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As far back as Yossarian could recall, he explained to Clevinger with a patient smile, somebody was always hatching a plot to kill him. There were people who cared for him and people who didn't, and those who hated him were out to get him. They hated him because he was Assyrian. But they couldn't touch him, he told Clevinger, because he had a sound mind in a pure body and was as strong as an ox. They couldn't touch him because he was Tarzan, Mandrake, Flash Gordon. He was Bill Shakespeare. He was Cain, Ulysses, the Flying Dutchman; he was Lot in Sodom, Deirdre of the Sorrows, Sweeney in the nightingales among trees. He was miracle ingredient Z-247. He was - Crazy!" Clevinger interrupted, shrieking. "That's what you are! Crazy!" "immense. I'm a real slam-bang, honest-to-goodness, three-fisted humdinger. I'm a bona fide Supraman." "Superman?" Clevinger cried. "Superman?" Supraman," Yossarian corrected. By Joseph Heller Clevinger Recall Smile Superman People

Dear Mrs., Mr., Miss, or Mr. and Mrs. Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father, or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action. By Joseph Heller Miss Mrs Son Father Wounded

In short, he was a dope. Clevinger was one of those people with lots of intelligence and no brains, and everyone knew it except those who soon found it out. In short, he was a dope. He often looked to Yossarian like one of those people hanging around modern museums with both eyes together on one side of a face. It was an illusion, of course, generated by Clevinger's predilection for staring fixedly at one side of a question and never seeing the other side at all. Politically, he was a humanitarian who did know right from left and was trapped uncomfortably between the two. He was constantly defending his Communist friends to his right-wing enemies and his right-wing friends to his Communist enemies, and he was thoroughly detested by both groups, who never defended him to anyone because they thought he was a dope. He was a very serious, very earnest and very conscientious dope. By Joseph Heller Dope Short Side Communist Clevinger

Major Major's father was a sober God-fearing man whose idea of a good joke was to lie about his age. He was a long-limbed farmer, a God-fearing, freedom-loving, law-abiding rugged individualist who held that federal aid to anyone but farmers was creeping socialism. He advocated thrift and hard work and disapproved of loose women who turned him down. By Joseph Heller Major Godfearing Age Father Sober

Doc Daneeka gave him a pill and a shot that put him to sleep for twelve hours. When Yossarian woke up and went to see him, Doc Daneeka gave him another pill and a shot that put him to sleep for another twelve hours. When Yossarian woke up again and went to see him, Doc Daneeka made ready to give him another pill and a shot. "How long are you going to keep giving me those pills and shots?" Yossarian asked him. "Until you feel better." "I feel all right now." Doc Daneeka's fragile suntanned forehead furrowed with surprise. "Then why don't you put some clothes on? Why are you walking around naked?" "I don't want to wear a uniform any more." Doc Daneeka accepted the explanation and put away his hypodermic syringe. "Are you sure you feel all right?" "I feel fine. I'm just a little logy from all those pills and shots you've been giving me. By Joseph Heller Doc Daneeka Yossarian Pill Shot

After he made up his mind to spend the rest of the war in the hospital, Yossarian wrote letters to everyone he knew saying that he was in the hospital but never mentioning why. One day he had a better idea. To everyone he knew he wrote that he was going on a very dangerous mission. "They asked for volunteers. It's very dangerous, but someone has to do it. I'll write you the instant I get back." And he had not written anyone since. By Joseph Heller Hospital Yossarian Knew Made Mind

There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle."That's some catch, that Catch-22," he observed."It's the best there is," Doc Daneeka agreed. By Joseph Heller Crazy Fly Sane Mind Orr

Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't,but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to. That's some catch, that catch-22. By Joseph Heller Fly Sane Crazy Orr Missions

Catch-22. Anyone who wants to get out of combat duty isn't really crazy. There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's own safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to. By Joseph Heller Crazy Fly Sane Orr Missions

Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle.'That's some catch, that Catch-22,' he observed.'It's the best there is,' Doc Daneeka agreed.Yossarian saw it clearly in all its spinning reasonableness. There was an elliptical precision about its perfect pairs of parts that was graceful and shocking, like good modern art, and at times Yossarian wasn't quite sure he saw it at all, just the way he was never quite sure about good modern art or about the flies Orr saw in Appleby's eyes. he had Orr's word to take for Appleby's eyes. By Joseph Heller Doc Daneeka Yossarian Appleby Eyes

Captain Flume was obsessed with the idea that Chief White Halfoat would tiptoe up to his cot one night when he was sound asleep and slit his throat open for him from ear to ear. Captain Flume had obtained this idea from Chief White Halfoat himself, who did tiptoe up to his cot one night as he was dozing off, to hiss portentously that one night when he, Captain Flume, was sound asleep he, Chief White Halfoat, was going to slit his throat open for him from ear to ear. Captain Flume turned to ice, his eyes, flung open wide, staring directly up into Chief White Halfoat's, glinting drunkenly only inches away.'Why?' Captain Flume managed to croak finally.'Why not?' was Chief White Halfoat's answer. By Joseph Heller White Captain Flume Chief Halfoat

And don't tell me God works in mysterious ways," Yossarian continued, hurtling on over her objection. "There's nothing so mysterious about it. He's not working at all. He's playing. Or else He's forgotten all about us. That's the kind of God you people talk about - a country bumpkin, a clumsy, bungling, brainless, conceited, uncouth hayseed. By Joseph Heller Yossarian Continued Hurtling Objection God

The only end in sight was Yossarian's own, and he might have remained in the hospital until doomsday had it not been for that patriotic Texan with his infundibuliform jowls and his lumpy, rumpleheaded, indestructible smile cracked forever across the front of his face like the brim of a black ten-gallon hat. By Joseph Heller Rumpleheaded Yossarian Texan Lumpy Indestructible

You have a morbid aversion to dying. You probably resent the fact that you're at war and might get your head blown off any second.""I more than resent it, sir. I'm absolutely incensed.""You have deep-seated survival anxieties. And you don't like bigots, bullies, snobs, or hypocrites. Subconsciously there are many people you hate.""Consciously, sir, consciously," Yossarian corrected in an effort to help. "I hate them consciously.""You're antagonistic to the idea of being robbed, exploited, degraded, humiliated, or deceived. Misery depresses you. Ignorance depresses you. Persecution depresses you. Violence depresses you. Corruption depresses you. You know, it wouldn't surprise me if you're a manic-depressive!""Yes, sir. Perhaps I am.""Don't try to deny it.""I'm not denying it, sir," said Yossarian, pleased with the miraculous rapport that finally existed between them. "I agree with all you've said. By Joseph Heller Sir Depresses Consciously Dying Resent

So many things were testing his faith. There was the Bible, of course, but the Bible was a book, and so were Bleak House, Treasure Island, Ethan Frome and The Last of the Mohicans. Did it then seem probable, as he had once overheard Dunbar ask, that the answers to riddles of creation would be supplied by people too ignorant to understand the mechanics of rainfall? Had Almighty God, in all His infinite wisdom, really been afraid that men six thousand years ago would succeed in building a tower to heaven? By Joseph Heller Bible Faith Things Testing House

Everyone in my book accuses everyone else of being crazy. Frankly, I think the whole society is nuts - and the question is: What does a sane man do in an insane society? By Joseph Heller Crazy Frankly Book Accuses Society

Certainly,nothing proceeded according to desire.In the long run, failure was the only thing that worked predictably. All else was accidental. Good intentions had miscarried, and bad ones had not improved. By Joseph Heller Certainlynothing Run Failure Predictably Proceeded

Haven't you got anything humorous that stays away from waters and valleys and God? I'd like to keep away from the subject of religion altogether if we can."The chaplain was apologetic. "I'm sorry, sir, but just about all the prayers I know are rather somber in tone and make at least some passing reference to God. By Joseph Heller God Humorous Stays Waters Valleys

Why don't you use some sense and try to be more like me? You might live to be a hundred and seven, too.""Because it's better to die on one's feet than live on one's knees," Nately retorted with triumphant and lofty conviction. "I guess you've heard that saying before.""Yes, I certainly have," mused the treacherous old man, smiling again. "But I'm afraid you have it backward. It is better to live on one's feet than die on one's knees. That is the way the saying goes.""Are you sure?" Nately asked with sober confusion. "It seems to make more sense my way.""No, it makes more sense my way. Ask your friends. By Joseph Heller Sense Live Nately Knees Feet

He was a spry, suave and very precise general who knew the circumference of the equator and always wrote "enhanced" when he meant "increased." He was a prick. By Joseph Heller Enhanced Increased Spry Suave Wrote

Just pass the work I assign along to somebody else and trust to luck. We call that delegation of responsibility. By Joseph Heller Luck Pass Work Assign Trust

You make the bribe big enough and they'll find you. Just make sure you do everything right out in the open. Let everyone know exactly what you want and how much you're willing to pay for it. The first time you act guilty or ashamed, you might get into trouble." "I wish you'd come with me," Milo remarked. "I won't feel safe among people who take bribes. They're no better than a bunch of crooks." "You'll be all right," Yossarian assured him with confidence. "If you run into trouble, just tell everybody that the security of the country requires a strong domestic Egyptian-cotton speculating industry. By Joseph Heller Make Big Find Trouble Milo

Major de Coverley is a noble and wonderful person, and everyone admires him.''He's a silly old fool who really has no right acting like a silly young fool. Where is he today? Dead? By Joseph Heller Coverley Silly Fool Major Person

Milo carefully said nothing when Major de Coverley stepped into the mess hall with his fierce and austere dignity the day he returned and found his way blocked by a wall of officers waiting in line to sign loyalty oaths. At the far end of the food counter, a group of men who had arrived earlier were pledging allegiance to the flag, with trays of food balanced in one hand, in order to be allowed to take seats at the table. Already at the tables, a group that had arrived still earlier was singing 'The Star-Spangled Banner' in order that they might use the salt and pepper and ketchup there. By Joseph Heller Major Coverley Milo Oaths Carefully

I did it to protect my good reputation in case anyone ever caught me walking around with crab apples in my cheeks. With rubber balls in my hands I could deny there were crab apples in my cheeks. Everytime someone asked me why I was walking around with crab apples in my cheeks, I'd just open my hands and show them it was rubber balls I was walking around with, not crab apples, and that they were in my hands, not my cheeks. It was a good story, but I never knew if it got across or not, since its pretty hard to make people understand you when your talking to them with two crab apples in your cheeks. By Joseph Heller Cheeks Apples Crab Walking Hands

Clevinger really thought he was right, but Yossarian had proof, because strangers he didn't know shot at him with cannons every time he flew up into the air to drop bombs on them, and it wasn't funny at all. And if that wasn't funny, there were lots of things that weren't even funnier. There was nothing funny about living like a bum in a tent in Pianosa between fat mountains behind him and a placid blue sea in front that could gulp down a person with a cramp in the twinkling of an eye and ship him back to shore three days later, all charges paid, bloated, blue and putrescent, water draining out through both cold nostrils. By Joseph Heller Yossarian Funny Clevinger Proof Thought

There were billions of conscientious body cells oxidating away day and night like dumb animals at their complicated job of keeping him alive and healthy, and every one was a potential traitor and foe. By Joseph Heller Healthy Foe Billions Conscientious Body

I suppose it is just about impossible for someone like me to rebel anymore and produce any kind of lasting effect. I have lost the power to upset things that I had as a child; I can no longer change my environment or even disturb it seriously. By Joseph Heller Effect Suppose Impossible Rebel Anymore

Yossarian was cold, too, and shivering uncontrollably. He felt goose pimples clacking all over him as he gazed down despondently at the grim secret Snowden had spilled all over the messy floor. It was easy to read the message in his entrails. Man was matter, that was Snowden's secret. Drop him out a window and he'll fall. Set fire to him and he'll burn. Bury him and he'll rot, like other kinds of garbage. The spirit gone, man is garbage. That was Snowden's secret. Ripeness was all.I'm cold,' Snowden said. 'I'm cold. By Joseph Heller Snowden Secret Yossarian Uncontrollably Cold

All were successful,and felt like failures.Gold no longer pretended to understand the nature of success.Instead,he pretended not to. He knew the components that were necessary:None,or maybe one:Dumb luck By Joseph Heller Pretended Noneor Dumb Successfuland Felt

There was the Bible, of course, but the Bible was a book, and so were Bleak House, Treasure Island, Ethan Frome and The Last of the Mohicans. Did it indeed seem probable, as he had once overheard Dunbar ask, that the answers to the riddles of creation would be supplied by people too ignorant to understand the mechanics of rainfall? Had Almighty God, in all His infinite wisdom, really been afraid that men six thousand years ago would succeed in building a tower to heaven? Where the devil was heaven? Was it up? Down? There was no up or down in a finite but expanding universe in which even the vast, burning, dazzling, majestic sun was in a state of progressive decay that would eventually destroy the earth too. By Joseph Heller Bible House Treasure Island Ethan

... everyone knew that sin was evil, and that no good could come from evil. But he did feel good; he felt positively marvellous. Consequently, it followed logically that telling lies and defecting from duty could not be sins. The chaplain had mastered, in a moment of divine intuition, the handy technique of protective rationalisation, and he was exhilarated by his discovery. It was miraculous. It was almost no trick at all, he saw, to turn vice into virtue and slander into truth, impotence into abstinence, arrogance into humility, plunder into philanthropy, thievery into honour, blasphemy into wisdom, brutality into patriotism, and sadism into justice. By Joseph Heller Evil Good Knew Sin Sins

I really do admire you a bit. You're an intelligent person of great moral character who has taken a very courageous stand. I'm an intelligent person with no moral character at all, so I'm in an ideal position to appreciate it. - Colonel Korn By Joseph Heller Bit Intelligent Admire Person Moral

Bless you, my boy. Have a horseshoe." "Thank you, sir. What should I do with it?" "Throw it." "Away?" "At that peg there. Then pick it up and throw it at this By Joseph Heller Bless Boy Throw Sir Horseshoe

Colonel Cathcart was impervious to absolutes. He could measure his own progress only in relationship to others, and his idea of excellence was to do something at least as well as all the men his own age who were doing the same thing even better. By Joseph Heller Cathcart Colonel Absolutes Impervious Measure

They couldn't him because he was Tarzan, Mandrake, Flash Gordon. He was Bill Shakespeare. He was Cain, Ulysses, the Flying Dutchman; he was Lot in Sodom, Dreirdre of the Sorrows, Sweeney in the nightingales among trees. He was miracle ingredient Z-247. By Joseph Heller Mandrake Tarzan Flash Gordon Shakespeare

Catch-22 did not exist, he was positive of that, but it made no difference. What did matter was that everyone thought it existed, and that was much worse, for there was no object or text to ridicule or refute, to accuse, criticize, attack, amend, hate, revile, spit at, rip to shreds, trample upon or burn up. By Joseph Heller Exist Difference Positive Made Criticize

When I read something saying I've not done anything as good as 'Catch-22' I'm tempted to reply, 'Who has?' By Joseph Heller Reply Read Good Tempted

The spirit gone, man is garbage. By Joseph Heller Man Garbage Spirit

Appleby was as good at shooting crap as he was at playing Ping-Pong, and he was as good at playing Ping-Pong as he was at everything else. Everything Appleby did, he did well. Appleby was a fair-haired boy from Iowa who believed in God, Motherhood, and the American Way of Life, without ever thinking about any of them, and everybody who knew him liked him."I hate that son of a bitch," Yossarian growled. By Joseph Heller Good Playing Pingpong Appleby Shooting

The night was filled with horrors, and he thought he knew how Christ must have felt as he walked through the world, like a psychiatrist through a ward full of nuts, like a victim through a prison full of thieves. What a welcome sight a leper must have been! By Joseph Heller Full Christ Horrors World Nuts

Of course you're dying. We're all dying. Where the devil else do you think you're heading? By Joseph Heller Dying Heading Devil

There was one catch, and that was Catch-22. By Joseph Heller Catch

There's a rule saying I have to ground anyone who's crazy ... There's a catch. Catch-22. Anyone who wants to get out of combat duty isn't really crazy. By Joseph Heller Crazy Rule Ground Catch Combat

Fortunately, just when things were blackest, the war broke out. By Joseph Heller Fortunately Blackest Things War Broke

With a little ingenuity and vision, he had made it all but impossible for anyone in the squadron to talk to him, which was just fine with everyone, he noticed, since no one wanted to talk to him anyway. By Joseph Heller Talk Vision Noticed Ingenuity Made

He was one of those people with lots of intelligence but no brains By Joseph Heller Brains People Lots Intelligence

There is no light. I don't feel like starting my generator. I used to get a big kick out saving people's lives. Now I wonder what the hell's the point, since they all have to die anyway.Dr. Stubbs Catch -22 By Joseph Heller Light Stubbs Catch Generator Lives

To Yossarian, the idea of pennants as prizes was absurd. No money went with them, no class privileges. Like Olympic medals and tennis trophies, all they signified was that the owner had done something of no benefit to anyone more capably than everyone else. By Joseph Heller Yossarian Absurd Idea Pennants Prizes

Nurse Duckett found Yossarian wonderful and was already trying to change him. By Joseph Heller Duckett Yossarian Nurse Found Wonderful

I'm not running away from my responsibilities. I'm running to them. There's nothing negative about running away to save my life. By Joseph Heller Running Responsibilities Life Negative Save

The chaplain glanced at the bridge table that served as his desk and saw only the abominable orange-red, pear-shaped, plum tomato he had obtained that same morning from Colonel Cathcart, still lying on its side where he had forgotten it like an indestructible and incarnadine symbol of his own ineptitude. By Joseph Heller Pearshaped Cathcart Colonel Orangered Plum

They were the most depressing group of people Yossarian had ever been with. They were always in high spirits. By Joseph Heller Yossarian Depressing Group People Spirits

That goddam stunted, red-faced, big-cheeked, apple-cheeked, curlyheaded, midget assed, , google-eyed, undersized, grinning, buck-toothed rat!!" Yossarian sputtered.~ Catch-22 By Joseph Heller Redfaced Bigcheeked Applecheeked Curlyheaded Googleeyed

Catch-22 says they have the right to do anything we can't stop them from doing. By Joseph Heller Stop

I think most writers ... write about episodes meaningful to them in terms of their own imaginations. Now that would include a great deal of what they experience, but I'm not sure there's an autobiographical intention. ... I believe I'm telling the truth when I say that, when I wrote Catch-22, I was not particularly interested in war; I was mainly interested in writing a novel, and that was a subject for it. That's been true of all my books. Now what goes into these books does reflect a great deal of my more morbid nature - the fear of dying, a great deal of social awareness and social protest, which is part of my personality. None of that is the objective of writing. Take five writers who have experienced the same thing, and they will be completely different as people, and they'd be completely different in what they do write, what they're able to write. By Joseph Heller Great Deal Write Interested Writers

Her own body was such a familiar and unremarkable thing to her that she was puzzled by the convulsive ecstasy men could take from it, by the intense and amusing need they had merely to touch it, to reach out urgently and press it, squeeze it, pinch it, rub it. She did not understand Yossarian's lust; but she was willing to take is word for it. By Joseph Heller Squeeze Pinch Rub Body Familiar

They're not going to send a crazy man out to be killed, are they?""Who else will go? By Joseph Heller Killed Send Crazy Man

This stuff is better than cotton candy, really it is. It's made out of real cotton. Yossarian, you've got to help me make the men eat it. Egyptian cotton is the finest cotton in the world. By Joseph Heller Cotton Candy Stuff Yossarian Made

Sure there's a catch," Doc Daneeka replied. "Catch-22. Anyone who wants to get out of combat duty isn't really crazy." There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's own safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. By Joseph Heller Doc Daneeka Replied Catch Crazy

The night was full of horrors, and he thought he knew how Christ must have felt as he walked through the world, like a psychiatrist through a ward full of nuts ... By Joseph Heller Full Christ Horrors World Nuts

There's a catch. Catch-22. By Joseph Heller Catch

Yossarian makes any attempts to excuse himself from the perilous missions then he is caught in Catch-22: if he flies he is crazy, and doesn't have to; but if he doesn't want to he must be sane and has to. That's some catch ... By Joseph Heller Yossarian Crazy Makes Attempts Excuse

That's some catch, that Catch-22,' he observed.'It's the best there is,' Doc Daneeka agreed.Yossarian saw it clearly in all its spinning reasonableness. There was an elliptical precision about its perfect pairs of parts that was graceful and shocking, like good modern art, and at times Yossarian wasn't quite sure that he saw it at all, just the way he was never quite sure about good modern art ... By Joseph Heller Doc Daneeka Art Catch Observed

He smiled ostentatiously to show himself reasonable and nice. "I'm not saying that to be cruel and insulting," he continued with cruel and insulting delight. By Joseph Heller Nice Smiled Ostentatiously Show Reasonable

What is a country? A country is a piece of land surrounded on all sides by boundaries, usually unnatural. Englishmen are dying for England, Americans are dying for America, Germans are dying for Germany, Russians are dying for Russia. There are now fifty or sixty countries fighting in this war. Surely so many countries can't all be worth dying for. By Joseph Heller Dying Country England Americans America

They couldn't keep Death out, but while she was in she had to act like a lady. By Joseph Heller Death Lady Act

The body stores the trauma of our lives in muscular rigidity, thereby keeping us stuck in the past. When we release the tension in the body and align ourselves with gravity, we take a new stand in life. This allows us to be at ease with ourselves and in harmony in our relationship to others and to our planet. By Joseph Heller Body Rigidity Past Stores Trauma

What could you do? Major Major asked himself again. What could you do with a man who looked you squarely in the eye and said he would rather die than be killed in combat, a man who was at least as mature and intelligent as you were and who you had to pretend was not? What could you say to him? By Joseph Heller Major Man Asked Combat Looked

There is no disappointment so numbing ... as someone no better than you achieving more. By Joseph Heller Numbing Disappointment Achieving

America is not going to be destroyed " he shouted passionately. "Never?" prodded the old man softly. "Well ... " Nately faltered. The old man laughed indulgently, holding in check a deeper, more explosive delight. His goading remained gentle. "Rome was destroyed, Greece was destroyed, Persia was destroyed, Spain was destroyed. All great countries are destroyed. Why not yours? How much longer do you really think your own country will last? Forever? Keep in mind that the earth itself is destined to be destroyed by the sun in twenty-five million years or so." Nately squirmed uncomfortably. "Well, forever is a long time, I guess. By Joseph Heller Destroyed America Passionately Nately Shouted

Don't tell me God works in mysterious ways,' Yossarian continued, hurtling on over her objection. 'There's nothing so mysterious about it. He's not working at all. He's playing. Or else He's forgotten all about us. That's the kind of God you people talk about - a country bumpkin, a clumsy, bungling, brainless, conceited, uncouth hayseed. Good God, how much reverence can you have for a Supreme Being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth decay in His divine system of creation? What in the world was running through that warped, evil, scatological mind of His when He robbed old people of the power to control their bowel movements? Why in the world did He ever create pain?''Pain?' Lieutenant Scheisskopf's wife pounced upon the word victoriously. 'Pain is a useful symptom. Pain is a warning to us of bodily dangers.''And who created the dangers?' Yossarian demanded ... 'Why couldn't He have used a doorbell instead to notify us? By Joseph Heller Pain God Mysterious Continued Hurtling

There's nothing mysterious about it, He's not working at all. He's playing. Or else He's forgotten all about us. That's the kind of God you people talk about, a country bumpkin, a clumsy, bungling, brainless, conceited, uncouth hayseed. Good God, how much reverence can you have for a Supreme Being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth decay in His divine system of Creation? What in the world was running through that warped, evil, scatological mind of His when He robbed old people of the power to control their bowel movements? Why in the world did He ever create pain? By Joseph Heller God Mysterious Working World People

How much reverence can you have for a Supreme Being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth decay in His divine system of Creation? What in the world was running through that warped, evil, scatological mind of His when He robbed old people of the power to control their bowel movements? By Joseph Heller Creation Supreme Reverence Finds Include

They were four clean-cut kids who were having lots of fun, and they were driving Yossarian nuts. He could not make them understand that he was a crotchety old fogey of twenty-eight, that he belonged to another generation, another era, another world, that having a good time bored him and was not worth the effort, and that they bored him, too. He could not make them shut up; they were worse than women. They had not brains enough to be introverted and repressed. By Joseph Heller Yossarian Fun Nuts Make Cleancut

Some Promised Land. The honey was there, but the milk we brought in with our goats. To people in California, God gives a magnificent coastline, a movie industry, and Beverly Hills. To us He gives sand. To Cannes He gives a plush film festival. We get the PLO. Our winters are rainy, our summers hot. To people who didn't know how to wind a wristwatch He gives underground oceans of oil. To us He gives hernia, piles, and anti-Semitism. By Joseph Heller Land Promised People California God

Trying to evade the people who frighten us. We come to work, have lunch, and go home. We goose-step in and goose-step out, changing our partner and wander all about, sashay around for a pat on the head, and promenade home till we all drop dead. By Joseph Heller Evade People Frighten Home Goosestep

I wonder what kind of person would come out if I ever did erase all my inhibitions at once, what kind of being is bottled up inside me now. By Joseph Heller Kind Person Erase Inhibitions Bottled

I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears. "But the God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be. By Joseph Heller God Sobbed Bursting Tears Violently

It was miraculous. It was almost no trick at all, he saw, to turn vice into virtue and slander into truth, impotence into abstinence, arrogance into humility, plunder into philanthropy, thievery into honor, blasphemy into wisdom, brutality into patriotism, and sadism into justice. Anybody could do it; it required no brains at all. It merely required no character. By Joseph Heller Miraculous Required Truth Impotence Abstinence

His specialty was alfalfa, and he made a good thing out of not growing any. The government paid him well for every bushel of alfalfa he did not grow. The more alfalfa he did not grow, the more money the government gave him, and he spent every penny he didn't earn on new land to increase the amount of alfalfa he did not produce. Major Major's father worked without rest at not growing alfalfa. On long winter evenings he remained indoors and did not mend harness, and he sprang out of bed at the crack of noon every day just to make certain that the chores would not be done. He invested in land wisely and soon was not growing more alfalfa than any other man in the county. Neighbours sought him out for advice on all subjects, for he had made much money and was therefore wise. "As ye sow, so shall ye reap," he counselled one and all, and everyone said "Amen. By Joseph Heller Alfalfa Growing Grow Government Specialty

I don't think it's good to achieve too much at too early an age. What else can the future give you if you've already got all that your imagination has dreamt up for you? A writer is only discovered once in a lifetime, and if it happens very early the impossibility of matching that moment again can have a somewhat corrosive effect on his personality and indeed on the work itself. By Joseph Heller Age Good Achieve Early Lifetime

Victory gave us such insane delusions of grandeur that we helped start a world war we hadn't a chance of winning. But now that we are losing again, everything has taken a turn for the better, and we will certainly come out on top again if we succeed in being defeated. By Joseph Heller Victory Winning Gave Insane Delusions

The chaplain had sinned, and it was good. Common sense told him that telling lies and defecting from duty were sins. On the other hand, everyone knew that sin was evil and that no good could come from evil. But he did feel good; he felt positively marvelous. Consequently, it followed logically that telling lies and defecting from duty could not be sins. The chaplain had mastered, in a moment of divine intuition, the handy technique of protective rationalization, and he was exhilarated by his discovery. It was miraculous. By Joseph Heller Sinned Good Chaplain Telling Lies

He began to wonder with genuine concern just what sort of shithead the Pentagon had foisted on him. By Joseph Heller Pentagon Began Genuine Concern Sort

The maid in the lime-color panties ... She had a plain broad face and was the most virtuous woman alive: she laid for EVERYBODY, regardless of race, creed, color or place of national origin, donating herself sociably as an act of hospitality, procrastinating not even for the moment it might take to discard the cloth or broom or dust mop she was clutching at the time she was grabbed. Her allure stemmed from her accessibility; like Mt. Everest, she was there, and the men climbed on top of her each time they felt the urge. By Joseph Heller Panties Maid Limecolor Time Everest

And anything worth dying for By Joseph Heller Worth Dying

Surely there can't be so many countries worth dying for.'Anything worth living for,' said Nately, 'is worth dying for.'And anything worth dying for,' answered the sacrilegious old man, 'is certainly worth living for. By Joseph Heller Worth Dying For Living Nately

[A]nything worth dying for ... is certainly worth living for. By Joseph Heller Nything Worth Dying Living

Major - de Coverley was a splendid, awe-inspiring, grave old man with a massive leonine head and an angry shock of wild white hair that raged like a blizzard around his stern, patriarchal face. His duties as squadron executive officer did consist entirely, as both Doc Daneeka and Major Major had conjectured, of pitching horseshoes, kidnaping Italian laborers, and renting apartments for the enlisted men and officers to use on rest leaves, and he excelled at all three....He also iked to arrive in a city just before the occupying Allied force so that he could ride in a jeep at the front of the conquering army. By Joseph Heller Major Coverley Aweinspiring Splendid Grave

Clevinger was a troublemaker and a wise guy. Lieutenant Scheisskopf knew that Clevinger might cause even more trouble if he wasn't watched. Yesterday it was the cadet officers; tomorrow it might be the world. Clevinger had a mind, and Lieutenant Scheisskopf had noticed that people with minds tended to get pretty smart at times. Such men were dangerous, and even the new cadet officers whom Clevinger had helped into office were eager to give damning testimony against him. The case against Clevinger was open and shut. The only thing missing was something to charge him with. By Joseph Heller Clevinger Scheisskopf Guy Lieutenant Troublemaker

There was shish-kabob for lunch, huge, savory hunks of spitted meat sizzling like the devil over charcoal after marinating seventy-two hours in a secret mixture Milo had stolen from a crooked trader in the Levant, served with Iranian rice and asparagus tips Parmesan, followed by cherries jubilee for dessert and then steaming cups of fresh coffee with Benedictine and brandy. By Joseph Heller Huge Levant Parmesan Milo Iranian

Chaplain," he continued, looking up, "we accuse you also of the commission of crimes and infractions we don't even know about yet. Guilty or innocent?" "I don't know, sir. How can I say if you don't tell me what they are?" "How can we tell you if we don't know?" "Guilty," decided the colonel. "Sure he's guilty," agreed the major. "If they're his crimes and infractions, he must have committed them. By Joseph Heller Chaplain Continued Guilty Accuse Commission

He was irritable with Orr, who had found two crab apples somewhere and walked with them in his cheeks until Yossarian spied them there and made him take them out. Then Orr found two horse chestnuts somewhere and slipped those in until Yossarian detected them and snapped at him again to take the crab apples out of his mouth. Orr grinned and replied that they were not crab apples but horse chestnuts and that they were not in his mouth but in his hands, but Yossarian was not able to understand a single word he said because of the horse chestnuts in his mouth and made him take them out anyway. By Joseph Heller Yossarian Orr Crab Apples Horse

I frequently feel I'm being taken advantage of merely because I'm asked to do the work I'm paid to do. By Joseph Heller Frequently Feel Advantage Asked Work

It was truly a splendid structure, and Yossarian throbbed with a mighty sense of accomplishment each time he gazed at it and reflected that none of the work that had gone into it was his. There By Joseph Heller Yossarian Structure Splendid Throbbed Mighty

That men would die was a matter of necessity; which men would die, though, was a matter of circumstance, and Yossarian was willing to be the victim of anything but circumstance. By Joseph Heller Matter Circumstance Yossarian Men Die

History did not demand Yossarian's premature demise, justice could be satisfied without it, progress did not hinge upon it, victory did not depend on it. That men would die was a matter of necessity; WHICH men would die, though, was a matter of circumstance, and Yossarian was willing to be the victim of anything but circumstance. But that was war. Just about all he could find in its favor was that it paid well and liberated children from the pernicious influence of their parents. By Joseph Heller Yossarian History Demise Justice Progress

Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. By Joseph Heller Men Mediocre Mediocrity Born Achieve

Frankly, I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the whole field to private industry. By Joseph Heller Frankly Industry Government War Altogether

I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the whole field to private individuals. By Joseph Heller Individuals Government War Altogether Leave

Colonel Korn's rule was a stroke of genius, Colonel Korn explained in his report to Colonel Cathcart. Under Colonel Korn's rule, the only people permitted to ask questions were those who never did. Soon the only people attending were those who never asked questions, and the sessions were discontinued altogether, since Clevinger, the corporal and Colonel Korn agreed that it was neither possible nor necessary to educate people who never questioned anything. Colonel By Joseph Heller Korn Colonel Cathcart Rule People

The leader of this team of doctors was a dignified, solicitous gentleman who held one finger up directly in front of Yossarian and demanded, "How many fingers do you see?" "Two," said Yossarian. "How many fingers do you see now?" asked the doctor, holding up two. "Two," said Yossarian. "And how many now?" asked the doctor, holding up none. "Two," said Yossarian. The doctor's face wreathed with a smile. "By Jove, he's right," he declared jubilantly. "He does see everything twice. By Joseph Heller Yossarian Doctor Dignified Solicitous Demanded

His response to them as sexual beings was one of frenzied worship and idolatry. They were lovely, satisfying, maddening manifestations of the miraculous, instruments of pleasure too powerful to be measured, too keen to be endured, and too exquisite to be intended for employment by base, unworthy man. He could interpret their naked presence in his hands only as a cosmic oversight destined to be rectified speedily, and he was driven always to make what carnal use of them he could in the fleeting moment of two he felt he had before Someone caught wise and whisked them away. By Joseph Heller Idolatry Response Sexual Frenzied Worship

And the chaplain was ready now to capitulate to despair entirely but was restrained by the memory of his wife, whom he loved and missed so pathetically with such sensual and exalted ardor, and by the lifelong trust he had placed in the wisdom and justice of an immortal, omnipotent, omniscient, humane, universal, anthropomorphic, English-speaking, Anglo-Saxon, pro-American God, which had begun to waver. By Joseph Heller Englishspeaking God Omnipotent Omniscient Humane

Everyone was elated with this turn of events, most of all Colonel Cathcart, who was convinced he had won a feather in his cap. He greeted Milo jovially each time they met and, in an excess of contrite generosity, impulsively recommended Major Major for promotion. The recommendation was rejected at once at Twenty- seventh Air Force Headquaters by ex-P.F.C. Wintergreen, who scribbled a brusque, unsigned reminder that the Army had only one Major Major Major Major and did not intend to lose him by promotion just to please Colonel Cathcart. By Joseph Heller Major Cathcart Colonel Events Cap

Rise above principle and do what's right. By Joseph Heller Rise Principle

Yossarian - the very sight of the name made Colonel Cathcart shudder. There were so many esses in it. It just had to be subversive. It was like the word "subversive" itself. It was like "seditious" and "insidious" too, and like "socialist," "suspicious," "fascist" and "Communist." It was an odious, alien, distasteful name, a name that just did not inspire confidence. By Joseph Heller Colonel Cathcart Yossarian Shudder Sight

Someone had to do something sometime. Every victim was a culprit, every culprit a victim, and somebody had to stand up sometime to try to break the lousy chain of inherited habit that was imperiling them all. By Joseph Heller Victim Culprit Stand Break Lousy

Every victim was a culprit, every culprit a victim, and somebody had to stand up sometime to try to break the lousy chain of inherited habit that was imperiling them all. In By Joseph Heller Victim Culprit Stand Break Lousy

It takes brains not to make money," Colonel Cargill wrote in one of the homiletic memoranda he regularly prepared for circulation over General Peckem's signature. "Any fool can make money these days and most of them do. But what about people with talent and brains? Name, for example, one poet who makes money. By Joseph Heller Colonel Cargill General Peckem Money

Politically, he was a humanitarian who did know right from left and was trapped uncomfortably between the two. He was constantly defending his Communist friends to his right-wing enemies and his right-wing friends to his Communist enemies, and he was thoroughly detested by both groups, who never defended him to anyone because they thought he was a dope. By Joseph Heller Politically Communist Humanitarian Left Trapped

One of the things he wanted to start screaming about was the surgeon's knife that was almost certain to be waiting for him and everyone else who lived long enough to die. By Joseph Heller Die Things Wanted Start Screaming

Read me back the last line." " 'Read me back the last line,' " read back the corporal who could take shorthand. "Not my last line, stupid!" the colonel shouted. "Somebody else's." " 'Read me back the last line,' " read back the corporal. "That's my last line again!" shrieked the colonel, turning purple with anger. "Oh, no, sir," corrected the corporal. "That's my last line. I read it to you just a moment ago. Don't you remember, sir? It was only a moment ago." "Oh, my God! By Joseph Heller Back Read Line Corporal Sir

The laws of nature are only as immutable as the minds which promote them. Ignorance of the law is 9/10ths of the law. Just because you aren't paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you. By Joseph Heller Law Nature Immutable Minds Promote

In fact, though the books came slowly, he was a novelist to his bootlaces, an avid narrator who couldn't stop the story once it had started, who felt the terrors of existence so acutely that he had to tell them and tell them until he'd made them something else. By Joseph Heller Fact Slowly Bootlaces Started Books

No one could recall who he was or what he had looked like, least of all Captain Piltchard and Captain Wren, who remembered only that a new officer had shown up at the operations tent just in time to be killed and who colored uneasily every time the matter of the dead man in Yossarian's tent was mentioned. The only one who might have seen Mudd, the men in the same plane, had all been blown to bits with him. Yossarian, on the other hand, knew exactly who Mudd was. Mudd was the unknown soldier who had never had a chance, for that was the only thing anyone ever did know about all the unknown soldiers - they never had a chance. They had to be dead. By Joseph Heller Captain Wren Tent Time Piltchard

First impressions die slowly, bad impressions take even longer By Joseph Heller Slowly Bad Longer Impressions Die

I used to think it was immoral to be unhappy. By Joseph Heller Unhappy Immoral

What would they do to me," he asked in confidential tones, "if I refused to fly them?"We'd probably shoot you," ex-P.F.C. Wintergreen replied.We?" Yossarian cried in surprise. "What do you mean, we? Since when are you on their side?"If you're going to be shot, whose side do you expect me to be on?" ex-P.F.C. Wintergreen retorted By Joseph Heller Tones Asked Confidential Refused Fly

Help!' he shrieked shrilly in a voice strangling in its own emotion, as the policemen carried him to the open doors in the rear of the ambulance and threw him inside. 'Police! Help! Police!' The doors were shut and bolted, and the ambulance raced away. There was a humorless irony in the ludicrous panic of the man screaming for help to the police while policemen were all around him. Yossarian smiled wryly at the futile and ridiculous cry for aid, then saw with a start that the words were ambiguous, realized with alarm that they were not perhaps, intended as a call for police but as a heroic warning from the grave by a doomed friend to everyone who was not a policeman with a club and gun and a mob of other policemen with clubs and guns to back him up. 'Help! Police!' the man had cried, and he could have been shouting of danger. By Joseph Heller Police Policemen Ambulance Doors Man

You pompous, rotund, neighborly, vacuous, complacent ... - Yossarian By Joseph Heller Rotund Neighborly Vacuous Complacent Yossarian

Dori Duz was a lively little tart of copper-green and gold who loved doing it best in toolsheds, phone booths, field houses and bus kiosks. There was little she hadn't tried and less she wouldn't. She was shameless, slim, nineteen and aggressive. She destroyed egos by the score and made men hate themselves in the morning for the way she found them, used them and tossed them aside. Yossarian loved her. By Joseph Heller Duz Dori Toolsheds Phone Booths

Impressionable men in the squadron like Dobbs and Captain Flume were so deeply disturbed by Hungry Joe's shrieking nightmares that they woudl begin to have shrieking nightmares of their own, and the piercing obscenities they flung into the air every night from their separate places in the squadron rang against each other in the darkness romantically like the mating calls of songbirds with filthy minds. By Joseph Heller Squadron Shrieking Nightmares Dobbs Captain

You're the new squadron commander,' Colonel Cathcart had shouted rudely across the railroad ditch to him. 'But don't think it means anything, because it doesn't. All it means is that you're the new squadron commander. By Joseph Heller Colonel Cathcart Commander Squadron Shouted

Captain Piltchard and Captain Wren, the inoffensive joint squadron operations officers, were both mild, soft-spoken men of less than middle height who enjoyed flying combat missions and begged nothing more of life and Colonel Cathcart than the opportunity to continue flying them. They had flown hundreds of combat missions and wanted to fly hundreds more. They assigned themselves to every one. Nothing so wonderful as war had ever happened to them before; and they were afraid it might never happen to them again. By Joseph Heller Captain Wren Piltchard Colonel Cathcart

Symptoms: an unreasonable belief that everyone around him was crazy, a homicidal impulse to machine-gun strangers, retrospective falsification, an unfounded suspicion that people hated him and were conspiring to kill him. By Joseph Heller Symptoms Crazy Strangers Retrospective Falsification

Yossarian was moved by such intense pity for his poverty that he wanted to smash his pale. sad, sickly face with his fist and knock him out of existence By Joseph Heller Yossarian Pale Moved Intense Pity

That's not what justice is," the colonel jeered, and began pounding the table again with his big fat hand. "That's what Karl Marx is. I'll tell you what justice is. Justice is a knee in the gut from the floor on the chin at night sneaky with a knife brought up down on the magazine of a battleship sandbagged underhanded in the dark without a word of warning. Garroting. That's what justice is when we've all got to be tough enough and rough enough to fight Billy Petrolle. From the hip. Get it? By Joseph Heller Justice Jeered Hand Colonel Began

I'll tell you what justice is. Justice is a knee in the gut from the floor on the chin at night sneaky with a knife brought up down on the magazine of a battleship sandbagged underhanded in the dark without a word of warning By Joseph Heller Justice Warning Knee Gut Floor

[Chief White Halfoat:] Racial prejudice is a terrible thing, Yossarian. It really is. It's a terrible thing to treat a decent, loyal Indian like a nigger, kike, wop, or spic. By Joseph Heller Yossarian Chief Halfoat Racial White

Oh, don't you worry about that, Yossarian comforted him with a toneless snicker as the engines of the jeeps and ambulance fractured the drowsy silence and the vehicles in the rear began driving away backward. By Joseph Heller Yossarian Backward Worry Comforted Toneless

Hungry Joe was crazy, and no one knew it better than Yossarian, who did everything he could to help him. Hungry Joe just wouldn't listen to Yossarian. Hungry Joe just wouldn't listen because he thought Yossarian was crazy By Joseph Heller Joe Hungry Yossarian Crazy Listen

Kraft was a skinny, harmless kid from Pennsylvania who wanted only to be liked, and was destined to be disappointed in even so humble and degrading an ambition. Instead, of being liked, he was dead, a bleeding cinder on the barbarous pile whom nobody had heard in those last precious moments while the plane with one wing plummeted. By Joseph Heller Pennsylvania Kraft Skinny Harmless Ambition

Bribery is against the law, and you know it. But it's not against the law to make a profit, is it? So it can't be against the law for me to bribe someone in order to make a fair profit, can it? No, of course not! By Joseph Heller Law Bribery Make Profit Bribe

When you consider the opportunity and power He had to really do a job, and then look at the stupid, ugly little mess He made of it instead, His sheer incompetence is almost staggering. By Joseph Heller Job Stupid Ugly Staggering Opportunity

Men," he began his address to the officers, measuring his pauses carefully. "You're American officers. The officers of no other army in the world can make that statement. Think about it. By Joseph Heller Men Officers Measuring Carefully Began

I'm a regular supra man By Joseph Heller Man Regular Supra

She acts like she don't like you""She doesn't like anyone""She likes Capitan Black", Orr reminded."That's because he treats her like dirt. Anyone can get a girl that way By Joseph Heller Black Orr Capitan Reminded Dirt

Darling, we're going to have a baby again,' she would say to her husband.I haven't the time,' Lieutenant Scheisskopf would grumble petulantly. 'Don't you know there's a parade going on? By Joseph Heller Darling Lieutenant Scheisskopf Time Petulantly

I'd rather have peanut brittle crumbs on my face than flies in my eyes, Havermeyer retorted. By Joseph Heller Havermeyer Eyes Retorted Peanut Brittle

What the hell are you getting so upset about?' he asked her bewilderedly in a tone of contrive amusement. 'I thought you didn't believe in God.'I don't,' she sobbed, bursting violently into tears. 'But the God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid God you make Him to be.'Yossarian laughed and turned her arms loose. 'Let's have a little more religious freedom between us,' he proposed obligingly. 'You don't believe in the God you want to, and I won't believe in the God I want to . Is that a deal? By Joseph Heller God Hell Upset God Yossarian

Man was matter, that was Snowden's secret. Drop him out a window, and he'll fall. Set fire to him and he'll burn. Bury him and he'll rot, like other kinds of garbage. The spirit gone, man is garbage. That was Snowden's secret. Ripeness was all. By Joseph Heller Snowden Matter Secret Man Garbage

You have deep-seated survival anxieties. And you don't like bigots, bullies, snobs or hypocrites. Subconsciously there are many people you hate.""Consciously, sir, consciously," Yossarian corrected in an effort to help. "I hate them consciously. By Joseph Heller Consciously Anxieties Deepseated Survival Bullies

Colonel Cargill was so awful a marketing executive that his services were much sought after by firms eager to establish losses for tax purposes. Throughout the civilized world, from Battery Park to Fulton Street, he was known as a dependable man for a fast tax write-off. His prices were high, for failure often did not come easily. By Joseph Heller Cargill Colonel Purposes Tax Awful

It's a small wound. All we have to do is stop the bleeding, clean it out and put a few stitches in." "But I've never had a chance to operate before. Which one is the scalpel? Is this one the scalpel? By Joseph Heller Wound Scalpel Small Bleeding Clean

The country was in peril; he was jeopardizing his traditional rights of freedom and independence by daring to exercise them. By Joseph Heller Peril Country Jeopardizing Traditional Freedom

It made him proud that 29 months in the service had not blunted his genius for ineptitude. By Joseph Heller Months Ineptitude Made Proud Service

Once when Gold was visiting in Florida,his father drew him across the street just to meet some friends and introduced him by saying,"This is my son's brother.The one that never amounted to much. By Joseph Heller Gold Floridahis Visiting Father Drew

You're inches away from death every time you go on a mission. How much older can you be at your age? By Joseph Heller Mission Inches Death Time Age

Under Colonel Korn's rule, the only people permitted toask questions were those who never did. By Joseph Heller Colonel Korn Rule People Permitted

You know, one good apple can spoil the rest, Colonel Korn concluded with conscious irony. By Joseph Heller Colonel Korn Rest Irony Good

The Germans will be beaten in a few months. And Japan will be beaten a few months after that. If I were to give up my life now, it wouldn't be for my country. It would be for Cathcart and Korn. So I'm turning my bombsight in for the duration. From now on I'm thinking only of me. By Joseph Heller Germans Beaten Months Japan Korn

A distant warm look entered Major Danby's eyes. "It must be nice to live like a vegetable," he conceded wistfully."It's lousy," answered Yossarian."No, it must be very pleasant to be free from all this doubt and pressure," insisted Major Danby. "I think I'd like to live like a vegetable and make no important decisions.""What kind of vegetable, Danby?""A cucumber or a carrot.""What kind of a cucumber? A good one or a bad one?""Oh, a good one, of course.""They'd cut you off in your prime and slice you up for a salad."Major Danby's face fell. "A poor one, then.""They'd let you rot and use you for fertilizer to help the good ones grow.""I guess I don't want to live like a vegetable, then," said Major Danby with a smile of sad resignation. By Joseph Heller Danby Major Vegetable Live Good

He could not make them understand that ... having a good time bored him and was not worth the effort. By Joseph Heller Make Understand Effort Good Time

No such private nights of ecstasy or hushed-up drinking and sex orgies ever occurred. They might have occurred if either General Dreedle or General Peckem had once evinced an interest in taking part in orgies with him, but neither ever did, and the colonel was certainly not going to waste his time and energy making love to beautiful women unless there was something in it for him. By Joseph Heller General Orgies Occurred Private Nights

You're an intelligent person of great moral character who has taken a very courageous stand. I'm an intelligent person with no moral character at all, so I'm in an ideal position to appreciate it. By Joseph Heller Intelligent Stand Person Moral Character

A nagging bitch of a doubt, burrowing painlessly inside a conscience that felt perfectly clear By Joseph Heller Doubt Burrowing Clear Nagging Bitch

Sinking invalids blew kisses to him from windows. Aproned shopkeepers cheered ecstatically from the narrow doorways of their shops. Tubas crumped. Here and there a person fell and was trampled to death. By Joseph Heller Sinking Windows Invalids Blew Kisses

History was a trash bag of random coincidences torn open in a wind. Surely, Watt with his steam engine, Faraday with his electric motor, and Edison with his incandescent light bulb did not have it as their goal to contribute to a fuel shortage some day that would place their countries at the mercy of Arab oil. By Joseph Heller History Wind Trash Bag Random

His response to them [women] as sexual beings was one of frenzied worship and idolatry. They were lovely, satisfying, maddening manifestations of the miraculous, instruments of pleasure too powerful to be measured, too keen to be endured, and too exquisite to be intended for employment by base, unworthy man. By Joseph Heller Women Idolatry Response Sexual Frenzied

I don't believe in miracles because it's been a long time since we've had any. By Joseph Heller Miracles Long Time

Yossarian wrinkled his forehead with quizzical amusement. You won't marry me because I'm crazy, and you say I'm crazy because I want to marry you? Is that right? By Joseph Heller Yossarian Amusement Wrinkled Forehead Quizzical

How much longer do you really think your own country will last? Forever? Keep in mind that the earth itself is destined to be destroyed by the sun in twenty-five million years or so. By Joseph Heller Forever Longer Country Mind Earth

I want to keep my dreams, even bad ones, because without them, I might have nothing all night long. By Joseph Heller Dreams Long Bad Night

He mashed hundreds of cakes of GI soap into the sweet potatoes just to show that people have the taste of Philistines and don't know the difference between good and bad. By Joseph Heller Philistines Bad Mashed Hundreds Cakes

One had to know Plato personally to appreciate the love he suppressed puritanically for the music, poetry, and drama he censured in his philosophy and censored in his model communities. They moved him too deeply. By Joseph Heller Poetry Plato Music Communities Personally

Yossarian was in love with the maid in the lime-colored panties because she seemed to be the only woman left he could make love to without falling in love with. By Joseph Heller Love Yossarian Maid Limecolored Panties

Oh, they're there all right," Orr had assured him about the flies in Appleby's eyes after Yossarian's fist fight in the officers' club, "although he probably doesn't even know it. That's why he can't see things as they really are." "How come he doesn't know it?" inquired Yossarian. "Because he's got flies in his eyes," Orr explained with exaggerated patience. "How can he see he's got flies in his eyes if he's got flies in his eyes? By Joseph Heller Appleby Flies Orr Yossarian Eyes

Who's they?" He wanted to know. "Who, specifically, do you think is trying to murder you?""Every one of them," Yossarian told him."Every one of whom?""Every one of whom do you think?""I haven't any idea.""Then how do you know they aren't?""Because ... " Clevinger sputtered, and turned speechless with frustration. Clevinger really thought he was right, but Yossarian had proof, because strangers he didn't know shot at him with cannons every time he flew up into the air to drop bombs on them, and it wasn't funny at all. By Joseph Heller Clevinger Yossarian Specifically Wanted Him

There was no established procedure for evasive action. All you needed was fear, and Yossarian had plenty of that, more fear than Orr or Hungry Joe, more fear even than Dunbar, who had resigned himself submissively to the idea that he must die someday By Joseph Heller Action Fear Established Procedure Evasive

Yossarian decided to change the subject. "Now you're changing the subject." he pointed out diplomatically. "I'll bet I can name two things to be miserable about for every one you can name to be thankful for. By Joseph Heller Yossarian Subject Decided Change Subject

Steal Captain Black's car," said Yossarian. "That's what I always do." "We can't steal anybody's car. Since you began stealing the nearest car every time you wanted one, nobody leaves the ignition on. By Joseph Heller Yossarian Captain Black Car Steal

but Yossarian had proof, because strangers he didn't know shot at him with cannons every time he flew up into the air to drop bombs on them, and it wasn't funny at all. And if that wasn't funny, there were lots of things that weren't even funnier. By Joseph Heller Yossarian Proof Funny Strangers Shot

Last night in the latrine. Didn't you whisper that we couldn't punish you to that other dirty son of a bitch we don't like? What's his name?""Yossarian, sir," Lieutenant Scheisskopf said."Yes, Yossarian. That's right. Yossarian. Yossarian? Is that his name? Yossarian? What the hell kind of a name is Yossarian?"Lieutenant Scheisskopf had the facts at his finger tips. "It's Yossarian's name, sir," he explained. By Joseph Heller Yossarian Lieutenant Scheisskopf Latrine Sir

The captain was a good chess player, and the games were always interesting. Yossarian had stopped playing chess with him because the games were so interesting they were foolish. By Joseph Heller Games Player Chess Interesting Captain

'You haven't got a chance kid,' he had told him glumly.'They hate Jews.' 'But I'm not Jewish,' answered Clevinger. 'It will make no difference,' Yossarian promised, and Yossarian was right. 'They're after everybody. By Joseph Heller Jews Kid Glumly Yossarian Jewish

I only raped her once," he explained. Yossarian was aghast. "But you killed her, Aarfy! You killed her!" "Oh, I had to do that after I raped her," Aarfy replied in his most condescending manner. By Joseph Heller Aarfy Explained Killed Raped Yossarian

How do you feel Yossarian?""Fine. No, I'm very frightened.""That's good," said Major Danby. "It proves you're still alive. It won't be fun."Yossarian started out. "Yes it will. By Joseph Heller Fine Yossarian Danby Feel Major

Sure, that's what I mean,' Doc Daneeka said. 'A little grease is what makes this world go round. One hand washes the other. Know what I mean? You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.'Yossarian knew what he meant.That's not what I meant,' Doc Daneeka said, as Yossarian began scratching his back. By Joseph Heller Doc Daneeka Yossarian Back Scratch

From now on I'm thinking only of me."Major Danby replied indulgently with a superior smile: "But, Yossarian, suppose everyone felt that way.""Then," said Yossarian, "I'd certainly be a damned fool to feel any other way, wouldn't I? By Joseph Heller Yossarian Major Danby Smile Suppose

Yossarian's attitude toward his roommates turned merciful and protective at the mere recollection of Captain Black. It was not their fault that they were young and cheerful, he reminded himself as he carried the swinging beam of his flashlight back through the darkness. He wished that he could be young and cheerful, too. And it wasn't their fault that they were courageous, confident and carefree. He would just have to be patient with them until one or two were killed and the rest wounded, and then they would all turn out okay. By Joseph Heller Black Captain Cheerful Yossarian Attitude

Good God, how much reverence can you have for a Supreme Being who finds it necessary to include tooth decay in His divine system of creation? Why in the world did He ever create pain?''Pain?' Lieutenant Shiesskopf's wife pounced upon the word victoriously. 'Pain is a warning to us of bodily dangers.''And who created the dangers?' Yossarian demanded. 'Why couldn't He have used a doorbell to notify us, or one of His celestial choirs? Or a system of blue-and-red neon tubes right in the middle of each person's forehead?''People would certainly look silly walking around with red neon tubes right in the middle of their foreheads.''They certainly look beautiful now writhing in agony, don't they? By Joseph Heller God Supreme Pain Good Creation

I'm cold,' Snowden said softly, 'I'm cold.''You're going to be all right, kid,' Yossarian reassured him with a grin. 'You're going to be all right.''I'm cold,' Snowden said again in a frail, childlike voice. 'I'm cold.''There, there,' Yossarian said, because he did not know what else to say. 'There, there.''I'm cold,' Snowden whimpered. 'I'm cold.''There, there. There, there. By Joseph Heller Snowden Cold Yossarian Cold Kid

Yossarian marveled that children could suffer such barbaric sacrifice without evincing the slightest hint of fear or pain. He took for granted that they did submit so stoically. If not, he reasoned, the custom would certainly have died, for no craving for wealth or immortality could be so great, he felt, as to subsist on the sorrow of children. By Joseph Heller Yossarian Pain Marveled Suffer Barbaric

In short, he was a dope. He often looked to Yossarian like one of those people hanging around modern museums with both eyes together on one side of a face. It was an illusion, of course, generated by Clevinger's predilection for staring fixedly at one side of a question and never seeing the other side at all. By Joseph Heller Side Short Dope Yossarian Clevinger

Actually there were many officers' clubs that Yossarian had not helped build, but he was proudest of the one on Pianosa. It was a sturdy and complex monument to his powers of determination. Yossarian never went there to help until it was finished; then he went there often, so pleased was he with the large , fine, rambling shingled building. It was a truly splendid building, and Yossarian throbbed with a mighty sense of accomplishment each time he gazed at it and reflected that none of the work that had gone into it was his. By Joseph Heller Pianosa Yossarian Build Officers Clubs

Yossarian!!!(?)! By Joseph Heller Yossarian

Where were you born?""On a battlefield," [Yossarian] answered."No, no. In what state were you born?""In a state of innocence. By Joseph Heller Yossarian Answered Born Battlefield State

Why," swore Yossarian at him approvingly, "you evil-eyed, mechanicallyaptituded, disaffiliated son of a bitch, did you walk around with anything in your cheeks? By Joseph Heller Mechanicallyaptituded Yossarian Swore Approvingly Evileyed

But Yossarian knew he was right, because, as he explained to Clevinger, to the best of his knowledge he had never been wrong. By Joseph Heller Clevinger Yossarian Wrong Knew Explained

The enemy," retorted Yossarian with weighted precision, "is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's on, and that includes Colonel Cathcart. And don't you forget that, because the longer you remember it, the longer you might live. By Joseph Heller Cathcart Yossarian Colonel Enemy Retorted

The only thing going on was a war, and no one seemed to notice but Yossarian and Dunbar. And when Yossarian tried to remind people, they drew away from him and thought he was crazy. By Joseph Heller Dunbar Yossarian War Thing Notice

He found Luciana sitting alone at a table in the Allied officers' night club, where the drunken Anzac major who had brought her there had been stupid enough to desert her for the ribald company of some singing comrades at the bar."All right, I'll dance with you," she said, before Yossarian could even speak. "But I won't let you sleep with me.""Who asked you?" Yossarian asked her."You don't want to sleep with me?" she exclaimed with surprise."I don't want to dance with you. By Joseph Heller Luciana Allied Anzac Club Bar

Yossarian attended the education sessions because he wanted to find out why so many people were working so hard to kill him. By Joseph Heller Yossarian Attended Education Sessions Wanted

It was love at first sight. The first time Yossarian saw the chaplain he fell madly in love with him. By Joseph Heller Sight Love Yossarian Time Chaplain

The Texan wanted everybody in the ward to be happy but Yossarian and Dunbar. He was really very sick. By Joseph Heller Dunbar Texan Yossarian Wanted Ward

Through the lavender gloom clouding the entrance of the operations tent, Yossarian glimpsed Chief White Halfoat, diligently embezzling whiskey rations, forging the signatures of nondrinkers and pouring off the alcohol with which he was poisoning himself into separate bottles rapidly in order to steal as much as he could before Captain Black roused himself with recollection and came hurrying over indolently to steal the rest himself. By Joseph Heller Steal Yossarian Halfoat Chief White

They're trying to kill me," Yossarian told him calmly.No one's trying to kill you," Clevinger cried.Then why are they shooting at me?" Yossarian asked.They're shooting at everyone," Clevinger answered. "They're trying to kill everyone."And what difference does that make? By Joseph Heller Clevinger Yossarian Kill Shooting Told

The dead man in Yossarian's tent was a pest, and Yossarian didn't like him, even though he had never seen him. Having him laying around all day annoyed Yossarian so much that he had gone to the orderly room several times to complain to Sergeant Towser, who refused to admit that the dead man even existed, which, of course, he no longer did. By Joseph Heller Yossarian Dead Pest Man Tent

Yossarian left money in the old woman's lap - it was odd how many wrongs leaving money seemed to right - and By Joseph Heller Yossarian Lap Money Left Woman

Orr was one of the homeliest freaks Yossarian had ever encountered, and one of the most attractive. By Joseph Heller Yossarian Orr Encountered Attractive Homeliest

Doc Daneeka was Yossarian's friend and would do just about nothing in his power to help him. By Joseph Heller Daneeka Yossarian Doc Friend Power

Havermeyer was a lead bombardier who never missed. Yossarian was a lead bombardier who had been demoted because he no longer gave a damn whether he missed or not. He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt, and his only mission each time he went up was to come down alive. By Joseph Heller Lead Bombardier Havermeyer Missed Yossarian

Erogenous zones are either everywhere or nowhere. By Joseph Heller Erogenous Zones

When I look up, I see people cashing in. I don't see heaven or saints or angels. I see people cashing in on every decent impulse and every human tragedy. By Joseph Heller People Cashing Angels Heaven Saints

Like all the other officers at Group Headquarters except Major Danby, Colonel Cathcart was infused with the democratic spirit: he believed that all men were created equal, and he therefore spurned all men outside Group Headquarters with equal fervor. By Joseph Heller Group Headquarters Danby Colonel Men

Colonel Cathcart had courage and never hesitated to volunteer his men for any target available. By Joseph Heller Cathcart Colonel Courage Hesitated Volunteer

Look, I might keep interested in this if you stop shouting it all over the island and if you stick to killing Colonel Cathcart. But if you're going to turn it into a bloodbath, you can forget about me. By Joseph Heller Cathcart Colonel Interested Stop Shouting

Mankind is resilient: the atrocities that horrified us a week ago become acceptable tomorrow. By Joseph Heller Mankind Resilient Tomorrow Atrocities Horrified

The question is: what is a sane man to do in an insane society? By Joseph Heller Society Question Sane Man Insane

Milo had been earning many distinctions for himself. He had flown fearlessly into danger and criticism by selling petroleum and ball bearings to Germany at good prices in order to make a good profit and help maintain a balance of power between the contending forces. His nerve under fire was graceful and infinite. With a devotion to purpose above and beyond the line of duty, he had then raised the price of food in his mess halls so high that all officers and enlisted men had to turn over all their pay to him in order to eat. Their alternative - there was an alternative, of course, since Milo detested coercion and was a vocal champion of freedom of choice - was to starve. By Joseph Heller Earning Distinctions Milo Order Good

He wanted to write urgent love letters to her all day long and crowd the endless pages with desperate, uninhibited confessions of his humble worship and need with careful instructions for administering artificial respiration. He wanted to pour out to her in torrents of self-pity all his unbearable loneliness and despair and warn her never to leave the boric acid or the aspirin in reach of the children or to cross a street against the traffic light. He did not wish to worry her. By Joseph Heller Wanted Desperate Uninhibited Respiration Write

The only one who lived with the chaplain in his clearing in the woods was Corporal Whitcomb, his assistant. Corporal Whitcomb, an atheist, was a disgruntled subordinate who felt he could do the chaplain's job much better than the chaplain was doing it and viewed himself, therefore, as an underprivileged victim of social inequity. By Joseph Heller Whitcomb Chaplain Corporal Assistant Lived

Man was matter. Drop him out of a window and he'll fall. Set fire to him and he'll burn. Bury him and he'll rot, like other kinds of garbage. By Joseph Heller Man Matter Drop Fall Set

There are outrages and there are outrages, and some are more outrageous than others.Mankind is resilient: the atrocities that horrified us a week ago become acceptable tomorrow.The Death of Socrates had no effect upon the history of Athens. If anything, the reputation of the city has been improved by it.The death of no person is as important to the future as the literature about it.You will learn nothing from history that can be applied, so don't kid yourself into thinking you can.'History is bunk', said Henry Ford. By Joseph Heller Athens Outrages History Socrates Death

That's a horrible dream!" Major Sanderson cried. "It's filled with pain and mutilation and death. I'm sure you had it just to spite me. You know, I'm not even sure you belong in the Army, with a disgusting dream like that. By Joseph Heller Horrible Sanderson Dream Army Major

Being born with a sickly resemblance to Henry Fonda was the first of a long series of practical jokes of which destiny was to make Major Major the unhappy victim throughout his joyless life. Being born Major Major Major was the second By Joseph Heller Major Henry Fonda Born Life

In the long run, failure was the only thing that worked predictably. All else was accidental. By Joseph Heller Run Failure Predictably Long Thing

I couldn't see tying myself down with a middle-aged woman with four children, even though the woman was my wife and the children were my own. By Joseph Heller Woman Children Tying Middleaged Wife

Success and failure are both difficult to endure. Along with success come drugs, divorce, fornication, bullying, travel, meditation, medication, depression, neurosis and suicide. With failure comes failure. By Joseph Heller Endure Failure Success Difficult Divorce

Can't you stop by my tent on your way to the hospital and punch one of them in the nose for me?" he speculated aloud. "I've got four of them, and they're going to crowd me out of my tent altogether." "You know, something like that once happened to my whole tribe," Chief White Halfoat remarked By Joseph Heller Aloud Tent Stop Hospital Punch

Like hell he was," said the first C.I.D. man. "I'm the C.I.D. man arround here." Major Major could barely recognize him because he was wearing a faded maroon corduroy bathrobe with open seams under both arms, linty flannel pajamas, & worn house slippers with one flapping sole. By Joseph Heller Man Hell Major Arms Linty

That's another thing that pisses me off about that Michelangelo statue of me in Florence. He's got me standing there uncircumcised! Who the fuck did he think I was? By Joseph Heller Florence Michelangelo Thing Pisses Statue

Clevinger had a mind, and Lieutenant Scheisskoph had noticed that people with minds tended to get pretty smart at times. By Joseph Heller Lieutenant Scheisskoph Clevinger Times Noticed

It was love at first sight. By Joseph Heller Sight Love

She was the epitome of stately sorrow each time she smiled. By Joseph Heller Smiled Epitome Stately Sorrow Time

The important thing is to keep them pledging," he explained to his cohorts. "It doesn't matter whether they mean it or not. That's why they make little kids pledge allegiance even before they know what 'pledge' and 'allegiance' mean. By Joseph Heller Pledging Cohorts Important Thing Explained

They were frisky, eager and exuberant, and they had all been friends in the States. They were plainly unthinkable. They were noisy, overconfident, empty-headed kids of twenty-one. They had gone to college and were engaged to pretty, clean girls whose pictures were already standing on the rough cement mantelpiece of Orr's fireplace. They had ridden in speedboats and played tennis. They had been horseback riding. One had once been to bed with an older woman. They knew the same poeple in different parts of the country and had gone to school with each other's cousins. By Joseph Heller States Frisky Eager Exuberant Friends

Gold was not sure of many things, but he was definite about one: for every successful person he knew, he could name at least two others of greater ability, better, and higher intelligence who, by comparison, had failed. By Joseph Heller Gold Things Knew Ability Comparison

Major Major's father had a good joke about opportunity. "Opportunity only knocks once in this world," he would say. Major Major's father repeated this good joke at every opportunity. By Joseph Heller Major Opportunity Father Good Joke

Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck. By Joseph Heller Destiny Good Thing Accept Call

I'd be the last colonel in the world to order you to go to that U.S.O. show and have a good time, but I want every one of you who isn't sick enough to be in a hospital to go to that U.S.O. show right now and have a good time, and that's an order! By Joseph Heller Time Show Good Order Colonel

If Richard Nixon was second-rate, what in the world is third-rate? By Joseph Heller Richard Nixon Secondrate Thirdrate World

If God was dead, how could I feel this bad? By Joseph Heller God Dead Bad Feel

The more loyalty oaths a person signed, the more loyal he was; to Captain Black it was as simple as that, and he had Corporal Kolodny sign hundreds with his name each day so that he could always prove he was more loyal than anyone else. By Joseph Heller Loyal Captain Black Corporal Kolodny

If a man is going to leave one wife to marry another, it's better if he divorces the first before he marries the second. By Joseph Heller Man Leave Wife Marry Divorces

All through the night, men looked at the sky and were saddened by the stars. By Joseph Heller Night Men Stars Looked Sky

The frog is almost five hundred million years old. Could you really say with much certainty that America, with all its strength and prosperity, with its fighting man that is second to none, and with its standard of living that is highest in the world, will last as long as ... the frog? By Joseph Heller Frog Hundred Million Years America

Whatever his elders told him to do, he did. They told him to look before he leaped, and he always looked before he leaped. They told him never to put off until the next day what he could do the day before, and he never did. He was told to honor his father and his mother, and he honored his father and his mother. He was told that he should not kill, and he did not kill, until he got into the Army. Then he was told to kill, and he killed. He turned the other cheek on every occasion and always did unto others exactly as he would have had others do unto him. When he gave to charity, his left hand never knew what his right hand was doing. He never once took the name of the Lord his God in vain, committed adultery or coveted his neighbor's ass. In fact, he loved his neighbor and never even bore false witness against him. Major Major's elders disliked him because he was such a flagrant nonconformist. By Joseph Heller Told Kill Leaped Mother Day

He was a militant idealist who crusaded against racial bigotry by growing faint in its presence. By Joseph Heller Presence Militant Idealist Crusaded Racial

He woke up blinking with a slight pain in his head and opened his eyes upon a world boiling in chaos in which everything was in proper order. By Joseph Heller Order Woke Blinking Slight Pain

To pray for their safety was to pray for the death of other young men he did not even know. By Joseph Heller Pray Safety Death Young Men

It was possible that there were other vus of which he had never heard and that one of these other vus would explain succinctly the baffling phenomenon of which he had been both a witness and a part; it was even possible that none of what he thought had taken place, really had taken place, and that he was dealing with an aberration of memory rather than of perception, that he never really had thought he had seen what he now thought he once did think he had seen, that his impression now that he once had thought so was merely the illusion of an illusion, and that he was only now imagining that he had ever once imagined seeing a naked man sitting in a tree at the cemetery. By Joseph Heller Thought Place Vus Illusion Part

Let's take a drive into the middle of nowhere with a packet of Marlboro lights and talk about our lives. By Joseph Heller Marlboro Lives Drive Middle Packet

-You have no respect for excessive authority or obsolete traditions. You're dangerous and depraved, and you ought to be taken outside and shot! By Joseph Heller Traditions Respect Excessive Authority Obsolete

They think that they're smart and that the rest of us are dumb. By Joseph Heller Dumb Smart Rest

never give testimony against another physician. By Joseph Heller Physician Give Testimony

Appleby was a fair-haired boy from Iowa who believed in God, Motherhood and the American Way of Life, without ever thinking about any of them, and everybody who knew him liked him. By Joseph Heller God Motherhood Life Iowa American

the platitudes of Americanism were horseshit. Number one, they didn't work. Number two, they weren't true. Number three, the people giving voice to them didn't believe them either. By Joseph Heller Americanism Number Horseshit Platitudes Work

It isn't necessary to call me Father, the chaplain explained. I'm an Anabaptist. By Joseph Heller Father Explained Anabaptist Call Chaplain

Depreciating motels, junked automobiles, and quick-food joints grow like amber waves of grain. By Joseph Heller Depreciating Motels Junked Automobiles Grain

The colonel dwelt in a vortex of specialists who were still specializing in trying to determine what was troubling him. They hurled lights in his eyes to see if he could see, rammed needles into nerves to hear if he could feel. There was a urologist for his urine, a lymphologist for his lymph, an endocrinologist for his endocrines, a psychologist for his psyche, a dermatologist for his derma; there was a pathologist for his pathos, a cystologist for his cysts, and a bald and pendantic cetologist from the zoology department at Harvard who had been shanghaied ruthlessly into the Medical Corps by a faulty anode in an I.B.M. machine and spent his sessions with the dying colonel trying to discuss Moby Dick with him. By Joseph Heller Dwelt Vortex Specialists Specializing Determine

There are yawning gulfs into which large chunks of me have fallen. I do not always know where I am at present. By Joseph Heller Fallen Yawning Gulfs Large Chunks

Now, where were we? Read me back the last line." " 'Read me back the last line,' " read back the corporal who could take shorthand. By Joseph Heller Read Back Line Shorthand Corporal

You just came out of the hospital ten days ago," Milo reminded him reprovingly. "You can't keep running into the hospital every time something happens you don't like. No, the best thing to do is fly the missions. It's our duty. By Joseph Heller Milo Ago Reprovingly Hospital Ten

And he knew something else as a social evolutionist that he might stress someday in his 'Every Change Is for the Worse' should he ever find time to write it: Gold knew that the most advanced and penultimate stage of a civilization was attained when chaos masqueraded as order, and he knew we were already there. By Joseph Heller Knew Worse Gold Change Order

But I'm afraid you have it backward. It is better to live on one's feet than die on one's knees. That is the way the saying goes. By Joseph Heller Backward Afraid Knees Live Feet

Because it's better to die on one's feet that+n live on one's knees," Nately retorted with triumphant and lofty convivtion. "I guess you've heard that saying before.""Yes, I certainly have," mused the treacherous old man, smiling again. "But I'm afraid you have it backward. It is better to live on one's feet than die on one's knees. By Joseph Heller Nately Knees Convivtion Retorted Triumphant

Captain Black knew he was a subversive because he wore eyeglasses and used words like panacea and utopia, and because he disapproved of Adolf Hitler, who had done such a great job of combating unAmerican activities in Germany. By Joseph Heller Hitler Germany Black Adolf Captain

Moses has the Ten Commandments, it's true, but I've got much better lines - King David By Joseph Heller Commandments King David Ten Moses

A man's head is his castle. By Joseph Heller Castle Man Head

where are the snowdens of yesteryear? By Joseph Heller Yesteryear Snowdens

He felt imprisoned in an airplane. In an airplane there was absolutely no place in the world to go except to another part of the airplane. Doc Daneeka had been told that people who enjoyed climbing into an airplane were really giving vent to a subconscious desire to climb back into the womb. By Joseph Heller Airplane Felt Imprisoned Daneeka Absolutely

There was no way of really knowing anything, he knew, not even that there was no way of really knowing anything. By Joseph Heller Knowing Knew

He was a self-made man who owed his lack of success to nobody. By Joseph Heller Selfmade Man Owed Lack Success

the full fury of his storming countenance with its rugged overhang of gullied forehead and huge crag of a humpbacked nose that came charging out of his face wrathfully like a Big Ten fullback. By Joseph Heller Big Ten Fullback Full Fury

In the morning he stepped from his tent looking haggard, fearful and guilt-ridden, an eaten shell of a human building rocking perilously on the brink of collapse. By Joseph Heller Haggard Fearful Guiltridden Collapse Morning

I'm gonna live forever, or die trying. By Joseph Heller Forever Gonna Live Die

It was just before dawn during the Great Big Siege of Bologna, when tongueless dead men peopled the night hours like living ghosts and Hungry Joe was half out of his mind with anxiety because he had finished his missions By Joseph Heller Bologna Great Big Siege Hungry

The Texan turned out to be good-natured, generous and likable. In three days no one could stand him. By Joseph Heller Texan Goodnatured Generous Likable Turned

Five is very good, Milo," he observed with enthusiasm, spying a ray of hope. "That averages out to almost one combat mission every two months. And I'll bet your total doesn't even include the time you bombed us." "Yes, sir. It does. By Joseph Heller Milo Good Enthusiasm Spying Hope

I used to get a big kick out of saving people's lives. Now I wonder what the hell's the point, since they all have to die anyway.""Oh, there's a point, all right," Dunbar assured him."Is there? What's the point?""The point is to keep them from dying as long as you can.""Yeah, but what's the point, since they all have to die anyway?""The trick is not to think about that.""Never mind the trick. What the hell's the point?"Dunbar pondered in silence for a few moments. "Who the hell knows. By Joseph Heller Point Dunbar Hell Lives Die

It sure is a pleasure not having Flume around in the mess hall any more. No more of that 'Pass the salt, Walt.'""Or 'Pass the bread, Fred.'""Or 'Shoot me a beet, Pete. By Joseph Heller Pass Flume Pete Pleasure Mess

It's a wise person, I guess, who knows he's dumb, and an honest person who knows he's a liar. And it's a dumb person, I guess, whose convinced he's wise ... -Bob Slocum By Joseph Heller Guess Person Liar Wise Dumb

Only Hungry Joe had something better to do each time he finished his missions. He had screaming nightmares and won fist fights with Huple's cat. By Joseph Heller Hungry Joe Missions Time Finished

I get the willies when I see closed doors. By Joseph Heller Doors Willies Closed

I've come to look upon death the same way I look upon root-canal work. Everyone else seems to get through it all right, so it couldn't be too difficult for me. By Joseph Heller Work Death Rootcanal Difficult

The syndicate makes the profit. And everybody has a share. By Joseph Heller Profit Syndicate Makes Share

General Peckem even recommends that we send our men into combat in full-dress uniform so they'll make a good impression on the enemy when they're shot down. By Joseph Heller Peckem General Recommends Send Men

I don't think the 'what' distinguishes a good novel from a bad one but rather the 'how.' By Joseph Heller Distinguishes Good Bad

They had not brains enough to be introverted and repressed. Cronies By Joseph Heller Cronies Repressed Brains Introverted

I've flown over seventy goddam combat missions. Don't talk to me about fighting to save my country. I've been fighting all along to save my country. Now I'm going to fight a little to save myself. The country's not in danger any more, but I am. By Joseph Heller Save Country Missions Flown Seventy

As always occurred when he quarreled over principles in which he believed passionately, he would end up gasping furiously for air and blinking back bitter tears of conviction. There were many principles in which Clevinger believed passionately. He was crazy. By Joseph Heller Passionately Principles Believed Conviction Occurred

Just for once I'd like to see all these things sort of straightened out, with each person getting exactly what he deserves. It might give me some confidence in this universe. By Joseph Heller Deserves Things Sort Straightened Person

Something did happen to me somewhere that robbed me of confidence and courage and left me with a fear of discovery and change and a positive dread of everything unknown that may occur. By Joseph Heller Occur Happen Robbed Confidence Courage

I had the strongest trade association in the world backing me up. By Joseph Heller Strongest Trade Association World Backing

I am miracle ingredient Z-247. I'm immense. I'm a real, slam-bang, honest-to-goodness, three-fisted humdinger. I'm a bona fide supraman. By Joseph Heller Ingredient Miracle Slambang Immense Real

I could not write about a subject sacred to me because I would be too flippant. Fortunately, there are no subjects sacred to me. By Joseph Heller Sacred Flippant Fortunately Write Subject

And between us now there is this continual underground struggle over something trivial and nebulous that won't abate and has lasted nearly as long as the two of us have known each other. I love you. By Joseph Heller Continual Underground Struggle Trivial Nebulous

I don't want to make sacrifices. I want to make dough. By Joseph Heller Sacrifices Make Dough

Major Major had lied, and it was good. He was not really surprised that it was good, for he had observed that people who did lie were, on the whole, more resourceful and ambitious and successful than people who did not lie. By Joseph Heller Major Good Lied People Lie

Even when he cheated he couldn't win, because the people he cheated against were always better at cheating too. By Joseph Heller Cheated Win People Cheating

Help him!Help who?Help the bombardier!I'm a bombardier.Help him, help him!Help who? By Joseph Heller Bombardier Bombardierhelp

Hasn't it ever occurred to you that in your promiscuous pursuit of women you are merely trying to assuage your subconscious fears of sexual impotence?""Yes, sir, it has.""Then why do you do it?""To assuage my fears of sexual impotence. By Joseph Heller Impotence Sexual Sir Assuage Fears

And he sprang out of bed at the crack of noon every day just to make certain that the chores would not be done. He By Joseph Heller Sprang Bed Crack Noon Day

A true prince. One of the finest, least dedicated men in the whole world. By Joseph Heller Prince True Finest World Dedicated

Shooting skeet eight hours a month was excellent training for them. It trained them to shoot skeet. By Joseph Heller Shooting Skeet Hours Month Excellent

Everything passes. (That's what makes it endurable.) By Joseph Heller Passes Endurable Makes

Hungry Joe collected lists of fatal diseases and arranged them in alphabetical order so that he could put his finger without delay on any one he wanted to worry about. By Joseph Heller Joe Hungry Collected Lists Fatal

Why are they going to disappear him?'I don't know.'It doesn't make sense. It isn't even good grammar. By Joseph Heller Know Sense Disappear Make Grammar

It doesn't make sense. It isn't even good grammar. What the hell does it mean when they disappear somebody? By Joseph Heller Sense Make Grammar Good Hell

Be thankful you're healthy." "Be bitter you're not going to stay that way." "Be glad you're even alive." "Be furious you're going to die. By Joseph Heller Healthy Thankful Bitter Stay Alive

She destroyed egos by the score and made men hate themselves in the morning by the way she found them, used them, and tossed them aside. By Joseph Heller Destroyed Egos Score Made Men

That was where he wanted to be if he had to be there at all, instead of hung out there in front like some goddam cantilevered goldfish in some goddam cantilevered goldfish bowl while the goddam foul black tiers of flak were bursting and booming and billowing all around and above and below him in a climbing, cracking, staggered, banging, phantasmagorical, cosmological wickedness that jarred and tossed and shivered, clattered and pierced, and threatened to annihilate them all in one splinter of a second in one vast flash of fire. By Joseph Heller Goddam Cantilevered Goldfish Cracking Staggered

The man who declares that survival at all costs is the end of existence is morally dead, because he's prepared to sacrifice all other values which give life its meaning. - SIDNEY HOOK By Joseph Heller Dead Meaning Sidney Hook Man

Remember that everyone deserves some fun during working hours. By Joseph Heller Remember Hours Deserves Fun Working

It's only that I feel an injustice has been committed. Why should I have somebody else's malaria and you have my dose of clap? By Joseph Heller Committed Feel Injustice Clap Malaria

I think that maybe in every company today there is always at least one person who is going crazy slowly. By Joseph Heller Slowly Company Today Person Crazy

I think that maybe inside any business, there is someone slowly going crazy By Joseph Heller Business Crazy Inside Slowly

Because he needed a friend so desperately, he never found one. By Joseph Heller Desperately Needed Friend Found

Death to all modifiers, he declared one day, and out of every letter that passed through his hands went every adverb and every adjective. By Joseph Heller Death Modifiers Day Adjective Declared

Homer begged and Rembrandt went bankrupt. Aristotle, who had money for books, his school, and his museum, could not have bought this painting of himself.Rembrandt could not afford a Rembrandt. By Joseph Heller Rembrandt Homer Bankrupt Aristotle Begged

I've always depended very heavily on the good opinion of others. By Joseph Heller Depended Heavily Good Opinion

We have no ideas, and they're pretty firm. By Joseph Heller Ideas Firm Pretty

Why couldn't anybody understand that he was not really a freak but a normal, lonely adult trying to lead a normal, lonely adult life? If they pricked him, didn't he bleed? And if he was tickled, didn't he laugh? It By Joseph Heller Normal Lonely Adult Life Understand

Gold was not altogether certain what, anatomically, a gorge was, but he knew that his was rising. By Joseph Heller Anatomically Gold Rising Altogether Gorge

She reminded him of ( ... ) all the shivering, stupefying misery in a world that never yet had provided enough heat and food and justice for all but an ingenious and unscrupulous handful. What a lousy earth! By Joseph Heller Shivering Stupefying Handful Reminded Misery

I wouldn't want to live without strong misgivings. By Joseph Heller Misgivings Live Strong

Death was irreversible, he suspected, and he began to think he was going to lose By Joseph Heller Death Irreversible Suspected Lose Began

I write longhand and I type and I rewrite on the typed pages. By Joseph Heller Pages Write Longhand Type Rewrite

For war there is always enough. It's peace that's expensive. By Joseph Heller War Expensive Peace

I lost my balls! Aarfy, I lost my balls! By Joseph Heller Balls Lost Aarfy

Neighbors sought him out for advice on all subjects, for he had made much money and was therefore wise. By Joseph Heller Neighbors Subjects Wise Sought Advice

All over the world, boys on every side of bomb line were laying down their lives for what they had been told was their country, and no one seemed to mind, least of all the boys who were laying down their young lives. By Joseph Heller Laying World Country Mind Boys

You will hurt your foot. By Joseph Heller Foot Hurt

Suppose everyone on our side felt that way? By Joseph Heller Suppose Side Felt

It takes very little to make us [women] happy, and more than is contained in heaven and earth to keep us that way By Joseph Heller Women Happy Make Contained Heaven

You've been unable to adjust to the idea of war.''Yes, sir.''You have a morbid aversion to dying. By Joseph Heller Sir Dying Unable Adjust Idea

That crazy bastard may be the only sane one left. By Joseph Heller Left Crazy Bastard Sane

That's what Paradise is- never knowing the difference. By Joseph Heller Paradise Difference Knowing

He wondered often how he would ever recognize the first chill, flush, twinge, ache, belch, sneeze, stain, lethargy, vocal slip, loss of balance or lapse of memory that would signal the inevitable beginning of the inevitable end. By Joseph Heller Flush Twinge Ache Belch Sneeze

Let someone else get killed! By Joseph Heller Killed

Insanity is contagious. By Joseph Heller Insanity Contagious

How did I get here? Somebody pushed me. Somebody must have set me off in this direction and clus-ters of other hands must have touched themselves to the controls at various times, for I would not have picked this way for the world. By Joseph Heller Times World Pushed Set Direction

There was not enough of the patient to go around, and specialists pushed forward in line with raw tempers and snapped at their colleagues in front to hurry up and give somebody else a chance. By Joseph Heller Chance Patient Specialists Pushed Forward

Peace on earth would mean the end of civilization as we know it. By Joseph Heller Peace Earth End Civilization

I can't start writing until I have a closing line. By Joseph Heller Line Start Writing Closing

Well, maybe it's true,' Clevinger conceded unwillingly in a subdued tone. 'Maybe a long life does have to be filled with many unpleasant conditions if it's to seem long. But in that event, who wants one?''I do,' Dunbar told him.'Why?' Clevinger asked.'What else is there? By Joseph Heller Clevinger True Tone Conceded Unwillingly

The problem with the loneliness I suffer is that the company of others has never been a cure for it. By Joseph Heller Problem Loneliness Suffer Company Cure

He made so many people uneasy. Everyone was always very friendly toward him, and no one was ever very nice; everyone spoke to him, and no one ever said anything. By Joseph Heller Uneasy Made People Nice Friendly

Keep in mind that when we talk of a great painting we are not really talking about anything great. We are talking of only a painting. By Joseph Heller Great Painting Talking Mind Talk

Major Major never sees anyone in his office while he's in his office. By Joseph Heller Major Office

Major Major had been born too late and too mediocre. Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. With Major Major it had been all three. Even among men lacking all distinction he inevitably stood out as a man lacking more distinction than all the rest, and people who met him were always impressed by how unimpressive he was. By Joseph Heller Major Mediocre Men Born Late

The smartest people in Washington are the political reporters. They write about their inferiors. By Joseph Heller Washington Reporters Smartest People Political

All you've got to do is lie there a few minutes and die a little. By Joseph Heller Lie Minutes Die

You have to be insane before they will let you fly no more missions, but the fact that you want to fly no more missions is proof that you are not insane. By Joseph Heller Fly Missions Insane Fact Proof

Maybe a long life does have to be filled with many unpleasant conditions if it's to seem long. But in that event, who wants one? By Joseph Heller Long Life Filled Unpleasant Conditions

I don't understand the process of imagination-though I know that I am very much at its mercy. By Joseph Heller Mercy Understand Process Imaginationthough

He was never without misery, and never without hope. By Joseph Heller Misery Hope

Everywhere he looked was a nut, and it was all a sensible young gentleman like himself could do to maintain his perspective amid so much madness. And it was urgent that he did, for he knew his life was in peril. By Joseph Heller Nut Madness Looked Young Gentleman

Keep away, keep away," Hungry Joe screamed. "I said keep away, keep away, you goddam stinking lousy son of a bitch." "At least we found out what he dreams about," Dunbar observed wryly. "He dreams about goddam stinking lousy sons of bitches. By Joseph Heller Hungry Joe Screamed Stinking Lousy

He was going to live forever, or die in the attempt. By Joseph Heller Forever Attempt Live Die

I see everything twice! By Joseph Heller

We do have a zeal for laughter in most situations, give or take a dentist. By Joseph Heller Situations Give Dentist Zeal Laughter

You know, that's my trouble," he groaned. "I never listen to anybody. Somebody kept telling me to put my headlights on, but I just wouldn't listen. By Joseph Heller Trouble Groaned Listen Telling Put

Now you've given them hope, and they're unhappy. So the blame is all yours. By Joseph Heller Hope Unhappy Blame

Nately had a bad start. He came from a good family. By Joseph Heller Nately Start Bad Family Good

In a world in which success was the only virtue, he had resigned himself to failure. By Joseph Heller Virtue Failure World Success Resigned

All of our religions but the Judaic and the Greek think more of us dead than alive. By Joseph Heller Judaic Greek Alive Religions Dead

Rise above principal and do what's right. By Joseph Heller Rise Principal

The years are too short, the days are too long. By Joseph Heller Short Long Years Days

From men motivated by moral certitude, history teaches, no lasting good ever comes. By Joseph Heller Certitude History Teaches Men Motivated

People have a right to do anything that's not forbidden by law, and there's no law against lying to you. By Joseph Heller People Law Forbidden Lying

I never even realized I was Jewish until I was practically grown up. Or rather, I used to feel that everybody in the world was Jewish, which amounts to the same thing. By Joseph Heller Jewish Realized Practically Grown Thing

The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as we could with both of them. By Joseph Heller Lord Gave Farmers Strong Hands

I had examined myself pretty thoroughly and discovered that I was unfit for military service. By Joseph Heller Service Examined Pretty Discovered Unfit

Group Headquarters was alarmed, for there was no telling what people might find out once they felt free to ask whatever questions they wanted to. Colonel By Joseph Heller Headquarters Group Alarmed Colonel Telling

He was sick with lust and mesmerized with regret By Joseph Heller Regret Sick Lust Mesmerized

As soon as there was profit, there were people who wanted to make it, more than they wanted to make anything else. By Joseph Heller Wanted Make Profit People

Everyone agreed that Clevinger was certain to go far in the academic world. In short, Clevinger was one of those people with lots of intelligence and no brains, By Joseph Heller Clevinger World Agreed Academic Short

Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them. By Joseph Heller People Mediocre Mediocrity Born Achieve

Maybe I am senile already and people are too kind to tell me. People are not kind and would tell me. (Maybe people have told me, and I'm too senile to remember). By Joseph Heller People Kind Senile Remember Told

If character is destiny, the good are damned. By Joseph Heller Destiny Damned Character Good

Little by little, or maybe all at once, everything comes to mean its opposite; unreason argues itself into reason, and vice versa, and we cannot see the seams. By Joseph Heller Opposite Unreason Reason Versa Seams

What does the fish remind you of?" "Other fish." "And what do the other fish remind you of?" "Other fish." Major Sanderson sat back disappointedly. "Do you like fish?" "Not especially. By Joseph Heller Fish Remind Sanderson Major Disappointedly

The promises of maniacs, like those of women, are not safely relied upon. By Joseph Heller Maniacs Women Promises Safely Relied

There was no telling what people might find out once they felt free to ask whatever questions they wanted to. By Joseph Heller Telling People Find Felt Free

A situation in which a desired outcome or solution is impossible to attain because of a set of inherently illogical rules or conditions. By Joseph Heller Conditions Situation Desired Outcome Solution

He's back! He's back!""Who's back?" shouted someone else. "Who is it?""What does it mean? What should we do?""Are we on fire?""Get up and run, damn it! Everybody get up and run! By Joseph Heller Back Run Shouted Fire Damn

When people disagreed with him he urged them to be objective. By Joseph Heller Objective People Disagreed Urged

I yearn for you tragically. By Joseph Heller Tragically Yearn

You wouldn't be normal if you were never afraid. Even the bravest men experience fear. One of the biggest jobs we all face in combat is to overcome fear. By Joseph Heller Afraid Fear Normal Bravest Men

I have a feeling that someone nearby is soon going to find out something about me that will mean the end, although I can't imagine what that something is. By Joseph Heller End Feeling Nearby Find Imagine

[They] agreed that it was neither possible nor necessary to educate people who never questioned anything. By Joseph Heller Agreed Educate People Questioned

I think in every country that there is at least one executive who is scared of going crazy. By Joseph Heller Crazy Country Executive Scared

But how can one be warm alone? By Joseph Heller Warm

He was working hard at increasing his life span. He did it by cultivating boredom. By Joseph Heller Span Working Hard Increasing Life

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt, and his only mission each time he went up was to come down alive. The By Joseph Heller Attempt Alive Decided Live Forever

Well, he died. You don't get any older than that. By Joseph Heller Died Older

The knife came down, missing him by inches, and he took off. By Joseph Heller Missing Inches Knife

There is wisdom in madness, and strong probability of truth in all accusations, for people are complete, and everybody is capable of everything. By Joseph Heller Madness Accusations Complete Wisdom Strong

Every writer I know has trouble writing. By Joseph Heller Writing Writer Trouble

I have some decades to spare. Do you know how long a year takes when it's going away? By Joseph Heller Spare Decades Long Year

You have a morbid aversion to dying. By Joseph Heller Dying Morbid Aversion

Bureaucracy, as Hannah Arendt defined it: the rule of nobody. Roll By Joseph Heller Bureaucracy Hannah Arendt Roll Defined

He was like a man who had grown frozen with horror once and had never come completely unthawed. By Joseph Heller Unthawed Man Grown Frozen Horror

He knew everything there was to know about literature, except how to enjoy it By Joseph Heller Literature Knew Enjoy

When I grow up I want to be a little boy. By Joseph Heller Boy Grow

What do you do when it rains?"The captain answered frankly. "I get wet. By Joseph Heller Rains Frankly Captain Answered Wet

You've got flies in your eyes. That's why you can't see them. By Joseph Heller Eyes Flies

Oh well," McWatt sang, "what the hell. By Joseph Heller Mcwatt Sang Hell

My fish dream is a sex dream. By Joseph Heller Dream Fish Sex

It was miraculous. Each day he faced was another dangerous mission against mortality. And he had been surviving them for twenty-eight years. By Joseph Heller Miraculous Mortality Years Day Faced

The enemy is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he is on. By Joseph Heller Killed Enemy Matter Side

I have a weakness for fresh eggs. By Joseph Heller Eggs Weakness Fresh

Since he had nothing better to do well in, he did well in school. By Joseph Heller School

Men went mad and were rewarded with medals. By Joseph Heller Men Medals Mad Rewarded

Prostitution gives her an opportunity to meet people. It provides fresh air and wholesome exercise, and it keeps her out of trouble. By Joseph Heller Prostitution People Opportunity Meet Exercise

Clevinger was one of those people with lots of intelligence and no brains, and everyone knew it except those who soon found it out By Joseph Heller Clevinger Brains People Lots Intelligence

It doesn't make a damned bit of difference who wins the war to someone who's dead. By Joseph Heller Dead Make Damned Bit Difference

Everybody is as unstable as water. By Joseph Heller Water Unstable