twain October January September April November

A public library is the most enduring of memorials, the trustiest monument for the preservation of an event or a name or an affection; for it, and it only, is respected by wars and revolutions, and survives them.[Letter to the Millicent (Rogers) Library, February 22, 1894] By Mark Twain Rogers February Library Letter Millicent

An Autobiography is the truest of all books,for while it inevitably consists mainly of extinctions of the truth, shirkings of the truth, partial revealments of the truth, with hardly an instance of plain straight truth, the remorseless truth is there, between the lines, where the author-cat is raking dust upon it which hides from the disinterested spectator neither it nor its smell (though I didn't use that figure)the result being that the reader knows the author in spite of his wily diligences. By Mark Twain Truth Autobiography Shirkings Partial Lines

The motto stated a lie. If this nation has ever trusted in God, that time has gone by; for nearly half a century almost its entire trust has been in the Republican party and the dollarmainly the dollar. I recognize that I am only making an assertion and furnishing no proof; I am sorry, but this is a habit of mine; sorry also that I am not alone in it; everybody seems to have this disease. By Mark Twain Lie Motto Stated God Republican

True love is the only heart disease that is best left to "run on"the only affection of the heart for which there is no help, and none desired. By Mark Twain Heart True Run Desired Love

The difference between nonfiction and fiction is that fiction must be absolutely believable. By Mark Twain Believable Fiction Difference Nonfiction Absolutely

Cave is a good word ... The memory of a cave I used to know was always in my mind, with its lofty passages, its silence and solitude, its shrouding gloom, its sepulchral echoes, its fleeting lights, and more than all, its sudden revelations ... By Mark Twain Word Cave Good Mind Passages

It is not like studying German, where you mull along, in a groping, uncertain way, for thirty years; and at last, just as you think you've got it, they spring the subjunctive on you, and there you are. No- and I see now plainly enough, that the great pity about the German language is, that you can't fall off it and hurt yourself. There is nothing like that feature to make you attend strictly to business. By Mark Twain German Groping Uncertain Years Studying

Everything in moderation except whiskey, and sometimes too much whiskey is just enough. By Mark Twain Whiskey Moderation

The voyagers visited the Natchez Indians, near the site of the present city of that name, where they found a 'religious and political despotism, a privileged class descended from the sun, a temple and a sacred fire.' It must have been like getting home again; it was home with an advantage, in fact, for it lacked Louis XIV. By Mark Twain Indians Natchez Religious Despotism Sun

The master minds of all nations, in all ages, have sprung in affluent multitude from the mass of the nations, and from the mass of the nation only-not from its privileged classes. By Mark Twain Mass Nations Ages Classes Master

December is the toughest month of the year. Others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, October, August, and February. By Mark Twain January September April November March

Man is the only religious animal. In the Holy task of smoothing his brother's path to the happiness of heaven, he has turned the globe into a graveyard. By Mark Twain Man Animal Religious Holy Heaven

Our best built certainties are but sand-houses and subject to damage from any wind of doubt that blows By Mark Twain Blows Built Certainties Sandhouses Subject

Satan must have been pretty simple, even according to the New Testament, or he wouldn't have led Christ up on a high mountain and offered him the world if he would fall down and worship him. That was a manifestly absurd proposition, because Christ, as the Son of God, already owned the world; and besides, what Satan showed him was only a few rocky acres of Palestine. It is just as if some one should try to buy Rockefeller, the owner of all the Standard Oil Company, with a gallon of kerosene. By Mark Twain Testament Christ Satan World Simple

In the afternoon the ship's company assembled aft, on deck, under the awnings; the flute, the asthmatic meodeon, and the consumptive clarinet crippled the Star Spangled Banner, the choir chased it to cover, and George came in with a peculiarly lacerating screech on the final note and slaughtered it. Nobody mourned. We carried out the corpse on three cheers (that joke was not intentional and I do not endorse it). By Mark Twain Banner Star Spangled George Aft

Satan!" "Oh, it's true. I know your race. It is made up of sheep. It is governed by minorities, seldom or never by majorities. It suppresses its feelings and its beliefs and follows the handful that makes the most noise. Sometimes the noisy handful is right, sometimes wrong; but no matter, the crowd follows it. The vast majority of the race, whether savage or civilized, are secretly kind-hearted and shrink from inflicting pain, but in the presence of the aggressive and pitiless minority they don't dare to assert themselves. By Mark Twain Satan Race Handful True Sheep

Among you boys you have a game: you stand a row of bricks on end a few inches apart; you push a brick, it knocks its neighbor over, the neighbor knocks over the next brickand so on till all the row is prostrate. That is human life. A child's first act knocks over the initial brick, and the rest will follow inexorably. If you could see into the future, as I can, you would see everything that was going to happen to that creature; for nothing can change the order of its life after the first event has determined it. That is, nothing will change it, because each act unfailingly begets an act, that act begets another, and so on to the end, and the seer can look forward down the line and see just when each act is to have birth, from cradle to grave. By Mark Twain Row Neighbor Act Knocks Game

It is by the goodness of god that in our country we have those 3 unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them. By Mark Twain Freedom Unspeakably Things Speech Conscience

The moral of it is this: If you are of any account, stay at home and make your way by faithful diligence; but if you are 'no account,' go away from home, and then you will have to work, whether you want to or not. Thus you become a blessing to your friends by ceasing to be a nuisance to them-if the people you go among suffer by the operation. By Mark Twain Account Home Stay Diligence Work

I bring you this stately matron named Christendom, returning bedraggled, besmirched, and dishonored from pirate raids in Kiao-Chow, Manchuria, South Africa, and the Phillipines, with her soul full of meanness, her pocket full of boodle, and her mouth full of pious hypocrisies. Give her soap and a towel, but hide the looking-glass. By Mark Twain Manchuria Full Christendom South Africa

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. Overnight success is a fallacy. It is preceded by a great deal of preparation. Ask any successful person how they came to this point in their lives, and they will have a story to tell. By Mark Twain Speech Weeks Prepare Good Impromptu

All right, then, I'll go to hell' -and tore it up.It was awful thoughts, and awful words, but they was said. And I let them stay said; and never thought no more about reforming. I shoved the whole thing out of my head; and I said I would take up wickedness again, which was in my line, being brung up to it, and the other warn't. And for a starter, I would go to work and steal Jim out of slavery again; and if I could think up anything worse, I would do that, too; because as long as I was in, and in for good, I might as well go the whole hog. By Mark Twain Awful Hell Words Tore Upit

When you recollect something which belonged in an earlier chapter, do not go back, but jam it in where you are . Discursiveness does not hurt an autobiography in the least. By Mark Twain Discursiveness Chapter Back Recollect Belonged

Education is what you must acquire without any interference from your schooling. By Mark Twain Education Schooling Acquire Interference

Evidence ... proves that prohibition only drives drunkenness behind closed doors and into dark places, and it does not cure it or even diminish it. By Mark Twain Evidence Proves Places Prohibition Drives

We are always hearing of people who are around seeking after the Truth. I have never seen a (permanent) specimen. I think he has never lived. But I have seen several entirely sincere people who thought they were (permanent) Seekers after the Truth. They sought diligently, persistently, carefully, cautiously, profoundly, with perfect honesty and nicely adjusted judgment- until they believed that without doubt or question they had found the Truth. That was the end of the search. The man spent the rest of his hunting up shingles wherewith to protect his Truth from the weather. By Mark Twain Truth Permanent Hearing Seeking People

He said that man's heart was the only bad heart in the animal kingdom; that man was the only animal capable of feeling malice, envy, vindictiveness, revengefulness, hatred, selfishness, the only animal that loves drunkenness, almost the only animal that could endure personal uncleanliness and a filthy habitation, the sole animal in whom was fully developed the base instinct called patriotism, the sole animal that robs, persecutes, oppresses and kills members of his own tribe, the sole animal that steals and enslaves the members of any tribe. By Mark Twain Animal Sole Tribe Man Members

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. By Mark Twain Ambitions People Belittle Great Small

Stay away from people who belittle your ambition, small people do that, but great people make you like to be great! By Mark Twain People Stay Ambition Small Great

Near by is an interesting ruin - the meagre remains of an ancient heathen temple - a place where human sacrifices were offered up in those old bygone days when the simple child of Nature, yielding momentarily to sin when sorely tempted, acknowledged his error when calm reflection had shown it him, and came forward with noble frankness and offered up his grandmother as an atoning sacrifice - in those old days when the luckless sinner could keep on cleansing his conscience and achieving periodical happiness as long as his relations held out; By Mark Twain Nature Offered Days Ruin Temple

In all the ages the Roman Church has owned slaves, bought and sold slaves, authorized and encouraged her children to trade in them ... There were the texts; there was no mistaking their meaning; ... she was doing in all this thing what the Bible had mapped out for her to do. So unassailable was her position that in all the centuries she had no word to say against human slavery. By Mark Twain Slaves Roman Church Bought Authorized

Evolution is the law of policies: Darwin said it, Socrates endorsed it, Cuvier proved it and established it for all time in his paper on 'The Survival of the Fittest.' These are illustrious names, this is a mighty doctrine: nothing can ever remove it from its firm base, nothing dissolve it, but evolution. By Mark Twain Darwin Socrates Cuvier Fittest Survival

That is the way of the scientist. He will spend thirty years in building up a mountain range of facts with the intent to prove a certain theory; then he is so happy with his achievement that as a rule he overlooks the main chief fact of all-that all his accumulation proves an entirely different thing. By Mark Twain Scientist Theory Thing Spend Thirty

It's considered good sportsmanship not to pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. By Mark Twain Rolling Considered Good Sportsmanship Pick

Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat. By Mark Twain Noah Boat Pity Party Miss

The gentle reader will never, never know what a consummate ass he can become until he goes abroad. I speak now, of course, in the supposition that the gentle reader has not been abroad, and therefore is not already a consummate ass. If the case be otherwise, I beg his pardon and extend to him the cordial hand of fellowship and call him brother. I shall always delight to meet an ass after my own heart when I have finished my travels. By Mark Twain Gentle Consummate Abroad Ass Reader

In the beginning of a change the patriot is a scarce man, and brave, and hated and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot. By Mark Twain Man Brave Scorned Patriot Beginning

Don't go to sleep, so many people die there. By Mark Twain Sleep People Die

The Church worked hard at it night and day during nine centuries and imprisoned, tortured, hanged, and burned whole hordes and armies of witches, and washed the Christian world clean with their foul blood. Then it was discovered that there was no such thing as witches, and never had been. One doesn't know whether to laugh or to cry. Who discovered that there was no such thing as a witch - the priest, the parson? No, these never discover anything. By Mark Twain Church Christian Witches Tortured Hanged

Wherein lies a poet's claim to originality? That he invents his incidents? No. That he was present when his episodes had their birth? No. That he was first to repeat them? No. None of these things has any value. He confers on them their only originality that has any value, and that is his way of telling them. By Mark Twain Lies Poet Claim Originality Incidents

Man is the only animal that deals in that atrocity of atrocities War. He is the only one that gathers his brethren about him and goes forth in cold blood and calm pulse to exterminate his kind. He is the only animal that for sordid wages will march out ... and help to slaughter strangers of his own species who have done him no harm and with whom he has no quarrel ... And in the intervals between campaigns he washes the blood off his hands and works for the universal brotherhood of man with his mouth. By Mark Twain War Animal Deals Atrocity Atrocities

The spirit of Christianity proclaims the brotherhood of the race and the meaning of that strong word has not been left to guesswork, but made tremendously definite - the Christian must forgive his brother man all crimes he can imagine and commit, and all insults he can conceive and utter - forgive these injuries how many times? - seventy times seven - another way of saying there shall be no limit to this forgiveness. That is the spirit and the law of Christianity. By Mark Twain Forgive Christian Christianity Times Guesswork

The universal brotherhood of man is our most precious possession. By Mark Twain Possession Universal Brotherhood Man Precious

Pity is for the living, envy is for the dead.Death, the refuge, the solace, the best and kindliest and most prized friend and benefactor of the erring, the forsaken, the old and weary and broken of heart. By Mark Twain Pity Living Envy Deaddeath Refuge

Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it. By Mark Twain Jane Austen Library Omission Make

Outside influences, outside circumstances, wind the MAN and regulate him. Left to himself, he wouldn't get regulated at all, and the sort of time he would keep would not be valuable. Some rare men are wonderful watches, with gold case, compensation balance, and all those things, and some men are only simple and sweet and humble Waterburys. I am a Waterbury. By Mark Twain Man Influences Circumstances Wind Regulate

Wherefore, I beseech you let the dog and the onions and these people of the strange and godless names work out their several salvations from their piteous and wonderful difficulties without help of mine, for indeed their trouble is sufficient as it is, whereas an I tried to help I should but damage their cause the more and yet mayhap not live myself to see the desolation wrought. By Mark Twain Wherefore Mine Wrought Beseech Dog

This is indeed India! ... . The land of dreams and romance, of fabulous wealth and fabulous poverty, of splendour and rags, of palaces and hovels, of famine and pestilence, of genii and giants and Aladdin lamps, of tigers and elephants, the cobra and the jungle, the country of hundred nations and a hundred tongues, of a thousand religions and two million gods, cradle of the human race, birthplace of human speech, mother of history, grandmother of legend, great-grandmother of traditions, whose yesterday's bear date with the modering antiquities for the rest of nations-the one sole country under the sun that is endowed with an imperishable interest for alien prince and alien peasant, for lettered and ignorant, wise and fool, rich and poor, bond and free, the one land that all men desire to see, and having seen once, by even a glimpse, would not give that glimpse for the shows of all the rest of the world combined. By Mark Twain India Rest Land Fabulous Country

Asked them if they supposed a nation of people ever existed, who, with a free vote in every man's hand, would elect that a single family and its descendants should reign over it forever, whether gifted or boobies, to the exclusion of all other families - including the voter's; and would also elect that a certain hundred families should be raised to dizzy summits of rank, and clothed on with offensive transmissible glories and privileges to the exclusion of the rest of the nation's families - including his own . They all looked unhit, and said they didn't know; that they had never thought about it before, and it hadn't ever occurred to them that a nation could be so situated that every man could have a say in the government. By Mark Twain Nation Exclusion Including Families Man

Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile. Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. By Mark Twain Life Short Break Rules Forgive

The only difference between reality and fiction is that fiction needs to be credible. By Mark Twain Credible Fiction Difference Reality

Beautiful credit! The foundation of modern society. Who shall say that this is not the golden age of mutual trust, of unlimited reliance upon human promises? That is a peculiar condition of society which enables a whole nation to instantly recognize point and meaning in the familiar newspaper anecdote, which puts into the mouth of a distinguished speculator in lands and mines this remark: 'I wasn't worth a cent two years ago, and now I owe two millions of dollars. By Mark Twain Beautiful Credit Society Foundation Modern

Always obey your parents. When they are present. This is the best policy in the long run. Because if you don't, they will make you. Most parents think they know better than you do, and you can generally make more by humoring that superstition than you can by acting on your own better judgment. By Mark Twain Obey Parents Make Present Run

I don't blame anybody. I deserve it all. Let the cold world do its worst; one thing I know - there's a grave somewhere for me. The world may go on just as it's always done, and take everything from me - loved ones, property, everything; but it can't take that. Some day I'll lie down in it and forget it all, and my poor broken heart will be at rest. By Mark Twain Blame World Property Deserve Worst

Eternal rest sounds comforting in the pulpit; well, you try it once, and see how heavy time will hang on your hands. By Mark Twain Eternal Pulpit Hands Rest Sounds

I do not know what we should do without the pulpit. We could better spare the sun-the moon, anyway. By Mark Twain Pulpit Moon Spare Sunthe

In my schoolboy days I had no aversion to slavery. I was not aware there was anything wrong about it. No-one arraigned it in my hearing; the local papers said nothing against it; the local pulpit taught us that God approved it, that it was a holy thing, and that the doubter need only look in the Bible if he wished to settle his mind. By Mark Twain Slavery Schoolboy Days Aversion Local

I persuaded him to throw the dirk away; and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself. By Mark Twain Persuaded Throw Dirk Easy Persuading

What God wills, will happen; thou canst not hurry it, thou canst not alter it; therefore wait; and be patient By Mark Twain Thou Canst God Happen Wait

Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. By Mark Twain Facts