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A revolution is a violent change of mismanagement. By Ambrose Bierce Mismanagement Revolution Violent Change

An aged Burgundy runs with a beardless Port. I cherish the fancy that Port speaks sentences of wisdom, Burgundy sings the inspired Ode. By Ambrose Bierce Burgundy Port Ode Aged Runs

REASON, v.i. To weight probabilities in the scales of desire. By Ambrose Bierce Reason Desire Weight Probabilities Scales

OPERA, n. A play representing life in another world, whose inhabitants have no speech but song, no motions but gestures and no postures but attitudes. By Ambrose Bierce Opera World Song Attitudes Play

Appeal. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw. By Ambrose Bierce Appeal Law Throw Put Dice

JOSS-STICKS- Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion. By Ambrose Bierce Josssticks Small Chinese Tomfoolery Religion

A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been written by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures. By Ambrose Bierce Scriptures Mohammedans Christians Holy Inspiration

X, n. In our alphabet being a needless letter has an added invincibility to the attacks of the spelling reformers, and like them, will doubtless last as long as the language. By Ambrose Bierce Reformers Language Alphabet Needless Letter

When he had ended, the holy hermit was a moment silent, then said: My son, I have attended to thy story and I know the maiden. I have myself seen her, as have many. Know, then, that she is capricious for she imposeth conditions that man cannot fulfill, and delinquency is punished by desertion. She cometh only when unsought, and will not be questioned. One manifestation of curiosity, one sign of doubt, one expression of misgiving, and she is away! By Ambrose Bierce Ended Silent Son Maiden Holy

What did I fear, and why? - I, to whom the night had beena more familiar facethan that of man I, in whom that element of hereditary superstition from which none of us is altogether free had given to solitude and darkness and silence only a more alluring interest and charm! By Ambrose Bierce Fear Charm Night Beena Familiar

Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured. By Ambrose Bierce Future Prosper Assured Period Time

A king's staff of office, the sign and symbol of his authority. It was originally a mace with which the sovereign admonished his jester and vetoed ministerial measures by breaking the bones of their proponents. By Ambrose Bierce Office Authority King Staff Sign

Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery. By Ambrose Bierce Adolescence Adultery Stage Puberty

Ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity. By Ambrose Bierce Ability Solemnity Commonly Found Consist

A popular writer writes about what people think. A wise writer offers them something to think about. By Ambrose Bierce Writer Popular Writes People Wise

LINEN, n. "A kind of cloth the making of which, when made of hemp, entails a great waste of hemp." By Ambrose Bierce Linen Hemp Entails Kind Cloth

Resolute, adj. Obstinate in a course that we approve. By Ambrose Bierce Resolute Adj Obstinate Approve

Knowledge is the small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify. By Ambrose Bierce Knowledge Classify Small Part Ignorance

TABLE D'HOTE, n. A caterer's thrifty concession to the universal passion for irresponsibility. By Ambrose Bierce Table Dhote Irresponsibility Caterer Thrifty

CEMETERY, n. An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies, poets write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a wager. By Ambrose Bierce Cemetery Lies Poets Wager Isolated

PHYSIOGNOMY, n. The art of determining the character of another by the resemblances and differences between his face and our own, which is the standard of excellence. By Ambrose Bierce Physiognomy Excellence Art Determining Character

OUT-OF-DOORS, n. That part of one's environment upon which no government has been able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire poets. By Ambrose Bierce Taxes Chiefly Poets Part Environment

CENTAUR, n. One of a race of persons who lived before the division of labor had been carried to such a pitch of differentiation, and who followed the primitive economic maxim, "Every man his own horse." By Ambrose Bierce Centaur Differentiation Maxim Horse Race

CARNIVOROUS, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous vegetarian, his heirs and assigns. By Ambrose Bierce Carnivorous Adj Addicted Vegetarian Assigns

Hope is desire and expectation rolled into one. By Ambrose Bierce Hope Desire Expectation Rolled

PLEONASM, n. An army of words escorting a corporal of thought. By Ambrose Bierce Pleonasm Thought Army Words Escorting

CONSULT, v.i. To seek another's disapproval of a course already decided on. By Ambrose Bierce Consult Seek Disapproval Decided

Death is a dignitary who when he comes announced is to be received with formal manifestations of respect, even by those most familiar with him. In the code of military etiquette silence and fixity are forms of deference. By Ambrose Bierce Death Respect Dignitary Announced Received

HATRED, n. A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. By Ambrose Bierce Hatred Superiority Sentiment Occasion

Riven and torn with cannon-shot, the trunks of the trees protruded bunches of splinters like hands, the fingers above the wound interlacing with those below. By Ambrose Bierce Riven Cannonshot Hands Torn Trunks

Pun: A form of wit, to which wise men stoop and fools aspire By Ambrose Bierce Pun Wit Aspire Form Wise

Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art. By Ambrose Bierce Photograph Art Picture Painted Sun

PESSIMISM- philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. By Ambrose Bierce Pessimism Philosophy Smile Forced Convictions

CUI BONO? [Latin] What good would that do "me"? By Ambrose Bierce Cui Bono Latin Good

IMPOSTOR n. A rival aspirant to public honors. By Ambrose Bierce Impostor Honors Rival Aspirant Public

An archbishop is an ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop. By Ambrose Bierce Bishop Archbishop Ecclesiastical Dignitary Point

Achievement is the death of endeavor and the birth of disgust. By Ambrose Bierce Achievement Disgust Death Endeavor Birth

PROPHECY, n. The art and practice of selling one's credibility for future delivery. By Ambrose Bierce Prophecy Delivery Art Practice Selling

Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table. By Ambrose Bierce Insurance Table Ingenious Modern Game

PASTIME, n. A device for promoting dejection. Gentle exercise for intellectual debility. By Ambrose Bierce Pastime Dejection Gentle Debility Device

It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of others from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. By Ambrose Bierce Nose Smell Observed Happy Thrust

COMPULSION, n. The eloquence of power. By Ambrose Bierce Compulsion Power Eloquence

Immigrant: An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another. By Ambrose Bierce Immigrant Unenlightened Person Country

Heaven lies about us in our infancy and the world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. By Ambrose Bierce Heaven Afterward Lies Infancy World

DEPENDENT, adj. Reliant upon another's generosity for the support which you are not in a position to exact from his fears. By Ambrose Bierce Dependent Adj Reliant Fears Generosity

Happiness is lost by criticizing it; sorrow by accepting it. By Ambrose Bierce Happiness Sorrow Lost Criticizing Accepting

An auctioneer is a man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue. By Ambrose Bierce Tongue Auctioneer Man Proclaims Hammer

STORY, n. A narrative, commonly untrue. The truth of the stories here following has, however, not been successfully impeached. By Ambrose Bierce Story Narrative Commonly Untrue Impeached

DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician's forecast of disease by the patient's pulse and purse. By Ambrose Bierce Diagnosis Purse Physician Forecast Disease

CARTESIAN, adj. Relating to Descartes, author of 'Cogito ergo sum' to demonstrate the reality of human existence. The dictum might be improved 'Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum' 'I think that I think, therefore I think that I am' as close an approach. By Ambrose Bierce Cartesian Cogito Adj Sum Descartes

LEGACY, n. A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of tears. By Ambrose Bierce Legacy Tears Gift Legging Vale

Potable, n. Suitable for drinking. Water is said to be potable; indeed, some declare it our natural beverage, although even they find it palatable only when suffering from the recurrent disorder known as thirst, for which it is a medicine. By Ambrose Bierce Potable Suitable Drinking Water Beverage

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others. By Ambrose Bierce Calamities Kinds Misfortunes Good Fortune

Christian - One who follows the teachings of Christ insofar as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. By Ambrose Bierce Christian Christ Sin Teachings Inconsistent

The ghost is the outward and visible signs of an inward fear. By Ambrose Bierce Fear Ghost Outward Visible Signs

Immoral: Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard to the greater number of instances men find to be generally inexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral. If mans notions of right and wrong have any other basis than this of expediency; if they originated, or could have originated, in any other way; if actions have in themselves a moral character apart from and nowise dependent on, their consequences-then all philosophy is a lie and reason a disorder of the mind. By Ambrose Bierce Immoral Inexpedient Originated Wrong Wicked

BATH, n. A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship, with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined. By Ambrose Bierce Bath Worship Determined Kind Mystic

CERBERUS, n. The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard the entrance - against whom or what does not clearly appear; everybody, sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry off the entrance. By Ambrose Bierce Cerberus Entrance Hades Sooner Watchdog

EMOTION, n. A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes. By Ambrose Bierce Emotion Head Eyes Prostrating Disease

MAGNITUDE, n. Size [that is] purely relative. If everything in the universe were increased 1,000 diameters nothing would be any larger than it was before, but if one thing remain unchanged all the others would be larger than they had been. By Ambrose Bierce Magnitude Size Larger Purely Relative

Homo Creator's testimony to the sound construction and fine finish of Deus Creatus. A popular form of abjection, having an element of pride. By Ambrose Bierce Creatus Creator Deus Homo Testimony

A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtle only to find that the creature has long been dead, deems it expedient to form a new attachment to a fresh turtle. By Ambrose Bierce Turtle Dead Deems Leech Penetrated

COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness. By Ambrose Bierce Comfort Uneasiness State Mind Produced

Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. By Ambrose Bierce Mad Adj Affected Independence High

The game of discontent has its rules, and he who disregards them cheats. It is not permitted to you to wish to add another's advantages or possessions to your own; you are permitted only to wish to be another. By Ambrose Bierce Rules Cheats Game Discontent Disregards

A man is the sum of his ancestors; to reform him you must begin with a dead ape and work downward through a million graves. By Ambrose Bierce Ancestors Graves Man Sum Reform

Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. By Ambrose Bierce Democracy Lunch Wolves Lamb Voting

Duck-bill, n. Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-back season. By Ambrose Bierce Duckbill Season Account Restaurant Canvasback

CALUMNUS, n. A graduate of the School for Scandal. By Ambrose Bierce Calumnus Scandal School Graduate

The covers of this book are too far apart. By Ambrose Bierce Covers Book

MAJESTY, n. The state and title of a king. Regarded with a just contempt by the Most Eminent Grand Masters, Grand Chancellors, Great Incohonees and Imperial Potentates of the ancient and honorable orders of republican America. By Ambrose Bierce Majesty Grand Masters Chancellors Great

GRAVITATION, n. The tendency of all bodies to approach one another with a strength proportioned to the quantity of matter they contain-the quantity of matter they contain being ascertained by the strength of their tendency to approach one another. This is a lovely and edifying illustration of how science, having made A the proof of B, makes B the proof of A. By Ambrose Bierce Gravitation Approach Matter Quantity Proof

PROBOSCIS, n. The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him. For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk. By Ambrose Bierce Proboscis Evolution Trunk Rudimentary Organ

Me, pro. The objectionable case of I. The personal pronoun in English has three cases, the dominative, the objectionable and the oppressive. Each is all three. By Ambrose Bierce Pro Objectionable English Case Cases

YANKEE, n. In Europe, an American. In the Northern States of our Union, a New Englander. In the Southern States the word is unknown. By Ambrose Bierce Yankee States Europe American Union

Truth is more deceptive than falsehood, for it is more frequently presented by those from whom we do not expect it, and so has against it a numerical presumption. By Ambrose Bierce Truth Falsehood Presumption Deceptive Frequently

CONSOLATION, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself. By Ambrose Bierce Consolation Knowledge Man Unfortunate

TENACITY, n. A certain quality of the human hand in its relation to the coin of the realm. It attains its highest development in the hand of authority and is considered a serviceable equipment for a career in politics. By Ambrose Bierce Tenacity Hand Realm Quality Human

REFUSAL, n. Denial of something desired; Refusals are graded in a descending scale of finality thus: the refusal absolute, the refusal condition, the refusal tentative and the refusal feminine. The last is called by some casuists the refusal assentive. By Ambrose Bierce Refusal Refusals Denial Desired Absolute

WRATH, n. Anger of a superior quality and degree, appropriate to exalted characters and momentous occasions; as, "the wrath of God," "the day of wrath," etc ... By Ambrose Bierce Wrath God Anger Degree Occasions

MUSTANG, n. An indocile horse of the western plains. In English society, the American wife of an English nobleman. By Ambrose Bierce Mustang English American Plains Society

Alliance - in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third. By Ambrose Bierce Alliance Politics International Union Thieves

WITCH, n. (1) Any ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil. By Ambrose Bierce Witch Devil Woman League Ugly

Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. By Ambrose Bierce Ambidextrous Adj Left Pick Equal

Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught. By Ambrose Bierce Academe Taught School Academy Ancient

HARMONISTS, n. A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who came from Europe in the beginning of the last century and were distinguished for the bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions. By Ambrose Bierce Harmonists Protestants Europe Extinct Dissensions

DELEGATION, n. In American politics, an article of merchandise that comes in sets. By Ambrose Bierce Delegation American Politics Sets Article

HAND, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. By Ambrose Bierce Hand Pocket Singular Instrument Worn

Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing. By Ambrose Bierce Philosophy Route Roads Leading

SCRAP-BOOK, n. A book that is commonly edited by a fool. Many persons of some small distinction compile scrap-books containing whatever they happen to read about themselves or employ others to collect. By Ambrose Bierce Fool Collect Book Commonly Edited

Aphorism, n. Predigested wisdom. By Ambrose Bierce Aphorism Predigested Wisdom

Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. By Ambrose Bierce Happiness Agreeable Sensation Arising Contemplating

READING, n. The general body of what one reads. In our country it consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect" and humor in slang. By Ambrose Bierce Reading Dialect Reads Indiana Consists

PLAGIARIZE, v. To take the thought or style of another writer whom one has never, never read. By Ambrose Bierce Plagiarize Read Thought Style Writer

Birth, n.: The first and direst of all disasters. By Ambrose Bierce Birth Disasters Direst

MANNA, n. A food miraculously given to the Israelites in the wilderness. When it was no longer supplied to them they settled down and tilled the soil, fertilizing it, as a rule, with the bodies of the original occupants. By Ambrose Bierce Manna Israelites Wilderness Food Miraculously

SIREN, n. One of several musical prodigies famous for a vain attempt to dissuade Odysseus from a life on the ocean wave. Figuratively, any lady of splendid promise, dissembled purpose and disappointing performance. By Ambrose Bierce Siren Figuratively Odysseus Wave Promise

HUSBAND, n. One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the plate. By Ambrose Bierce Husband Dined Plate Charged Care

MINISTER, n. An agent of a higher power with a lower responsibility. In diplomacy, an officer sent into a foreign country as the visible embodiment of his sovereign's hostility. By Ambrose Bierce Minister Responsibility Diplomacy Hostility Agent

Work: a dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries who want to go fishing. By Ambrose Bierce Work Fishing Dangerous Disorder Affecting

History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools. By Ambrose Bierce History Account False Events Unimportant

Youth is Gilead, in which is balm for every wound. By Ambrose Bierce Gilead Youth Wound Balm

FROG, n. A reptile with edible legs By Ambrose Bierce Frog Legs Reptile Edible

OBSTINATE, adj. Inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in the splendor and stress of our advocacy. By Ambrose Bierce Obstinate Adj Inaccessible Advocacy Truth

Christians and camels receive their burdens kneeling. By Ambrose Bierce Christians Kneeling Camels Receive Burdens

HOG, n. A bird remarkable for the catholicity of its appetite and serving to illustrate that of ours. Among the Mahometans and Jews, the hog is not in favor as an article of diet, but is respected for the delicacy and the melody of its voice. It is chiefly as a songster that the fowl is esteemed; the cage of him in full chorus has been known to draw tears from two persons at once. The scientific name of this dicky-bird is _Porcus Rockefelleri_. Mr. Rockefeller did not discover the hog, but it is considered his by right of resemblance. By Ambrose Bierce Hog Jews Mahometans Porcus Rockefelleri

INDECISION, n. The chief element of success; "for whereas," saith Sir Thomas Brewbold, "there is but one way to do nothing and divers way to do something, whereof, to a surety, only one is the right way, it followeth that he who from indecision standeth still hath not so many chances of going astray as he who pusheth forwards" a most clear and satisfactory exposition on the matter."Your prompt decision to attack," said Genera Grant on a certain occasion to General Gordon Granger, "was admirable; you had but five minutes to make up your mind in.""Yes, sir," answered the victorious subordinate, "it is a great thing to be know exactly what to do in an emergency. When in doubt whether to attack or retreat I never hesitate a moment I toss us a copper.""Do you mean to say that's what you did this time?""Yes, General; but for Heaven's sake don't reprimand me: I disobeyed the coin. By Ambrose Bierce Indecision General Sir Attack Brewbold

PRIMATE, n. The head of a church, especially a State church supported by involuntary contributions. The Primate of England is the Archbishop of Canterbury, an amiable old gentleman, who occupies Lambeth Palace when living and Westminster Abbey when dead. He is commonly dead. By Ambrose Bierce Primate Dead State Church Canterbury

There, conspicuous in the light of the conflagration, lay the dead body of a woman - the white face turned upward, the hands thrown out and clutched full of grass, the clothing deranged, the long dark hair in tangles and full of clotted blood. The greater part of the forehead was torn away, and from the jagged hole the brain protruded, overflowing the temple, a frothy mass of gray, crowned with clusters of crimson bubbles - the work of a shell.The child moved his little hands, making wild, uncertain gestures. He uttered a series of inarticulate and indescribable cries - something between the chattering of an ape and the gobbling of a turkey - a startling, soulless, unholy sound, the language of a devil. The child was a deaf mute.Then he stood motionless, with quivering lips, looking down upon the wreck. By Ambrose Bierce Full Hands Conspicuous Conflagration Lay

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights; that among these are life, and the right to make that of another miserable by thrusting upon him an incalculable quantity of acquaintances; liberty, particularly the liberty to introduce persons to one another without first ascertaining if they are not already acquainted as enemies; and the pursuit of another's happiness with a running pack of strangers. By Ambrose Bierce Creator Liberty Selfevident Equal Life

LAP, n. One of the most important organs of the female system - an admirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy, but chiefly useful in rural festivities to support plates of cold chicken and heads of adult males. By Ambrose Bierce Lap System Infancy Males Important

Good-bye if you hear of my being stood up against a stone wall and shot to rags please know that I think that a pretty good way to depart this life. It beats old age, disease or falling down the cellar stairs. By Ambrose Bierce Goodbye Life Hear Stood Stone

ROSTRUM, n. In Latin, the beak of a bird or the prow of a ship. In America, a place from which a candidate for office energetically expounds the wisdom, virtue and power of the rabble. By Ambrose Bierce Rostrum Latin America Ship Beak

Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable. By Ambrose Bierce Religion Fear Unknowable Hope Ignorance

A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat, mouse, beetle, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus, and microbe. By Ambrose Bierce Rat Mouse Beetle Cockroach Fly

Self-restraint is indulgence of the propensity to forgo. By Ambrose Bierce Selfrestraint Forgo Indulgence Propensity

Self-denial is indulgence of a propensity to forego. By Ambrose Bierce Selfdenial Forego Indulgence Propensity

PANTALOONS, n. A nether habiliment of the adult civilized male. The garment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the points of flexion. Supposed to have been invented by a humorist. Called trousers by the enlightened and pants by the unworthy. By Ambrose Bierce Pantaloons Male Nether Habiliment Adult

Poverty and zeal are an upper and a nether millstone. It is dangerous to make a third in that kind of sandwich. By Ambrose Bierce Poverty Millstone Zeal Upper Nether

SATAN, n. One of the Creator's lamentable mistakes, repented in sashcloth and axes. Being instated as an archangel, Satan made himself multifariously objectionable and was finally expelled from Heaven. Halfway in his descent he paused, bent his head in thought a moment and at last went back. "There is one favor that I should like to ask," said he. "Name it." "Man, I understand, is about to be created. He will need laws." "What, wretch! you his appointed adversary, charged from the dawn of eternity with hatred of his soul - you ask for the right to make his laws?" "Pardon; what I have to ask is that he be permitted to make them himself." It was so ordered. By Ambrose Bierce Satan Creator Heaven Laws Make

On this night I had searched for them without success, fearing to find them; they were nowhere in the house, nor about the moonlit dawn. For, although the sun is lost to us for ever, the moon, full-orbed or slender, remains to us. Sometimes it shines by night, sometimes by day, but always it rises and sets, as in that other life. By Ambrose Bierce Success Fearing House Dawn Searched

TRUTH, n.: An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance. Discovery of truth is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is the most ancient occupation of the human mind and has a fair prospect of existing with increasing activity to the end of time. By Ambrose Bierce Truth Appearance Ingenious Compound Desirability

PRESBYTERIAN, n. One who holds the conviction that the government authorities of the Church should be called presbyters. By Ambrose Bierce Presbyterian Church Presbyters Holds Conviction

Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of electricity. This illustrious savant, after having made several voyages around the world, died on the Sandwich Islands and was devoured by savages, of whom not a single fragment was ever recovered. By Ambrose Bierce Franqulin Monsieur Inventor Electricity Sandwich

Snow pursued by the wind is not wholly unlike a retreating army. In the open field it ranges itself in ranks and battalions; where it can get a foothold it makes a stand; where it can take cover it does so. You may see whole platoons of snow cowering behind a bit of broken wall. By Ambrose Bierce Army Pursued Wind Wholly Unlike

HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There arefour kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, andpraiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slainwhether he fell by one kind or another the classification is foradvantage of the lawyers. By Ambrose Bierce Homicide Felonious Excusable Justifiable Andpraiseworthy

DELUSION, n. The father of a most respectable family, comprising Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many other goodly sons and daughters. By Ambrose Bierce Delusion Affection Selfdenial Faith Hope

HEART, n. Figuratively, this useful organ is said to be the seat of emotions and sentiments ... It is now known that sentiments and emotions reside in the stomach, being evolved from food by chemical action of the gastric fluid. By Ambrose Bierce Heart Figuratively Emotions Sentiments Stomach

ZEUS /n./ The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog. By Ambrose Bierce Zeus Gold Mob Dog Gods

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by the removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease, like caries and many other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient. By Ambrose Bierce Love Disorder Patient Temporary Insanity

OSTRICH, n. A large bird to which (for its sins, doubtless) nature has denied that hinder toe ... The absence of a good working pair of wings is no defect, for, as has been ingeniously pointed out, the ostrich does not fly. By Ambrose Bierce Ostrich Doubtless Sins Nature Toe

I can give you my word of honor." "And pray what may be the value of that?" inquired the amused Regent. "Monsieur, it is worth its weight in gold. By Ambrose Bierce Honor Monsieur Regent Give Word

Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on. By Ambrose Bierce Deliberation Act Examining Bread Determine

REPARTEE, n. Prudent insult in retort. Practiced by gentlemen with a constitutional aversion to violence, but a strong disposition to offend. In a war of words, the tactics of the North American Indian. By Ambrose Bierce Repartee Indian Prudent Retort North

April fool, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly. By Ambrose Bierce April Fool March Folly Month

As a means of dispensing formulated ignorance our boasted public school system is not without merit; it spreads out education sufficiently thin to give everyone enough to make him a more competent fool than he would have been without it ... By Ambrose Bierce Merit Dispensing Formulated Ignorance Boasted

WALL STREET, n. A symbol for sin for every devil to rebuke. That Wall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every unsuccessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven. By Ambrose Bierce Wall Street Heaven Rebuke Symbol

RICH, adj. Holding in trust and subject to an accounting the property of the indolent, the incompetent, the unthrifty, the envious and the luckless. By Ambrose Bierce Rich Adj Holding Indolent Incompetent

ZOOLOGY, n. The science and history of the animal kingdom, including its king, the House Fly ("Musca maledicta"). The father of Zoology was Aristotle, as is universally conceded, but the name of its mother has not come down to us. By Ambrose Bierce Zoology Fly Musca House Aristotle

PROPERTY, n. Any material thing, having no particular value, that may be held by A against the cupidity of B. Whatever gratifies the passion for possession in one and disappoints it in all others. The object of man's brief rapacity and long indifference. By Ambrose Bierce Property Thing Material Held Cupidity

ABRUPT, adj. Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon- shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most affected by it. Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of another author's ideas that they were concatenated without abruption. By Ambrose Bierce Abrupt Adj Sudden Ceremony Cannon

Idiot - A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions and opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line. By Ambrose Bierce Idiot Controlling Member Large Powerful

A man who piously shuts himself up to meditate upon the sin of wickedness and to keep it fresh in his mind joins a brotherhood of awful examples. By Ambrose Bierce Man Piously Shuts Meditate Sin

The money-getter who pleads his love of work has a lame defense, for love of work at money-getting is a lower taste than love of money. By Ambrose Bierce Love Work Defense Money Moneygetter

The man in the water saw the eye of the man on the bridge gazing into his own through the sights of the rifle. He observed that it was a gray eye and remembered having read that gray eyes were keenest, and that all famous markmen had them. Nevertheless, By Ambrose Bierce Man Eye Rifle Water Bridge

ZANY, n. A popular character in old Italian plays, who imitated with ludicrous incompetence the _buffone_, or clown, and was therefore the ape of an ape; for the clown himself imitated the serious characters of the play. The zany was progenitor to the specialist in humor, as we to-day have the unhappiness to know him. In the zany we see an example of creation; in the humorist, of transmission. Another excellent specimen of the modern zany is the curate, who apes the rector, who apes the bishop, who apes the archbishop, who apes the devil. By Ambrose Bierce Apes Zany Ape Imitated Clown

PORTUGUESE, n.pl. A species of geese indigenous to Portugal. They are mostly without feathers and imperfectly edible, even when stuffed with garlic. By Ambrose Bierce Portuguese Npl Portugal Edible Garlic

Alien - an American sovereign in his probationary state. By Ambrose Bierce Alien American State Sovereign Probationary

General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring them into collision with the enemy. By Ambrose Bierce General Brigade Enemy Commander Delinquent

An old wine-bibber having been smashed in a railway collision, some wine was poured on his lips to revive him. By Ambrose Bierce Collision Winebibber Smashed Railway Wine

Even the laws of justice themselves cannot subsist without mixture of injustice. By Ambrose Bierce Injustice Laws Justice Subsist Mixture

Platitude: All that is mortal of a departed truth. By Ambrose Bierce Platitude Truth Mortal Departed

NOTORIETY, n. The fame of one's competitor for public honors. The kind of renown most accessible and acceptable to mediocrity. A Jacob's-ladder leading to the vaudeville stage, with angels ascending and descending. By Ambrose Bierce Notoriety Honors Mediocrity Fame Competitor

RESPIRATOR, n. An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth of an inhabitant of London, whereby to filter the visible universe in its passage to the lungs. By Ambrose Bierce Respirator London Lungs Apparatus Fitted

One of the greatest of poets, Coleridge was one of the wisest of men, and it was not for nothing that he read us this parable. Let us have a little less of "hands across the sea," and a little more of that elemental distrust that is the security of nations. War loves to come like a thief in the night; professions of eternal amity provide the night. By Ambrose Bierce Coleridge Poets Men Parable Greatest

GEOLOGY, n. The science of the earth's crust to which, doubtless, will be added that of its interior whenever a man shall come up garrulous out of a well. The geological formations of the globe already noted are catalogued thus: The Primary, or lower one, consists of rocks, bones or mired mules, gas-pipes, miners' tools, antique statues minus the nose, Spanish doubloons and ancestors. The Secondary is largely made up of red worms and moles. The Tertiary comprises railway tracks, patent pavements, grass, snakes, mouldy boots, beer bottles, tomato cans, intoxicated citizens, garbage, anarchists, snap-dogs and fools. By Ambrose Bierce Geology Primary Spanish Doubtless Secondary

LAST, n. A shoemaker's implement, named by a frowning Providence as opportunity to the maker of puns. By Ambrose Bierce Providence Implement Named Puns Shoemaker

Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the original earth clinging to the roots. By Ambrose Bierce Women Faces Figures Manners Genius

INCOMPATIBILITY, n. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination. Incompatibility may, however, consist of a meek-eyed matron living just around the corner. It has even been known to wear a moustache. By Ambrose Bierce Incompatibility Domination Consist Corner Matrimony

AMERICANISM, n. 1) The desire to purge America of all those qualities which make it a more or less tolerable place in which to live; 2) The ability to simultaneously kiss ass, follow your boss's orders, swallow a pay cut, piss in a bottle, cower in fear of job loss, and brag about your freedom. By Ambrose Bierce Americanism America Live Ass Follow

You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. By Ambrose Bierce Minute Permitted Kill Woman Wronged

GNU, n. An animal of South Africa, which in its domesticated state resembles a horse, a buffalo and a stag. In its wild condition it is something like a thunderbolt, an earthquake and a cyclone. By Ambrose Bierce Gnu Africa South Horse Stag

In the army of indigence the uniform is rags; they serve to distinguish the rank and file from the recruiting officers. By Ambrose Bierce Rags Officers Army Indigence Uniform

Repose, v.i. To cease from troubling. By Ambrose Bierce Repose Troubling Cease

Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others. By Ambrose Bierce Conservative Liberal Evils Statesman Enamored

They were obviously headstones of graves, though the graves themselves no longer existed as either mounds or depressions; the years had leveled all. Scattered here and there, more massive blocks showed where some pompous or ambitious monument had once flung its feeble defiance at oblivion. By Ambrose Bierce Depressions Graves Headstones Longer Existed

A bad workman quarrels with the man who calls him that. By Ambrose Bierce Bad Workman Quarrels Man Calls

PILLORY, n. A mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction - prototype of the modern newspaper conducted by persons of austere virtues and blameless lives. By Ambrose Bierce Pillory Distinction Prototype Lives Mechanical

MANICHEISM, n. The ancient Persian doctrine of an incessant warfare between Good and Evil. When Good gave up the fight the Persians joined the victorious Opposition. By Ambrose Bierce Manicheism Good Evil Opposition Persian

PALM, n. A species of tree ... of which the familiar "itching palm" ("Palma hominis") is most widely distributed ... This noble vegetable exudes a kind of invisible gum, which may be detected by applying to the bark a piece of gold or silver. By Ambrose Bierce Palm Palma Tree Familiar Itching

Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues. By Ambrose Bierce Belladonna Italian English Lady Poison

Funeral: a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears. By Ambrose Bierce Funeral Undertaker Tears Pageant Attest

Optimism, n. The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by those most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, and is most acceptably expounded with disproof - an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious. By Ambrose Bierce Optimism Doctrine Belief Beautiful Including

EMBALM, v.i. To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon which it feeds. By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the natural balance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made their once fertile and populous country barren and incapable of supporting more than a meagre crew. The modern metallic burial casket is a step in the same direction, and many a dead man who ought now to be ornamenting his neighbour's lawn as a tree, or enriching his table as a bunch of radishes, is doomed to a long inutility. We shall get him after awhile if we are spared, but in the meantime, the violet and rose are languishing for a nibble at his gluteus maximus. By Ambrose Bierce Embalm Dead Egyptians Feeds Cheat

Nonsense, n. The objections that are urged against this excellent dictionary. By Ambrose Bierce Nonsense Dictionary Objections Urged Excellent

PITIFUL, adj. The state of an enemy or opponent after an imaginary encounter with oneself. By Ambrose Bierce Pitiful Adj Oneself State Enemy

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead. By Ambrose Bierce Clairvoyant Person Commonly Woman Patron

Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude. By Ambrose Bierce Turkey Flesh Gratitude Large Bird

COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E. By Ambrose Bierce Commerce Kind Transaction Plunders Goods

God alone knows the future, but only an historian can alter the past. By Ambrose Bierce God Future Past Historian Alter

KING, n. A male person commonly known in America as a "crowned head," although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speak of. By Ambrose Bierce King America Head Crowned Male

According to the most trustworthy statistics the number of adult Dullards in the United States is but little short of thirty millions, including the statisticians. By Ambrose Bierce Dullards United States Millions Including

K, n. A consonant; originally precisely that of our H, but altered to its present shape to commemorate the destruction of [one of two lofty columns in] the great temple of Jarute. By Ambrose Bierce Jarute Consonant Originally Precisely Altered

MONUMENT, n. A structure intended to commemorate something which either needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated. By Ambrose Bierce Monument Commemorated Structure Intended Commemoration

Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age. By Ambrose Bierce Experience Age Revelation Light Renounce

GOOSE, n. A bird that supplies quills for writing. These, by some occult process of nature, are penetrated and suffused with various degrees of the bird's intellectual energies and emotional character, so that when inked and drawn mechanically across paper by a person called an "author," there results a very fair and accurate transcript of the fowl's thought and feeling. The difference in geese, as discovered by this ingenious method, is considerable: many are found to have only trivial and insignificant powers, but some are seen to be very great geese indeed. By Ambrose Bierce Goose Bird Geese Writing Author

DELUGE, n. A notable first experiment in baptism which washed away the sins (and sinners) of the world. By Ambrose Bierce Deluge Sins Sinners World Notable

Suddenly to change one's opinions and go over to another party. The most notable flop on record was that of Saul of Tarsus, who has been severely criticised as a turn-coat by some of our partisan journals. By Ambrose Bierce Suddenly Party Change Opinions Tarsus

As records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. By Ambrose Bierce Admissible Mankind Records Justice Easily

TECHNICALITY, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in having accused his neighbor of murder. His exact words were: "Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the head, so that one side of the head fell upon one shoulder and the other side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted by instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that being only an inference. By Ambrose Bierce Technicality Murder Court Head English

Age, with his eyes in the back of his head, thinks it wisdom to see the bogs through which he has floundered. By Ambrose Bierce Age Head Floundered Eyes Back

Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. By Ambrose Bierce Revolution Politics Misgovernment Abrupt Change

Hash, x. There is no definition for this word - nobody knows what hash is.Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable.Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work. By Ambrose Bierce Hash Adj Word Isfamous Conspicuously

You can effect a change of robbers every four years. Inestimable privilege to pull off the glutted leech and attach the lean one! And you cannot even choose among the lean leeches, but must accept those designated by the programmers and showmen who have the reptiles on tap. By Ambrose Bierce Years Effect Change Robbers Lean

CLOSE-FISTED, adj. Unduly desirous of keeping that which many meritorious persons wish to obtain. By Ambrose Bierce Closefisted Adj Unduly Obtain Desirous

This is only a record of broken and apparently unrelated memories, some of them as distinct and sequent as brilliant beads upon a thread, others remote and strange, having the character of crimson dreams with interspaces blank and black witch-fires glowing still and red in a great desolation. By Ambrose Bierce Memories Thread Strange Desolation Record

Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo. By Ambrose Bierce Hypocrisy Prejudice Halo

Patriotism is as fierce as a fever, pitiless as the grave, blind as a stone, and irrational as a headless hen. By Ambrose Bierce Patriotism Fever Pitiless Grave Blind

QUOTIENT, n. A number showing how many times a sum of money belonging to one person is contained in the pocket of another - usually about as many times as it can be got there. By Ambrose Bierce Quotient Times Number Showing Sum

ELEGY, n. A composition in verse, in which, without employing any of the methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader's mind the dampest kind of dejection. By Ambrose Bierce Elegy Verse Humor Dejection Composition

RICE-WATER, n. A mystic beverage secretly used by our most popular novelists and poets to regulate the imagination and narcotize the conscience. By Ambrose Bierce Ricewater Conscience Mystic Beverage Secretly

THEOSOPHY, n. An ancient faith having all the certitude of religion and all the mystery of science. By Ambrose Bierce Theosophy Science Ancient Faith Certitude

Self-esteem, n. An erroneous appraisal. By Ambrose Bierce Selfesteem Appraisal Erroneous

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. By Ambrose Bierce Lottery Math Tax People Bad

FLAG, n. A colored rag borne above troops and hoisted on forts and ships. It appears to serve the same purpose as certain signs that one sees and vacant lots in London By Ambrose Bierce Flag London Ships Colored Rag

Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. By Ambrose Bierce Cabbage Head Familiar Kitchengarden Vegetable

PAIN, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another. By Ambrose Bierce Pain Body Mental Caused Uncomfortable

SCARABAEUS, n. The sacred beetle of the ancient Egyptians, allied to our familiar "tumble-bug." It was supposed to symbolize immortality, the fact that God knew why giving it its peculiar sanctity. Its habit of incubating its eggs in a ball of ordure may also have commended it to the favor of the priesthood, and may some day assure it an equal reverence among ourselves. True, the American beetle is an inferior beetle, but the American priest is an inferior priest. By Ambrose Bierce Scarabaeus Beetle American Egyptians Inferior

Honorable, adj.: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur.". By Ambrose Bierce Afflicted Adj Reach Honorable Impediment

HURRICANE, n. An atmospheric demonstration once very common but now generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone. The hurricane is still in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certain old- fashioned sea-captains. By Ambrose Bierce Hurricane West Indies Cyclone Fashioned

Past, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. A moving line called the Present parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future. These two grand divisions of Eternity, of which the one is continually effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one is dark with sorrow and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy ... Yet the Past is the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They are one-the knowledge and the dream. By Ambrose Bierce Future Past Eternity Present Part

If every hypocrite in the United States were to break his leg to-day the country could be successfully invaded to-morrow by the warlike hypocrites of Canada. By Ambrose Bierce Canada United States Break Leg

REPENTANCE, n. The faithful attendant and follower of Punishment. It is usually manifest in a degree of reformation that is not inconsistent with continuity of sin. By Ambrose Bierce Repentance Punishment Sin Faithful Attendant

Salamander: Originally a reptile inhabiting fire; later, an anthropomorphous immortal, but still a pyrophile. Salamanders are now believed to be extinct, the last one of which we have an account having been seen in Carcassonne by the Abbe Belloc, who exorcised it with a bucket of holy water. By Ambrose Bierce Originally Fire Immortal Pyrophile Reptile

A Man having found a Lion in his path undertook to subdue him by the power of the human eye; and near by was a Rattlesnake engaged in fascinating a small bird. "How are you getting on, brother?" the Man called out to the other reptile, without removing his eyes from those of the Lion. By Ambrose Bierce Rattlesnake Man Lion Bird Found

Pertaining to a certain order of architecture, otherwise known as Normal American. Most of the public buildings of the United States are of the Ramshackle order, though some of our earlier architects preferred the Ironic. Recent additions to the White House in Washington are Theo-Doric, the ecclesiastic order of the Dorians. They are exceedingly fine and cost one hundred dollars a brick. By Ambrose Bierce American Normal Order Pertaining Architecture

Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding. By Ambrose Bierce Education Understanding Discloses Wise Disguises

Dance, v.i. To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably with arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter. There are many kinds of dances, but all those requiring the participation of the two sexes have two characteristics in common: they are conspicuously innocent, and warmly loved by the vicious. By Ambrose Bierce Dance Dances Music Preferably Daughter

FRYING-PAN, n. One part of the penal apparatus employed in that punitive institution, a woman's kitchen. The frying-pan was invented by Calvin, and by him used in cooking span-long infants that had died without baptism; and observing one day the horrible torment of a tramp who had incautiously pulled a fried babe from the waste-dump and devoured it, it occurred to the great divine to rob death of its terrors by introducing the frying-pan into every household in Geneva. Thence it spread to all corners of the world, and has been of invaluable assistance in the propagation of his sombre faith. By Ambrose Bierce Fryingpan Calvin Geneva Institution Kitchen

A trite popular saying, or proverb. (Figurative and colloquial.) So called because it makes its way into a wooden head. Following are examples of old saws fitted with new teeth. By Ambrose Bierce Proverb Figurative Trite Popular Colloquial

Strive not for singularity in dress; Fools have the more and men of sense the less. To look original is not worth while, But be in mind a little out of style. By Ambrose Bierce Fools Strive Dress Singularity Men

WEAKNESSES, n.pl. Certain primal powers of Tyrant Woman wherewith she holds dominion over the male of her species, binding him to the service of her will and paralyzing his rebellious energies. By Ambrose Bierce Weaknesses Npl Tyrant Woman Species

LOSS, n. Privation of that which we had, or had not. Thus, in the latter sense, it is said of a defeated candidate that he "lost his election". By Ambrose Bierce Loss Privation Sense Lost Election

PHOTOGRAPH, n. A picture painted by the sun without instruction in art. It is a little better than the work of an Apache, but not quite so good as that of a Cheyenne. By Ambrose Bierce Photograph Apache Cheyenne Art Picture

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made. By Ambrose Bierce Cogito Sum Made Ergo Close

RADIUM, n. A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ that a scientist is a fool with. By Ambrose Bierce Radium Mineral Heat Stimulates Organ

REPUBLIC, n. A nation in which, the thing governing and the thing governed being the same, there is only a permitted authority to enforce an optional obedience. By Ambrose Bierce Republic Thing Obedience Nation Governing

Curiosity, n. An objectionable quality of the female mind. The desire to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one of the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul. By Ambrose Bierce Curiosity Mind Objectionable Quality Female

DIAPHRAGM, n. A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest from disorders of the bowels. By Ambrose Bierce Diaphragm Disorders Bowels Muscular Partition

POLITICIAN, n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. By Ambrose Bierce Politician Reared Eel Fundamental Mud

Theology is a thing of unreason altogether, an edifice of assumptions and dreams, a superstructure without a substructure By Ambrose Bierce Theology Altogether Dreams Substructure Thing

Childhood: the period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth - two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age. By Ambrose Bierce Childhood Youth Age Period Human

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat. By Ambrose Bierce Cheat Steal Thoult Business Compete

An army's bravest men are its cowards. The death which they would not meet at the hands of the enemy they will meet at the hands of their officers, with never a flinching. By Ambrose Bierce Cowards Hands Army Bravest Men

In theology, the state of a luckless mortal prenatally damned. The doctrine of reprobation was taught by Calvin, whose joy in it was somewhat marred by the sad sincerity of his conviction that although some are foredoomed to perdition, others are predestined to salvation. By Ambrose Bierce Theology Damned State Luckless Mortal

OBLIVION, n. Cold storage for high hopes. A place where ambitious authors meet their works without pride and their betters without envy. A dormitory without an alarm clock. By Ambrose Bierce Oblivion Cold Hopes Envy Storage

OWE, v. To have (and to hold) a debt. The word formerly signified not indebtedness, but possession; it meant "own," and in the minds of debtors there is still a good deal of confusion between assets and liabilities. By Ambrose Bierce Owe Hold Debt Indebtedness Possession

Forgetfulness - a gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience. By Ambrose Bierce Forgetfulness God Conscience Gift Bestowed

Grief is an artist of powers as various as the instruments upon which he plays his dirges for the dead, evoking from some the sharpest, shrillest notes, from others the low, grave chords that throb recurrent like the slow beating of a distant drum. Some natures it startles; some it stupefies. To one it comes like the stroke of an arrow, stinging all the sensibilities to a keener life; to another as the blow of a bludgeon, which in crushing benumbs. By Ambrose Bierce Grief Dead Evoking Sharpest Shrillest

GNOSTICS, n. A sect of philosophers who tried to engineer a fusion between the early Christians and the Platonists. The former would not go into the caucus and the combination failed, greatly to the chagrin of the fusion managers. By Ambrose Bierce Gnostics Fusion Platonists Christians Sect

Prescription: A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient. By Ambrose Bierce Prescription Patient Physician Guess Prolong

At war with savages and idiots. To be a Frenchman abroad is to be miserable; to be an American abroad is to make others miserable. By Ambrose Bierce Idiots Miserable War Savages Abroad

The poor man's price of admittance to the favor of the rich is his self-respect. By Ambrose Bierce Selfrespect Poor Man Price Admittance

EXCEPTION, n. A thing which takes the liberty to differ from other things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc. By Ambrose Bierce Exception Class Man Woman Liberty

PIGMY, n. One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers in many parts of the world, but by modern in Central Africa only. The Pigmies are so called to distinguish them from the bulkier Caucasians - who are Hogmies. By Ambrose Bierce Pigmy Central Africa Caucasians Hogmies

Miss, n. A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate they are in the market. Miss, Misses (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound and sense. Two are corruptions of Mistress, the other of Master. In the general abolition of social titles in this our country they miraculously escaped to plague us. If we must have them let us be consistent and give one to the unmarried man. I venture to suggest Mush, abbreviated to Mh. By Ambrose Bierce Miss Misses Mrs Mister Unmarried

PLATITUDE, n. The fundamental element and special glory of popular literature. A thought that snores in words that smoke. The wisdom of a million fools in the diction of a dullard. A fossil sentiment in artificial rock. A moral without the fable. All that is mortal of a departed truth. A demi-tasse of milk-and-mortality. The Pope's-nose of a featherless peacock. A jelly-fish withering on the shore of the sea of thought. The cackle surviving the egg. A desiccated epigram. By Ambrose Bierce Platitude Thought Literature Fundamental Element

DAWN, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it. By Ambrose Bierce Dawn Time Men Reason Bed

Predicament, n. The wage of consistency. By Ambrose Bierce Predicament Consistency Wage

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. By Ambrose Bierce Speak Regret Angry Make Speech

PRIVATE, n. A military gentleman with a field-marshal's baton in his knapsack and an impediment in his hope. By Ambrose Bierce Private Hope Military Gentleman Fieldmarshal

Kindness n: A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction. By Ambrose Bierce Kindness Exaction Preface Ten Volumes

ECCENTRICITY, n. A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ it to accentuate their incapacity. By Ambrose Bierce Eccentricity Incapacity Method Distinction Cheap

SYLLOGISM, n. A logical formula consisting of a major and a minor assumption and an inconsequent. By Ambrose Bierce Syllogism Inconsequent Logical Formula Consisting

MOUSE, n. An animal which strews its path with fainting women. By Ambrose Bierce Mouse Women Animal Strews Path

Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly. By Ambrose Bierce Sweater Garment Chilly Worn Child

Molecule, n.: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion ... By Ambrose Bierce Ultimate Indivisible Matter Unit Molecule

MONAD, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter (see Molecule). The monad has body without bulk, and mind without manifestation - containing all the powers and possibilities needful to his evolution into a German philosopher . By Ambrose Bierce Monad Molecule German Ultimate Indivisible

PANTOMIME, n. A play in which the story is told without violence to the language. The least disagreeable form of dramatic action. By Ambrose Bierce Pantomime Language Action Play Story

OATH, n. In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the conscience by a penalty for perjury. By Ambrose Bierce Oath Deity Law Made Perjury

POSITIVISM- A philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Real and affirms our ignorance of the Apparent. Its longest exponent is Comte, its broadest Mill and its thickest Spencer. By Ambrose Bierce Positivism Apparent Real Philosophy Denies

Custard: A detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook. By Ambrose Bierce Custard Hen Cow Cook Detestable

RUBBISH, n. Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies, literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regions lying due south from Boreaplas. By Ambrose Bierce Rubbish Boreaplas Philosophies Literatures Worthless

HOMOEOPATHY, n. A school of medicine midway between Allopathy and Christian Science. To the last both the others are distinctly inferior, for Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and they can not. By Ambrose Bierce Homoeopathy Christian Science Allopathy Inferior

The place whereon the priest formerly raveled out the small intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination and cooked its flesh for the gods. The word is now seldom used, except with reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by a male and a female fool. By Ambrose Bierce Gods Place Whereon Priest Raveled

Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based. By Ambrose Bierce Scriptures Religion Based Sacred Books

FINANCE, n. The art or science of managing revenues and resources for the best advantage of the manager. The pronunciation of this word with the i long and the accent on the first syllable is one of America's most precious discoveries and possessions. By Ambrose Bierce Finance America Manager Art Science

PILGRIM, n. A traveler that is taken seriously. A Pilgrim Father was one who [was] not permitted to sing psalms through his nose [in Europe], followed it to Massachusetts, where he could personate God according to the dictates of his conscience. By Ambrose Bierce Pilgrim Europe Massachusetts Father God

LAOCOON, n. A famous piece of antique scripture representing a priest of that name and his two sons in the folds of two enormous serpents. The skill and diligence with which the old man and lads support the serpents and keep them up to their work have been justly regarded as one of the noblest artistic illustrations of the mastery of human intelligence over brute inertia. By Ambrose Bierce Laocoon Serpents Famous Piece Antique

A lottery is a tax on stupidity. By Ambrose Bierce Stupidity Lottery Tax

There may be thunder in Europe but it is in America the lightning will fall By Ambrose Bierce Europe America Fall Thunder Lightning

Gratitude, n. A sentiment lying midway between a benefit received and a benefit expected. By Ambrose Bierce Gratitude Benefit Expected Sentiment Lying

WOMAN, n. An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. By Ambrose Bierce Woman Man Domestication Animal Living

MOUTH, n. In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of the heart. By Ambrose Bierce Mouth Man Soul Woman Heart

PLEBEIAN, n. An ancient Roman who in the blood of his country stained nothing but his hands. Distinguished from the Patrician, who was a saturated solution. By Ambrose Bierce Plebeian Patrician Roman Hands Distinguished

REPLICA, n. A reproduction of a work of art, by the artist that made the original. It is so called to distinguish it from a "copy," which is made by another artist. When the two are mae with equal skill the replica is the more valuable, for it is suppose By Ambrose Bierce Replica Artist Made Art Original

ORTHODOX, n. An ox wearing the popular religious joke. By Ambrose Bierce Orthodox Joke Wearing Popular Religious

Adherent, n. A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects to get. By Ambrose Bierce Adherent Follower Obtained Expects

He thought he was walking along a dusty road that showed white in the gathering darkness of a summer night. Whence and whither it led, and why he traveled it, he did not know, though all seemed simple and natural, as is the way in dreams; for in the Land Beyond the Bed surprises cease from troubling and the judgment is at rest. By Ambrose Bierce Night Thought Walking Dusty Road

Human nature is pretty well balanced; for every lacking virtue there is a rough substitute that will serve at a pinchas cunning is the wisdom of the unwise, and ferocity the courage of the coward. By Ambrose Bierce Human Balanced Unwise Coward Nature

FIDDLE, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail on the entrails of a cat. By Ambrose Bierce Fiddle Cat Instrument Tickle Human

The most offensive egotist is he that fears to say "I" and "me." "It will probably rain " that is dogmatic. "I think it will rain" that is natural and modest. Montaigne is the most delightful of essayists because so great is his humility that he does not think it important that we see not Montaigne. He so forgets himself that he employs no artifice to make us forget him. By Ambrose Bierce Rain Offensive Egotist Fears Montaigne

Gout, a physician's name for the rheumatism of a rich patient By Ambrose Bierce Gout Patient Physician Rheumatism Rich

MISDEMEANOR, n. An infraction of the law having less dignity than a felony and constituting no claim to admittance into the best criminal society. By Ambrose Bierce Misdemeanor Society Infraction Law Dignity

Deep sadness is an artist of powers that affects people in different ways. To one it comes like the stroke of an arrow, shocking all the emotions to a sharper life. To another, it comes as the blow of a crushing strike. By Ambrose Bierce Deep Sadness Artist Powers Affects

SARCOPHAGUS, n. Among the Greeks a coffin which being made of a certain kind of carnivorous stone, had the peculiar property of devouring the body placed in it. By Ambrose Bierce Sarcophagus Greeks Stone Coffin Made

RAILROAD, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get away from where we are to where we are no better off. For this purpose the railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits him to make the transit with great expedition. By Ambrose Bierce Railroad Chief Mechanical Devices Enabling

INK, n. A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. By Ambrose Bierce Ink Gumarabic Iron Water Chiefly

ENTERTAINMENT, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of death by injection. By Ambrose Bierce Entertainment Injection Kind Amusement Inroads

SACRED, adj. Dedicated to some religious purpose; having a divine character; inspiring solemn thoughts or emotions; as ... the Cow in India; the Crocodile, the Cat and the Onion of ancient Egypt. By Ambrose Bierce Sacred Adj India Crocodile Egypt

EXECUTIVE, n. An officer of the Government, whose duty it is to enforce the wishes of the legislative power until such time as the judicial department shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid and of no effect. By Ambrose Bierce Executive Government Effect Officer Duty

You don't have to be stupid to be a Christian, ... but it probably helps. By Ambrose Bierce Christian Stupid

A pessimist asked God for relief. Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness, said God. No, replied the petitioner, I wish you to create something that would justify them. The world is all created,said God, but you have overlooked something By Ambrose Bierce God Relief Pessimist Asked Cheerfulness

Crowned with leaves of the laurel. In England the Poet Laureate is an officer of the sovereign's court, acting as dancing skeleton at every royal feast and singing-mute at every royal funeral. By Ambrose Bierce Crowned Laurel Leaves Royal England

FORCE, n. "Force is but might," the teacher said p/ "That definition's just."/ The boy said naught but throught instead,/ Remembering his pounded head:/ "Force is not might but must!" By Ambrose Bierce Force Remembering Just Head Teacher

ORATORY, n. A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat the understanding. A tyranny tempered by stenography. By Ambrose Bierce Oratory Understanding Stenography Conspiracy Speech

PATRIOT, n. One to whom the interests of a part seem superior to those of the whole. The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors. By Ambrose Bierce Patriot Interests Part Superior Conquerors

HOSPITALITY, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and lodging. By Ambrose Bierce Hospitality Lodging Virtue Induces Feed

MONOSYLLABIC, adj. Composed of words of one syllable ... Commonly Saxon - that is to say, words of a barbarous people destitute of ideas and incapable of any but the most elementary sentiments and emotions. By Ambrose Bierce Monosyllabic Adj Words Saxon Composed

RIGHTEOUSNESS, n. A sturdy virtue that was once found among the Pantidoodles inhabiting the lower part of the peninsula of Oque. Some feeble attempts were made by returned missionaries to introduce it into several European countries . By Ambrose Bierce Righteousness Oque Pantidoodles European Countries

Glutton- A person who escapes the evils of moderation by committing dyspepsia. By Ambrose Bierce Glutton Dyspepsia Person Escapes Evils

Age is provident because the less future we have the more we fear it. By Ambrose Bierce Age Provident Future Fear

Ah, children of the sunlight and the gaslight, how little you know of the world in which you live! By Ambrose Bierce Children Gaslight Live Sunlight World

Compromise, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due. By Ambrose Bierce Compromise Due Adjustment Conflicting Interests

Revelation: a famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing. By Ambrose Bierce Revelation John Divine Knew Famous

DIGESTION, n. The conversion of victuals into virtues. When the process is imperfect, vices are evolved instead - a circumstance from which that wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies are the greater sufferers from dyspepsia. By Ambrose Bierce Digestion Blenn Jeremiah Virtues Conversion

Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. Miss, Misses (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound and sense. By Ambrose Bierce Miss Market Misses Mrs Title

Miss, n. A title which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. By Ambrose Bierce Miss Market Title Brand Unmarried

FIB, n. A lie that has not cut its teeth. An habitual liar's nearest approach to truth: the perigee of his eccentric orbit. By Ambrose Bierce Fib Teeth Truth Orbit Lie

A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to the patriarch Abraham, and preserved at Mecca. The patriarch had perhaps asked the archangel for bread. By Ambrose Bierce Abraham Mecca Gabriel Archangel Patriarch

EVANGELIST, n. A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of our neighbors. By Ambrose Bierce Evangelist Tidings Sense Neighbors Bearer

PRESENTABLE, adj. Hideously appareled after the manner of the time and place. By Ambrose Bierce Presentable Adj Hideously Place Appareled

REPORTER, n. A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words. By Ambrose Bierce Reporter Words Writer Guesses Truth

PRESIDENT, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom - and of whom only - it is positively known that immense numbers of their countrymen did not want any of them for President. By Ambrose Bierce President Leading Figure Small Group

Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another. By Ambrose Bierce Boundary Imaginary Geography Nations Separating

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog. By Ambrose Bierce Dog Affectionate Creature World Wet

MISERICORDE, n. A dagger which in mediaeval warfare was used by the foot soldier to remind an unhorsed knight that he was mortal. By Ambrose Bierce Misericorde Mortal Dagger Mediaeval Warfare

Consult, v.t. To seek another's approval of a course already decided on. Contempt, n. The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed. By Ambrose Bierce Consult Contempt Seek Approval Decided

ORPHAN, n. A living person whom death has deprived of the power of filial ingratitude ... By Ambrose Bierce Orphan Ingratitude Living Person Death

PARDON, v. To remit a penalty and restore to the life of crime. To add to the lure of crime the temptation of ingratitude. By Ambrose Bierce Pardon Crime Remit Penalty Restore

OYSTER, n. A slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men the hardihood to eat without removing its entrails! The shells are sometimes given to the poor. By Ambrose Bierce Oyster Slimy Gobby Entrails Poor

UBIQUITY, n. The gift or power of being in all places at one time, but not in all places at all times, which is omnipresence, an attribute of God and the luminiferous ether only. By Ambrose Bierce Ubiquity Places God Omnipresence Time

Incompatibility. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination. By Ambrose Bierce Incompatibility Domination Matrimony Similarity Tastes

BRANDY, n. A cordial composed on one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the-grave and four parts clarified Satan. By Ambrose Bierce Brandy Part Satan Parts Remorse

ART, n. This word has no definition. Its origin is related by the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape as "One day a wag - what would the wretch be at? Shifted a letter of the cipher RAT, And said it was a god's name! ... " By Ambrose Bierce Art Rat Father Gassalasca Jape

REVIEW, v.t. To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it./ Although in truth there's neither bone nor skin to it)/ At work upon a book, and so read out of it/ The qualities that you have first read into it. By Ambrose Bierce Review Read Wisdom Holding Book

LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed By Ambrose Bierce Life Decay Loss Missed Spiritual

QUORUM, n. A sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to have their own way and their own way of having it. In the U.S. Senate a quorum consists of the chairman of the Committee on Finance and a messenger from the White House. By Ambrose Bierce Quorum Senate House Committee Finance

DECALOGUE, n. A series of commandments, ten in number - just enough to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to embarrass the choice. By Ambrose Bierce Decalogue Commandments Ten Number Observance

In forgiving an injury be somewhat ceremonious, lest your magnanimity be construed as indifference. By Ambrose Bierce Ceremonious Indifference Forgiving Injury Magnanimity

CRAYFISH, n. A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but less indigestible. By Ambrose Bierce Crayfish Lobster Indigestible Small Crustacean

TAIL, n. The part of an animal's spine that has transcended its natural limitations to set up an independent existence in a world of its own. By Ambrose Bierce Tail Part Animal Spine Transcended

Evolutionary biology is genuinely scientific, but more than that it opens the door to a world more marvellous than any Christian fundamentalist has ever read into the pages of the Bible. By Ambrose Bierce Bible Christian Evolutionary Scientific Biology

IDLENESS, n. A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices. By Ambrose Bierce Idleness Vices Model Farm Devil

DISABUSE, v.t. To present your neighbor with another and better error than the one which he has deemed advantageous to embrace. By Ambrose Bierce Disabuse Embrace Present Neighbor Error

Backbite. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you. By Ambrose Bierce Backbite Find Speak Man

NECTAR, n. A drink served at banquets of the Olympian deities. The secret of its preparation is lost, but the modern Kentuckians believe that they come pretty near to a knowledge of its chief ingredient. By Ambrose Bierce Nectar Olympian Deities Kentuckians Lost

Consul - in American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country. By Ambrose Bierce Consul American Administration Politics Country

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office. By Ambrose Bierce Civilization Government Intelligence Office Republican

Indigestion: A disease which the patient and his friends frequently mistake for deep religious conviction and concern for the salvation of mankind. As the simple Red Man of the Western Wild put it, with, it must be confessed, a certain force: 'Plenty well, no pray; big belly ache, heap God.' By Ambrose Bierce Indigestion Mankind Disease Patient Friends

Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are not as they ought to be. By Ambrose Bierce Cynic Blackguard Faulty Vision Things

Cynicism is that blackguard defect of vision which compels us to see the world as it is, instead of as it should be. By Ambrose Bierce Cynicism Blackguard Defect Vision Compels

NIRVANA- In the Buddhist religion, a state of pleasurable annihilation awarded to the wise, particularly to those wise enough to understand it. By Ambrose Bierce Nirvana Buddhist Wise Religion State

PITY, n. A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast. By Ambrose Bierce Pity Exemption Inspired Contrast Failing

Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue. By Ambrose Bierce Patience Dispair Disguised Virtue Minor

LIVER, n. A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be bilious with. The liver is heaven's best gift to the goose; without it that bird would be unable to supply us with the Strasbourg "pate". By Ambrose Bierce Liver Strasbourg Pate Goose Large

EPIGRAM, n. A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequently characterize by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom. By Ambrose Bierce Epigram Short Sharp Verse Frequently

PRESIDE, v. To guide the action of a deliberative body to a desirable result. In Journalese, to perform upon a musical instrument; as, "He presided at the piccolo." By Ambrose Bierce Preside Journalese Result Instrument Piccolo

MAGNETISM, n. Something acting upon a magnet. The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge. By Ambrose Bierce Magnetism Magnet Acting Scientists Light

In neither taste nor precision is any man's practice a court of last appeal, for writers all, both great and small, are habitual sinners against the light; and their accuser is cheerfully aware that his own work will supply ... many 'awful examples' ... By Ambrose Bierce Appeal Small Light Supply Taste

Wine, madam, is God's next best gift to man. By Ambrose Bierce Wine Madam God Man Gift

DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude. By Ambrose Bierce Disobedience Servitude Silver Lining Cloud

AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island. By Ambrose Bierce Australia Sea South Island Country

FOLLY, n. That "gift and faculty divine" whose creative and controlling energy inspires Man's mind, guides his actions and adorns his life. By Ambrose Bierce Folly Man Gift Divine Mind

Book - Learning : The dunce's derisive term for all knowledge that transcends his own impertinent ignorance. By Ambrose Bierce Learning Book Ignorance Dunce Derisive

PHRENOLOGY, n. The science of picking the pocket through the scalp. It consists in locating and exploiting the organ that one is a dupe with. By Ambrose Bierce Phrenology Scalp Science Picking Pocket

OVATION, n. n ancient Rome, a definite, formal pageant in honor of one who had been disserviceable to the enemies of the nation. A lesser "triumph." By Ambrose Bierce Ovation Rome Definite Formal Nation

Finance is the art or science of managing revenues and resources for the best advantage of the manager By Ambrose Bierce Finance Manager Art Science Managing

There would be far fewer accidents if we could only teach telephone poles to be more careful. By Ambrose Bierce Careful Fewer Accidents Teach Telephone

International arbitration may be defined as the substitution of many burning questions for a smoldering one By Ambrose Bierce International Arbitration Defined Substitution Burning

Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk. By Ambrose Bierce Bacchus Drunk Convenient Deity Invented

Hail, high Excess especially in wine,To thee in worship do I bend the kneeWho preach abstemiousness unto meMy skull thy pulpit, as my paunch thy shrine.Precept on precept, aye, and line on line,Could ne'er persuade so sweetly to agreeWith reason as thy touch, exact and free,Upon my forehead and along my spine.At thy command eschewing pleasure's cup,With the hot grape I warm no more my wit;When on thy stool of penitence I sitI'm quite converted, for I can't get up.Ungrateful he who afterward would falterTo make new sacrifices at thine altar! By Ambrose Bierce Thy Hail Aye Excess High

SEINE, n. A kind of net for effecting an involuntary change of environment. For fish it is made strong and coarse, but women are more easily taken with a singularly delicate fabric weighted with small, cut stones. By Ambrose Bierce Seine Environment Coarse Small Cut

But a voting-machine that human ingenuity can not pervert, human ingenuity can not invent. That By Ambrose Bierce Ingenuity Human Pervert Invent Votingmachine

Empty wine bottles have a bad opinion of women. By Ambrose Bierce Empty Women Wine Bottles Bad

In the algebra of psychology, X stands for a woman's heart. By Ambrose Bierce Psychology Heart Algebra Stands Woman

A bad marriage is like an electrical thrilling machine: it makes you dance, but you can't let go. By Ambrose Bierce Machine Dance Bad Marriage Electrical

UNDERSTANDING, n. A cerebral secretion that enables one having it to know a house from a horse by the roof on the house. Its nature and laws have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, and Kant, who lived in a horse. By Ambrose Bierce Understanding House Horse Locke Kant

Infidel, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does. By Ambrose Bierce Infidel York Constantinople Christian Religion

Doubt, indulged and cherished, is in danger of becoming denial; but if honest, and bent on thorough investigation, it may soon lead to full establishment of the truth. By Ambrose Bierce Doubt Indulged Cherished Denial Honest

Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope. By Ambrose Bierce Present Hope Part Eternity Dividing

Rome has seven sacraments, but the Protestant churches, being less prosperous, feel that they can afford only two, and these of inferior sanctity. By Ambrose Bierce Protestant Rome Sacraments Churches Prosperous

IMBECILITY, n. A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affecting censorious critics of this dictionary. By Ambrose Bierce Imbecility Inspiration Dictionary Kind Divine

MALTHUSIAN, adj. Pertaining to Malthus and his doctrines, who believed in artificially limiting population, but found that it could not be done by talking. Herod of Judea, all the famous soldiers have been practical exponents of the Malthusian idea. By Ambrose Bierce Adj Malthusian Judea Malthus Pertaining

Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having. By Ambrose Bierce Barometer Ingenious Instrument Kind Weather

Egotism, n: Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen. By Ambrose Bierce Egotism York Times Pen Crossword

INTERPRETER, n. One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. By Ambrose Bierce Interpreter Enables Persons Languages Understand

RIBALDRY, n. Censorious language by another concerning oneself. By Ambrose Bierce Ribaldry Censorious Oneself Language

Distress: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. By Ambrose Bierce Distress Friend Disease Incurred Exposure

Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. By Ambrose Bierce Christian Testament Neighbor Divinely Inspired

INCOMPOSSIBLE, adj. Unable to exist if something else exists. Two things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough for one of them, but not enough for both - as Walt Whitman's poetry and God's mercy to man. By Ambrose Bierce Adj Incompossible Walt Whitman God

REFERENDUM, n. A law for submission of proposed legislation to a popular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion. By Ambrose Bierce Referendum Opinion Law Submission Proposed

Phonograph - An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises. By Ambrose Bierce Phonograph Noises Irritating Toy Restores

Loquacity, n. A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb his tongue when you wish to talk. By Ambrose Bierce Loquacity Talk Disorder Renders Sufferer

EXPOSTULATION, n. One of the many methods by which fools prefer to lose their friends. By Ambrose Bierce Expostulation Friends Methods Fools Prefer

Habit: A shackle for the free. By Ambrose Bierce Habit Free Shackle

Hippogriff, n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one-quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises. By Ambrose Bierce Half Eagle Hippogriff Griffin Animal

RIDICULE, n. Words designed to show that the person of whom they are uttered is devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing him who utters them. By Ambrose Bierce Ridicule Words Designed Show Person

ADAGE, n. Boned wisdom for weak teeth. By Ambrose Bierce Adage Boned Teeth Wisdom Weak

Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two. By Ambrose Bierce Marriage Master Mistress Slaves Making

APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor and grave worm's provider By Ambrose Bierce Apothecary Accomplice Undertaker Provider Physician

Perseverance - a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success. By Ambrose Bierce Perseverance Success Lowly Virtue Mediocrity

The creator and arbiter of beauty is the heart; to the male rattlesnake the female rattlesnake is the loveliest thing in nature. By Ambrose Bierce Rattlesnake Heart Nature Creator Arbiter

IGNORAMUS, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know nothing about. By Ambrose Bierce Ignoramus Kinds Person Unacquainted Knowledge

MISCREANT, n. A person of the highest degree of unworth. Etymologically, the word means unbeliever, and its present signification may be regarded as theology's noblest contribution to the development of our language. By Ambrose Bierce Miscreant Etymologically Unworth Unbeliever Language

Mammon, n. The god of the world's leading religion. His chief temple is in the city of New York By Ambrose Bierce Mammon York Religion God World

PLATONIC, adj. Pertaining to the philosophy of Socrates. Platonic Love is a fool's name for the affection between a disability and a frost. By Ambrose Bierce Adj Platonic Socrates Love Pertaining

I keep a conscience uncorrupted by religion, a judgment undimmed by politics and patriotism, a heart untainted by friendships and sentiments unsoured by animosities. By Ambrose Bierce Religion Patriotism Animosities Conscience Uncorrupted

Grammar, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet of the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to distinction. By Ambrose Bierce Grammar Man Distinction System Pitfalls

We must stop chasing dollars, stop lying, stop cheating, stop ignoring art, literature, and all the refining agencies and instrumentalities of civilization. By Ambrose Bierce Stop Literature Dollars Lying Cheating

Occident: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call war and commerce. These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient. By Ambrose Bierce Orient Occident West East Part

Patriotism, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name. In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit it is the first. By Ambrose Bierce Patriotism Johnson Combustible Rubbish Ready

Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice. By Ambrose Bierce Positive Adj Mistaken Voice Top

To be positive is to be mistaken at the top of one's voice. By Ambrose Bierce Voice Positive Mistaken Top

R.I.P. A careless abbreviation of "requiescat in pace", attesting to indolent goodwill to the dead. According to the learned Dr. Drigge, however, the letters originally meant nothing more than "reductus in pulvis". By Ambrose Bierce Drigge Requiescat Pace Attesting Dead

Trial. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors. By Ambrose Bierce Trial Judges Advocates Jurors Formal

Cat: a soft indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle. By Ambrose Bierce Cat Circle Soft Indestructible Automaton

NOISE, n. A stench in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief product and authenticating sign of civilization. By Ambrose Bierce Noise Ear Undomesticated Music Stench

MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its chief activity consists in the endeavour to ascertain its own nature, the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing but itself to know itself with. By Ambrose Bierce Mind Brain Mysterious Form Matter

An election is nothing more than the advanced auction of stolen goods. By Ambrose Bierce Goods Election Advanced Auction Stolen

PYRRHONISM- An ancient philosophy, named for its inventor. It consisted of an absolute disbelief in everything but Pyrrhonism. Its modern professors have added that. By Ambrose Bierce Pyrrhonism Philosophy Named Inventor Ancient

Dictionary, n. A malevolent literacy device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. By Ambrose Bierce Dictionary Inelastic Malevolent Literacy Device

UXORIOUSNESS, n. A perverted affection that has strayed to one's own wife. By Ambrose Bierce Uxoriousness Wife Perverted Affection Strayed

Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy. By Ambrose Bierce