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The woman raised her voice. "I said, what are you doing?"Tommy kept typing and looked up. "Pardon me, I was ignoring you. What did you say?""What are you doing?" She repeated."It's a note. Let me read it for you. 'Couldn't anyone else see that they were all slaves of Satan? I had to cleanse the world of their evil. I am the hand of God. Why else would security have let me into the building with an assault rifle in my suitcase? I am a divine instrument.' " Tommy paused and looked up. "That's all I have so far, but I'll guess I end it with an apology to my mom. What do you think?"She smiled as if hiding gas pains and handed him an envelope. By Christopher Moore Voice Tommy Woman Raised Looked

Tommy moved on. Lash, your people have been oppressed for hundreds of years. It's time to strike back. Look, you don't have your MBA yet - they haven't completely juiced you of your usefulness yet. Would Martin Luther King back down from this challenge? Malcolm X? James Brown? Don't you have a dream? Don't you feel good, like you knew that you would, now? By Christopher Moore Tommy Moved Back Lash Mba

Only cops and vampires have to have an invitation to enter. By Christopher Moore Enter Cops Vampires Invitation

Being a shepherd seems easy. I went with Kaliel last week to tend his flock. The Law says that two must go with the flock to keep an abomination from happening. I can spot an abomination from fifty paces." Maggie smiled. "And did you prevent any abominations?" "Oh yes, I kept all of the abominations at bay while Kaliel played with his favorite sheep behind the bushes." "Biff," Joshua said gravely, "that was the abomination you were supposed to prevent." "It was?" "Yes." "Whoops. By Christopher Moore Kaliel Easy Abomination Shepherd Flock

Jealousy makes you feel bad, but God is jealous, so it must be good. Yet when a dog licks its balls it seems to enjoy it, but it must be bad under the law. By Christopher Moore God Jealousy Jealous Good Bad

When war makes commerce and commerce is law, profit rules prudence and justice is flawed. By Christopher Moore Law Profit Flawed Commerce War

Does the work get easier once you know what you are doing?""Your lungs grow thick with stone dust and your eyes bleary from the sun and fragments thrown up by the chisel. You pour your lifeblood out into works of stone for Romans who will take your money in taxes to feed soldiers who will nail your people to crosses for wanting to be free. Your back breaks, your bones creak, your wife screeches at you, and your children torment you with open begging mouths, like greedy baby birds in the nest. You go to bed every night so tired and beaten that you pray to the Lord to send the angel of death to take you in your sleep so you don't have to face another morning. It also has its downside. By Christopher Moore Stone Chisel Easier Lungs Grow

Another hospice worker - another of the amazing women that Charlie had seen in the homes of the dying, helping to deliver them into the next world with as much comfort and dignity and even joy as they could gather - benevolent Valkyries, midwives of the final light, they were - and as Charlie watched them at work, he saw that rather than become detached from, or callous to their job, they became involved with every patient and every family. They were present. He'd seen them grieve with a hundred different families, taking part in an intensity of emotion that most people would feel only a few times in their lives. By Christopher Moore Charlie Valkyries Worker Dying Helping

Tuck watched the sun bubble into the ocean. Columns of vertical cumulus clouds turned to cones of pink cotton candy, then as the sun became a red wafer on the horizon, they turned candy-apple red, with purple rays reaching out of them like searchlights. The water was neon over wet asphalt, blood-spattered gunmetal - colors from the cover of a detective novel where heroes drink hard and beauty is always treacherous. By Christopher Moore Sun Tuck Ocean Watched Bubble

[ ... ] Y'know, the Duchess Regan is living here at the tower now? I took your advice about not talking about her boffnacity [footnote], even with the duke dead and all, can't be too careful. Although, I caught sight of her in a dressing gown one day she was up on the parapet outside her solar. Fine flanks on that princess, despite the danger of death and all for sayin' so, sir." -YeomenAye, the lady is fair, and her gadonk as fine as frog fur [ ... ]" -Pocketfootnote: Boffnacity: an expression of shagnatiousness, fit. from the Latin boffusnatious By Christopher Moore Yknow Duchess Regan Boffnacity Living

Ten salespeople, all young, all dressed in generic cotton casual, looked up from their conversations, spotted the money in her hand, and simultaneously stopped breathing-their brains shutting down bodily functions and rerouting the needed energy to calculate the projected commissions contained in Jody's cash. One by one they resumed breathing and marched toward her, a look of dazed hunger in their eyes: a pack of zombies from the perky, youthful version of The Night of the Living Dead. "I wear a size four and I've got a date in fifteen minutes," Jody said. "Dress me." They descended on her like an evil khaki wave. By Christopher Moore Jody Ten Salespeople Young Casual

Like looking down on a lubricious chess set, isn't it? The king moves in tiny steps, with no direction, like a drunkard trying to avoid the archer's bolt. The others work their strategies and wait for the old man to fall. He has no power, yet all power moves in his orbit and to his mad whim. Do you know there's no fool piece on the chessboard, Kent?" "Methinks the fool is the player, the mind above the moves. By Christopher Moore Moves Set Lubricious Chess Power

One Monday, just for sport, Charlie grabbed an eggplant that a spectacularly wizened granny was going for, but instead of twisting it out of his hand with some mystic kung fu move as he expected, she looked him in the eye and shook her head - just a jog, barely perceptible really - it might have been a tic, but it was the most eloquent of gestures. Charlie read it as saying: O White Devil, you do not want to purloin that purple fruit, for I have four thousand years of ancestors and civilization on you; my grandparents built the railroads and dug the silver mines, and my parents survived the earthquake, the fire, and a society that outlawed even being Chinese; I am mother to a dozen, grandmother to a hundred, and great-grandmother to a legion; I have birthed babies and washed the dead; I am history and suffering and wisdom; I am a Buddha and a dragon; so get your fucking hand off my eggplant before you lose it. By Christopher Moore Charlie Monday Eggplant Hand Sport

Pervy and redundant, don't you think?" I asked the big gay cop, who wouldn't know a va-jay-jay if it bounced up to him and sang the "Star-Spangled Banner." (You ever notice that hardly anything besides the "Star-Spangled Banner" is spangled? There's no, like, the Raisin-Spangled Scone, or the Flea-Spangled Beagle. I'm just saying.)Being the Journal of Abby Normal By Christopher Moore Banner Starspangled Pervy Redundant Scone

If they'd been dogs, they would have all been in the yard eating grass and trying to yak up whatever was making them feel so lousy. Not a bone gnawed, not a ball chased-all tails went unwagged. Oh, life is a fast cat, a short leash, a flea in that place where you just can't scratch. By Christopher Moore Dogs Lousy Yard Eating Grass

Stop," I said. "Please do not further endorken yourself to me. You have great hair and a car that is most fly, and you have just saved me with your mad ninja driving skills, so do not sully your heroic hottie image in my mind by further reciting your nerdy scholastic agenda. Don't tell me what you're studying, Steve, tell me what's in your soul. What haunts you?"And he was like, "Dude, you need to cut back on the caffeine. By Christopher Moore Stop Steve Dude Endorken Fly

Then he looked at my T-shirt and saw Byron's picture on it and he quoted "She Walks in Beauty," which is like my favorite poem next to the one by Baudelaire about his girlfriend being nothing but worm food, except that Lily called that one first because Baudelaire is her fave poet and so she got the shirt with him on it, even though Byron is way more scrumptious and I would do him on sharp gravel if I had the chance.from The Chronicles of Abby Normal By Christopher Moore Byron Baudelaire Beauty Normal Tshirt

It's very difficult to stay angry when a room full of bald guys in orange robes start giggling. Buddhism. By Christopher Moore Buddhism Giggling Difficult Stay Angry

A Bluesman hates to be told what to do. Authority rankles him, inspires his rebellion, and plays to his need to self-destruct. A Bluesman doesn't take to having a boss unless he's on a chain gang (for the chain gang boss ranks below only a mean old woman and a sweet young thing in the hierarchy of the Blues Muse, followed closely by bad liquor, a dead dog, and the Man). By Christopher Moore Bluesman Hates Told Chain Gang

He, Jeff, and Troy Lee carried Super Soakers loaded with Grandma Lee's Vampire Cat Remedy, other Animals had garden sprayers slung on their backs, except for Gustavo, who thought that making him carry a garden sprayer was racial stereotyping. Gustavo had a flame thrower. He wouldn't say where he got it."Second Amendment, cabrones." (The guy who sold Gustavo his green card had included two amendments from the Bill of Rights and Gustavo had chosen Two and Four, the right to bear arms and freedom from unreasonable search and seizure. [His sister Estrella had had seizures as a child. No bueno.] For five bucks extra he threw in the Third Amendment, which Gustavo bought because he was already sharing a three-bedroom house in Richmond with nineteen cousins and they didn't have any room to quarter soldiers.) By Christopher Moore Lee Jeff Gustavo Remedy Garden

When Charlie arrived home from his mother's funeral, he was met at the door by two very large very enthusiastic canines, who , undistracted by keeping watch over Sophie's love hostage, were now able to visit the full measure of their affection and joy upon their returning master. It is generally agreed, and in fact stated in the bylaws of the American Kennel Club, that you have not been truly dog-humped until you have been double-dog-humped by a pair of four-hundred-pouund hounds from hell (Section 5, paragraph 7: Standards of Humping and Ass-dragging). And despite having used an extra-strength antiperspirant that very morning before leaving Sedona, Charlie found that getting poked repeatedly in the armpits by two damp devil-dog dicks was leaving him feeling less than fresh.Sophie, call them off. Call them off."The puppies are dancing with Daddy," Sophie giggled. "Dance, Daddy! By Christopher Moore Charlie Sophie Funeral Canines Undistracted

Joshua's ministry was three years of preaching, sometimes three times a day, and although there were some high and low points, I could never remember the sermons word for word, but here's the gist of almost every sermon I ever heard Joshua give.You should be nice to people, even creeps.And if you:a) believed that Joshua was the Son of God (and)b) he had come to save you from sin (and)c) acknowledged the Holy Spirit within you (became as a little child, he would say) (and)d) didn't blaspheme the Holy Ghost (see c)then you would:e) live foreverf) someplace niceg) probably heavanHowever, if you:h) sinned (and/or)i) were a hypocrite (and/or)j) valued things over people (and)k) didn't do a, b, c, and d,then you were:l) fucked By Christopher Moore Joshua Holy People Word God

From Dickens's cockneys to Salinger's phonies, from Kerouac's beatniks to Cheech and Chong's freaks, and on to hip hop's homies, dialect has always been used as a way for generations to distinguish themselves. By Christopher Moore Dickens Salinger Kerouac Cheech Chong

Do not be afraid Everyone before you has died You cannot stay Any more than a baby can stay forever in the womb Leave behind all you know All you love Leave behind pain and suffering This is what Death is. - The Book of Living and Dying (The Tibetan Book of the Dead) By Christopher Moore Leave Death Stay Book Afraid

Oh, goddamn," said Minty Fresh (damn on the downbeat, with pain and sustain). "Goddamn, my hood and grille are all fucked up. Goddamn. I will tolerate the rising of darkness to cover the world, but you do not fuck with my ride. By Christopher Moore Goddamn Fresh Minty Damn Downbeat

The only thing that matters to me about my stories is that they're entertaining and they're funny. And I tend to get bored easily, so I generally throw something supernatural in. I would say they're humorous novels that have a supernatural bent, but that's as close as you're going to get to fitting them all in the same basket. By Christopher Moore Funny Thing Matters Stories Entertaining

You're trying to be tricky. What's morality?""It's the difference between what's right and what you can rationalize.""Must be a human thing.""Exactly. By Christopher Moore Tricky Morality Rationalize Thing Difference

Henri was giggling now, barely able to contain himself. "So I'm to shovel coal into my shoes hoping no one notices, while smoke and steam - what of the vapor?" "There's little more smoke than a cigar, and the steam would be barely visible by gas lamp. It vents out the back of your trousers, under the tail of your coat." "Marvelous!" said Henri. "I use a similar port for my own vapors. I want to try them, immediately. By Christopher Moore Henri Giggling Barely Smoke Steam

Dressed in their red suits and fake beards, they rang their bells like they were going for dog-spit gold at the Pavlov Olympics. By Christopher Moore Olympics Pavlov Dressed Beards Red

Leathery bar girls worked the charter booths at the harbor, smoking Basic 100s and talking in voices that sounded like 151 rum poured into hot grease - a jigger of friendly to the liter of harsh. By Christopher Moore Basic Leathery Harbor Smoking Rum

Theophilus Crowe's mobile phone played eight bars of "Tangled Up in Blue" in an irritating electronic voice that sounded like a choir of suffering houseflies, or Jiminy Cricket huffing helium, or, well, you know, Bob Dylan. By Christopher Moore Tangled Blue Bob Dylan Crowe

No, you don't understand, young man. You couldn't understand. Emily was my life. I got up in the morning for her, I went to work for her, I built a business for her. I couldn't wait to get home at night to tell her about my day. I went to bed with her and I dreamed about her when I slept. She was my passion, my wife, my best friend, the love of my life. And one day, without warning, she was gone and my life is a void. You couldn't possibly understand. By Christopher Moore Understand Young Man Life Day

Even a mentally challenged shark would figure out that sea turtles did not wear boxer shorts printed in flying piggies, and no sea turtle would be yattering streams of obscenities between chain-smoker gasps of breath. By Christopher Moore Sea Piggies Breath Mentally Challenged

Clair put down her knife and pickle, then wiped her hands. As she came toward Clay she pulled a large bobby pin from the back of her hair, and her long, thick locks cascaded down her back. She took Clay's right hand and kissed each of his fingertips, licked his thumb, then took his index finger in her mouth and made a show of removing it slowly and with maximum moisture. Clay looked at the floor, shaking. "Baby," she said as she placed the bobby pin firmly between Clay's wet thumb and index finger, "I need you to go over to that wall and take this bobby pin and insert it ever so firmly into that electrical outlet over there." Clay looked up at her at last. "Because," she continued, "I know that you aren't mad at me and that you're just grieving for your friends, but I think you need to be reminded that you aren't invulnerable and that you can hurt even more than you do now. By Christopher Moore Clay Bobby Pin Clair Pickle

You're right [Joshua], I have taught you nothing. I could teach you nothing. Everything that you needed to know was already there. You simply needed the word for it. Some need Kali and Shiva to destroy the world so they may see past the illusion to divinity in them, others need Krishna to drive them to the place where they may perceive what is eternal in them. Others may perceive the Divine Spark in themselves only by realizing through enlightenment that the spark resides in all things, and in that they find kinship. But because the Divine Spark resides in all, does not mean that all will discover it. Your dharma is not to learn, Joshua, but to teach.""How will I teach my people about the Divine Spark?" ... "You must only find the right word. The Divine Spark is infinite, the path to find it is not. The beginning of the path is the word. By Christopher Moore Spark Divine Joshua Word Find

He was continually surprised at the speed and accuracy of her creepiness. She was like some creepiness child prodigy By Christopher Moore Creepiness Continually Surprised Speed Accuracy

Advice, then, young yeoman: When referring to the king's middle daughter, state that she is fair, speculate that she is pious, but unless you'd like to spend your watch looking for the box where your head is kept, resist the urge to wax ignorant on her naughty bits." -PocketI don't know what that means, sir." -YeomanSpeak not of Regan's shaggacity, son" [ ... ] -Pocket By Christopher Moore Advice Young Yeoman Daughter State

It's sarcasm, Josh.""Sarcasm?""It's from the Greek, sarkasmos. To bite the lips. It means that you aren't really saying what you mean, but people will get your point. I invented it, Bartholomew named it.""Well, if the village idiot named it, I'm sure it's a good thing.""There you go, you got it.""Got what?""Sarcasm.""No, I meant it.""Sure you did.""Is that sarcasm?""Irony, I think.""What's the difference?""I haven't the slightest idea.""So you're being ironic now, right?""No, I really don't know.""Maybe you should ask the idiot.""Now you've got it.""What?""Sarcasm. By Christopher Moore Sarcasm Josh Greek Sarkasmos Sarcasm

but even with the gift of tongues, I'm having trouble learning to speak hip-hop. Why is it that one can busta rhyme or busta move anywhere but you must busta cap in someone's ass? Is "ho" always feminine, and "muthafucka" always masculine, while "bitch" can be either? How many peeps in a posse, how much booty before baby got back, do you have to be all that to get all up in that, and do I need to be dope and phat to be da bomb or can I just be "stupid"? I'll not be singing over any dead mothers until I understand. The By Christopher Moore Busta Tongues Hiphop Gift Trouble

I've tried to get the angel to watch MTV so I can learn the vocabulary of your music, but even with the gift of tongues, I'm having trouble learning to speak hip-hop. Why is it that one can busta rhyme or busta move anywhere but you must busta cap in someone's ass? Is "ho" always feminine, and "muthafucka" always masculine, while "bitch" can be either? How many peeps in a posse, how much booty before baby got back, do you have to be all that to get all up in that, and do I need to be dope and phat to be da bomb or can I just be "stupid"? I'll not be singing over any dead mothers until I understand. By Christopher Moore Mtv Busta Music Tongues Hiphop

Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe. By Christopher Moore Ribbon Christmas Pine Cove Thing

And that continued for quite a while until the adventurer admitted that it IS an accepted fact among monsters and giants of all stripes that Englishmen are delicious. By Christopher Moore Englishmen Delicious Continued Adventurer Admitted

Normally if I met a guy who was unemployed and illiterate who hadn't bathed in a couple of weeks, I'd be standing in a puddle with excitement, but I'm sort of in a bad mood tonight, so take this bag and give me the fu**ing paper before I pop your head like a zit.He said, you're a lesbian, aren't you? By Christopher Moore Weeks Excitement Tonight Ing Lesbian

If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them. By Christopher Moore Sane

How do you know, when you think blue - when you say blue - that you are talking about the same blue as anyone else?You cannot get a grip on blue.Blue is the sky, the sea, a god's eye, a devil's tail, a birth, a strangulation, a virgin's cloak, a monkey's ass. It's a butterfly, a bird, a spicy joke, the saddest song, the brightest day.Blue is sly, slick, it slides into the room sideways, a slippery trickster.This is a story about the color blue, and like blue, there's nothing true about it. Blue is beauty, not truth. 'True blue' is a ruse, a rhyme; it's there, then it's not. Blue is a deeply sneaky color. By Christopher Moore Blue True Sky Sea Eye

What love is not torment when a man knows not how to love himself? Talk not of drowning, but attaining your heart's desire by action: Put money in thy purse. By Christopher Moore Love Torment Man Put Talk

She knew it should bother her more, being evil and all, but after she put on a little mascara and some lipstick and poured herself another cup of blood-laced coffee, she found that she was okay with it. By Christopher Moore Coffee Knew Bother Evil Put

Success in America doesn't require any special talent or any kind of extra effort. You just have to be consistent and not fuck up. That's how most people fail. They can't stand the pressure of getting what they want, so when they see that they are getting close they engineer some sort of fuckup to undermine their success. By Christopher Moore America Effort Require Special Talent

The Holy Mother has many faces, but you know it's her from her blue cloak. She is said to be the spirit in all women." "Look, here she is naked and the baby Jesus has wings, " said Lucien."That is not the Holy Mother, that's Venus and that's not Jesus, that is Cupid, the Roman god of love.""Wouldn't she have the spirit of the Holy Mother as well?""No, she is a pagan myth.""What about Maman? Is the spirit of the Holy Mother in her?""No, Lucien, your mother is also a pagan myth. Come, look at these paintings of wrestlers. By Christopher Moore Holy Mother Spirit Jesus Faces

Winter denial: therein lay the key to California Schadenfreudethe secret joy that the rest of the country feels at the misfortune of California. The country said: "Look at them, with their fitness and their tans, their beaches and their movie stars, their Silicon Valley and silicone breasts, their orange bridge and their palm trees. God, I hate those smug, sunshiny bastards!" Because if you're up to your navel in a snowdrift in Ohio, nothing warms your heart like the sight of California on fire. If you're shoveling silt out of your basement in the Fargo flood zone, nothing brightens your day like watching a Malibu mansion tumbling down a cliff into the sea. And if a tornado just peppered the land around your Oklahoma town with random trailer trash and redneck nuggets, then you can find a quantum of solace in the fact that the earth actually opened up in the San Fernando Valley and swallowed a whole caravan of commuting SUVs. By Christopher Moore California Schadenfreudethe Country Winter Denial

A woman's magazine quiz:Question: You decide to do the dread deed and just as things are starting to get hot he comes, rolls over, and asks, "Was it good for you?"You:a. Say, "God, yes! That was the best seventeen seconds of my life"b. Say, "Sure, as good as it gets for me with a man."c. Put a Certs in your navel and say, "That's for you, Mr. Bunnyman. You can have it on your way back up, after the job is finished By Christopher Moore Question Quiz Rolls God Woman

You know, there's a 12 step program for gambling. You should look into that.Twelve steps. Coyote laughed. I'll bet I can do it in six. By Christopher Moore Gambling Program Step Steps Coyote

Back in the buffalo days, the Cheyenne prophet Sweet Medicine had seen a vision of men with hair on their faces who would come bringing a white sand that was poison to Indians. The prophecy had come true, the white sand was sugar, and Adeline blamed the white man for poisoning her right up to two hundred pounds. By Christopher Moore Indians White Cheyenne Sweet Medicine

Kayso, it turns out that driving an actual car is way harder than it is in 'Grand Theft Auto: Zombie Hooker Smackdown. By Christopher Moore Kayso Grand Auto Zombie Smackdown

Son, I'ma tell you something ain't nobody else in the world can tell you: you got no soul. And I'ma tell your future, too: you ain't never gonna get a soul, you keep makin' people's shit small." Evan's eyes started to roll back in his head and the big man shook him like dust mop until he came back to the room. "You ain't shit, Evan, and you ain't never gonna be shit until you show some passion for something. Y'all got to love something. Y'all got to hate something. Y'all got to want something. Pissing on other people's passion 'cause you trying to be cool just make you a coward - a little bitch. By Christopher Moore Ima Soul Yall Son Shit

The Winter Woman is as wild as a blizzard, as fresh as new snow. While some see her as cold, she has a fiery heart under that ice-queen exterior. She likes the stark simplicity of Japanese art and the daring complexity of Russian literature. She prefers sharp to flowing lines, brooding to pouting, and rock and roll to country and western. Her drink is vodka, her car is German, her analgesic is Advil. The Winter Woman likes her men weak and her coffee strong. She is prone to anemia, hysteria, and suicide. By Christopher Moore Winter Blizzard Snow Woman Wild

Why do you call this dog Mohammed?" asked the bearded man. "Because that's his name." "You should not have called this dog Mohammed." "I didn't call the dog Mohammed," Charlie said. "His name was Mohammed when I got him. It was on his collar." "It is blasphemy to call a dog Mohammed." "I tried calling him something else, but he doesn't listen. Watch. Steve, bite this man's leg? See, nothing. Spot, bite off this man's leg. Nothing. I might as well be speaking Farsi. You see where I'm going with this?" "Well, I have named my dog Jesus. How do you feel about that?" "Well, then I'm sorry, I didn't realize you'd lost your dog." "I have not lost my dog." "Really? I saw these flyers all over town with 'Have You Found Jesus?' on them. It must be another dog named Jesus. Was there a reward? A reward helps, you know." Charlie By Christopher Moore Mohammed Dog Jesus Call Man

He preferred to not think of his mother as having hips. He preferred to not think of her as a woman at all, more as a traveling mass of loving annoyance - a mother-shaped storm that inhabited the bakery and, in bringing rain for the growth of the living things over which she hovered, didn't mind scaring the piss out of them with a few thunderbolts from time to time. By Christopher Moore Preferred Hips Mother Time Annoyance

Lily liked the fog, and didn't even mind the cold wind. She reckoned that Ocean Beach, the dunes there, and the Sunset were the closest San Francisco was going to come to the foreboding, wind-swept moors of England, where she had aspired to suffer romance and heartache when she was a kid. The foghorn, however, rather than a lonesome lament that conjured images of Heathcliff's dark figure, waiting with clenched jaw on the moor for her to bring light and warmth into his life, sounded like a distressed moose tied up in her neighbor's garage, having his nut sack singed with jumper cables at a precise interval calculated to keep her from falling asleep. Which, in turn, made her think of what complete douche bags people could be when all you wanted to do was borrow a defibrillator. Then she was awake and angry. By Christopher Moore Lily Fog Wind Mind Cold

Jody screamed at him: a high, explosive, unintelligible expulsion of pure inhuman frustrationa Hendrix high note sampled and sung by a billion suffering souls in Hell's own choir. By Christopher Moore Explosive Hendrix Hell Jody Unintelligible

You first, Tommy said. They stood in the great room of their loft on either side of the futon, where the huge cat, a crossbreed between a Persian, a dust mop, and possibly a water buffalo, was actively shedding. By Christopher Moore Tommy Persian Futon Cat Mop

Charlie had Sophie strapped to his chest like a terrorist baby bomb when he came down the back steps. She had just gotten to the point where she could hold up her head, so he had strapped her in face-out so she could look around. The way her arms and legs waved around as Charlie walked, she looked as if she was skydiving and using a skinny nerd as a parachute. By Christopher Moore Sophie Steps Charlie Strapped Chest

And I'll have you know that if you hurt my son again, if he so much as sighs sadly over his coffee, I will hire a man, a Russian, probably, to hunt you down and rip all that shiny black hair from your head, then break your skinny arms and legs, and set you on fire, and then put you out with a hammer. And should there be children from your beastly rutting, I shall have the Russian man cut them to tiny pieces and feed them to Madame Jacob's dog. because, although he may be only a worthless, simpleminded, libertine artist, Lucien is my favorite, and I will not have him hurt. Do you understand? By Christopher Moore Russian Man Coffee Head Legs

There is no such thing as a conservative hero. By Christopher Moore Hero Thing Conservative

I grew up under Roman rule, although I didn't see many Romans until I was ten. The Romans mostly stayed in the fortress city of Sepphoris, an hour's walk north of Nazareth. That's when Joshua and I saw a Roman soldier murdered, but I'm getting ahead of myself. For now, assume that the soldier is safe and sound and happy wearing a broom on his head. By Christopher Moore Roman Romans Rule Ten Grew

The night was crisp and the stars shone with a cold blue light like loneliness or infinity. By Christopher Moore Night Crisp Stars Shone Cold

Why is it that one can busta rhyme or busta move anywhere but you must busta cap in someone's ass? Is "ho" always feminine and "muthafucka" always masculine, while "bitch" can be either? How many peeps in a posse, how much booty before baby got back, do you have to be all that to get all up in that, and do I need to be dope and phat to be da bomb or can I just be "stupid"? By Christopher Moore Busta Ass Rhyme Move Cap

The funeral was held at St. Mary's Catherdral of San Francisco, which has the distinction of being the only church in the world designed after a washing-machine agitator. By Christopher Moore Francisco Mary Catherdral San Agitator

Jody noticed that the kid was focused on the breasts, which were defying gravity, and apparently death itself, by standing there at complete attention By Christopher Moore Jody Breasts Gravity Attention Noticed

She doesn't understand that a writer is a special creaturethat I'm different from everyone else. I'm not saying I'm superior to other people, just more sensitive, I guess. By Christopher Moore Understand Writer Special Creaturethat People

You whoreson scalawag!" said I. "You flesh-turd dropped stinking from the poxy arsehole of a hare-lipped harlot! By Christopher Moore Scalawag Whoreson Harlot Fleshturd Dropped

He slowed to a walk. As he approached her he was surprised at just how pretty she was. She looked a little like Maureen O'Hara in those old pirate movies. His writer's mind kicked in and he thought, This woman could break my heart. I could crash and burn on this woman. I could lose this woman, drink heavily, write profound poems, and die in the gutter of turberculosis over this woman.This was not an unusual reaction for Tommy. He had it often, mostly with girls who worked the drive-through windows at fast-food places. He would drive off with the smell of fries in his car and the bitter taste of unrequited love on his tongue. It was usually good for at least one short story. By Christopher Moore Walk Woman Slowed Maureen Tommy

If you have come to these pages for laughter, may you find it.If you are here to be offended, may your ire rise and your blood boil.If you seek an adventure, may this song sing you away to blissful escape.If you need to test or confirm your beliefs, may you reach comfortable conclusions. All books reveal perfection, by what they are or what they are not.May you find that which you seek, in these pages or outside them.May you find perfection, and know it by name. By Christopher Moore Find Pages Seek Laughter Offended

He'll tell me useless angel stories - of how Gabriel disappeared once for sixty years and they found him on earth hiding in the body of a man named Miles Davis, or how Raphael snuck out of heaven to visit Satan and returned with something called a cell phone. (Evidently everyone has them in hell now.) He watches the television and when they show an earthquake or a tornado he'll say, I destroyed a city with one of those once. Mine was better. By Christopher Moore Davis Gabriel Miles Raphael Satan

I could stand on my head and flick the bean right there at the dinner table and my mom would be all, "Honey, Christmas is family time, we should be together" and make me finish in front of everyone. By Christopher Moore Honey Christmas Time Stand Head

Finally, this story was set in a dire time, a deadly serious time, and the world of the first-century Jew under the rule of the Romans would not have been one that easily inspired mirth. It's more than a small anachronism that I portray Joshua having and making fun, yet somehow, I like to think that while he carried out his sacred mission, Jesus of Nazareth might have enjoyed a sense of irony and the company of a wisecracking buddy. This story is not and never was meant to challenge anyone's faith; however, if one's faith can be shaken by stories in a humorous novel, one may have a bit more praying to do. My thanks to the many people who helped in the By Christopher Moore Time Jew Romans Finally Mirth

Sorry. Accident. Couldn't be helped. By Christopher Moore Accident Helped

Abby Von Normal - And I'm like, Don't change the subject, Kung Pao, what I want to know is if you're ready to spend some up-close and personal time with ninety pounds of barbarian woman-flesh! Sorry, I don't know how much that is in kilos. By Christopher Moore Normal Kung Pao Von Abby

She looked at him - those wide blue eyes - with sort of an odd, glazed look. Not with the adoration or wonder that you might expect, more like she'd been drinking and would be leaving as soon as she found her car keys. By Christopher Moore Eyes Odd Glazed Looked Wide

Molly stood over the stove, naked, except for a wide sash from which was slung the scabbard for her broadsword at the center of her back, giving the impression that she had won honors in the Miss Nude Random Violence Pageant. Her By Christopher Moore Pageant Naked Miss Nude Random

And I'm all, "Do you want to get coffee? I have a bag of blood and ten thousand dollars in my messenger." The nosferatu can totally drink lattes as long as they put some blood in it, unless they're lactose intolerant. And he stops and looks at me. He's like, "Really, ten thousand? Think that will be enough?" And I'm like, "Well, you'll have to drink the cheap stuff, but I like to drink my lattes directly out of the veins of a toddler, and those little fuckers aren't cheap. By Christopher Moore Coffee Drink Blood Ten Thousand

Love: the sickest of Irony's sick jokes. The place where logic and order go to die. By Christopher Moore Love Irony Jokes Sickest Sick

Winter near the shore is cold. The wind kicks up a salty mist and elephant seals come to shore to trumpet and rut and birth their pups. Retired people put sweaters on their lap dogs and drag them down the street on retractable leashes in a nightly parade of doggy humiliation. Surfers don their wetsuits against the chill of storm waves and white sharks adjust their diets to include shrink-wrapped dude-snacks on fiberglass crackers. By Christopher Moore Winter Cold Shore Pups Wind

Oh, Bassanio is so handsome." "As is his friend." "Do you fancy him?" "Do you jest? I was lucky not to be sliding on the slippery floor next to you." "That is not why I slipped. By Christopher Moore Bassanio Handsome Friend Jest Slipped

Wait, what? Ain't no thing. I'ma choke you out ironically, Evan, so you be too cool for school. Cool as a motherfuckin' corpse, Evan." He let a little air through. "I love something! I do love something." "You do?" "My cat, Cisco.""Cisco? After the outlaw?" "After the networking company." "Yeah, I'm sho-nuff gonna choke this motherfucker out! By Christopher Moore Evan Wait Cool Cisco Cisco

He had broken one of the cardinal rules - Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself - and he'd been loving life ever since. They By Christopher Moore Rules Broken Cardinal Bed Crazier

My children are monsters, Kiro thought. And I am responsible. Perhaps if I had read them the haikus of Basho when they were little instead of that American manifesto of high-pressure sales, Green Eggs and Ham ... By Christopher Moore Kiro Monsters Thought Children Green

We've been rehearsing a classic from antiquity, Green Eggs and Hamlet, the story of a young prince of Denmark who goes mad, drowns his girlfriend, and in his remorse, forces spoiled breakfast on all whom he meets. By Christopher Moore Green Hamlet Eggs Denmark Antiquity

Green eggs, or not green eggs? That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to eat them in a box, with a fox - By Christopher Moore Eggs Green Question Tis Box

The dull always seek to be clever at the fool's expense, to somehow repay him for his cutting wit, but never are they clever, and often they are cruel. By Christopher Moore Expense Wit Cruel Clever Dull

For me, 'Lamb' started out as a further exploration of the phenomenon of faith and the responsibility of a messiah that I touched on in 'Coyote Blue' and 'Island of the Sequined Love Nun,' but it ended up being an exploration of the true meaning of sacrifice, loyalty, and friendship. By Christopher Moore Lamb Exploration Coyote Blue Island

As a teacher of fourth-graders in a public school, where corporal punishement was not allowed, she had years of violence stored up and was, truth be told, sort of enjoying letting it out on Kona, who she felt could have been the poster child for the failure of public education. By Christopher Moore Kona Public School Allowed Truth

Torah! Torah! Torah!"- THE WAR CRY OF THE KAMIKAZE RABBIS. By Christopher Moore Torah Rabbis War Cry Kamikaze

When you're telling stories, you are actually trying to illuminate some portion of the truth in an artful way. The story may immediately seem to be a lie, but it's like an impressionistic painting - you see the light and the color better than you would with a photo-realistic piece. By Christopher Moore Stories Telling Illuminate Portion Truth

As an author, you spend a lot of time by yourself in a room making clicky noises. It gets pretty insulated. You realize pretty early on in your career that even if this goes well, you could spend all your life in a room alone. Unless you pick projects that are going to get you out doing things, you're not going to actually live your life. By Christopher Moore Author Noises Room Lot Time

In fact, amid all the musical laments over not having a heart, a brain, or the nerve, did anyone notice that they didn't have a penis among them? I think it would have shown on the Lion and the Tin Man, and when the Scarecrow has his pants destuffed, you don't see a flying monkey waving an errant straw Johnson around anywhere, doI think I know what song I'd be singing: Oh, I would while away the hours, Wanking in the flowers, my heart all full of song, I'd be gilding all the lilies as I waved about my willie If I only had a schlong. By Christopher Moore Heart Fact Amid Brain Nerve

Venice took on the feeling of a city paved with black glass, the odd lantern, torch, or candle reflecting in the canals like distant windows into hell, the crescent moon throwing silver scythes across the water where it could find its way between buildings. By Christopher Moore Torch Venice Glass Lantern Hell

Ooo ahe-e, I aya oa a, she said in yawnspeak, a language - not unlike Hawaiian - known for its paucity of consonants. By Christopher Moore Hawaiian Ooo Ahee Yawnspeak Language

They were both lean and blond and weather-beaten, and one evening, as they were portaging gear from their respective Zodiacs, Libby unzipped her survival suit and tied the sleeves around her waist so she could move more freely. Nate said, "You look good in that."No one, absolutely no one, looks good in a survival suit (unless a Day-Glo orange marshmallow man is your idea of a hot date), but Libby didn't even make the effort to roll her eyes. "I have vodka and a shower in my cabin," she said."I have a shower in my cabin, too," Nate said.Libby just shook her head and trudged up the path to the lodge. Over her shoulder she called, "In five minutes, there's going to be a naked woman in my shower. You got one of those?""Oh," said Nate. By Christopher Moore Zodiacs Libby Nate Survival Suit

Everyone thinks that it was the big strong caveman who got the girl, and for the most part, that may have been true, but physical strength doesn't explain how our species created civilization. I think there was always some scrawny dreamer sitting at the edge of the firelight, who had the ability to imagine dangers, to look into the future in his imagination and see possibilities, and therefore survived to pass his genes on to the next generation. When the big ape men ended up running off the cliff or getting killed while trying to beat a mastodon into submission with a stick, the dreamer was standing back thinking 'Hey, that might work, but you need to run the mastodon off the cliff.' And, then he'd mate with the women left over after the go-getters got killed. By Christopher Moore Big Girl Part True Civilization

The three jewels of Tao: compassion, moderation, and humility. Balthasar said compassion leads to courage, moderation leads to generosity, and humility leads to leadership. By Christopher Moore Tao Moderation Humility Leads Compassion

Okay, the kingdom is like a monkey." Joshua was hoarse and his voice was breaking. "How?" "A Jewish monkey, right?" "Is it like a monkey eating a mustard seed?" I stood up and went to Joshua and put my arm around his shoulder. "Josh, take a break." I led him down the beach toward the village. He shook his head. "Those are the dumbest sons of bitches on earth." "They've become like little children, as you told them to." "Stupid little children," Joshua said. By Christopher Moore Joshua Monkey Kingdom Children Josh

I've got to think that that was unethical," Joshua said."Josh, faking demonic possession is like a mustard seed.""How is it like a mustard seed?""You don't know, do you? Doesn't seem at all like a mustard seed, does it? Now you see how we all feel when you liken things unto a mustard seed? Huh? By Christopher Moore Josh Seed Joshua Mustard Unethical

All of the trickster, rascal characters that I write have the voice I aspire to. In real life, you can't be that obnoxious and get away with it. By Christopher Moore Trickster Rascal Characters Write Voice

A man attacked me, choked me, bit my neck, burned my hand, then stuffed my shirt full of money and put a dumpster on me and now I can see heat and hear fog. I've won Satan's lottery. By Christopher Moore Choked Bit Neck Burned Hand

LOST 2 Irish Hellhounds. Very black, like bear. Huge, like bear. Answer to Alvin and Mohammed. Like to eat everything. Like bear! REWARD! By Christopher Moore Lost Irish Hellhounds Bear Reward

For it is written that if the wise man appears always stupid, his failures do not disappoint, and his success gives pleasant surprise. By Christopher Moore Stupid Disappoint Surprise Written Wise

They are between. Not what they used to be, and not what they have become. In those times, they are nothing. And I am invisible, and I am nothing too. That is the true demimonde, Lucien, and the secret is, it is not always desperate and dark. Sometimes it is just nothing. No burden of potential or regret. There are worse things than being nothing, my friend. By Christopher Moore Lucien Times Invisible Demimonde Dark

What do you bring to this enterprise to justify a third of the profits?" "Will," said Iago. By Christopher Moore Profits Iago Bring Enterprise Justify

Oh, not tonight, good Iago," said Cassio. "I have poor and unhappy brains for drinking. I wish courtesy would invent some other custom of entertainment. By Christopher Moore Iago Cassio Tonight Good Drinking

Only by being prepared for your death can you ever truly live. By Christopher Moore Live Prepared Death

Hope is bulletproof, truth just hard to hit By Christopher Moore Hope Bulletproof Truth Hit Hard

How would I feel if I woke up and she told me that we had done it while I slept? I'd be fine with it. A little sad that I missed things, but I wouldn't be mad. I'd just ask her if I had a good time. Women are different, though. By Christopher Moore Slept Feel Woke Told Fine

The Greeks believe the Fates are three sisters: one is Order, who spins out the linear thread of a life from the beginning; another is Irony, who gently cocks up the thread, marking it with some peculiar sense of balance, like justice, only blind drunk with a scale that's been bunged into the street so it never quite settles; and the third, Inevitability, simply sits in the corner taking notes and criticizing the other two for being shameless slags until she cuts life's thread, leaving everyone miffed at the timing. By Christopher Moore Thread Inevitability Life Order Irony

He met his day in the shower, washing his hair with shampoo that was guaranteed to have never been put in a bunny's eyes and from which ten percent of the profits went to save the whales. He lathered his face with shaving cream free of chlorofluorocarbons, thereby saving the ozone layer. He breakfasted on fertile eggs laid by sexually satisfied chickens that were allowed to range while listening to Brahms, and muffins made with pesticide-free grain, so no eagle-egg shells were weakened by his thoughtless consumption. He scrambled the eggs in margarine free of tropical oils, thus preserving the rain forest, and he added milk from a cartn made of recycled paper and shipped from a small family farm. By the time he finished his second cup of coffee, which would presumably help to educate the children of a poor peasant farmer named Juan Valdez, Sam was on the verge of congratulating himself for single-handedly preserving the planet just by getting up in the morning. By Christopher Moore Shower Washing Whales Met Day

Crimson, made from the blood of Romanian virgins.""Really?" said Henri. his head was spinning and he had to lean on his cane to steady himself."No, not really. But it is Romanian. Made from beetles handpicked from the roots of weeds near Bucharest. but they are ugly beetles. They might be virgins. I wouldn't fuck them. You want some? By Christopher Moore Henri Crimson Romanian Made Virgins

Soon a whole guild of low-priced shrine keepers around Europe named their own pope - Boldface the Relatively Shameless, Discount Pope of Prague. The price war was on [ ... ] The Retail Pope would offer cheesy bacon toppings on the Host with communion and the Discount Pope would counter with topless nun night for midnight mass. By Christopher Moore Pope Boldface Shameless Prague Discount

It turns out that one can perpetrate all manner of heinous villainy under a cloak of courtesy and good cheer ... a man will forfeit all sensible self-interest if he finds you affable enough to share your company over a flagon of ale. By Christopher Moore Cheer Turns Perpetrate Manner Heinous

You should never pass up an opportunity to be kind. You should never not thank someone. You should never not say something nice when you think it. By Christopher Moore Kind Pass Opportunity Nice

I would not have Drool reading Cicero or crafting clever riddles, but under my tutelage he had become more than fair at tumbling and juggling, could belch a song, and was, at court, at least as entertaining as a trained bear, with slightly less proclivity for eating the guests. With guidance, he would make a proper fool. By Christopher Moore Drool Cicero Riddles Juggling Song

In another Christmas story, Dale Pearson, evil developer, self-absorbed woman hater, and seemingly unredeemable curmudgeon, might be visited in the night by a series of ghosts who, by showing him bleak visions of Christmas future, past, and present, would bring about in him a change to generosity, kindness, and a general warmth toward his fellow man. But this is not that kind of Christmas story, so here, in not too many pages, someone is going to dispatch the miserable son of a bitch with a shovel. That's the spirit of Christmas yet to come in these parts. Ho, ho, ho. By Christopher Moore Christmas Dale Pearson Story Past

Love needs room to grow. Like a rose. Or a tumor. By Christopher Moore Love Grow Room Rose Tumor

I know that even now, having watched enough television, you probably won't even refer to them as lepers so as to spare their feelings. You probably call them 'parts-dropping-off challenged' or something. By Christopher Moore Television Feelings Challenged Watched Refer

When your best friend is the son of God, you get tired of losing every argument. By Christopher Moore God Argument Friend Son Tired

Little-boy love ... the cleanest pain I've ever known. Love without desire, conditions, or limits - a pure and radiant glow in the heart that could make me giddy and sad and glorious all at once. Where does it go? Why, in all their experiments, did the Magi never try to capture that purity in a bottle? Perhaps they couldn't. By Christopher Moore Littleboy Love Conditions Magi Desire

She had a lot of nerve signing her note "Love." [ ... ] But she did sign it that way: "Love." What did that mean? Did she mean it, or was it habit? She probably signed all of her letters with "Love." Dear Insured, We are sorry but your policy will not pay for your barium enema as it was done for recreational purposes. Love, Jody. Claims Dept ... Maybe not. By Christopher Moore Love Note Lot Nerve Signing

It's kinda hard to get yourself into a good three-toweler when you got the dick of death. By Christopher Moore Death Kinda Hard Good Threetoweler

Inspector, there's no smoking allowed in here," said a uniformed officer who had been called to the scene.Cavuto waved to the drawers [at the morgue]. "Do you think they mind?"The officer shook his head. "No, sir."Cavuto blew a stream of smoke at Gilbert [a dead guy]. "And him, do you think he minds?"No, sir."And you, Patrolman Jeeter, you don't mind, do you?"Jeeter cleared his throat. "Uh ... no, sir."Well, good," Cavuto said. "Look, on the side of the car, Jeeter. It says 'Protect and Serve' not 'Piss and Moan.'"Yes, sir. By Christopher Moore Sir Inspector Jeeter Cavuto Officer

It was as if vampirism carried with it a crampless case of rattlesnake PMS. By Christopher Moore Pms Vampirism Carried Crampless Case

[in reference to turkey bowling] He [Tommy] squinted and picked his target, then took his steps and sent the bird sliding down the aisle. A collective gasp rose from the crew as the fourteen-pound, self-basting, fresh-frozen projectile of wholesome savory goodness plowed into the soap bottles like a freight train into a chorus line of drunken grandmothers. By Christopher Moore Tommy Bowling Squinted Target Aisle

Then, after he'd watched her walk out, a wave of melancholy swept over him and for the thirtieth time that day he regretted that he hadn't just become a pharmacist, or a charter captain, or something that made you feel more alive, like a pirate. By Christopher Moore Pharmacist Captain Alive Pirate Watched

Nate had been born and raised in British Columbia, and Canadians hate, above all things, to offend. It was part of the national consciousness. "Be polite" was an unwritten, unspoken rule, but ingrained into the psyche of an entire country. (Of course, as with any rule, there were exceptions: parts of Quebec, where people maintained the "dismissive to the point of confrontation, with subsequent surrender" mind-set of the French; and hockey, in which any Canadian may, with impunity, slam, pummel, elbow, smack, punch, body-check, and beat the shit out of, with sticks, any other human being, punctuated by profanities, name-calling, questioning parentage, and accusations of bestiality, usually-coincidentally- in French.) By Christopher Moore Columbia British Nate Hate Things

Which is why you chose to wear that delightful ensemble from the skank-wear collection at Hoes-n-Thangs? -Tommy By Christopher Moore Tommy Chose Wear Delightful Ensemble

Diogenes carried a bowl with him for years, but one day saw a man drinking from his cupped palm and declared, 'I have been a fool, burdened all these years by the weight of a bowl when a perfectly good vessel lay at the end of my wrist. By Christopher Moore Bowl Years Diogenes Declared Fool

I'm beginning to wonder," said Kent, sitting down now on an overturned wooden tub. "Who do I serve? Why am I here?"You are here, because, in the expanding ethical ambiguity of our situation, you are steadfast in your righteousness. It is to you, our banished friend, that we all turn - a light amid the dark dealings of family and politics. You are the moral backbone on which the rest of us hang our bloody bits. Without you we are merely wiggly masses of desire writhing in our own devious bile."Really?" asked the old knight.Aye," said I.I'm not sure I want to keep company with you lot, then. By Christopher Moore Kent Sitting Tub Beginning Overturned

She's evil. Evil, evil, evil. I want to see her naked. By Christopher Moore Evil Naked

In order to hold off the Forces of Darkness, you will need a number two pencil and a calendar, preferably one without pictures of kitties on it. By Christopher Moore Darkness Forces Calendar Preferably Order

Although he would not remember it, when Lucien was born, the first thing he saw as he peeked over the edge of the world was Madame Lessard's bunghole. Well that can't be right, he thought. And he thought he might cry for the shock. Then the midwife flipped him over and the second thing he saw was the blue sky through the skylight. He thought, Oh, that's better. So he cried for the beauty and was at a total loss for words for almost a year. He wouldn't remember the moment, but the feeling would come back to him from time to time, when he encountered blue. By Christopher Moore Lucien Madame Lessard Thought Born

I may be small, but Im not a child to be afraid of a pretended demon speaking in tongues. Im a lapsed Christian and a pagan of convenience. The worst I can do on my conscience is cut your throat and ask the forest to count it as a sacrifice come the Yule, so cease your nonsense and tell me how you know my name. By Christopher Moore Small Tongues Child Afraid Pretended

I like big butts, Renoir explained to Toulouse-Lautrec. By Christopher Moore Renoir Butts Toulouselautrec Big Explained

We can build cities for the Romans." "Actually, I was thinking about saving mankind." "Forget that nonsense, Josh. Rocks, I tell you. By Christopher Moore Romans Josh Build Cities Forget

The two had been together since they were little girls, and so loved and hated each other like sisters. By Christopher Moore Girls Sisters Loved Hated

Yeah, and don't think it's easy finding Ray-Bans in a fruit-bat medium. By Christopher Moore Yeah Medium Easy Finding Raybans

The bat was looking at Theo and Theo was having trouble following his own thoughts.The bat was wearing tiny sunglasses.Ray Bans,Theo could see by the trademark in the corner of one lens."I'm sorry, Mr.,uh- Case, could you take the bat off your head.It's very distracting."Him."Pardon?"It's a him.Roberto.He no like the light. By Christopher Moore Bat Theo Case Him Pardon

Mr. Fresh looked up. "The book says if we don't do our jobs everything could go dark, become like the Underworld. I don't know what the Underworld is like, Mr. Asher, but I've caught some of the road show from there a couple of times, and I'm not interested in finding out. How 'bout you?""Maybe it's Oakland," Charlie said."What's Oakland?""The Underworld.""Oakland is not the Underworld!""The Tenderloin?" Charlie suggested. By Christopher Moore Underworld Fresh Oakland Charlie Looked

[Abby to Tommy and Jody who are hugging]So I'm like, "Cold-faced killers on the clock, bitches, we don't have time for your bonery right now."The Chronicles of Abby Normal By Christopher Moore Bitches Coldfaced Normal Abby Tommy

(He reasoned: A well-formed bottom hanging in space is just a well-formed bottom, but you hook up a well-formed bottom to a whip-smart woman and apply a dash of the awkward and what you've got yourself is ... well, trouble.) By Christopher Moore Wellformed Bottom Trouble Reasoned Hanging

It was sometimes difficult to reconcile a man's talents with his personality. By Christopher Moore Personality Difficult Reconcile Man Talents

Is "ho" always feminine, and "muthafucka" always masculine, while "bitch" can be either? How By Christopher Moore Muthafucka Bitch Feminine Masculine

Thou wretched pillar of syphilitic pheasant-fuck! By Christopher Moore Thou Pheasantfuck Wretched Pillar Syphilitic

Yeah, that's right, Lash. Because I'm Chinese I have a deep-seated need to nosh house pets. Now why don't you let him in before my inner Chinaman forces me to kung-fu your bitch ass. By Christopher Moore Lash Yeah Chinese Pets Chinaman

[in regards to the "Asian guy"] He was so cute - in that Final Fantasy Thirty-Seven way. What I'm saying is, the Sex Fu is strong with this one.The Chronicles of Abby Normal By Christopher Moore Asian Final Fantasy Guy Cute

It was a machine-gun orgasm, dark chocolate, spring water in the desert, a hallelujah chorus and the cavelry coming to the rescue all at once. By Christopher Moore Orgasm Dark Chocolate Spring Desert

You're right, I have taught you nothing. I could teach you nothing. Everything that you needed was already there. You simply needed the word for it. Some need Kali and Shiva to destroy the world so they may see past the illusion to divinity in them, others need Krishna to drive them to the place where they may perceive what is eternal in them. Others may perceive the Divine Spark in themselves only by realizing through enlightenment that the spark resides in all things, and in that they find kinship. But because the Divine Spark resides in all, does not mean that all will discover it. Your dharma is not to learn, Joshua, but to teach By Christopher Moore Spark Divine Taught Resides Needed

Tucker Case did not play golf. He'd tried it once, and although he'd enjoyed the drinking and driving the little electric car into the lake, he just didn't get the appeal. It seemed - and he'd examined the game closely because his father had loved it - an awful lot like a bunch of rich white guys in goofy clothing walking around on an absurdly large lawn hitting absurdly small white balls with crooked sticks. By Christopher Moore Case Tucker Golf Play White

We can't go home," Joshua said at last. "I don't know enough yet." "No," said Gaspar, "I suspect that you don't. But you know all that you will learn here. If you come to a river and find a boat at the edge, you will use that boat to cross and it will serve you well, but once across the river, do you put the boat on your shoulders and carry it with you on the rest of your journey?" "How big is the boat?" I asked. "What color is the boat?" asked Joshua. "How far is the rest of the journey?" I queried. "Is Biff there to carry the oars, or do I have to carry everything?" asked Josh. "No!" screamed Gaspar. "No, you don't take the boat along on the journey. It has been useful but now it's simply a burden. It's a parable, you cretins! By Christopher Moore Boat Journey Joshua Gaspar Carry

So I'm all, "Owned! Bee-yatch! Dog fucking owned you!" Doing a minor booty dance of ownage, perhaps, in retrospect, a bit prematurely. (I believe hip-hop to be the apprpriate language for taunting, at least until I learn French.) By Christopher Moore Owned Beeyatch French Dog Ownage

Regardless of its purpose, the humpback-whale song is the most complex piece of nonhuman composition on earth. Whether it's art, prayer, or booty call, the humpback song is an amazing thing to experience firsthand, and I suspect that even once the science of it is put to bed, it will remain, as long as they sing, magic. By Christopher Moore Purpose Earth Song Humpbackwhale Complex

He smiled to himself. Through many centuries and many incarnations, he had learned one universal truth: bitches love them some cushions. By Christopher Moore Smiled Incarnations Truth Bitches Cushions

At the pet store he picked out two painted turtles, each about as big around as a mayonnaise-jar lid. He bought them a large kidney shaped dish that had its own little island, a plastic palm tree, some aquatic plants, and a snail. The snail, presumably, to bolster the self-esteem of the turtles: "You think we're slow? Look at that guy." To store up the snail's morale in the same way, there was a rock. By Christopher Moore Turtles Snail Lid Pet Picked

There's no scientific basis for zombieism except for some experiments in the Caribbean with blowfish toxins that put people in a state of near death with almost imperceptible respiration and pulse, but there was no actual, you know, raising of the dead. By Christopher Moore Caribbean Pulse Actual Raising Dead

Hope is merely another face of desire. And desire is a motherfucker. By Christopher Moore Hope Desire Face Motherfucker

He loved constantly, instantly, spontaneously, without thought or words. That's what he taught me. Love is not something you think about, it is a state in which you dwell. That was his gift. By Christopher Moore Instantly Spontaneously Constantly Words Loved

A wall is a defense of a country that values inaction. But a wall imprisons the people of a country as much as it protects them. That's why Balthasar had us go this way. He wanted me to see the error in the Tao. One can't be free without action. By Christopher Moore Wall Country Inaction Defense Tao

He tapped into the Zen of ignorance, the enlightenment of absurdity. By Christopher Moore Zen Ignorance Absurdity Tapped Enlightenment

Minty Fresh made a motion with his hands of leveling, as if he were smoothing an imaginary tablecloth of calm over a counter constructed of contemporary freak-out. By Christopher Moore Fresh Minty Leveling Freakout Made

We really have to get going," Sam said. "Can we leave the car here and pick it up later?"The monk said, "Does a dog have a Buddha nature?"Does a fish have a watertight asshole?" said Coyote. By Christopher Moore Sam Coyote Buddha Nature Asshole

Your soul may be more evolved than you are right now. If a kid fails tenth grade, do you make him repeat grades K through nine?" "No, I guess not." "No, you just make him start over at the beginning of tenth grade. Well, it's the same with souls. They only ascend. A person gets a soul when they can carry it to the next level, when they are ready to learn the next lesson. By Christopher Moore Evolved Tenth Make Grade Soul

Abby: I could be a slave to your darkest desires. I can do things. Anything you want.Tommy: Well, that's terrific, because we have a lot of laundry piled up and the apartment is a wreck. Abby: Anything you desire, my lord. I can do laundry, clean, bring you small creatures to quench your thirst until I am worthy. By Christopher Moore Abby Slave Darkest Laundry Desires

In fact, he sorely hoped that it would happen, because otherwise, the world made no sense, there was no justice, and life was just a tangled ball of chaos. By Christopher Moore Fact Happen Sense Justice Chaos

In Breeze's business one got used to running across the skeletons in people's closets. If Billy's skeleton wore women's underwear, it didn't really matter. Homosexuality on Billy Winston was like acne on a leper. By Christopher Moore Breeze Closets Billy Business Running

The gourney, the big file drawers of the dead, the instruments of dissection - this sure looked like the morgues in the movies. Something had gone seriously wrong while she slept. By Christopher Moore Gourney Dead Dissection Movies Big

And he was like "The sedative in the blood, blah, blah, four hours, blah, blah, nerdspeak, geektalk -" -Abby By Christopher Moore Blah Abby Nerdspeak Geektalk Blood

Confucius is like the Torah, rules to follow. And Lao-Tzu is even more conservative, saying that if you do nothing you won't break any rules. You have to let tradition fall sometime, you have to take action, you have to eat bacon. By Christopher Moore Torah Confucius Follow Rules Conservative

I don't know. I don't really have a plan. I don't even know if she's lucid. I've been on autopilot since I heard. I was waiting for you to get home so I could fall apart. By Christopher Moore Plan Lucid Heard Autopilot Waiting

She turned her head and there was such sadness, such kindness in her pity for me, that I knew at once how the bold Othello, pirate and soldier - that hard, scarred, killing thing - had lost his heart. By Christopher Moore Scarred Othello Sadness Pirate Soldier

Every time a supermodel divorces her rock-star husband, the Beta Male secretly rejoices (or more accurately, feels great waves of unjustified hope), and every time a beautiful movie star marries, the Beta Male experiences a sense of lost opportunity. The entire city of Las Vegas - plastic opulence, treasure for the taking, vulgar towers, and cocktail waitresses with improbable breasts - is built on the self-delusion of the Beta Male. By Christopher Moore Beta Male Time Husband Rejoices

The ocean there was bitterly cold, with an average visibility of eighteen inches, and a huge elephant seal rookery at the shore. Through the winter thousands of the rotund pinnipeds lay strewn across Pine Cove beaches like great barking turds, and although not dangerous in themselves, they were the dietary mainstay of the great white shark, which had evolved over 120 million years into the perfect excuse for never entering water over one's ankles. By Christopher Moore Cold Inches Shore Ocean Bitterly

I will not die for a long time." Joseph tugged at his gray beard. "My beard goes white, but there's a lot of life in me yet.""Don't be so sure, Abba," Joshua said.Joseph dropped the bowl he was working on and stared into his hands. "Run away and play, you two," he said, his voice little more than a whisper.Joshua stood and walked away. I wanted to throw my arms around the old man, for I had never seen a grown man afraid before and it frightened me too. "Can I help?" I said, pointing to the half-finished bowl that lay in Joseph's lap."You go with Joshua. He needs a friend to teach him to be human. Then I can teach him to be a man. By Christopher Moore Time Joshua Die Long Man

I think this is a bodhi tree," I said, "just like Buddha sat under! It's so exciting. I'm feeling sort of enlightened just standing here. Really, I can feel ripe bodhies squishing between my toes." Joshua looked at my feet. "I don't think those are bodhies. There was a cow here before us." I lifted my foot out of the mess. "Cows are overrated in this country. Under the Buddha's tree too. Is nothing sacred? By Christopher Moore Buddha Bodhi Sat Bodhies Tree

I'll not have an exchange with an impudent fool." [Oswald]He's not impudent," said Jones [the puppet]. "With proper inspiration, the lad sports a woody as stout as a mooring pin. Ask your lady."I nodded in agreement with the puppet, for he is most wise for having a brain of sawdust.Impudent! Impudent! Not impotent!" said Oswald, frothing a bit now. By Christopher Moore Oswald Impudent Fool Puppet Jones

When he was reading he could fly away into the wildest skies of imagination, untethered to the reality that his soul was trapped in a wretched creature cobbled together from meat and bone, like us all. By Christopher Moore Imagination Untethered Bone Reading Fly

Enchantment and seduction were fine means of persuasion, but when time is short, an awkward but quick concussion could better serve a girl's purpose. By Christopher Moore Enchantment Persuasion Short Purpose Seduction

Turtles hate heights. They don't even like being a few feet off the ground. It's the main reason they have resisted evolution for so long-fear of heights. Turtle thinking goes thus: Sure, first our scales turn into feathers and the next thing you know we're flying and chirping and perching on trees. We've seen it happen. Thanks, but we're staying right here in the mud where we belong. You're not going to see us flying full-tilt boogie into a sliding glass door. By Christopher Moore Heights Hate Flying Turtles Turtle

She was twentysix and pretty in a way that made men want to tuck her into flannel sheets and kiss her on the forehead before leaving the room; cute but not beautiful. By Christopher Moore Room Cute Beautiful Twentysix Pretty

It was watching Madeline Alby eat cheese with every ounce of her being, like it was the first and best time, that made him realize that he had never really tasted cheese, or crackers, or life. And he didn't want his daughter to live that way. He'd moved her into her own room the night before ... He hadn't slept well, and had gotten up five times during the night to check on her, only to find her sleeping peacefully, but he could lose a little sleep if Sophie could go through life without his fears and limitations. He wanted her to experience all the glorious cheese of life. By Christopher Moore Madeline Alby Crackers Cheese Life

Sometimes, methinks, a lass just needs to have a proper enraged scream. By Christopher Moore Methinks Scream Lass Proper Enraged

I'm not scared, Daddy. I just need some crunchy Cheese Newts up in this bitch. By Christopher Moore Daddy Scared Cheese Newts Bitch

In the East they taught us that all suffering comes from desire, and that rough beast would stalk me through my life, but on that afternoon, and for a time after, I touched grace. By Christopher Moore East Desire Life Afternoon Grace

Charlie Asher: I accidently shagged a monk last night.Minty Fresh: Sometimes, in times of crisis, that shit cannot be avoided. By Christopher Moore Asher Fresh Charlie Crisis Avoided

Mr. Asher, you can resist who you are for only so long. Finally, you just decide to go with fate. By Christopher Moore Asher Long Resist Finally Fate

No theory ever benefited by the application of data, Amy. Data kills theories. A theory has no better time than when it's lying there naked, pure, unsullied by facts. Let's just keep it that way for a while.""So you don't really have a theory?""Clueless.""You lying bag of fish heads.""I can fire you, you know. Even if Clay was the one that hired you, I'm not totally superfluous to this operation yet. I'm kind of in charge. I can fire you. Then how will you live?""I'm not getting paid.""See, right there. Perfectly good concept ruined by the application of fact. By Christopher Moore Amy Theory Data Benefited Application

Are you absolutely sure you want to do this? Seems like maybe it would make more sense to call in a SWAT team or Special Forces." "That won't work, isn't Special Forces where everyone gets a hug?" Charlie called. "That's the Special Olympics," Rivera said over his shoulder. By Christopher Moore Special Forces Absolutely Swat Olympics

She was meaning and order and light, and now that she's gone, chaos falls like a dark leaden cloud. By Christopher Moore Light Chaos Cloud Meaning Order

Well, it is written, two out of three ain't bad." "Where is that written?" "Dalmatians 9:7, I think - doesn't matter, no one else could have done what you did. By Christopher Moore Written Bad Dalmatians Matter

I so adored her when she let her warrior queen armor fall, and came, silly and giggling, into my arms. By Christopher Moore Fall Silly Giggling Arms Adored

As if someone had thrown a hand grenade into the middle of a teddy bear orgy and the only survivors had had their fur blown off. By Christopher Moore Thrown Hand Grenade Middle Teddy

[Author's Notes] As I write this, September 2002, much about the humpback song is still unknown. (Although scientists do know that it tends to be found in the New Age music section, as well as in tropical waters ... ) By Christopher Moore September Author Notes Unknown Write

What do you want?""Spain""Fuck! By Christopher Moore Spain Fuck

What?" he said. "What? What? What?" "Master, you're walking on the water," said Peter. "I just ate," Joshua said. "You can't go into the water for an hour after you eat. You could get a cramp. What, none of you guys have mothers? By Christopher Moore Water Master Peter Joshua Ate

Sarcasm will make your tits fall off. By Christopher Moore Sarcasm Make Tits Fall

It wasn't so much like the hands of time had stood still here, more like they'd been thrown in the air in exasperation, the clock declaring whatever! I'm outta here. By Christopher Moore Exasperation Hands Time Stood Thrown

The fact that 'A Dirty Job' has comedy and supernatural horror in it, that both are woven in and out of it with a whimsical tone, despite the fact that it's about death, makes it hard to characterize with standard genre labels - but I have no problem with that. I'd call it a funny story about death, and leave it at that. By Christopher Moore Fact Job Death Dirty Tone

Yo, yo, yo, check it out, said PJ, with enough hand gestures that any deaf person watching would have thought he had ASL Tourette's syndrome By Christopher Moore Asl Tourette Check Syndrome Hand

Joshua, my memory of Maggie isn't about what happened the night before we left. I didn't go to see her thinking that we would make love. A kiss was more than I expected. I think of Maggie because I made a place in my heart for her to live, and it's empty. It always will be. It always was. She loved you. By Christopher Moore Joshua Maggie Left Memory Happened

Next out of the hall came the sisters and their husbands. Before I could say anything, the captain had clamped his hand over my mouth and was lifting me off my feet as I kicked. Cornwall made as to draw his dagger, but Regan pulled him away. "You've just won a kingdom, my duke, killing vermin is a servant's task. Leave the bitter fool stew in his own bile."She wanted me. It was clear. By Christopher Moore Husbands Hall Sisters Regan Kicked

There comes a point where you'll find something out, where you'll see something, or where something will suddenly come together, and you'll realize that you know something that no one else in the world knows yet. Just you. No one else. You realize that all the value you have is in that one thing, and you're only going to have it for a short time until you tell someone else, but for that time you are more alive than you'll ever be. By Christopher Moore Realize Point Find Suddenly World

His words were: hello, good-bye, yes, no, please, thank you, okay, sorry, and suck my dick. He By Christopher Moore Goodbye Dick Words Suck

Let me say right here, if I haven't made it clear, that I have seen as many pale, naked old-man parts in the last twenty-four hours to bruise my delicate psyche for a lifetime, so don't be surprised if you someday find me wandering the moors at midnight, a crazed look in my eye, babbling about albino Tater Tots nesting in Brillo pads and being pursued by sagging man ass, because that shit can happen when you've been traumatized. By Christopher Moore Tater Tots Brillo Clear Pale

Alpha Males may lead the armies of the world, but it's the Betas who actually get the shit blowed up. By Christopher Moore Males Betas Alpha World Lead

The reason I wrote 'You Suck' was that I so enjoyed spending time with Tommy and Jody. By Christopher Moore Suck Jody Tommy Wrote Reason

That's it, said Cavuto. You're too much of a nerd to be gay. I'm contacting the committee. They'll revoke your rainbow flag and you will not be permitted anywhere near the parade. By Christopher Moore Cavuto Gay Committee Nerd Parade

Kayso, Foo finally came home and I jumped into his arms and sort of rode him to the ground with a massive tongue kiss so deep that I could taste the burned cinnamon toast of his soul, but then I slapped him, so he didn't think I was a slut. (Shut up, he had wood.)Being the Journal of Abby Normal By Christopher Moore Foo Kayso Soul Slut Finally

You're the one with almost an MBA," Barry, the short balding one, said to Lash. "You should know what to do." "They don't cover what to do with a dead hooker," Lash countered. "That's a whole different program. Political science, I think." Despite By Christopher Moore Barry Mba Lash Short Balding

You do not cause death, you do not prevent death, you are a servant of Destiny, not its agent. Get over yourself. By Christopher Moore Destiny Death Agent Prevent Servant

Trust your faith, Peter," I yelled. "If you doubt you won't be able to do it." Then Peter stepped with both feet onto the surface of the water, and for a split second he stood there. And we were all amazed. "Hey, I'm - " Then he sank like a stone. He came up sputtering. We were all doubled over giggling, and even Joshua had sunk up to his ankles, he was laughing so hard. "I can't believe you fell for that," said Joshua. He ran across the water and helped us pull Peter into the boat. "Peter, you're as dumb as a box of rocks. But what amazing faith you have. I'm going to build my church on this box of rocks." "You would have Peter build your church?" asked Philip. "Because he tried to walk on the water." "Would you have tried it?" asked Joshua. "Of course not," said Philip. "I can't swim. By Christopher Moore Peter Joshua Trust Yelled Water

Don't be so hard on yourself, You're doing the same thing, trying to reconcile all the moms that Mom ever was - The one you wanted, the one she was when you needed her and she was there, the one she was when she didn't understand. Most of us don't live our lives with one, integrated self that meets the world, we're a whole bunch of selves. When someone dies, they all integrate into the soul - the essence of who we are, beyond the different faces we wear throughout our lives. You're just hating the selves you've always hated, and loving the ones you've always loved. It's bound to mess you up. By Christopher Moore Moms Mom Thing Wanted Understand

Praying is talking to God. Meditating is listening. By Christopher Moore God Praying Talking Meditating Listening

Don't drive drunk. Ever. Don't shag anyone you don't like, or who doesn't like you. Get a look at how people live in a place where you don't. Suffering is over-rated, don't pursue it. Ask for help when you need it, don't when you don't, and learn to recognize the difference. Don't confuse movement and progress. Be kind. Be forgiving. Pay attention. By Christopher Moore Drunk Drive Shag Suffering Overrated

Blessed with the Beta Male imagination, he spent much of his life squinting into the future so he might spot ways in which the world was conspiring to kill him ... By Christopher Moore Beta Male Blessed Imagination Spent

She's studying the Existentialists this month. Asked for a study day last week to kill an Arab on the beach. By Christopher Moore Existentialists Month Studying Arab Asked

Pain travels pretty well. By Christopher Moore Pain Travels Pretty

The hip-hop guy nodded curtly, like he knew that, and despite appearances to the contrary, he had not been trippin', but had, in fact, been chillin' like a mo-fuckin' villain, so step the fuck off, wigga. He crossed against the light, limping slightly under the weight of the subtext. By Christopher Moore Villain Wigga Curtly Contrary Trippin

'Paint only what you see,' his hero Millet had admonished.'Imagination is a burden to a painter,' Auguste Renoir had told him. 'Painters are craftsmen, not storytellers. Paint what you see.'Ah, but what they hadn't said, hadn't warned him about, was how much you could see. By Christopher Moore Imagination Auguste Millet Renoir Paint

I like a girl with a substantial bottom,' said Renoir, drawing in the air the size bottom he preferred. By Christopher Moore Renoir Drawing Preferred Bottom Girl

I'm thinking of being a professional mourner. How hard can it be? Tear at your hair, sing a dirge or two, take the rest of the week off. By Christopher Moore Mourner Thinking Professional Tear Hair

This is fucking magic, she thought. This isn't some story out of one of Tommy's books. This isn't something you can experiment with in the bathroom. This is not natural, and whatever I am, it isn't natural. A vampire is magic, not science. By Christopher Moore Thought Fucking Magic Natural Tommy

Is she special? (asks the gay waiter)" I thinks she's going to break my heart" On arrival of the girl" The flannel is fine honey,but I have'nt seen anyone that over accesorized since batman! By Christopher Moore Special Waiter Heart Girl Batman

What this movie needs is more brain eating zombies. By Christopher Moore Zombies Movie Brain Eating

The image of a well-dressed older woman making on a goopish spoonful of artificial boon spooge was running across the lobes of his brain like a stuttering nightmare. By Christopher Moore Nightmare Image Welldressed Older Woman

This story is not and never was meant to challenge anyone's faith; however, if one's faith can be shaken by stories in a humorous novel, one may have a bit more praying to do. By Christopher Moore Faith Story Meant Challenge Shaken

Whistler,' Manet called. 'How's your mother? By Christopher Moore Whistler Manet Called Mother

Don't ask me how he got here, or what he really is. I think we've all learned over the years that the sooner we accept the simple explanation for the unexplained, the better chance we have of surviving a crisis. By Christopher Moore Unexplained Crisis Learned Years Sooner

San Francisco is a breathtakingly beautiful city, with lots of great contrasts between dark and light, often overlapping each other. It's a great setting for a horror story. By Christopher Moore Francisco San City Light Great

Night crawled across the desert sky like a black cat with phosphorus dandruff. By Christopher Moore Night Dandruff Crawled Desert Sky

And I was all, "Don't be gross, you crustacious fuck. You pull that thing out and I'll pepper-spray you until you fry." (You have to be stern with weenie waggersI've been exposed to on the bus over seventeen times, so I know.) By Christopher Moore Gross Fuck Crustacious Fry Pull

Oh, and a huge Federal Building that looked like it was being molested by a giant steel pterodactyl, but evidently that was just the government trying to get away from their standard bomb shelter architecture to something more aesthetically appealing, especially if you liked Godzilla porn. By Christopher Moore Federal Building Godzilla Pterodactyl Appealing

The Angel Gabriel disappeared once for sixty years and they found him on earth hiding in the body of a man named Miles Davis. By Christopher Moore Davis Angel Gabriel Miles Disappeared

Disorder in here harshing my mellow. By Christopher Moore Disorder Mellow Harshing

I kind of dislike 'For Whom the Bell Tolls,' but most of Hemingway in general, mainly because his stylistic shenanigans ruined so many young writers of my generation who tried to imitate him. I think, for his time, he moved fiction to a different level stylistically, or at least added to the dialogue, but in our time, he's annoying. By Christopher Moore Tolls Bell Hemingway Dislike General

All men are evil, that's what I was talking to my father about.What did he say?Fuck 'em.Really?Yeah.At least he answered you.I got the feeling that he thinks it's my problem now.Makes you wonder why he didn't burn that on one of the tablets. 'HERE, MOSES, HERE'S THE TEN COMMANDMENTS, AND HERE'S AN EXTRA ONE THAT SAYS FUCK 'EM.'He doesn't sound like that. By Christopher Moore Fuck Emreally Evil Yeahat Tablets

The snail, presumably, to bolster the self-esteem of the turtles: "You think we're slow? Look at that guy." To shore up the snail's morale in the same way, there was a rock. Everyone is happier if they have someone to look down on, as well as someone to look up to, especially if they resent both. This is not only the Beta Male strategy for survival, but the basis for capitalism, democracy, and most religions. By Christopher Moore Turtles Slow Snail Bolster Selfesteem

No matter where he went in the City, there was an odoriferous mix of food and vehicles, like the alchemic concoctions of some mad gourmet mechanic: Kung Pao Saab Turbo, Buick Skylark Carbonara, Sweet-and-Sour Metro Bus, Honda Bolognese with Burning Clutch Sauce. By Christopher Moore City Kung Turbo Buick Carbonara

They agreed, tacitly, to admire - but not covet - the red flowers. Mrs. Korjev liked the very redness of them. She had always been angry that the Communists had co-opted that color, for otherwise it would have evoked an unbridled happiness in her. Then again, the Russian soul, conditioned by a thousand years of angst, really wasn't equipped for unbridled happiness, so it was probably for the best. By Christopher Moore Tacitly Agreed Admire Covet Flowers

Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry, you can't have a baby brother, because that would mean that Daddy had sex, and that's never going to happen again. By Christopher Moore Sweetie Daddy Brother Sex Baby

One thing that's really delightful is my books tend to attract people who are funny, so I get the benefit of people writing me with things that crack me up. By Christopher Moore Funny People Delightful Books Tend

You're going to need more than that to usher in the kingdom of God, Josh, no offense. We can't go home with, 'Hi, I'm the Messiah, God wanted you to have this bacon. By Christopher Moore Josh God Offense Usher Kingdom

Charlie Asher: Mrs. Ling, is that duck wearing trousers?Mrs. Ling: Could be ... You hear of paper-wrap chicken? This duck in pants. By Christopher Moore Mrs Ling Asher Charlie Trousers

Author's WarningIf you're buying this book as a gift for your grandma or a kid, you should be aware that it contains cusswords as well as tasteful depictions of cannibalism and people in their forties having sex. Don't blame me. I told you. By Christopher Moore Author Kid Sex Warningif Buying

And so Charlie Asher ... led an army of fourteen-inch-tall bundles of animal bits, armed with everything from knitting needles to a spork, into the storm sewers of San Fransciso. By Christopher Moore Asher Charlie Fransciso San Led

You have to reward them when they do what you want. I tried punishing them when they misbehaved, but the hammer seemed to crush their spirit. By Christopher Moore Reward Misbehaved Spirit Punishing Hammer

FYI, when I type WTF, you are supposed to read What the Fuck? Same with OMG, and OMFG, which are Oh My God and Oh My Fucking God. Only a completely lame Disney Channel nimnode pronounces the letters. By Christopher Moore Fyi Wtf Fuck God Omg

Growl, you live in a slime lair and maintain an identity as the mysterious overlord of an undersea city, you command a fleet of meat dreadnaughts with crews of humanoid whale people, and you're currently reclining in a pulsating mass of gelatinous goo that looks like it escaped from hell's own Jell-O moldso excuse the fuck out of me if I question your motives. By Christopher Moore Growl City People Motives Live

Tommy had completely forgotten that he was horny. He had always been horny, and had accepted that he always would be horny. So when Jody sat down across from him and the tsunami of hormones washed over him, he was quite shocked that he had ever forgotten. By Christopher Moore Horny Tommy Completely Forgotten Jody

Out came an extraordinarily complex network of plastic, brass, and stainless-steel tubing, which in seconds Kona had assembled into what Quinn thought was either a very small and elegant linear particle accelerator or, more likely, the most complex bong ever constructed. By Christopher Moore Brass Kona Quinn Plastic Tubing

Careful crossing the street," Tommy called back to her as he crossed. [Jody is drunk]"Ha!" Jody said. "I am a finely tuned predator. I am a superbeing. I " And at that point she bounced her forehead off a light pole with a dull twang and was suddenly lying on her back, looking at the streetlights above her, which kept going out of focus, the bastards. By Christopher Moore Tommy Jody Careful Street Crossed

She can be a whirlwind of tits and terror when she puts her mind to a purpose, can't she, sir? By Christopher Moore Sir Purpose Whirlwind Tits Terror

Snake eyes!" the croupier said. "Lizard dick!" Coyote shouted back.This sent me to convulsions. By Christopher Moore Snake Eyes Lizard Croupier Dick

WARNINGThis is a bawdy tale. Herein you will find gratuitous shagging, murder, spanking, maiming, treason, and heretofore unexplored heights of vulgarity and profanity, as well as non-traditional grammar, split infinitives, and the odd wank. If that sort of thing bothers you, then gentle reader pass by, for we endeavor only to entertain, not to offend. That said, if that's the sort of thing you think you might enjoy, then you have happened upon the perfect story! By Christopher Moore Warningthis Tale Bawdy Sort Thing

Devil's Food?You can only eat so much white cake, my friend. By Christopher Moore Food Devil Cake Friend Eat

(I bring food and drink to the guards when they are on post during feasts. I believe it is written in the Obfuscations of St. Pesto: "In nine cases out of ten, a large friend with a poleax shall truly a blessing be." ) By Christopher Moore Feasts Bring Food Drink Guards

They were told what they wanted and they believed it. They can only keep their dream alive by being with others like themselves who will mirror their illusions. By Christopher Moore Told Wanted Believed Illusions Dream

I fink I gots deaf on me willie. By Christopher Moore Willie Fink Deaf

Rachel could not believe what she was hearing. Accepting that her magic worked was a huge step, yet she was speaking to the evidence. But to be offered the power to rule the world? She wasn't sure her career in exercise instruction had prepared her for this. By Christopher Moore Rachel Hearing Accepting Step Evidence

If there was anything I learned from John the Baptist, it was that the sooner you confess a mistake, the quicker you can get on to making new and better mistakes. By Christopher Moore Baptist John Mistake Mistakes Learned

Tommy had felt alone in a crowd before, even inferior to everyone in a crowd, but now he felt, well, different. It wasn't just the clothes and the make up, it was the humanity. He wasn't part of it. Heightened senses or not, he felt like he had his nose pressed against the window, looking in. The problem was, it was the window of a donut shop. By Christopher Moore Crowd Felt Tommy Inferior Window

I am convinced by the events of the last few weeks that nefarious forces of peopleunidentified but no less realare threatening life as we know it, and in fact, may be bent on unraveling the very fabric of our existence. By Christopher Moore Fact Existence Convinced Events Weeks

Getting a rise out of him was like trying to give a handjob to a parking meter: you were going to end up frustrated and exhausted long before a cop came along to haul you away. By Christopher Moore Meter Rise Give Handjob Parking

When I was writing 'You Suck,' in 2006, I constructed the diction of the book's narrator, perky Goth girl Abby Normal, from what I read on Goth blog sites. By Christopher Moore Goth Suck Normal Abby Writing

So, like, the master needed a hand, if you know what I mean, so I was like, "Oh chill, it's a stress thing, everyone does it. I'm flicking the bean under the table right now just to dial the tension back a little. Yes. Yes. Yes! Oh-zombie-jeebus-fuck-me-Simba-lion-king-hakuna-matata! Yes!"The Chronicles of Abby Normal By Christopher Moore Hand Chill Thing Master Needed

Moi?", said I, in perfect fucking French. By Christopher Moore Moi French Perfect Fucking

Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island. By Christopher Moore Boredom Island Lethal Thing Small

There's sort of a progression going back to the fifties: Bubbles, Boom Boom, and Blaze begat Bambi, Candy, and Jewel, who begat Sunshine, Brandy, and Cinnamon, who begat Amber, Brittany, and Brie, who begat Reagan, Morgan, and Madison. Madison is a stripper name. By Christopher Moore Begat Boom Bubbles Candy Brandy

Theophilus Crowe wrote bad free-verse poetry and played a jimbai drum while sitting on a rock by the ocean. He could play sixteen chords on the guitar and knew five Bob Dylan songs all the way through, allowing for a dampening buzz any time he had to play a bar chord. He had tried his hand at painting, sculpture, and pottery and had even played a minor part in the Pine Cove Little Theater's revival of Arsenic and Old Lace. In all of these endeavors, he had experienced a meteoric rise to mediocrity and quit before total embarrassment and self-loathing set in. Theo was cursed with an artist's soul but no talent. He possessed the angst and the inspiration, but not the means to create. By Christopher Moore Crowe Theophilus Ocean Played Wrote

[ ... ]I am a romance slut, and there's nothing I can do about it. If a guy does or says something romantic, I'm all "Oh, please excuse me, kind sir, let me dial down my IQ and oh, if it would please sir, may I offer you this moist, yet helpless va-jay-jay that seems to have lost its way."-The Chronicles of Abby Normal By Christopher Moore Slut Sir Romance Normal Chronicles

Funny how the illusion of safety can make us careless. By Christopher Moore Funny Careless Illusion Safety Make

So I am death" Charlie said then turned to his daughter while buttering his toast."This is death toast sweety. By Christopher Moore Charlie Toast Sweety Death Turned

He started skipping, but then caught himself and returned to deliberately pacing out his steps with his sheathed sword. People might ignore a tiny Japanese man in an orange porkpie hat and socks, with a sword, but if you went around expressing unrestrained joy, they would have you in a straightjacket before you could belt out a verse of Zippity Do-Dah. By Christopher Moore Sword Skipping Started Caught Returned

The Emperor decided to make a proclamation to his troops about the importance of compassion in the face of the rising tide of heinous fuckery and political weaselocity in the nearby kingdom of the United States. By Christopher Moore States Emperor United Decided Make

Give us a call or you know, flash a searchlight in the sky with your logo on it, because we monitor everything. By Christopher Moore Give Flash Call Searchlight Sky

There was a flash, a ding, and everything got dark and gooey. By Christopher Moore Flash Ding Gooey Dark

Foul and magical fumes bubbled out of the kettle, like the flatulence of a dragon on a demon-only diet. By Christopher Moore Foul Kettle Diet Magical Fumes

For a while he'd tried molding himself into the tragic Romantic hero, brooding and staring clench-jawed off into space as he composed dark verse in his head. But it turned out that trying to appear tragic in Incontinence, Indiana, was redundant, and his mother kept shouting at him and making him forget his rhymes. "Tommy, if you keep grinding your teeth like that, they'll wear away and you'll have to have dentures like Aunt Ester." Tommy only wished his beard was as heavy as Aunt Ester'sthen he could stare out over the moors while he stroked it pensively. By Christopher Moore Romantic Hero Brooding Head Indiana

And there were hundreds of singular events experienced by individuals: creatures moving in the shadows, voices and screams from the sewer grates, milk souring, cats scratching owners, dogs howling, and a thousand people woke up to find that they no longer cared for the taste of chocolate. It was a fucked-up day. By Christopher Moore Individuals Creatures Shadows Voices Grates

I think there was always some scrawny dreamer sitting at the edge of the firelight, who had the ability to imagine dangers, to look into the future in his imagination and see possibilities, and therefore survived to pass his genes on to the next generation. By Christopher Moore Firelight Dangers Possibilities Generation Scrawny

The little people parted and two of them carried a tray with the head of an animal Wiggley Charlie didn't recognize down an aisle. (It was the head of an opossum, but the o was silent, as often happens with the decapitated.) By Christopher Moore Wiggley Charlie Head Aisle People

Religion in Chinatown, as in most places, is based less on a cogent theology and more on a collection of random fears, superstitions, prejudices, forgotten customs, vestigial animism, and social control. Mrs. Ling, while a professed Buddhist of the Pure Land tradition, also kept waving cat charms, lucky coins, and put great faith in the good fortune of the color red ... and was very much in favor of any tradition, superstition, or ritual that involved fireworks ... By Christopher Moore Chinatown Prejudices Superstitions Religion Places

Ninety-five percent of all the species that have ever existed are now extinct, so don't look so goddamn smug. - GERARD RYDER By Christopher Moore Ninetyfive Extinct Smug Gerard Ryder

Some time ago, the Luminatus, or the Great Death, who kept balance between light and darkness, ceased to be. Since then, Forces of Darkness have been trying to rise from below. You are all that stands between them and destruction of the collective soul of humanity. Try not to screw up. By Christopher Moore Luminatus Death Great Darkness Ago

Religion was supposed to be a matter of faith. Gods were not supposed to jump on your desk and snarl at you. They weren't supposed to sit in your office smoking cigarettes. God's didn't do anything. They were supposed to ignore you and let you suffer and die having never known whether your religion was a waste of time. Faith. By Christopher Moore Supposed Faith Matter Religion Gods

People always stay the age that they died at. My big brother died of leukemia when I was six. He was eight. Now when I think of him, he's always eight, and he's still my big brother. He never changes, and the part of me that remembers him never changes. By Christopher Moore People Died Big Stay Age

A thousand years of torture rule, The knave who dares to harm a fool." I By Christopher Moore Rule Fool Thousand Years Torture

On the radio, turned low, Reba sang of hard times with the full authority of a cross-eyed redheaded millionaire. By Christopher Moore Reba Radio Turned Low Millionaire

She was an alien, really - a sort of eating, pooping, tantrum machine - and he didn't understand anything about her species. By Christopher Moore Pooping Alien Eating Tantrum Machine

She could hear wisps of fog brushing against the buildings like wet velvet. By Christopher Moore Velvet Hear Wisps Fog Brushing

Oh yes, I kept all of the abominations at bay while Kaliel played with his favorite sheep behind the bushes. By Christopher Moore Kaliel Bushes Abominations Bay Played

People are horrible and they lie. By Christopher Moore People Lie Horrible

The netherworld is timeless and unchanging, and boring much like a doctor's waiting room. By Christopher Moore Unchanging Room Netherworld Timeless Boring

How could you deal with a creature as devious as woman. By Christopher Moore Woman Deal Creature Devious

Shylock repointed his twitching, accusatory digit at his daughter. "You do not say such things in my house. You - you - you - you - " "Run along, love, it appears that Papa's been stricken with an apoplexy of the second person. By Christopher Moore Shylock Twitching Accusatory Daughter Repointed

We'll help," said one boy, his finger far enough up his nose to tickle a memory nesting in his frontal lobe. By Christopher Moore Boy Lobe Finger Nose Tickle

Dancing?", ventured Portia. "I do so prefer dancing to suffering, don't you, Nerissa?""You speak as if one must choose one over another. For every gentleman who has turned you around a ballroom can attest, dancing and suffering can be partners in step. By Christopher Moore Portia Nerissa Ventured Dancing Suffering

Raziel! Go forth into the land and lay waste unto two good-size Wal-Marts, slay until blood doth flow from all bargains and all the buildings are but rubble - and pick up a few Snickers bars for yourself. By Christopher Moore Raziel Snickers Walmarts Slay Rubble

You see," I explained to Joshua, "what Joy is doing is ironic, yet that's not her intent. That's the difference between irony and sarcasm. Irony can be spontaneous, while sarcasm requires volition. You have to create sarcasm.""No kidding?" said Josh."Why do I waste my time with you? By Christopher Moore Joshua Joy Ironic Intent Explained

Perhaps there is a reason that there is no fool piece on the chessboard. What action, a fool? What strategy, a fool? What use, a fool? Ah, but a fool resides in a deck of cards, a joker, sometimes two. Of no worth, of course. No real purpose. The appearance of a trump, but none of the power: Simply an instrument of chance. Only a dealer may give value to the joker. By Christopher Moore Fool Chessboard Reason Piece Joker

I've made a dog's breakfast of English history, geography, 'King Lear,' and the English language in general. By Christopher Moore Geography King Lear English History

Love without desire, or conditions, or limits - a pure and radiant glow in the heart that could make me giddy and sad and glorious all at once. By Christopher Moore Love Desire Conditions Limits Pure

My name," said Mr. Fresh."Pardon?" Charlie stopped tying himself up."I dress in mint green because of my first name. It's Minty."Charlie completely forgot what he was worried about. "Minty? Your name is Minty Fresh?"Charlie appeared to be trying to stifle a sneeze, but then snorted an explosive laugh. Then ducked. By Christopher Moore Pardon Fresh Charlie Minty Minty

So safe," Coyote said, "that you can lose it in a day? To be safe is to be afraid. Is that what you want: to be afraid? By Christopher Moore Coyote Afraid Day Safe Lose

One suit for the White Devil!" in Mandarin, By Christopher Moore Devil Mandarin White Suit

I tried cutting myself to express my heartbreak over Tommy (Lord Flood) rejecting me, but OMFG it hurts like flaming fuck. By Christopher Moore Tommy Lord Flood Omfg Rejecting

The only difference between a pirate and a privateer is a flag, By Christopher Moore Flag Difference Pirate Privateer

The problem with being nuts, she thought, is that you don't always feel as if you're nuts. Sometimes, in fact, you feel perfectly sane, and there just happens to be a trailer-shaped dragon crouching in the lot next door. By Christopher Moore Nuts Thought Feel Problem Fact

Andrew Lloyd Webber's version of the Kool-Aid jingle is at once chilling and evocative. Donny Osmond is brilliant as James Jones. By Christopher Moore Lloyd Webber Andrew Evocative Jones

Marry for love, stay married, and raise happy children who are quick to laugh and slow to judge. By Christopher Moore Marry Love Stay Married Judge

A hundred brilliant witticisms died suffocating on the captain's heavy glove. Thus muted, I pumped my codpiece at the duke and tried to force a fart, but my bum tumpet could find no note. By Christopher Moore Glove Hundred Brilliant Witticisms Died

Beta Males make excellent spies. Not the "James Bond, Aston Martin with missiles, boning the beautiful Russian rocket scientist on an ermineskin bedspread" sort of spy - more the "bad comb-over, deep-cover bureaucrat fishing coffee-sodden documents out of a Dumpster" spy. By Christopher Moore Males Beta Spies Spy Make

I can be most colorful and inventive when I am angry. By Christopher Moore Angry Colorful Inventive

The visual conjured in Val's mind - all that parched, wrinkled flesh in furious friction - culminated in flames, as if some giant cosmic Boy Scout had decided to rub two old people together to make a fire. By Christopher Moore Val Boy Scout Mind Parched

But to remain historically accurate, I would have had to leave out an important question that I felt needed to be addressed, which is, 'What if Jesus had known kung fu? By Christopher Moore Jesus Accurate Addressed Remain Historically

I gave you all!" screeched Lear, waving a palsied claw at Regan."And you took your bloody time giving it, too, you senile old fuck," said Regan. By Christopher Moore Lear Regan Regan Screeched Waving

You can't just go around blurting out the truth like a prophet with Tourette's syndrome. By Christopher Moore Tourette Syndrome Blurting Truth Prophet

They don't cover what to do with a dead hooker. That's a whole different program. Political science, I think. By Christopher Moore Hooker Cover Dead Program Political

Life is loneliness, broken only by the gods taunting us with friendship and the odd bonk By Christopher Moore Life Loneliness Broken Bonk Gods

Then someone started pounding on the door. And not a little "Hey, what's up?" pound. Like there was a big sale on door pounds down at the Pound Outlet. Buy one, get one free at Pounds-n-Stuff.Being the Journal of Abby Normal By Christopher Moore Hey Started Pounding Pound Door

A centipede the size of a Pontiac had once lived in the bottom-right corner of the trunk but had long since moved on once he realized that no one was ever going to bother him, so he could stand up on his hind hundred feet, hiss like a pissed cat, and deliver a deadly bite to a naked foot. By Christopher Moore Pontiac Feet Cat Foot Centipede

Foo shuddered. It had been less than an hour since the cops led Abby away and already he missed her like a severed limb. It was embarrassing. How could hormones and hydrostatic pressure make you feel like this? Love was very unscientific. By Christopher Moore Foo Shuddered Abby Limb Embarrassing

You're going to break my heart, aren't you? By Christopher Moore Heart Break

She's so obnoxious. Like a whole Saturday night drunk tank full of obnoxious packed into one little body. Detective Cavuto By Christopher Moore Obnoxious Cavuto Saturday Body Detective

The landings below the bridge were perfect alcoves for conspiracy. By Christopher Moore Conspiracy Landings Bridge Perfect Alcoves

Rum," said Kona. "Too much hostility in dat buzz. Rum come from da cane, and cane come from slavin' the people, and dat oppression all distilled in de bottle and come out a man mean as cat shit on a day. By Christopher Moore Kona Rum Dat Cane Buzz

I love you, Lucien, but I am a muse, you are an artist, I am not here to make you comfortable. By Christopher Moore Lucien Muse Artist Comfortable Love

Fine, as the tailor said to the broke and naked knight, suit yourself. By Christopher Moore Fine Knight Suit Tailor Broke

He had risked his freedom and his pride to buy her this, to acknowledge that part of her that everyone else seemed to want to get rid of. By Christopher Moore Risked Freedom Pride Buy Acknowledge

She have to go pick up prescription, so I watch Sophie for short time. And tiny bears are happy when I go in bathroom.""Hamsters, Mrs. Korjev, not bears." ... "I've got her now," Charlie said. "One of you stay with her while I get rid of the H-A-M-S-T-E-R-S.""He mean the tiny bears. By Christopher Moore Sophie Hamsters Prescription Time Bears

Have you never met anyone who works in a record store? There is no greater repository of unjustified arrogance in the world. By Christopher Moore Store Met Works Record World

Apologies, one loses perspective after spending a week in a brothel. By Christopher Moore Apologies Brothel Loses Perspective Spending

An embrace from him left scratches on my back that sometimes wept blood, yet my brothers and I fought to be the first in his arms when he returned from work each evening. The same injuries inflicted in anger would have sent us crying to our mother's skirts. I fell asleep each night feeling his hand on my back like a shield.Fathers. By Christopher Moore Blood Evening Back Embrace Left

It kept him from reaching that place that he hit so, so often in his life, the mind-bending, sob-inducing limit where he said to himself, I just cannot endure any more motherfucking death. No more! Order. Put everything in order. Serve order. That was the why and what of it. Order. By Christopher Moore Order Life Mindbending Sobinducing Death

So know this, little one. Whether you are the Messiah, or you become a rabbi, or even if you are nothing more than a farmer, here is the sum of all I can teach you, and all that I know: treat others as you would like to be treated. Can you remember that? By Christopher Moore Messiah Rabbi Farmer Treat Treated

Children see magic because they look for it. By Christopher Moore Children Magic

Charlie found himself affecting the Emperor's formal speech patterns, as if somehow he had been transported to a royal court where a nobleman was distinguished by the crumbs in his beard and the royal guard were not above licking their balls. By Christopher Moore Emperor Royal Charlie Patterns Balls

Oh, we are but soft and squishy bags of mortality rolling in a bin of sharp circumstance, leaking life until we collapse, flaccid, into our own despair. By Christopher Moore Flaccid Circumstance Leaking Collapse Despair

They want to be tied up, I tie them up. They want to be spanked, I spank them. They want to be called names, I call them names. But try and drink a little of their blood, and they scream like babies. What about my needs? By Christopher Moore Tied Tie Spanked Spank Blood

Y'all got to love something. Y'all got to hate something. Y'all got to want something. Pissing on other people's passion 'cause you trying to be cool just make you a coward - a By Christopher Moore Yall Love Hate Pissing Passion

Tommy, I'm going to tell you something I've never told anyone before. If you repeat it, I'll deny I said it. Five years ago I saw a white owl with a seventy-foot wingspan swoop out of the sky and pluck a demon off a hillside and take off into the sky.""I heard that cops get the best drugs," Tommy said. By Christopher Moore Tommy Told Repeat Deny Sky

I don't give a toss about being remembered after my death. By Christopher Moore Death Give Toss Remembered

This is the Marina. This is where you go between the fraternity or sorority house and your first divorce. Look around, except for our waitress, who I guarantee doesn't live in this neighborhood, it's all people who are completely self-absorbed without a shred of self-awareness." "Wow, that's harsh," Mike said. "You haven't served them," Lily said. By Christopher Moore Marina Wow Mike Lily Divorce

Wet towel under the door,' said Barry. 'It's what you do when you're smoking weed in a hotel and you don't want everyone calling security. You're always supposed to have a towel. I read about it in a guide for hitchhiking through the galaxy. By Christopher Moore Barry Wet Door Towel Security

They are the fallen gods. The new gods are producers, creators, doers. The new gods are the chinless techno-children who would rather eat white sugar and watch science-fiction films than worry about what shoes they wear. And these poor souls desperately push papers around hoping that a mystical message will appear to save them from the new, awkward, brilliant gods and their silicon-chip reality. Some of them will survive, of course, but most will fall. Uncreative thinking is done better by machines. Poor souls, you can almost hear them sweating. By Christopher Moore Gods Fallen Poor Souls Creators

The next day the weather was blown out, with whitecaps frosting the entire channel across to Lanai and the coconut palms whipping overhead like epileptic dust mops. By Christopher Moore Lanai Mops Day Weather Blown

Creep we did, until we were just outside the halo of firelight. Three bent-backed hags were walking a slow circle around a large cauldron, dropping in twisted bits of this and that as they chanted. "Double, double, toil and trouble: Fire burn, and cauldron bubble." "Witches," whispered Kent, paying tribute to the god of all things bloody fucking obvious. By Christopher Moore Double Creep Firelight Halo Witches

You think too much. Thinking will bring you nothing but suffering. Be simple. By Christopher Moore Thinking Suffering Simple Bring

Die, thou badger-shagging spunk monkey," said I. By Christopher Moore Die Thou Monkey Badgershagging Spunk

Outside the bedroom Jane fumbled around and in her purse and produced a pack of cigarettes, but couldn't figure out whether to smoke one or not. "Holy Motown Jesus with Pips, what the fuck is going on in there? By Christopher Moore Jane Cigarettes Holy Pips Bedroom

the preferable way to treat one another is with love and kindness; that pursuit of material gain is ultimately empty when measured against eternity; and that somehow, as human beings, we are all connected spiritually. By Christopher Moore Kindness Eternity Spiritually Preferable Treat

Love them all," said Renoir. "That is the secret, young man. Love them all." The painter let go of his arm and shrugged. "Then, even if your paintings are shit, you will have loved them all. By Christopher Moore Renoir Love Secret Young Man

After all the evidence is inafter you've run all the facts by everything you knowand you're still lost, you have to do some things on faith. By Christopher Moore Lost Faith Evidence Inafter Run

But I have known many womenmany women indeed, and it is in their nature to confound us, Othello. They are all by their natures lovely lunatics. By Christopher Moore Othello Womenmany Women Confound Nature

I don't know,' Charlie said. 'Have you gotten a good look at them? I mean, they got the badonkadonk out back and some fine bajoopbadangs up front, know what I'm sayin', dog? Buss a rock wid a playa?' He offered his fist for Minty to buss him a rock, but alas, the mint one left him hangin'. By Christopher Moore Charlie Rock Buss Dog Minty

Don't be ridiculous, Charlie, people love the parents who beat their kids in department stores. It's the ones who just let their kids wreak havoc that everybody hates. By Christopher Moore Charlie Ridiculous People Stores Kids

Slowly and gently, Augustus Brine explained to the king of the Djinn about the illusion created by motion pictures. When he finished, he felt like he had just raped the tooth fairy in front of a class of kindergartners. By Christopher Moore Augustus Brine Djinn Slowly Gently

Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy. There's no such place. By Christopher Moore Fairy Tooth Canada Children Myth

Congratulations, you have been chosen to act as Death, it's a dirty job, but someone has to do it. By Christopher Moore Congratulations Death Job Chosen Act

The fool's number is zero, but that's because he represents the infinite possibility of all things. He may become anything. See, he carries all of his possessions in a bundle on his back. He is ready for anything, to go anywhere, to become whatever he needs to be. Don't count out the fool, Pocket, simply because his number is zero. By Christopher Moore Things Represents Infinite Possibility Fool

We were seekers. You are that which is sought, Joshua. You are the source. The end is divinity, in the beginning is the word. You are the word. By Christopher Moore Seekers Joshua Word Sought Source

Not our problem. We don't have a dead blue hooker in our apartment. By Christopher Moore Problem Apartment Dead Blue Hooker

I'm feeling full of tiny princes, bustling to get out into the world and start plotting against one another. By Christopher Moore Princes Bustling Feeling Full Tiny

Scratch a cynic and you will find a disappointed romantic. By Christopher Moore Scratch Romantic Cynic Find Disappointed

Given the choice between grabbing a strange tongue and watching a monster poop into a giant snail shell, the face retreats and slams the door behind it By Christopher Moore Shell Choice Grabbing Strange Tongue

Carlton Mellick III has the craziest book titles and the kinkiest fans! By Christopher Moore Mellick Iii Carlton Fans Craziest

Nobody's perfect. Well, there was this one guy, but we killed him ... By Christopher Moore Perfect Guy Killed

So, have you seen Flood?" she asked. "Cop?" She added "cop" with a high pop on the p, like it was a punctuation mark, not a profession By Christopher Moore Flood Cop Asked Added Mark

True, but there was a plaque depicted in the painting, hung around the figure's neck, and on it was writing in Sumerian cuneiform. As you know, in addition to my other studies, I am an amateur necrolinguist - ""It means the likes to lick the dead," explained Henri."It means he studies dead languages," corrected Lucien. By Christopher Moore True Sumerian Painting Hung Neck

Lash had been explaining to her that it's impolite to refer to an African American as a nigga, unless one was another African American, when Troy Lee came in and said, "She only speaks Cantonese.""She does not. She keeps coming in and saying 'What's up my nigga?'""Oh yeah. She does that to me, too. Did you give her a pound?""No. I didn't give her a pound, motherfucker. She called me a nigga.""Well, she's not going to quit unless you give her a pound. It's just the way she rolls.""That's some bullshit, Troy.""It's her couch. By Christopher Moore African American Cantonese Troy Lee

Their names are Death, Disease, War, and Sparkle-Darkle Glitter-tits," Sophie said. "They're the four little ponies of the Apocalypse. By Christopher Moore Disease War Death Glittertits Sophie

I have that special sort of novelist body of knowledge which is extraordinarily wide and very, very shallow. So I can usually answer the questions on 'Jeopardy,' but never the bonus question. By Christopher Moore Jeopardy Shallow Special Sort Novelist

Pondering is a little like considering and a little like thinking, but looser. To ponder, one must let the facts roll around the rim of the mind's roulette wheel, coming to settle in whichever slot they feed pulled to. By Christopher Moore Pondering Thinking Looser Ponder Wheel

Shoes off in the whale! And don't try and make a break for the anus. By Christopher Moore Shoes Whale Anus Make Break

Lonliness evaporated off of them like the steam off dry ice, and by morning it was just a cloud on the ceiling of the room, then gone with the light. By Christopher Moore Lonliness Ice Room Light Evaporated

CHORUS: And so, while the fool slept the sleep of the dead, the beautiful Jewess snipped off the tip of his willy. By Christopher Moore Chorus Jewess Dead Willy Fool

The constable lit the bong and lost himself in the scuba bubbles of sweet comforting smoke. By Christopher Moore Smoke Constable Lit Bong Lost

People are douche bags. Many people. Not all. But you know, most.Which is why we destroyed the world. By Christopher Moore Bags People Douche Mostwhich World

She gave him the wide, green-eyed expression that she would have described as I will slap you so far into next week that it will take a team of surgeons just to get Wednesday out of your ass. By Christopher Moore Wednesday Wide Greeneyed Ass Gave

Blessed are the minimarshmallows," the angel said, swooning a little. By Christopher Moore Blessed Minimarshmallows Swooning Angel

The sofa was lumpy enough to have had a body sewed into it; stuffing spilled out of the arms where the victim had tried to escape. By Christopher Moore Stuffing Escape Sofa Lumpy Body

but all things considered, he could go a very long time not being run over by a Volvo again and feel just dandy about it. He By Christopher Moore Volvo Considered Things Long Time

Compliment but do not covet. By Christopher Moore Compliment Covet

If you come to a river and find a boat at the edge, you will use that boat and it will serve you well, but once across the river, do you put the boat on your shoulders and carry it with you on the rest of your journey? By Christopher Moore Boat River Edge Journey Find

Like last year I took Advance Foods class (which is like cooking for nerds) after lunch, and so I usually took a nap. Which was fine, because I'm not even thrilled about regular foods, so, you know, what do I need with like advanced digital HD wi-fi foods and whatnot? -Abby By Christopher Moore Advance Foods Class Nerds Lunch

From the slope of Haleakala, the Old Broad watched the activity in the channel with a two-hundred-power celestial telescope and a pair of "big eyes" binoculars that looked like stereo bazookas on precision mounts that were anchored into a ton of concrete. By Christopher Moore Haleakala Broad Celestial Big Eyes

We know there's going to be nothing but pain, but we go back again and again. By Christopher Moore Pain Back

Not yet!" said she [Goneril], trying to roll me over and get back to smacking my bum.She honked my codpiece.You honked my codpiece."Aye, give it up, fool." [ ... ] By Christopher Moore Goneril Aye Fool Honked Codpiece

It was an eight-harlot inn, if that's how you measure an inn. (I understand that now they measure inns in stars. We are in a four-star inn right now. I don't know what the conversion from harlots to stars is.) By Christopher Moore Inn Measure Eightharlot Stars Understand

Oh, do fuck off. You Muslims and your aversion to drink. Fucking slaughter the greater part of the Western fucking world in Allah's name, but someone wants to toast to your health and suddenly it's all piety, prayer, throw out the pork, and let's put draperies around the women. By Christopher Moore Fuck Muslims Fucking Western Allah

I was baptized Methodist, but I was mainly raised First Church of NFL, which is to say that my family, especially my father, was much more concerned with watching football on Sundays than attending services. By Christopher Moore Methodist Nfl Church Sundays Family

It had been less than an hour since the cops led Abby away and already he missed her like a severed limb. It was embarrassing. How could hormones and hydrostatic pressure make you feel like this? Love By Christopher Moore Abby Limb Hour Cops Led

You were supposed to empathize with your friend's problem, but they were, after all, your friend's problems ... By Christopher Moore Friend Problem Problems Supposed Empathize

Mr. Asher, I'm going to have to ask you to leave." "No, ma'am, I'm going to have to insist that you pass away, this instant. You're overdue. By Christopher Moore Asher Leave Maam Instant Insist

Josh: "What is this thing?"Gasper: "It's a Yeti. An abominable snowman."Biff: "This is what happens when you fuck a sheep?"Josh: "Not an abomination, abominable. By Christopher Moore Josh Gasper Yeti Biff Thing

It's a yeti," said Gaspar from behind me, obviously having been roused from his trance. "An abominable snowman." "This is what happens when you fuck a sheep!?" I exclaimed. "Not an abomination," Josh said, "abominable." The yeti licked him on the cheek. By Christopher Moore